In the early portion of dating, the couple it testing the waters. They find out more about a person, see how the other reacts to some of the things they do, and test compatibility.
Redditor notapushie had been seeing a girl and found himself tested by her in a way he didn’t appreciate. When he refused to play her game, she and her friends got upset.
Now the original poster (OP) isn’t sure if he actually acted like a jerk and decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about the situation.
He questioned:
“AITA for not picking up the tab for a girl I am casually dating?”
What put him in this situation?
“I (28M[ale]) have been very casually seeing this girl I will call Lisa (26F[emale]) who I met through mutual friends. We have had some dates where we have met for drinks after work.”
“Over the last 3 months we have met up 3-4x. The first time we met we paid for ourselves as we were in a group setting.”
“I paid after that and it was very minimal. Maybe $10-15. It was very casual.”
“I was hanging out with my sister and her best friend last Friday. Lisa messaged me and asked if I wanted to meet up with her and her friends at a bar/restaurant.”
“I told her my sister (21) and friend (21) were with me and she was like the more the merrier. Cool we met up and had good conversation food and drinks.”
“The server came and asked how we wanted to divide the bill and I told him that I would pay for myself, sister and her best friend.”
“Lisa looks surprised and was like you are not going to pay for me? I said no. She then pushed and asked why and I bluntly told her we are not at that stage where I will shell out that kind of money for her.”
“I silenced the table. Her friends tried to give me a hard time but I did not budge.”
“I asked Lisa why she was not offering to pay for me since she invited me to this dinner and why did she expect me to pay for her? All she would say is a gentlemen would pay.”
“I told her I was a gentlemen but no push over. I paid my share and retrieved my sister and her best friend from the dance floor and we left.”
“She sent me a text saying that I embarrassed her. She pointed out I spent over $300 on my sister and her friend but I could not do the same for her. It annoyed the living hell out of me.”
“I told her that we were casual she was not my girlfriend and told her to find another sucker to wine and dine her. I then blocked her.”
“I spoke with my sisters best friend and she told me I was completely right not paying for Lisa. Lisa and her friends obviously think I am an AH. AITA for not paying for Lisa?”
“The only place where I think I might be the a**hole is I paid for her drinks before but now she expected me to pay for her very expensive dinner.”
OP made his choice in the moment, but after the fact isn’t 100% sure he was right. Did he lead Lisa to believe he would pay by paying before? Who is right here?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for refusing to pay for Lisa by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
While OP might be questioning, he can rest easy. Commenters agreed that Lisa shouldn’t have just assumed OP would pay for her meal when things were still casual between them.
Even more so, Lisa is the one who invited OP out. If anything, she should have offered to pay for him.
Maybe he’s down a date, but OP probably didn’t need someone who wants to take advantage of him.
The final judgement was the OP was NTA.
“No, NTA.”
“She invited you, so if the responsibility for the bill should fall on anyone it would actually be on her. However, you were with your sister and her friend, you all agreed to gather as a group, so you’re back to going Dutch.”
“My suspicion: this girl was looking forward to you picking up the tab and spoiling her in front of her friends. That didn’t happen, her flex failed, she got upset.”
“To add insult to her perceived injury, you actually paid for other girls instead. Despite her hope of looking like the fawned over siren, nothing you did was rude or improper.” – voluntoldwife
“NTA. If anything, SHE should have offered to pay for YOU since she is the one who issued the invitation.”
“My guess is, since it sounds like an expensive place (if 3 people were 300 bucks), she hit you up to come precisely because she wanted you to pay for her (meaning she attempted to use you). I’d consider this the end of all contact with her.” – vodka_philosophy
“lol why do you think she invited you???”
“She wanted you to pay…”
“If you asked her out, it would be expected that you pay. I’m all for equality, so if she asked you out, then she should be paying for you.”
“She was trying to show off for her friends about how she has you wrapped and it backfired then they tried to help her out by attempting to guilt you into paying.”
“NTA, and if you don’t like to play kids games, you just dodged a bullet.” – Forseti555666
“NTA you were in a group setting and SHE invited YOU.”
“You guys are also casual, it’s not a date, she’s not your girlfriend, and as nothing more than a ‘friend’ she doesn’t have a right to expect that from you.” – _Sniffin_
“NTA big assumptions Made that should not have been. I remember we had my daughter and her friend to stay and we went out for pizza, they were 18 at the time. “
“When the bill came her friend tried to pay for her, so sweet (we paid but really appreciated the offer)”
“Also my husband and I have had a rule since we met that whomever does the asking does the paying.” – decentlyfair
“No, NTA. Sounds like she was looking for a free meal. And OF COURSE her friends are gonna think you’re the AH, they’re her friends! Obviously they’re going to pick her side.”
“The whole ‘men pay’ thing was really only relevant when women didn’t work or worked low paying jobs. That’s not the case anymore.”
“(Yes I know there is the argument about the pay gap but I’m really not looking to get into the weeds about that bc it’s out of the scope of this comment). If that’s really her view and what she expects, I’d maybe leave it at that and move on. It’s not as if she’s the last woman you’ll ever meet.” – Dadbod86_20
Other comments couldn’t believe the audacity of Lisa. They were convinced that OP should ‘break up’ with her.
However, they missed the part where he said he blocked her:
“NTA. Lol, she asked you out, she should have paid for you, or at the least been ready to pay for herself. Dump her.” – DeadGodJess
“We are done. I blocked her.” – notapushie (OP)
“Good for you! She was playing stupid games.” – DeadGodJess
“NTA, you handled an awkward situation appropriately and likely dodged a very large bullet in the process.”
“Her reaction tells you everything you need to know about whether she’s worth continuing to spend time with. Also, ‘A gentleman would pay’ is outdated nonsense.” – beneaththeseracs
“NTA. The idea that ‘gentlemen pay’ is sexist. I asked my now husband out on our first date.”
‘When we were dating I was fully employed and he was a student who worked part-time so I often paid for things since I earned more. I was the one who proposed. We are still happily married 7 years later.”
“I do think that you and this woman are not suited to each other and will probably break up. But go look at the comments section on any article on this topic.”
“People do not agree about this and everyone has their own beliefs about what should be the default assumption. There is no default assumption.”
“My one piece of advice for the future would be that you might want to set these expectations at the beginning of a meal. But she invited you out; the idea that you would pay for her should not be assumed outside of sexist standards.” – Maria_Dragon
OP likely dodged a bullet, but Lisa should learn a lesson here. Maybe next time she won’t assume someone is going to pay for her and set expectations up front about the relationship.
Otherwise, she’ll find herself shelling out her own money for a meal again.