There are few more meaningful educations than developing friendships and relationships with people who were raised in a different culture than our own.
It can be a delicate relationship as well, however, as we might find ourselves behaving in a way that is disrespectful, if not downright offensive to their culture.
Generally, these missteps are forgiven, as people outside of this culture genuinely didn't know they were offending.
When people continue this behavior knowing they are being disrespectful to another cultural belief, it becomes a different matter.
At a recent dinner together, the boyfriend of Redditor ilovemybum behaved in a way that was disrespectful to her culture.
After calling him out for this, the OP's boyfriend did not show contrition, but rather defended his actions.
Leading to a tense exchange of words.
Having some doubt over how she handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for asking my bf not to stick chopsticks upright in his rice?"
The OP explained how things came to a head between her and her boyfriend over a bowl of rice:
"I tried to post this in the relationship advice community but got an error message that it should be here."
"I'm Japanese (40 F[emale]) and in my culture, sticking chopsticks upright into a bowl of rice is considered disrespectful because it's traditionally done at funerals or as an offering to the deceased."
"Today at home, my boyfriend (36 M[ale]) who is non-Japanese, stuck his chopsticks vertically into his rice."
"I politely told him that it's considered disrespectful in my culture and asked if he could lay them across the bowl instead."
'He immediately said it was silly and refused, saying they'd fall off."
"I told him they wouldn't, but then he said he wasn't eating Japanese food so it didn't matter."
"I explained that it isn't about the food, it's about how the chopsticks are placed."
"He responded that we're not in Japan and that he wasn't changing what he was doing because he thought it was silly."
"I calmly said I was only asking for a small favor out of respect for my culture."
"He then sharply replied, 'Fine, I'll just use forks from now on!'"
"So I took the chopsticks away and handed him a fork."
"What upset me was how he immediately dismissed my request as 'silly' instead of making such a small accommodation."
"I got quite angry and said, 'You're just like all the other white people who love anime and collect figures but don't actually care about Japanese culture'."
"He was shocked by that and later told me I was petty, cynical, and intentionally trying to hurt his feelings."
"I gave an example of how whenever I have dinner with him and his family, they say grace before eating."
"I'm not religious and I didn't grow up doing that, but I do it anyway because I know it's meaningful to them."
"He responded that religion and culture aren't the same thing."
"He also told me that during couples counseling, our counselor said we shouldn't have expectations of each other."
"I told him that's not why I was upset."
"I'm not angry because he didn't meet an expectation I had."
"I'm upset at how he immediately dismissed my request as 'silly' and refused to make such a small gesture out of respect for my culture."
"So Redditors, AITAH for asking him to not put chopsticks upright on rice since we are not living in Japan?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP did nothing wrong by telling her boyfriend not to stick his chopsticks upright in his rice.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP should be very concerned that not only did her boyfriend not apologize, but he even attempted to justify his behavior, with others urging the OP to consider switching couples' counselors:
"NTA."
"Your couples counselor saying you shouldn’t have expectations of each other seems to be translated by your boyfriend to mean that he can do whatever he likes and if you’re upset by it that’s a you problem."
"People certainly should have reasonable expectations of their partners, relatives, and friends."
"If you’re in counseling, maybe take it as a sign that this isn’t working out."- IllustratorSlow1614
"He can't do the smallest thing possible to make you more comfortable."
"Doesn't matter if it's cultural or because it gives you anxiety or whatever."
"Small request, big gesture, bigger fight."
"That's the gist of it."- lydocia
"NTA."
'It was a small request and he wasn't willing in the least to respect you or your culture."
"It's a bad sign in a partner."- stallion8426
"I'm already tired of this relationship for both of you, why do people try to force such obvious incompatibilities?"-Emergency_Bench_7515
"Why are you with someone who is disrespecting you and your culture?"
"I’m not Japanese and I’m not dating a Japanese either, but since I found out about the chopsticks and what it means when you stick them in rice, I never do that.'
"How dares he dismiss it just like that??"- primrose88
"NTA."
"Laying them across the bowl is such a non-issue."
"He went out of his way to create an argument and be hurt about nothing."- PhoenixMapper
"NTA, but you picked a bad partner."
"Get a better one who respects you."- Claque-2
"NTA."
"It honestly doesn't sound like he thinks you're worth respecting."
"Plenty of cultures and religions have traditions that look 'silly' without context."- Individual-Foxlike
"I read the title, and I was like 'he's not Japanese, it's ok not to know,' but he did know, and then he doubled down, and then he was mean about it, and THEN I read you're already in counseling."
"OP this relationship is not The One, dump him and find someone better."
"He doesn't like you, never mind love you."- DungeonCrawler-Donut
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment while also clarifying some things about her relationship:
"Wow I did not expect this post to get so much attention!"
"Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my post and leave a comment."
"A lot of the points you raised were valid, and reading your perspectives has helped me see the situation from a different angle."
"Here are some of the most common questions I've received:"
"We've been dating for 3 years and 9 months.
"He is Canadian and we live together."
"This wasn't the first time I'd brought up chopstick etiquette."
"The first time, I was just talking about some general chopstick taboos, and he wasn't actually using chopsticks."
"The second time was yesterday, when I brought it up again after he did it."
"He said he didn't remember me mentioning it the first time."
"Regarding the counsellor's comment: I was trying to keep my original post as short as possible so I apologize for lacking context but my bf clarified what he meant."
"The counsellor said that we shouldn't expect each other to react or respond in a specific way."
"When we expect a certain response from our partner and they react differently, it can create issues in the relationship."
"A lot of people said my comment to my bf was racist."
"That was not my intention, but I understand why it came across that way."
"I take responsibility for making such a generalized and hurtful comment, and I've apologized to my bf for it."
"To clarify what I meant, what confused me was that he says he LOVES Japan, the anime and the food, but doesn't seem interested in learning about its culture and customs."
'It just felt strange to me that someone who claims to love Japan wouldn't also want to understand or respect the cultural practices that are an important part of it."
' My bf has also apologized to me for how he handled the situation."
"We're both at work right now, so we'll be talking in person later."
"I'll continue reading your comments, and again, thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts."
"This has been a learning experience for me as well."
"I realize there are things I need to work on, especially with how I communicate, and I appreciate those of you who pointed that out."
"My priority now is to have a conversation with my bf and try to resolve things together."
It is surprising that ANYONE wouldn't jump to an apology the minute they realized they offended someone.
Some would even find this grounds for ending a relationship.
Thankfully, it seems the OP and her boyfriend have managed to find common ground.
Whether or not the OP's boyfriend lives up to his promise and becomes a bit more cognizant of being respectful remains to be seen...
