There are wild stories all over the internet of two people falling madly in love, getting married, and even having children together before they discover that they’re related. All they can do after that is make a huge, heartbreaking decision.
It stands to reason that people would want to play it safe now and get a DNA test, so they don’t potentially go through the same thing, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor Organic-Draft6504 didn’t see what the big concern was about getting a DNA test, despite the fact that his future wife was adopted and worried about the possibility of being related.
When she continued to insist, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if there was anything he could do to appease his future bride without taking the test.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to take a DNA test to confirm my fiancée and I are not related because I’m uncomfortable sharing my DNA with big business?”
The OP’s fiancée was worried about who she was related to.
“My (27 Male) fiancée (26 Female) is adopted. She was adopted at birth and hasn’t had any contact with her birth family.”
“She read an article a few months ago about a married couple who were both adopted and found out they were biological siblings six years into their marriage.”
“Now, she’s worried that might be us, even though I was not adopted.”
The OP didn’t agree with her concerns.
“I’ve explained to her over and over again that my parents have been faithful to each other, so there is no way we are siblings.”
“She still wants us to get tested in case there is an uncle or other relative of mine that slept around (she knows her birth mother was a sex worker and our families lived in the same major city).”
“I think she’s being ridiculous. I don’t want to waste $200 on us getting tested. I don’t want to have my DNA sitting in some database where it can be hacked into.”
“I also don’t want my data sitting on a website where anyone ‘connected to my tree’ can find me. It weirds me out.”
The OP also didn’t want to uncover his fiancée’s past.
“I told her I wasn’t comfortable with her getting tested either because who knows what skeletons her biological family has in the closet.”
“I don’t want her to find out she’s related to bad people and then be upset.”
“I also don’t want half of my future kids’ genetic makeup sitting in some ‘confidential’ corporate database.”
His fiancée was not happy with the OP’s reasoning.
“I told her all of this, but she still brings it up.”
“I may have crossed a line today when I told her she was being disrespectful of my family by indicating one of them may have abandoned their child.”
“She started crying and left.”
“She’s not answering any of my phone calls or texts, and her sister is calling me an a**hole for saying mean things about her biological family.”
“As far as I’m concerned, they abandoned her, so they are dead to me, and I don’t owe them any respect.”
“On the other hand, they are genetically related to her, so maybe by proxy, I’m calling her a deadbeat, too?”
“I still don’t want either of us to do the test, but I have a feeling this isn’t going to blow over.”
“AITA if I continue standing firm and refuse to get tested?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were perplexed by the OP’s apathy toward his fiancée’s feelings.
“OP, please please please learn this lesson now. It may not be a big deal to you, and it may even seem kind of silly to you. But things that are a big deal to your partner should be treated like a big deal.”
“You should give a sh*t. Treating something that is a big deal to her that seems silly to you like it’s a big deal will show her that you give a sh*t about her.”
“That’s not to say that you give in to everything she wants, and I understand why you don’t want to do a 23 and Me test, but just listen, please.” – BelkiraHoTep
“OP was, apparently, just giving a flat, absolute NO, and dismissing her concerns. So no, that’s not going to trigger a problem-solving, ‘let’s see if there’s another way,’ from the other person in the, let’s be polite and say ‘discussion.’ Unfortunate, but true.”
“I’m really not in favor of DNA ancestry testing for curiosity’s sake. It can lead to discoveries that were better left sleeping.”
“But in this case, I’m sorry, but his fiance’s mother was a sex worker. There is a non-zero chance that they could be related. Tiny, but not zero.”
“And that’s not something you want to find out later if a major medical problem for one of their possible kids makes testing necessary.”
“OP is wrong.” – Ornery-Ad-4818
“I’m very, VERY opposed to giving my DNA to a corporate website, but OP’s other reasons are maddening. ‘Too expensive’ and ‘not wanting to deal with her emotions’ should not be on the list of his issues with getting DNA testing done. $200 is not that much, especially if you look at it as part of the wedding expenses.”
“His reasons for not wanting her to get a test are really sad/controlling/selfish as well. ‘I don’t want to support her if she gets bad news’ is not a great sentiment to begin married life. OP is really showing he doesn’t value her enough to spend the bare minimum financially or emotionally. OP’s response should make his fiancée question his commitment to her.”
“Relatedly: ‘My parents never cheated.’ OP really has no idea if that is true or not and he certainly can’t vouch for what all of his aunts/uncles/grandparents were up to.”
“Sure, the chances are low that they are related, but it happens enough, and having a huge blackhole about your own origins makes these kinds of things really loom large in your thinking. It is a small price to pay for peace of mind, but apparently too high a price for OP.” – Corpuscular_Ocelot
“Like disregarding him getting a DNA test… he doesn’t want her to get one because of his children having their info stored somewhere. Right now, his future children don’t have a family history at ALL, and neither does she.”
“He wants to marry and have kids with this woman but has purposely stayed ignorant to the additional anxiety that being adopted can add to starting a family. I’m not adopted or dating an adopted person, and I’m aware of it, but he can’t even care enough to Google more info?” – Current_Read_7808
Others pointed out that having a DNA comparison would be no big deal.
“YTA… Dude, you could just go to your medical provider, explain the situation and have them run a comparison. It’s really not rocket science, and the results don’t need to be stored or skeletons unearthed, but it is an easy way to get the answer your future wife is after and settle her mind.”
“As to the reasoning for the doc: We are thinking of having children, and there is a valid concern that we are related. Please have our DNA compared.” – Calm_Inky
“The fiancée should have been respectful of OP’s reservations and found alternative ways of finding this out.” – Alien_lifeform_666
“OP also objected to her getting her own DNA tested in case she’s related to ‘bad people.’ She shouldn’t pressure him to get tested, but it’s not his decision what she does with her DNA.” – liver-flipper
“I was very curious if OP and his fiancé planned on kids, even though that is apparently not relevant to either of their motivations here. What if the fiancé is a carrier for something so devastating, it makes more sense for her not to have kids than to risk her kids having it?”
“There are also a ton of genetic conditions that make childbirth too dangerous for people to seriously consider it. What if the fiancé has one of those?”
“Are bio kids a dealbreaker in their relationship? If they’re engaged, surely they have talked about this (maybe putting too much faith in people here…). If so, it would be foolish and irresponsible to get married before checking if bio kids are even a realistic option for the fiancé.”
“Even if they don’t think of it as a dealbreaker now, that might change if they find out for a fact bio kids are off the table. She needs to go to a doctor and get genetic counseling of some sort.” – harmcharm77
The subReddit was left shaking their heads over this one, wondering why it was such a big deal for the OP to do something preventatively rather than retrospectively.
It also would be a clear indicator to his wife that he cared for her and the things that were important to her, rather than trying to silence her concerns as the OP’s post suggested.