No two relationships are exactly the same, and couples are going to have their messy, complicated moments.
But sometimes, nasty secrets get revealed when a couple commits to a long-term relationship or marriage, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Due-Lie-1582 was looking forward to marrying his partner after they’d started dating upon agreeing to a future arranged marriage.
But when he heard one of the things the bride wanted to do on their wedding day, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure it was going to work out.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my fiancée that she cannot use the necklace which was given by her former boyfriend for our wedding?”
The OP was preparing for his arranged marriage.
“My (31 Male) fiancée Riya (31 Female) and I are supposed to get married in a month or so. It’s an arranged marriage.”
“After our parents introduced us, we decided to try dating, which we’ve been doing for a few years now.”
“After we’d discussed everything with our families, set the date after consulting the astrologer, and sent out invitations, the discussion about the jewelry was to be addressed (the necklace is the Hindu equivalent of the Christian wedding ring called a ‘mangalsutra’).”
The OP was surprised by his bride-to-be’s wishes for their wedding day.
“She had an engagement with someone else before (he was her boyfriend), but it had been called off at the end due to questions of dubious morality on the groom’s side.”
“She told me yesterday that she wants to use the same necklace that her ex-boyfriend had given her for our wedding.”
“I was shocked and told her that I was not going to agree to that. I said that we could find a necklace ourselves, but she said it was the one she liked.”
An ugly argument escalated from there.
“I got into an argument with her by saying that she cannot use a marital necklace that was given by her ex, but she said that it’s her choice and is none of my business or concern.”
“In the end, she said that I was ‘controlling’ her and that ‘it was just a necklace, and nothing more than a formality,’ and blamed me for being attached to it, etc.”
“She was not budging at all, however, and accused me of being a misogynist, that I am ‘showing my true colors,’ and stuff like that.”
“She basically just called me a lot of names, and I am wondering whether I did anything wrong.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were worried the bride-to-be was ready for some ‘dubious morality’ of her own.
“You are talking about the mangalsutra, right? If that is the case, let me enlighten the Western folks. A mangalsutra is something a groom ties on a bride’s neck when there are all the rituals going on. It means exactly what a ring means when you are putting it on your wife’s finger during the church/catholic wedding.”
“So this man is supposed to give that mangalsutra to the bride, which also means that indirectly the ex-boyfriend is the one making the lifetime promise, in this life and forever promise, NOT OP, which also means that since Hindu weddings are spiritual, in spirit she is marrying her ex-boyfriend and not her current fiance. He’s just there for appearances.”
“Dude, leave this girl. Tell her parents that since she wants to use the same mangalsutra her ex-boyfriend gave her, then it’s almost like she’s getting married to her ex-boyfriend. And you don’t want to be a shadow of that person.”
“OP, you’re NTA. But if you marry this person only for the sake of your parents and what society says, you’ll be doing the biggest disservice to yourself. Your life will not be a happily ever after.”
“When people show you who they are, believe them. Either you can get through this with her before the marriage, or you can get through this alone. You’ll be the a**hole to yourself if you live in her ex-boyfriend’s shadow all your life.”
“Also, I completely forgot to address the last paragraph: she is also manipulative, and knows what she is doing is not right. Hence she doubled down and painted you as the bad guy. Do you think you can live with this all your life?” – Glitter_dealer
“The OP said, ‘She basically just called me a lot of names, and I am wondering whether I did anything wrong.’ Yes, you are doing something wrong, you are marrying the wrong girl. SHE is the one showing her true colors.”
“He also pointed out, ‘It had been called off at the end due to questions of dubious morality on the groom’s side.’ …Are you sure the questions weren’t about HER dubious morality? Because her morality sure is dubious now.”
“NTA.” – DolwantToKnow6417
“NTA. Can you talk with her parents about what the deal with the ex was? Or asking your mum to talk with hers? It sounds like she isn’t over her ex.” – adamtheundead
“NTA. She’s manipulating you and gaslighting you into thinking you’re wrong and being controlling. You are not. You are 100% right. The necklace is meant to symbolize your marriage. The two of you.”
“Not her ex. Every time you look at her, you will think of her ex and how she is wearing his necklace and not yours.”
“She isn’t over her ex. Don’t marry her.” – Katiew84
“If my partner wanted to use a ring from a previous relationship ship, that’s a h**l no. If the reply (as was in this case) was that ‘they liked this one,’ I would say we can have a new one made like that one but new. We could even add any tweaks they might want to make it even more perfect to their liking.”
“If they insisted that it was stupid because they liked that one just fine, I would explain what it meant to me. I’d offer to have an identical one made.”
“If they think it’s a waste of money, we could trade the old one to the new jeweler for part of the price.”
“If they keep complaining after that, it’s not just a necklace/ring to them, it’s more.” – KCarriere
“Her attitude raises questions about what happened during the first relationship. Why is she so attached to something an ex gave her after they split up if he had dubious morality? What was his ‘dubious morality’ in the first place?”
“Her attitude about this whole thing is weird. If what he did was really that bad, why would she want to keep that necklace from such a bad time?”
“I would get it if the necklace was a family heirloom or a piece her parents got her, but this is from an ex.” – COLGKenny
“I’m from a very different culture (Western/atheist) and I’ve received lovely gold + diamond necklaces as gifts from the long-term boyfriends I dated before my current partner… I cherish the mementos stashed away in my jewelry box, but I still never wear them, it would feel so weird.”
“They were tokens of love that don’t exist anymore, and now that I’m thinking it over while reading this thread, it would also feel disrespectful to my boyfriend to wear sentimental gifts from previous relationships. I never even considered doing it! even though I love having a nice daily necklace to wear, and my boyfriend hasn’t gifted me any jewelry yet… lol (laughing out loud).”
“And with the extra important meaning that the mangalsutra specifically has?! Huge yikes. The thought never should have entered her mind if she was actually interested in this relationship. OP needs to be thankful that she showed her true colors and abandon this doomed-to-fail arrangement.” – little-bird
Others agreed and encouraged the OP to call off the wedding.
“NTA. It sounds like she isn’t over the ex. I would call off the wedding.”
“The fact she called you a bunch of names instead of understanding that any reasonable person would not want his bride to wear or even still have a necklace from a former fiancé is a huge red flag. Run.” – Lilac-Roses-Sunsets
“Call this marriage off. Her behavior is unacceptable. She’s attached to that jewelry and she’s disrespecting you and calling you her ex’s shadow.”
“OP is NTA. I’m Hindu, and in Hinduism, the necklace he’s talking about has a lot of significance and meaning. It’s like connecting the couple together for the rest of their lives and their rebirth in spiritual form and not just emotional).” – stwr_rigel
“NTA. I have to beg you not to marry this woman. I say this because she refuses to give up on an old boyfriend.”
“I would not wear any jewelry my boyfriend gave me in the past, especially on my wedding day. I know it is hard, but please really think about this marriage. Sounds like she still loves her ex a lot.” – Justtheretoread2085
“Actually, SHE showed YOU her true colors. She’s not mentally or emotionally mature enough to enter into a marriage. Wearing another man’s jewelry as a ‘wedding’ piece is beyond disrespectful and it’s kind of obvious she’s still in love with her previous boyfriend.”
“Break off the engagement and find a woman who wants to marry YOU.” – celticmusebooks
“OP, just tell your parents how it is… What’s next is she going to call your kids by the nickname she used for him… because it does not matter; it is just a name.”
“As a woman and a Hindu, I am telling you, no one will wear a mangalsutra bought by their ex unless they are still in love with them.”
“Tell your parents it’s off. She is marrying you because she doesn’t have any option but to marry you and please her parents.” – Salty_allthetime
The subReddit was immediately suspicious about what was going on in the OP’s life, specifically related to his future wife’s motivations. It seemed that she was still very hung up on her ex. Some even theorized that it wasn’t her ex’s actions, but her own, that may have led to the relationship ending, which would further explain her looking back on the relationship with fondness.
Whatever the case, the bride clearly needed to come up with some kind of compromise with the OP to make him feel comfortable and accepted by her, or this might not be the relationship for them.