Even if they are not related to their parents by blood, adopted children are nonetheless given unconditional love from their adoptive parents.
As they are, undisputedly, their children.
Even so, most adopted children still tend to wonder who their biological parents are, with some even searching for them.
Some adopted children who find their biological parents end up having strong relationships with them.
For others, the results prove to be a bit less happy.
Redditor Historical-Gold27 found and became in contact with her biological mother, but soon after found herself losing contact with her.
Even so, the original poster (OP) was still determined to find her biological father.
While she eventually found a way to do so, it would risk further complicating her already fragile relationship with her birth mother.
Having doubts as to whether or not to go through with it, the OP took to the subReddit "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA for doing a "23 & Me" test, knowing this might reveal my (secret) existence to my bio-mom's side of the family?"
The OP explained why she had doubts about a possible DNA test that would help her find her biological father:
"Sorry this title sounds so dramatic, in reality it's more just complicated."
"So I (32 F[emale]) was adopted as a baby."
"It was supposed to be a closed adoption, but my biological parents' names were visible on the paperwork that came from the hospital/adoption agency."
"I was able to track down my bio-mom about ten years ago."
"We exchanged a few emails and talked on the phone, and she sent me photos of my bio-siblings who were not placed for adoption."
"I expressed interest in meeting my bio-siblings, and my bio-mom said she was sure they'd like to meet me also, but she needed time to break the news of my existence to them because she felt some type of way about having kept it a secret for 20+ years."
"As I said, that was 10 years ago."
"Bio-mom never reached out again to let me know she'd told the rest of the family about me, nor did I hear from any of them, so I assume my existence is still a secret."
"And when I did try sending her an email (about something unrelated; it was actually a medical history question) at one point after that, I never got a response."
"So my read is that she's not interested in further contact with me, which is understandable and more than fine."
"But on the other side of the coin, I was never able to find my bio-dad, although I did try for a while."
'I've recently been considering submitting my DNA to 23 & Me on the chance that maybe I can find him or family members on his side, and also I'd just like to know more about my ethnicity and heritage."
"But I know that if I do so and anyone on my bio-mom's side has submitted DNA or does in the future, they'll see that I exist."
"I've respected my bio-mom's wishes not to reach out directly to my bio-siblings even though I have their contact information, and I can't shake the feeling that doing 23 & Me is just a sneaky way of circumventing that and acting all innocent."
"It feels kind of crappy and like it would be a betrayal."
"I considered trying to send my bio-mom a heads up that I was planning to submit my DNA, but since our interaction ended with her ghosting me I worry that sounds like a threat or an ultimatum."
"So WIBTA if I submitted to 23 & me, and/or should I try to warn my bio-mom first?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP would fall in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP would not be the A**hole if she took a 23andMe test.
Most agreed that the OP had every right to find her biological father, and if her biological mother's other children ended up finding out through 23andMe, that meant that they probably wanted to know of her existence as well, even if some urged her to proceed with caution and prepare herself for all sorts of reactions.
"YWNBTA."
"My (adoptive) mom did not know her dad, and I don't know my bio dad."
"We did Ancestry DNA and were linked to our bio dad's family very easily."
"If you are worried about that, you have the option of hiding yourself so no one else can see the link."
"I would recommend AncestryDNA over 23&Me for this circumstance, but that is purely my own bias."- Ordinary-Calendar-47
"NTA."
"Everyone has the right to know who they are and where they come from."
"If the fallout is your Bio siblings finding out, then so be it."
"You want to meet them, and this may just force your Mum's hand a little."
"I wish you luck finding your Bio Dad, but be aware he may not want to know you."-Successful_Bath1200
"NTA."
"If this becomes an issue, it's because your bio-siblings also participated in 23 & Me."
"Why should they get to do so while you're left out?"
"I personally had a very interesting car ride down to my in-laws' when my wife discovered that she had a half-sister through 23 & Me."
"We spent a good 15 minutes speculating on who her dad had cheated with when her sister casually informed her that they had both been adopted at birth."
"Apparently my wife's bio-dad had kids by three different women."
"That suddenly explained my in-laws' refusal to participate in 23 & Me and why years before my MIL had burst into tears and left the room when we expressed shock that my wife was only a quarter German and not half German as expected."
"At the time it hadn't even entered our minds that she was adopted."
"To this day, we've respected a don't-ask-don't-tell policy with regard to the adoption."-SomeoneYouDontKnow70
"NTA."
"I might be a little salty cuz I reached out to my bio dad last week and [he] blocked me AND I think it's frickin rude that your bio mom ghosted you."
"Regardless, you can't live your life tiptoeing around her."
"It's not a personal attack against your mom."
"You have the right to learn about yourself."- BigUglySecondToe
"NTA."
"Wanting to get to know your biological family is a very valid reason to use 23 & me."
"You don't owe your biological mother to keep her secret."
"You have every right to contact your siblings too."
"I would warn her if you'd consider that so she can break the news herself."
"Yet, if she doesn't reply, I do think you have the right to contact them."
"Yet, you should always be prepared that they (and your biological mom) might not respond in the way you expect them to respond."- Evening_Mulberry_566
Others, however, felt the OP's decision was risky to the point of inadvisability, as possibly alerting not only her biological mother's other children but also her biological father's family could preclude any chances of her ever getting to know him.
"Donor conceived person, here."
"My take is a little different from other folks."
'I would proceed with extreme caution and understand that your bio dad might not want his entire family informed before he has a chance to decide what he wants."
"I know, because I did exactly that and blew my shot at ever getting to know him."
"Practically, this means changing your privacy settings to 'relative matches off' BEFORE you send the test."
'When the results come in, turn that setting to 'on' and take screenshots of all your matches to 4th cousin."
"Do that as fast as you can and then turn it off and log out."
"Login with a newly opened browser to confirm the relative matches are truly off."
"Do all your research with the screenshots."
"Only turn it on for brief moments when 23&me emails once a month with new matches."
'Do not message relatives with questions about bio dad or anything else without his consent."
"Once you find your dad, you can gain consent to turn it on from bio parents."
"IMHO, YWBTA if you leave don't take precautions."
"But more importantly, you might miss out on knowing bio dad at all."
"PS: I can help with family tree research and finding free DNA detectives."
'Reach out any time."- listen-curiously
Giving up children for adoption is a decision no one takes lightly.
And deep down, all parents who make that choice must know that their biological children might one day reach out to them.
While it sadly seems that the OP's biological mother doesn't want to maintain a relationship with her, as evidenced by the ghosting, hiding her existence from her children is bound to catch up to her eventually.
Possibly even through genetic testing.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp