It's 2025. Can we just agree that a woman can be a woman without wanting to have children?
That seems to be an understood concept by many, but there always seem to be family members who urge their female family members to have children or to care for children, simply because they are a woman, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Either_Club4020 was successful and decidedly child-free. She was also really ready for a vacation and was excited to spend time with her family.
But when her sister-in-law (SIL) kept pressuring her to help with her six kids, since they were two women of a similar age, the Original Poster (OP) was frustrated by the insinuation.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to help my sister-in-law (SIL) with her kids while on vacation?"
The OP wasn't interested in having or interacting with children.
"For the record, I know my brother is an a**hole. Now I need to know if my sister-in-law and I are."
"I (23 Female) am a child-free ER nurse. I don't like kids, even if they're related to me. My boyfriend feels the same way."
"I've always had the stance to friends and family that I will never babysit ever. It's never been an issue until now."
The OP's stance was accepted until a recent family vacation.
"My parents rented a cabin this past weekend. The family hasn't gotten together in a long time, and since it was our mom's birthday wish we took a vacation."
"In attendance were our parents, my three older brothers, my brother David's wife (25 Female), and their six combined kids. She had four by the time she was 22, all of whom are children from her first marriage to her late husband, and the other two are hers and David's, including a four-week-old baby."
"She and David have the agreement that he will pay all the bills and she will do all of the childcare. He does absolutely nothing for his kids, except playing ball with her oldest in the yard sometimes."
"I think she's dumb for agreeing to this one-sided arrangement, but she's been a SAHM (Stay-at-Home Mom) her entire adult life and has no earning potential, so I guess that's why she agreed to it."
"On the trip, for some reason, my SIL had it in her head that because I'm a woman close in age, that I would help her with her kids the whole time so she could take a break. She kept trying to hand me her baby or would ask me to do stuff for her kids."
The OP's SIL was furious with her for not taking care of her kids for her.
"Every time I would say no and would tell her to ask her husband."
"I only went on this trip to spend time with my family who I rarely see. My parents live three states away and I rarely get to see them."
"By the end of the trip, my SIL would alternate between constantly crying to making rude, snippy comments at me."
"I feel like it's completely undeserved. I didn't marry her or get her pregnant. And she isn't even related to me. I have no clue why she was mad at me and not my brother."
"He was kind of clear about him being an a**hole before she even married him. He told her that he wouldn't change a single diaper, but she decided he would be the man to give her babies number five and six."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was there to enjoy her vacation, not provide childcare.
"NTA. Not your kids, not your problem."
"We have three young kids, and my extended family is usually more than willing to help watch them when we're together. That doesn't mean that I'm expecting them to, however!"
"Our kids want to go in the pool? We're there watching. Our kids want food/drink? Come to us, not your aunt/uncle. We're the parent, not them." - here-for-the___
"NTA. Those aren't your kids, and your brother knows your stance on this. It sounds like he needs to have a serious talk with his wife about their choices and responsibilities. You're not obligated to take on that burden!"
"Your brother may need to grow up a bit too. No woman can take care of six (SIX!) children by herself, especially if one of them is a baby."
"They should have talked about this before they decided to go up to the cabin. Regardless, those are his kids too. Step up!" - HarryLiny
"NTA. Not your kids. They choose to have them and your brother knows where you stand. Sounds like your brother needs to have a conversation with his wife."
"You're definitely NTA. It's not your responsibility to care for kids that aren't yours, especially when your brother already knows your stance on the matter. If anyone needs to work this out, it's your brother and his wife. They should have that conversation between themselves, not push their expectations onto you." - PacoDahTaco69
"It's not fair for them to expect you to step in just because you're family. Your brother and SIL need to figure out their parenting dynamic instead of relying on you. You're entitled to enjoy your vacation without the added stress of babysitting." - lunalieee
"You're not the AH. It's unfair for her to assume you'd help out just because you're a woman. Stick to your boundaries and focus on enjoying your time with your family." - SouthKaren
"I feel sorry for your SIL, but that's between her and your AH brother. Who agrees to some one-sided arrangement like they have regarding childcare/housework vs bills?"
"You were on vacation, and you went to relax and visit with your family, not so SIL could have a break. That's harsh but truthful."
"It's not up to you to help her. In fact, I am surprised she even agreed to go just four weeks after giving birth. I was still having trouble sitting without my donut pillow and getting around in general. She probably only agreed to come because she expected she'd get some rest with all his family around."
"NTA." - Live_Western_1389
Others agreed and pointed out that the sister-in-law didn't have much room to complain.
"NTA. Tell your SIL that you are both on vacation. The difference is that one of you has kids and the other does not. I could see you lending a hand occasionally if she were a single parent. But the fact the kids have both parents there but only one is doing actual parenting is wild."
"She can be mad all she wants but it's not your responsibility to step up if your brother refuses to do his part. What would happen if one kid gets hurt and has to go to the ER? Does she have to bring them all with her? She needs to reevaluate her relationship and not be bitter towards you for something you have no part in." - shadyzeta579
"NTA. Why would any woman marry someone like this and have MORE children?!"
"Here are the consequences of your actions... He told her who he was, she didn't believe him... Unfortunately, the children will pay the price."
"Time for her to give up the pipe dream, get some job skills, hire a babysitter, and move on with her life." - MNConcerto
"My wife and I both come from families with more than two kids. We love our kids, taking nightly bedtime stories, constant trips and activities, etc."
"We both saw less active parenting from our parents after child number two. We both decided only two and we are so happy with our situation. We have family members with more than two and they struggle for everything, including groceries, extracurriculars, and vacations/trips."
"Just doesn't look like a fun life. I get the draw of big families as I have around 30 cousins, but with this economy and time required for everything nowadays, it's just not smart." - bigspikes08
"OP's brother told SIL he would not parent the kids. Not at all. She agreed to that. She already had kids so she knew what was involved in parenting children. She chose to be married to and have more kids with a man like this."
"It's like a man marrying a woman who has said I will not ever cook so don't even ask and then being mad that they are having to deal with cooking for himself and then kids when they come along."
"If that is what you agreed to, don't b***h about it later. And don't expect others to step in and help when your significant other is doing exactly what they said they would or would not do." - CommunicationGlad299
"The wife needs a spine to have a conversation with her husband. You do not go on vacation expecting others to help but it sounds like the sil gets NO time to herself due to the husband. NONE of which is OP's problem." - Ok_Ring_3261
"NTA. The SIL wants someone to blame and to project her internalized misogynistic beliefs onto OP, like, 'You are a woman too; women should help (another woman or childcare).' The double standard applied to you and your brother is disgusting." - no_more_cat_2024
"NTA. How did your parents react?"
"I would make it clear that you will not be vacationing with your SIL and her kids anymore. Separate vacations with your parents that your brother only can drop in on. I agree he is a jerk, but he was honest with his wife before the wedding."
"My grandmother told me once, 'Men marry a woman thinking she will never change, women marry a man thinking he will change after marriage. Both are mistaken.'" - Liu1845
The subReddit completely understood the OP's frustrations with being pressured to care for six children who were not hers during a family vacation just so her sister-in-law could take a break.
It might be one thing if the two women had discussed their expectations beforehand or if the OP had offered to help out and then retracted the offer, but pressuring and shaming a woman to help, just because she was a woman, was not a good look.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp