Talking about a person’s weight is always a sensitive topic.
Some people can’t handle hearing it or speaking about it.
But sometimes it is unavoidable.
Certain situations call for specific conversations.
And the emotions are always in high gear.
Redditor annoyedatgrandma wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my mom she can’t watch my baby?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“For backstory, I (33 F[emale]) am pregnant with my first child.”
“My husband (34 M[ale]) and I live in a major city where most people don’t have cars/drive.”
“We walk basically everywhere (or take the subway).”
“My mom, whom I love, (60 F) is morbidly obese.”
“She’s always been ‘bigger,’ but in the past 10 years has gotten close to 400 lbs.”
“She can’t walk 2 city blocks without sitting, can’t do any stairs, and can’t really fly unless she buys two seats.”
“She complains of pain whenever she has to carry things.”
“We’ve (my sisters and I) encouraged her to go to a doctor.”
“The doctors and specialists all said her hormones are fine, it’s overeating and she needs to lose weight for health reasons.”
“My mom sneaks snacks and doesn’t eat healthy.”
“My husband and I live in a walk-up.”
“I’m due in June, and my mom asked if she can come up and help with the baby the first few weeks.”
“I said, of course, all help is always appreciated.”
“Then she said that she would like my husband and I to have her as childcare for a few months instead of doing daycare (which we already have enrolled in).”
“We told her we already have a daycare but appreciate the offer and she can come visit anytime.”
“My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] is coming for a few weeks after my mom, and we told my mom she can come right after that again if she wants and we can book her flight for her.”
“She kept insisting, saying she would be better than a ‘random childcare person.'”
“We told her babies are a ton of work and she can come to visit, but we don’t expect her to watch the baby full time.”
“She told us we were making a major mistake not taking her up on daycare.”
“She kept pushing it and said we’d regret not taking her up on her offer, and I finally told her I don’t want her watching the baby because of her weight – if there is an emergency, she can’t take the baby on a walk or even get the stroller out of the house.”
“Our nursery is on the top floor, so I don’t think she could even get our baby up and down the stairs.”
“She started crying and said I hate her because she’s fat.”
“I told her that’s not true, but I have to think about in an emergency how she could help the baby, and that’s my first concern.”
“I love my mom, but I don’t think she physically could handle taking our baby out or upstairs.”
“Now she’s not speaking to me, and told my sister I ‘am embarrassed of her.’”
“She also said I prefer my MIL because she’s thin (something I have never brought up, and we aren’t using my MIL as daycare).”
“I don’t think I was mean and wasn’t going to mention her weight until she pushed it, but now I think I’m the a**hole because my family is divided.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So Reddit, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, you are focused on what’s best for your baby, and that’s what matters most.”
“Obviously, you didn’t want to hurt your mom’s feelings, but what’s worse, injured feelings or injured baby?”
“Your mom is clearly in denial about her health and size.”
“Overeating is an addiction, and your mom is displaying typical addict behavior here.”
“Sneaking snacks, denying there’s a problem, projecting, etc.”
“You’ve stopped enabling her, so now in her mind you’re the problem.”
“Just like any other addiction, she has to want to help herself before you can help her.”
“I’m sorry you’re going through this during what should be an exclusively happy time.”
“Hopefully, Mom comes around.”
“Individual and family counseling could be really helpful here.” ~ Tricky_Tax4933
“NTA. Repeat after me, ‘I am not responsible for any adult feeling.'”
“Your mother is not just overweight.”
“She is morbidly obese.”
“She cannot provide safe care for your child.”
“Now she is trying to guilt you with her ‘she hates me because I’m fat’ and ‘she’s embarrassed by me.'”
“Your mother is so selfish.”
“Ignore her drama and reconsider having her visit during your P[ost] P[artum] time.”
“You do not need her immature guilt trips when you are navigating motherhood.” ~ Ok_Tonight_3703
“Sometimes facts hurt.”
“But they are still the facts.”
“You tried deflecting, and she wasn’t even responsible enough to recognize her own limitations.”
“You aren’t embarrassed by her. You are being an intelligent person who is prioritizing the wellbeing of your baby and recognizing she’s not capable of providing the care your baby will need.”
“You wouldn’t as a blind person to drive you to work either. NTA.” ~ EconomyVoice7358
“NTA, but I wonder if the conversation comes up again if it would be easier to navigate from a positive perspective?”
“’When you can do XYZ we’d love for you to come to watch the baby’ and XYZ can be goals like walking down a flight of stairs, walking x distance easily, whatever milestones you feel mean she could safely care for your child at this age.”
“Just a thought for this challenging situation.” ~ Dense-Passion-2729
“NTA – two months is way too long to have anyone sleeping on a cot in your living room, regardless of their weight.”
“I (61F) have a grandson who is 10 days old.”
“I have helped with the baby for a few days, but my son and daughter-in-law are already doing so well.”
“They are ready to start their own little family routine.”
“Shorter visits are better.” ~ OkTop9308
“NTA. Short and to the point: if your mother can’t stay in your guest bedroom because of stairs, she definitely cannot care for your baby.”
“She’s playing the victim with zero reason.” ~ Organic_Start_420
“NTA. Sometimes, as the saying goes, the truth hurts.”
“Your concerns are legit and real, and babies/toddlers should have outside time and someone who can handle an emergency situation.”
“Your mom probably just feels awful already and this stung.
“Hopefully, this will help motivate her to want to lose weight so she can be around to watch her grandchild grow up.”
“Sounds like you handled it honestly but gently.” ~ bokatan778
“NTA. My fiancè and I have had this conversation as well.”
“My mother is much older than him and has me late in her life so she’s not as physically fit or healthy.”
“If daycare or babysitting is needed, we’ll probably leave the baby with his mom or sister.”
“My mom would only be able to take care of the baby during the first few months of the baby’s life before the baby gets too fussy and heavy for her.”
“I’ve talked to her about this and she understood.”
“Also, as another person has pointed out, there might be a chance your mom is trying to ‘move in’ with you.”
“It seems that she might physically need help in her daily life activities if she’s at the weight and having that much trouble.”
“Does she rent or own her place?” ~ AppearanceOk5806
OP responded…
“I see people commenting my mom might move in – she isn’t seeking to do that.”
“She and my dad are happy in their home, and my dad is pretty healthy and assists her.”
“They also have had their house retrofitted with a stair assist lift and mobility assistance bathrooms.”
“When she comes to visit, she stays in a hotel that we pay for, as our guest bedroom and bathroom are on the second floor and not accessible to her.”
“She wouldn’t be able to live in our house as she wouldn’t be able to get to the room or bathroom, and she needs an assistance pole thing in the shower that we don’t have.”
“I should have phrased it as mobility and not obesity.”
“This conversation was over fiveish weeks with me deflecting every time or telling her we have a good daycare we are enrolled in after leave.”
“So I think I was frazzled and should have handled it better by ignoring or saying mobility.”
Reddit continued…
“NTA. You are 100% right to consider everything that your baby may need and make a plan based on reality.”
“Your mom obviously has a poor self-image, and it sounds like she pushed until she got an answer that validated her own thoughts and feelings.”
“Her response is unfortunate, but you weren’t cruel and are willing to let her be as involved as she is able.”
“Your priorities are where they should be.” ~ NovelTeach
“NTA at all.”
“She’s deflecting the consequences of her life choices onto you as a way to absolve herself from responsibility.”
“Instead of using this as a wake-up call to improve her health, she’s playing the victim.
“It’s very sad and unfortunate, as I’m sure she’s a very loving person in your life, based on how happily you responded to her visiting you.”
“Hopefully, in time, she’ll come to accept reality and WANT to put the work in for herself so she’ll be around longer to see her grandbaby grow.” ~ Ace_In_The_Whole1776
“NTA- She feels bad about her weight and is taking it out on you.”
“Let her sulk a bit, she’ll get over it.”
“She knows you’re not ashamed of her.”
“Mobility is a problem if she can’t even go up one flight.”
“Frame all discussions around her inability to get around the house.”
“I hope everything turns out ok.” ~ No_Stage_6158
“NTA. You laid out a series of very legitimate practical concerns.”
“This is not about body image, and while I’m sure her feelings are hurt (which sucks, and I don’t believe you wanted to hurt her feelings!), the safety of your infant child is paramount.”
“You advocated for your child in the face of pressure which can be difficult to do.” ~ Sea_Kangaroo826
“NTA. Your Mom is physically incapable of keeping the baby safe in the event of an emergency.”
“It’s not fair to sacrifice the quality of the baby’s care so your Mom can feel better about herself.”
“I think your mother is being manipulative to get her own way.”
“Don’t let her guilt trip you.” ~ napsrule321
“NTA. I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom said later down the road that she was upset with herself and took it out on you.”
“Maybe your mom will be open to spending family time at a park where she will be getting some exercise.”
“Don’t push her, but she needs to realize that your child will not be an infant forever.” ~ MaeSilver909
“I mean, what if she dropped the baby?”
“I’m guessing bending over and picking up the baby wouldn’t be possible.”
“And a million other horrifying situations where your mom wouldn’t be capable of caring for your kid safely. NTA.” ~ AsparagusOverall8454
“NTA – The truth hurts sometimes, unfortunately.”
“If she can’t walk distances or move quickly, that’s a real hazard.”
“What about when the baby is mobile?”
“She can enjoy being a grandma without worrying about having to be childcare.” ~ Jdawn82
“NTA, listen, I sympathize because my grandson was born last year when I weighed 300 lbs and have some chronic ortho issues not related to my weight.”
“I had a brutally honest discussion with the parents about what I could and couldn’t do, what I was doing to try and lose the weight, etc.”
“I did watch him all last summer, but did NOT do stairs (luckily they were in a ranch house), and was very careful when I carried him.”
“We worked it out, but it required honesty and work on my part.”
“Your mom is going to need to do the same because it doesn’t get any easier once the baby is mobile!” ~ aloneintheupwoods
“NTA… her weight is not safe for the baby.”
“What happens when she has a major heart attack or fall, etc.” ~ One_Raise1521
“NTA. You tried being polite, and she kept pushing.”
“You gave her the truth.”
“That hurt her, but that is not your fault because her choices led her to this, not yours.”
“Always protect your child.”
“You did the right thing.” ~ WhereWeretheAdults
“NTA. I’m sure it didn’t feel good for her to hear, but it also sounds like you tried to politely get out of telling her exactly why, and she kept pushing.”
“There are certain things that are just difficult for bigger people to do, and you are probably right that she would struggle to get a baby and a stroller down all those stairs.” ~ Clear_Peach7479
This is a tough situation, OP.
You had no malicious intent.
You have to think of what’s best for your baby.
Good luck.