There has always been a cultural or societal push to keep family in your life, no matter what.
From trite sayings like "blood is thicker than water"—to which I say, "Lots of bodily fluids are thicker than water and equally unpleasant"—to advice like, "But that's your mother/father/sibling, etc...," escaping a toxic familial relationship is generally frowned upon as some sort of aberration to be ridiculed.
To which I say, "You like them so much, you deal with them."
A woman with a rocky relationship with her parents throughout her childhood turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after giving them another chance led to more hurt than healing.
BadProfessional3445 asked:
"AITA for leaving dinner with my parents after they called my girlfriend disgusting?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So, I (32, female) have been dating my girlfriend I'll call Ruby (48, female) for around 10 months."
"Yes, I'm well aware of our age gap. I'm a fully grown woman. I can make my own choices."
"Ruby treats me well, and she's been the first after a long string of sh*tty exes to do so."
"For some context, me and my parents (67, female and 65, male) have never been close, as they honestly didn't really give a sh*t about me when I was a kid. I was always being handed off to nannies and ignored when I would try to play with them."
"They would always leave me behind with said nannies when they went on business trips and vacations, and then when I got older, they would just leave me all alone. It was a sh*tty way to grow up, but I've moved on from it."
"I can't let my childhood define my entire life. Once I moved out, we rarely talked besides holidays and birthdays."
"Anyways, in the past couple years, my parents have started reaching out more and trying to connect. I was a little weary at first, as I thought maybe they wanted something from me, but after feeling them out for a bit, I think they just feel bad for how they ignored me when I was young."
"I slowly started letting them into my life, and a few months ago, told them about Ruby. They immediately jumped into telling me how I'm too young to be dating someone so old and so on and so forth."
"I shut that down immediately. I told them they don't get to say stuff like that to me, ever. They can support me after all the stuff they pulled, or go away. That seemed to shut them up."
"Fast forward to last night, me, Ruby, and my parents all had dinner together. It was their first time meeting her. It was going smoothly up until Ruby pecked me on the lips before going to the bathroom."
"The second she was out of earshot, my mom just blurted out something like (I can't exactly remember), 'Ruby absolutely disgusts us. She's disgusting'."
"I didn't say anything, but I was just so stunned as they both started trying to explain that they can't accept this relationship or some bullsh*t. I barely remember, all I could hear was static."
"I flagged down our waitress, told my parents that we're leaving, and paid the bill as we all sat in awkward silence—I guess they didn't want to embarrass themselves in front of the waitress? I don't even know."
"By then Ruby was back, and she was totally confused."
"I explained everything in the cab home, and I honestly started tearing up a bit. I was finally starting to think I actually had parents, but then they go and say sh*t like that. Ruby was pretty shocked and comforted me."
"Now, my parents have been calling and texting me, scolding me for leaving like that, and saying that they just want me to date someone right for me. They even looped a couple of aunts and uncles in (who never even really gave a damn about me ever) and have them telling me to answer my parents and apologize."
"Just need to know, was I wrong?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be an a**hole for leaving dinner with my parents. It's generally pretty rude to just up and leave a dinner like that."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. While the age gap is significant, and you should keep your eyes open for any red flags (particularly when you have a history of dating the wrong people), you are a grown person who can make her own decisions."
"It's one thing to be concerned about you, but your parents crossed a major line by insulting your girlfriend when they were already on shaky ground. They said something that can never be unsaid."
"Are you sure this isn't more about you being in a lesbian relationship than the age gap? If they were truly concerned about her age, that was a strange way to address it." ~ SoMuchMoreEagle
"Why not both? Because my money is on the parents wanting to reconnect because It's Time For Them To Be Grandparents."
"A sapphic relationship isn't going to produce children by any traditional means (yes, yes, IVF and adoption, but I'm busy assuming the worst of the parents here), and a partner who's pushing 50 isn't likely to wanna be a new parent in their eyes."
"It might be just regular homophobia, sure, especially with that whole 'right for you' jab later on. But they're 67 and 65 and have been self‐absorbed their whole lives, and I just bet they're starting contact now 'when it's quiet' so they can help get themselves some grandkids. Also, NTA." ~ Hedgehogahog
"That's a very good point, but part of me wonders just what the f*ck they think they're going to do with grandkids when they pawned off their actual kid to nannies all the time, seemingly not even willing to parent for the fun stuff."
"Do they view grandkids as a sort of do-over for them? Or is it just a status thing for their friends and acquaintances?" ~ TheMagnificentPrim
"Probably yes to both, honestly. It's something they can gloat about to their friends and, in their eyes, would be a way of atonement for neglecting their daughter." ~ scalmera
"I have a theory about this situation. Your parents didn't want back in your life because they felt bad. They are aging. They are probably thinking they will need a caregiver in their old age, so they hunted you down."
"But they found out you are dating someone, and that person will be your priority. There's nothing disgusting about Ruby or your relationship. You met as adults. That's the criteria for age gap relationships—no one got groomed."
"You are simply two adults consenting to an adult relationship. I may be wrong with my theory, but something tells me there's way more to this reconciliation attempt than they wanted you to know. NTA." ~ IAmTAAlways
"It's probably more about appearances, control, and regrets. They probably got asked a lot why their daughter doesn't speak to them or visit."
"And then they reached out and discovered she wasn't desperate for their affection and that she had a relationship and was a full-fledged adult."
"Now they're lashing out and trying to act like concerned parents that she should listen to. Unfortunately they're 30+ years too late for that role and they can't handle that they can't control her." ~ Silaquix
"NTA. Your parents spent years emotionally ghostin' you, then wanna waltz back in and trash the first person who actually treats you right? Nah. That's peak audacity. You didn't overreact, you protected your peace and your partner."
"Their 'disgust' says way more about their sh*tty priorities than your relationship. They had a chance to rebuild trust and blew it by pullin' the same toxic crap. Now they're weaponizin' family to guilt you? Classic manipulation playbook."
"Ruby sounds like a keeper. Your parents? Not so much. Keep those boundaries steel-reinforced."
"You owe them nothing—not an apology, not your time, not a single tear. Focus on the family you're choosing, not the one that failed you." ~ FreesiaHeart28
"Yes! There's a reason emotionally manipulative people want those who love you well out of your life. If you are isolated, you are easier to control."
"I'm getting vibes of homophobia/some other unknown 'trigger' for her parents to act this way, but no matter what it is, calling Ruby 'disgusting' after giving OP a simple peck is not okay."
"And with OP's other history, 'affection' seems the most likely candidate. It makes sense that parents who've withheld love and support from OP her entire life up to this point would find simple affection so threatening." ~ BigRedTeapot
The OP didn't provide an update but did add:
"I just wanted to say a big thank you to every single person who left a comment."
Hopefully the OP is able to find peace in however their situation ends up—either with or without their parents in their life.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp