In the early portion of dating, the couple it testing the waters. They find out more about a person, see how the other reacts to some of the things they do, and test compatibility.
Redditor notapushie had been seeing a girl and found himself tested by her in a way he didn't appreciate. When he refused to play her game, she and her friends got upset.
Now the original poster (OP) isn't sure if he actually acted like a jerk and decided to ask the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit about the situation.
He questioned:
"AITA for not picking up the tab for a girl I am casually dating?"
What put him in this situation?
"I (28M[ale]) have been very casually seeing this girl I will call Lisa (26F[emale]) who I met through mutual friends. We have had some dates where we have met for drinks after work."
"Over the last 3 months we have met up 3-4x. The first time we met we paid for ourselves as we were in a group setting."
"I paid after that and it was very minimal. Maybe $10-15. It was very casual."
"I was hanging out with my sister and her best friend last Friday. Lisa messaged me and asked if I wanted to meet up with her and her friends at a bar/restaurant."
"I told her my sister (21) and friend (21) were with me and she was like the more the merrier. Cool we met up and had good conversation food and drinks."
"The server came and asked how we wanted to divide the bill and I told him that I would pay for myself, sister and her best friend."
"Lisa looks surprised and was like you are not going to pay for me? I said no. She then pushed and asked why and I bluntly told her we are not at that stage where I will shell out that kind of money for her."
"I silenced the table. Her friends tried to give me a hard time but I did not budge."
"I asked Lisa why she was not offering to pay for me since she invited me to this dinner and why did she expect me to pay for her? All she would say is a gentlemen would pay."
"I told her I was a gentlemen but no push over. I paid my share and retrieved my sister and her best friend from the dance floor and we left."
"She sent me a text saying that I embarrassed her. She pointed out I spent over $300 on my sister and her friend but I could not do the same for her. It annoyed the living hell out of me."
"I told her that we were casual she was not my girlfriend and told her to find another sucker to wine and dine her. I then blocked her."
"I spoke with my sisters best friend and she told me I was completely right not paying for Lisa. Lisa and her friends obviously think I am an AH. AITA for not paying for Lisa?"
"The only place where I think I might be the a**hole is I paid for her drinks before but now she expected me to pay for her very expensive dinner."
OP made his choice in the moment, but after the fact isn't 100% sure he was right. Did he lead Lisa to believe he would pay by paying before? Who is right here?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for refusing to pay for Lisa by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
While OP might be questioning, he can rest easy. Commenters agreed that Lisa shouldn't have just assumed OP would pay for her meal when things were still casual between them.
Even more so, Lisa is the one who invited OP out. If anything, she should have offered to pay for him.
Maybe he's down a date, but OP probably didn't need someone who wants to take advantage of him.
The final judgement was the OP was NTA.
"No, NTA."
"She invited you, so if the responsibility for the bill should fall on anyone it would actually be on her. However, you were with your sister and her friend, you all agreed to gather as a group, so you're back to going Dutch."
"My suspicion: this girl was looking forward to you picking up the tab and spoiling her in front of her friends. That didn't happen, her flex failed, she got upset."
"To add insult to her perceived injury, you actually paid for other girls instead. Despite her hope of looking like the fawned over siren, nothing you did was rude or improper." - voluntoldwife
"NTA. If anything, SHE should have offered to pay for YOU since she is the one who issued the invitation."
"My guess is, since it sounds like an expensive place (if 3 people were 300 bucks), she hit you up to come precisely because she wanted you to pay for her (meaning she attempted to use you). I'd consider this the end of all contact with her." - vodka_philosophy
"lol why do you think she invited you???"
"She wanted you to pay..."
"If you asked her out, it would be expected that you pay. I'm all for equality, so if she asked you out, then she should be paying for you."
"She was trying to show off for her friends about how she has you wrapped and it backfired then they tried to help her out by attempting to guilt you into paying."
"NTA, and if you don't like to play kids games, you just dodged a bullet." - Forseti555666
"NTA you were in a group setting and SHE invited YOU."
"You guys are also casual, it's not a date, she's not your girlfriend, and as nothing more than a 'friend' she doesn't have a right to expect that from you." - _Sniffin_
"NTA big assumptions Made that should not have been. I remember we had my daughter and her friend to stay and we went out for pizza, they were 18 at the time. "
"When the bill came her friend tried to pay for her, so sweet (we paid but really appreciated the offer)"
"Also my husband and I have had a rule since we met that whomever does the asking does the paying." - decentlyfair
"No, NTA. Sounds like she was looking for a free meal. And OF COURSE her friends are gonna think you're the AH, they're her friends! Obviously they're going to pick her side."
"The whole 'men pay' thing was really only relevant when women didn't work or worked low paying jobs. That's not the case anymore."
"(Yes I know there is the argument about the pay gap but I'm really not looking to get into the weeds about that bc it's out of the scope of this comment). If that's really her view and what she expects, I'd maybe leave it at that and move on. It's not as if she's the last woman you'll ever meet." - Dadbod86_20
Other comments couldn't believe the audacity of Lisa. They were convinced that OP should 'break up' with her.
However, they missed the part where he said he blocked her:
"NTA. Lol, she asked you out, she should have paid for you, or at the least been ready to pay for herself. Dump her." - DeadGodJess
"We are done. I blocked her." - notapushie (OP)
"Good for you! She was playing stupid games." - DeadGodJess
"NTA, you handled an awkward situation appropriately and likely dodged a very large bullet in the process."
"Her reaction tells you everything you need to know about whether she's worth continuing to spend time with. Also, 'A gentleman would pay' is outdated nonsense." - beneaththeseracs
"NTA. The idea that 'gentlemen pay' is sexist. I asked my now husband out on our first date."
'When we were dating I was fully employed and he was a student who worked part-time so I often paid for things since I earned more. I was the one who proposed. We are still happily married 7 years later."
"I do think that you and this woman are not suited to each other and will probably break up. But go look at the comments section on any article on this topic."
"People do not agree about this and everyone has their own beliefs about what should be the default assumption. There is no default assumption."
"My one piece of advice for the future would be that you might want to set these expectations at the beginning of a meal. But she invited you out; the idea that you would pay for her should not be assumed outside of sexist standards." - Maria_Dragon
OP likely dodged a bullet, but Lisa should learn a lesson here. Maybe next time she won't assume someone is going to pay for her and set expectations up front about the relationship.
Otherwise, she'll find herself shelling out her own money for a meal again.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.