Content Warning: Weight-shaming, Fat-shaming, Body-shaming
It's commonly understood that it doesn't feel good to receive comments about our bodies from other people and that it's generally unacceptable to make that type of comment.
But there are people in the world who feel like they are exempt from that rule, apparently, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor FakeRobot10010 felt that he had a good relationship with his mother-in-law (MIL), at least until it came to her unwelcome comments about his weight.
When she spent the entire family vacation making comments about his body and joking about his appearance, the Original Poster (OP) was criticized when he'd finally had enough and told her to stop.
He asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for challenging my mother-in-law (MIL) after multiple fat and weight jokes?"
The OP had a good relationship with his mother-in-law, at least most of the time.
"My (45 Male) mother-in-law (MIL) is the queen bee. Everyone dances to her tune and goes out of their way to accommodate what she wants and generally defers to her."
"She's not a bad person by any means. In fact, 95% of the time, she is actually lovely, and we get along fine, have a laugh easily, and she is a fantastic grandmother to my kids.
But her comments about his body during their family vacation were not welcome.
"We were recently all on a family holiday. My wife, our kids, and I went with my sister-in-law (SIL) and her family, as well as my mother-in-law and father-in-law (FIL)."
"Throughout the holiday, she (MIL) made multiple remarks about my weight. I'm not what you'd call morbidly obese, but I'm a big guy, big enough to sweat more easily than most, especially in hot weather or with prolonged exertion. Not to the point where my clothes are saturated or anything, though."
"Most of the remarks were made when I suggested getting a cab instead of a two-hour round-trip walk to go for dinner, or sitting outside to eat, or having to go outside in the evening to cool down due to the indoor humidity."
"Basically, any time I suggested doing something to manage the fact that I run hot (and that's even without the extra weight)."
By the end of the family vacation, the OP had heard enough.
"After biting my tongue all holiday, I snapped on the last day. We were talking about the space (or lack thereof) on flights, and when I remarked that I found it difficult as someone my size, she snapped a remark about losing weight."
"It was so sudden and rude that I was genuinely stunned for a moment."
"She immediately tried to back down, claiming she wasn't trying to be rude, while several other people insisted it WAS rude."
"I clapped back, stating that it had been every day she had something to say and was only backing down now because I was obviously p**sed off."
The family was willing to tolerate the OP being picked on but not him speaking up for himself.
"That's when my SIL got involved. She insisted that I shut up so as not to make MIL upset..."
"She also accused me of ruining the holiday at the last second and then proceeded to ignore me all the way home."
"I tried engaging her in conversation multiple times, and she wouldn't look at me, answering only what she had to."
"My MIL and I spoke very shortly after the incident... we both apologised for our parts in the disagreement, and it was resolved, but I've somehow come out of this feeling like I'm the AH for finally calling her on her behavior."
"So, should I have just said nothing to keep the peace?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some suggested that the OP dodge his MIL's comments by bringing up his parenting style.
"NTA. But the first remark should be met with, 'Please don't make remarks about my body; I'm trying to teach my kids not to bully people.'"
"If she did get upset, my second remark would be, 'Kids don't tend to get nuances, so we just don't criticise other people's bodies.'" - NinjaHidingintheOpen
"NTA. We were always taught the 10-second rule:"
"If you see something about a person you don't like that they are unable to rectify in 10 seconds (button open, toothpaste on sleeve, etc.), it is likely they already know, and it isn't helpful to point it out. Obviously, there may be some nuance and leeway in there, but it is a handy rule of thumb."
"If she were truly concerned for your health a quiet and respectful conversation with you in private would be appropriate. Note the word respectful. Not making digs and barbs and 'jokes.'" - Puskarella
"NTA."
"How old are your kids? We have several relatives who reveal their prejudices at times. Pre-kids, we were pretty tolerant at family gatherings. (There is a line by Jane Austen that fits our thinking: 'She did not think he deserved the compliment of rational opposition.')"
"Now that we have kids, we couch it as, 'We don’t want the kids to hear…'"
"Our kids are old enough now that they call it out directly on their own."
"Your wife should be addressing this with your MIL. Your kids do not need to hear this. You do not need to be subjected to it. If MIL is bothered by larger bodies, that is her issue to work on, privately." - HowlPen
"We kids were raised by narcissists and never allowed to have boundaries."
"It was the greatest thing when once we had kids, we stood up for them and refused to tolerate crap from our parents based on their needs."
"It was so healing, as well as being the best thing for our kids. We see very little of our toxic parents..." - Big-Fig3260
"1. Where is your wife in all this?"
"2. NTA. Nobody should be commenting on anyone's body. Kindergartners learn this. If the thing you want to comment on can't be changed immediately (food on face, show untied, zipper down, etc.), it shouldn't be mentioned. Everyone knows what they look like, and weight gain/loss is a personal matter that many people feel self-conscious about."
"3. 'Lovely' people don't degrade others, even if it is meant to be helpful."
"So everyone who 'dances to her tune' just decides to side with her and gang up on you? What kind of family is this? Do they do this to each other, also?" - throwawaynnfuxanyway
Others pointed out that there were clearly issues in the family with enabling the MIL, perhaps even with the OP's wife.
"Why didn’t your wife say something to her Mom and Sister? No way would I allow my family to disrespect my husband." - Zbornak_Nyland
"My husband would jump down his mother's throat if she disrespected me (like HER MIL did to me once, postpartum, evil lady, I swear). My mom thinks my husband is absolutely PERFECT, so no worries there." - Candid_Jellyfish_240
"If the OP was my man, it would have only happened once and never again. They'd either be dead-quiet or just dead. (Kidding... kidding.)" - unexpectedlytired
"NTA. So queen bee MiL has trained the family into shutting up and keeping the peace; with SiL being her chief flying monkey. Basically, MiL is abusive, and the family says nothing, so the nastiness isn't directed at them."
"I wouldn't have apologized, to be honest; maybe because I have had a lifetime of weight comments directed at me and I'm sick of being shamed. SiL can whine all she likes; put her on a time-out."
"I'm curious to know where your wife was in all this vile, shaming behavior? Why isn't she shutting her mother down and defending you? Is she so used to the abuse from her mother that she no longer notices? And if you have kids, what's going to happen when mummy dearest turns her venom onto them?" - Beagle-Mumma
"Definitely not the a**hole. Your MIL and SIL are. And kinda your wife, too."
"There is no way anyone, let alone my mother, is going to throw digs at and insult my husband, especially in front of other people, and I don’t even want to think about the war it would cause if they did it in front of our children."
"Now that it’s happened, your wife should really be having a conversation with her family about how rude they are being and how unacceptable it is."
"Could you imagine this situation was the other way around, and you were making rude remarks about their weight? I imagine your wife would be quick to defend them. It’s crazy she’s not standing up for you."
"My family would know better. Good luck with future get-togethers, I hope your wife puts an end to it beforehand." - amanda10047630
"You don’t need to apologize for s**t. She was cruel and rude and couldn’t handle the consequences of it. She’s the one who ruined the trip. NTA." - mrsroperscaftan
"NTA. Your MIL was rude to you throughout the whole holiday. Why should you get hell for defending yourself? And why does your SIL worry so much about upsetting MIL when MIL gave no worry about upsetting you?"
"Let's face it, as much as MIL claimed she was not trying to be rude, at some level she knew she was being rude and, for some reason, kept making comments about your weight."
"You were 100% in the right to say something back to her because she was ruining your vacation. And SIL should have kept her nose out of it. I'm glad you and MIL resolved everything, but there is something there if she was sniping at you the whole holiday, even to the point where other people were telling her it was rude."
"And why wasn't your wife backing you up against both your MIL and SIL? She should be on her husband's side and should have said something privately to MIL before you had gotten to the point of blowing up." - bamf1701
"NTA. She was shaming you all holiday. It’s fair enough that you finally had enough. She will never change if she is not called out on her behaviour. Don’t go on holidays with her again." - Bunster04
While the subReddit could agree that what the OP said would have been more effective coming from his wife, addressed to her mother, they also completely understood the OP having an outburst after being picked on throughout the entire family vacation.
The mother-in-law needed to understand that her comments were not welcome, and while the rest of the family seemed to enable her, they needed to understand that there are people in the world, even if they've married into the family like the OP, who will not put up with her comments the same way they've learned to.
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