No two relationships are exactly the same, and couples are going to have their messy, complicated moments.
But sometimes, nasty secrets get revealed when a couple commits to a long-term relationship or marriage, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Due-Lie-1582 was looking forward to marrying his partner after they'd started dating upon agreeing to a future arranged marriage.
But when he heard one of the things the bride wanted to do on their wedding day, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure it was going to work out.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my fiancée that she cannot use the necklace which was given by her former boyfriend for our wedding?"
The OP was preparing for his arranged marriage.
"My (31 Male) fiancée Riya (31 Female) and I are supposed to get married in a month or so. It's an arranged marriage."
"After our parents introduced us, we decided to try dating, which we've been doing for a few years now."
"After we'd discussed everything with our families, set the date after consulting the astrologer, and sent out invitations, the discussion about the jewelry was to be addressed (the necklace is the Hindu equivalent of the Christian wedding ring called a 'mangalsutra')."
The OP was surprised by his bride-to-be's wishes for their wedding day.
"She had an engagement with someone else before (he was her boyfriend), but it had been called off at the end due to questions of dubious morality on the groom's side."
"She told me yesterday that she wants to use the same necklace that her ex-boyfriend had given her for our wedding."
"I was shocked and told her that I was not going to agree to that. I said that we could find a necklace ourselves, but she said it was the one she liked."
An ugly argument escalated from there.
"I got into an argument with her by saying that she cannot use a marital necklace that was given by her ex, but she said that it's her choice and is none of my business or concern."
"In the end, she said that I was 'controlling' her and that 'it was just a necklace, and nothing more than a formality,' and blamed me for being attached to it, etc."
"She was not budging at all, however, and accused me of being a misogynist, that I am 'showing my true colors,' and stuff like that."
"She basically just called me a lot of names, and I am wondering whether I did anything wrong."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were worried the bride-to-be was ready for some 'dubious morality' of her own.
"You are talking about the mangalsutra, right? If that is the case, let me enlighten the Western folks. A mangalsutra is something a groom ties on a bride's neck when there are all the rituals going on. It means exactly what a ring means when you are putting it on your wife's finger during the church/catholic wedding."
"So this man is supposed to give that mangalsutra to the bride, which also means that indirectly the ex-boyfriend is the one making the lifetime promise, in this life and forever promise, NOT OP, which also means that since Hindu weddings are spiritual, in spirit she is marrying her ex-boyfriend and not her current fiance. He's just there for appearances."
"Dude, leave this girl. Tell her parents that since she wants to use the same mangalsutra her ex-boyfriend gave her, then it's almost like she's getting married to her ex-boyfriend. And you don't want to be a shadow of that person."
"OP, you're NTA. But if you marry this person only for the sake of your parents and what society says, you'll be doing the biggest disservice to yourself. Your life will not be a happily ever after."
"When people show you who they are, believe them. Either you can get through this with her before the marriage, or you can get through this alone. You'll be the a**hole to yourself if you live in her ex-boyfriend's shadow all your life."
"Also, I completely forgot to address the last paragraph: she is also manipulative, and knows what she is doing is not right. Hence she doubled down and painted you as the bad guy. Do you think you can live with this all your life?" - Glitter_dealer
"The OP said, 'She basically just called me a lot of names, and I am wondering whether I did anything wrong.' Yes, you are doing something wrong, you are marrying the wrong girl. SHE is the one showing her true colors."
"He also pointed out, 'It had been called off at the end due to questions of dubious morality on the groom's side.' ...Are you sure the questions weren't about HER dubious morality? Because her morality sure is dubious now."
"NTA." - DolwantToKnow6417
"NTA. Can you talk with her parents about what the deal with the ex was? Or asking your mum to talk with hers? It sounds like she isn't over her ex." - adamtheundead
"NTA. She's manipulating you and gaslighting you into thinking you're wrong and being controlling. You are not. You are 100% right. The necklace is meant to symbolize your marriage. The two of you."
"Not her ex. Every time you look at her, you will think of her ex and how she is wearing his necklace and not yours."
"She isn't over her ex. Don't marry her." - Katiew84
"If my partner wanted to use a ring from a previous relationship ship, that's a h**l no. If the reply (as was in this case) was that 'they liked this one,' I would say we can have a new one made like that one but new. We could even add any tweaks they might want to make it even more perfect to their liking."
"If they insisted that it was stupid because they liked that one just fine, I would explain what it meant to me. I'd offer to have an identical one made."
"If they think it's a waste of money, we could trade the old one to the new jeweler for part of the price."
"If they keep complaining after that, it's not just a necklace/ring to them, it's more." - KCarriere
"NTA."
"Her attitude raises questions about what happened during the first relationship. Why is she so attached to something an ex gave her after they split up if he had dubious morality? What was his 'dubious morality' in the first place?"
"Her attitude about this whole thing is weird. If what he did was really that bad, why would she want to keep that necklace from such a bad time?"
"I would get it if the necklace was a family heirloom or a piece her parents got her, but this is from an ex." - COLGKenny
"I'm from a very different culture (Western/atheist) and I've received lovely gold + diamond necklaces as gifts from the long-term boyfriends I dated before my current partner… I cherish the mementos stashed away in my jewelry box, but I still never wear them, it would feel so weird."
"They were tokens of love that don't exist anymore, and now that I'm thinking it over while reading this thread, it would also feel disrespectful to my boyfriend to wear sentimental gifts from previous relationships. I never even considered doing it! even though I love having a nice daily necklace to wear, and my boyfriend hasn't gifted me any jewelry yet… lol (laughing out loud)."
"And with the extra important meaning that the mangalsutra specifically has?! Huge yikes. The thought never should have entered her mind if she was actually interested in this relationship. OP needs to be thankful that she showed her true colors and abandon this doomed-to-fail arrangement." - little-bird
Others agreed and encouraged the OP to call off the wedding.
"NTA. It sounds like she isn't over the ex. I would call off the wedding."
"The fact she called you a bunch of names instead of understanding that any reasonable person would not want his bride to wear or even still have a necklace from a former fiancé is a huge red flag. Run." - Lilac-Roses-Sunsets
"Call this marriage off. Her behavior is unacceptable. She's attached to that jewelry and she's disrespecting you and calling you her ex's shadow."
"OP is NTA. I'm Hindu, and in Hinduism, the necklace he's talking about has a lot of significance and meaning. It's like connecting the couple together for the rest of their lives and their rebirth in spiritual form and not just emotional)." - stwr_rigel
"NTA. I have to beg you not to marry this woman. I say this because she refuses to give up on an old boyfriend."
"I would not wear any jewelry my boyfriend gave me in the past, especially on my wedding day. I know it is hard, but please really think about this marriage. Sounds like she still loves her ex a lot." - Justtheretoread2085
"Actually, SHE showed YOU her true colors. She's not mentally or emotionally mature enough to enter into a marriage. Wearing another man's jewelry as a 'wedding' piece is beyond disrespectful and it's kind of obvious she's still in love with her previous boyfriend."
"Break off the engagement and find a woman who wants to marry YOU." - celticmusebooks
"OP, just tell your parents how it is... What's next is she going to call your kids by the nickname she used for him... because it does not matter; it is just a name."
"As a woman and a Hindu, I am telling you, no one will wear a mangalsutra bought by their ex unless they are still in love with them."
"Tell your parents it's off. She is marrying you because she doesn't have any option but to marry you and please her parents." - Salty_allthetime
The subReddit was immediately suspicious about what was going on in the OP's life, specifically related to his future wife's motivations. It seemed that she was still very hung up on her ex. Some even theorized that it wasn't her ex's actions, but her own, that may have led to the relationship ending, which would further explain her looking back on the relationship with fondness.
Whatever the case, the bride clearly needed to come up with some kind of compromise with the OP to make him feel comfortable and accepted by her, or this might not be the relationship for them.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.