Everyone person in a relationship has a past.
That truth doesn’t always sit well with every partner.
This issue can be especially problematic when one partner still holds connections to the past partners.
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for going to visit my ex in the hospital?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (25 F[emale]) have been with my Fiancé (31 M[ale]) for a little over 3 years.”
“One of the very first conversations we had about boundaries, expectations, etc when we first started dating was me telling him that I am still friends with a lot of my exes, and I don’t plan on ending those friendships.”
“At the time, he said he understood and it was a non-issue for many years.”
“Cut to 3 weeks ago, the guy I dated for all 4 years of high school got into a really horrendous car accident.”
“There’s not an imminent threat on his life, but the seatbelt practically sliced him open, and he’s been in the hospital for weeks getting surgeries and has been completely bed-ridden.”
“As soon as I found out, I told my fiancé that I wanted to go home to visit him in the hospital.”
“He flat out said no, and when I tried to have a conversation about it he kept talking over me saying ‘there’s nothing to talk about I’m saying no.’”
“I got really pissed off and told him you’re not my parent, you’re my partner.”
“You don’t get to just say no, and there’s nothing else to talk about.”
“He actually got up and left the house and was gone all day and didn’t respond to my calls or texts.”
“So I drove to my friend’s house and spent the night at her place.”
“He didn’t come home until 4 am that night, which I only know because he woke me up when he called me on the phone completely s**t-faced to ask where I was.”
“I was beyond pissed.”
“The next morning, I came home, packed a bag, got in the car, and left without ever saying a word to him—he was completely knocked out the whole time.”
“I sent him a text saying I was going home and I’d talk to him when I got back, then I drove 4 hours to my hometown and spent the rest of the weekend there.”
“I went to visit my friend in the hospital and he was very grateful that I made the trip and said it meant a lot to him.”
“I was there for maybe an hour at most and spent the rest of the time with my parents.”
“When I came home on Monday, my fiancé and I had another huge fight about it, and he told me that I had basically cheated on him by going to the hospital to see another man.”
“Things have been super tense ever since.”
“I don’t regret visiting my friend in the hospital, but I do think I went about it in the wrong way.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. You should’ve ended this relationship the second he told you what he does or doesn’t ‘allow’ you to do.”
“YWBTA if you engage with this person beyond packing up your stuff and making a fast exit.”
“Zero further discussion.”
“He deserves no more of your time, energy, or consideration.”
“Gather all your other exes to help you pack and move.”
“Run and consider yourself lucky you aren’t married already.”
“🚩🚩🚩🚩 What kind of crazy insecure fiancé would have a problem with you visiting absolutely anyone in a hospital? 🤯.” ~ Antelope_31
“So instead of communicating like an adult, he orders you around, throws a tantrum which he deals with by getting pissed as f**k, then demanding to know where you are at 4 am?”
“After all of that – he then says you cheated because you saw your injured ex in a hospital and spent time with your parents.”
“For the absolute life of me, I cannot understand why you’re going to marry someone heavily insecure, with minimal emotional intelligence, orders you around and throws tantrums.”
“I mean, you do you, but NTA.” ~ -Nymphetamine-
“NTA – not even close, not even a question.”
“Visiting ANYONE from your life in a hospital just shows compassion and a caring nature.”
“NO WAY, a sane and confident man considers a visit to the hospital ‘cheating’ – that’s just plain moronic.”
“In my opinion, big ol’ warning signs here – BUT… the signs arrived early enough to avoid an EVEN WORSE lifetime commitment misstep!!”
“Abort, Abort, Abort!!” ~ Infamous-Dream5675
“NTA – You didn’t go about it in the wrong way and you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But you did find out that when your boyfriend doesn’t like something, he feels he has the right to order you around, and when that doesn’t work, his coping method is getting plastered.”
“And then he doubled down by claiming that you visiting your ex in the hospital is somehow cheating on him??”
“This dude is too insecure to be in an adult relationship.” ~ KrofftSurvivor
“Yeah, this is really troubling.”
“It also shows that he is perfectly willing to lie about respecting your boundaries.”
“You were open from the beginning that you were friends with exes and planned to remain so, and he had every chance to say then that it didn’t work for him.”
“He doesn’t get to just unilaterally say no to you actually doing that, with no discussion.” ~ Both-Condition2553
“Right, I wouldn’t even accept that level of dictatorship from my parents, but I’m a grown adult.”
“He doesn’t have a right to tell her what to do.”
“Boundaries are about personal choices, not controlling the other person.”
“He can say if you see your ex, I will leave, which is still sh*tty in my opinion.”
“But to tell her flat-out no is very disturbing.”
“The lack of empathy for a human who almost died shows a level of insecurity that would be a huge turn-off for me.”
“He doesn’t seem to have the emotional intelligence to handle this situation well.”
“Maybe he’d understand if the shoe was on the other foot, but it doesn’t seem like he has the capacity to come around.” ~ KushGod28
“NTA – Your BF is somehow acting like an over-controlling parent and a childish teenager at the same time.” ~ puntacana24
“NTA. But you learned a few things.”
“Your current fiance is controlling.”
“Your current fiancé deals with stress by getting drunk and avoiding the issue.”
“Those things won’t change.” ~ vbandbeer
“NTA, and now you know what your fiancé is like when he’s jealous.”
“And now you know what your fiancé is like when you show independence or have the gall to tell him no. I’d take a long, hard look at your relationship, to be honest.”
“This is an absolutely wild turn for him to take just because you went to visit a friend.”
“You’re NTA 100%, and don’t let him convince you otherwise. Eesh.” ~ lifejustpassesby
“NTA but your fiancé clearly has a very jealous and controlling side to him.”
“If that’s something you see often, I would recommend ending your engagement.”
‘If that’s new I would do some deep thinking about if you want to deal with it forever and if you think he’ll fix the problem because HIM saying I said no end of discussion is crazy.” ~ Relevant-Reply3083
“I’d like to add that While not always true, there is a psychological phenomenon called ‘projection’ where people who cheat themselves are more likely to suspect and accuse their partners of cheating.”
“Also, as others have amply explained, he’s a Red Flag.”
“You are NTA.” ~ Forsaken_Loan6335
“NTA. Do not marry this man.”
“I repeat, DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!!!”
“His controlling will only get worse once it’s harder to disentangle yourself.”
“If he had concerns, he should have asked to talk them out before you left.”
“Instead, he tried to dictate your actions.”
“When you didn’t bend, he got raging drunk; he threw a tantrum.”
“He’s accusing you of cheating because you visited a friend in the hospital.”
“This is a pile of red flags.”
“Please don’t ignore them.” ~ GoldInTheSummertime
“He’s 31?”
“He’s acting like a 16-year-old.”
“I would take this entire thing as a gigantic red flag and exit the relationship.”
“Being unhappy about it is one thing; trying to order you not to go, and equating it to cheating, is bonkers.”
“Search your heart, honestly: is this the first troubling behavior he’s shown in the relationship?”
“I am guessing not.” ~ mspolytheist
“NTA. His behavior is childish and controlling on its own, it’s inexcusable that he thinks he just gets to tell you what you can and can’t do and where you can and can’t go.”
“It’s like he thinks you’re his property, not his partner.”
“The fight when you got back, that he thinks visiting someone in the hospital is the same thing as f**king them, is truly unhinged.”
“It’s a tough question, but now is the time to ask yourself if this is what you want the rest of your life to be like, not after the wedding.”
“This isn’t the kind of thing that gets better after the guy has you locked into a marriage.” ~ CapoExplains
“NTA for either visiting your ex or the way you went about it.”
“The idea that your current boyfriend would even object to you visiting after such a serious accident is mind-boggling, and that’s not even taking into account that he called it ‘cheating,’ which is ridiculous.” ~ SavingsRhubarb8746
“NTA. I have a damn high tolerance for bulls**t, and can be willing to work through a lot of issues together with a partner.”
“Something like this?”
“Would have me out the door, likely permanently.” ~ MistressLyda
“NTA. The way he responded was extremely immature and inappropriate.”
“It’s understandable he felt insecure, but he refused to verbalize it.”
“He could have let you know he needed space to process this.”
“I wonder if he has been cheating to have such a strong reaction.” ~ unjustified_earwax
“NTA. Went to visit your high school ex-boyfriend.”
“Your fiancé seems to be insecure.”
“He doesn’t have the right to treat you like a child.”
“During your 3 years together, has he ever expressed his negative feelings towards you having a friendship with any of your exes?” ~ MaeSilver909
“NTA, but except your relationship is over.”
“I thought your ex-boyfriend lived close until I read it is a 4-hour drive, and you were together 4 years.”
“So how good friends can you really be that far apart, your current BF sees it as if you never got over the ex.”
“Lastly let’s just change the gender to male visiting his ex-high school girlfriend of 4 years and see if everyone is ok with it.”
“You both do not belong together; he is a liar and has a temper, and you love your ex and are clueless.” ~ illbebacknow
“Only cheaters are this convinced their partner is cheating. NTA.”
“Please take it as a blessing that you found out before the wedding that he will talk to you like a child, ignore you, berate you, and cope by drinking when he doesn’t like the way you’re exercising your autonomy.”
“Best of luck to you.” ~ PomegranateOk6767
“Do not let him manipulate you into thinking you did anything wrong here.”
“Do not pass go with this guy.”
“You will not have a happy life.”
“Adults don’t act like this. NTA.” ~ mistymountaintimes
“NTA! I think that unless you have the experience of a H[igh] S[chool] friend group overlapping with an ex, you don’t get it.”
“He’s your friend before he’s an ex, and if you didn’t grow up that way, you don’t get it.”
“I grew up in a smallish town and a huge number of us from HS are still great friends and would go to the mat for each other.”
“Some of us dated and some for a long time, but that’s in the long past, but we’d still move heaven and earth to be there for each other.”
“Your BF may be giving off controlling vibes that need examining.” ~ Top_Diamond5312
“NTA. but this is a guy who’ll change when the ring is on your finger.”
“He doesn’t want an equal; he wants obedience.”
“Think carefully.” ~ opheliasdinosaur
“NTA but please don’t marry this man.” ~ Jealous-Contract7426
OP came back with more information and an update…
“Okay, I’d like to address a few things and provide a small update.”
“No, my ex and I do not keep in regular contact.”
“That does not mean we are acquaintances.”
“We are friends.”
“I do not keep in regular contact with most of my closest friends from H[igh] S[chool], because we are all busy, but I would certainly drop everything to go see them if they were in a car accident and they would do the same for me.”
“I need to be abundantly clear that I am not romantically interested in my ex.”
“We dated from the ages of 14-18.”
“We are both entirely different people now.”
“That ship has LONG sailed.”
“That does not negate the fact that he was one of the people I was closest with for all of high school.”
“My ex and I were part of the same friend group in high school.”
“I found out about his car accident at the exact same time as everyone else in the friend group.”
“Almost everyone else in that group made plans to come visit him.”
“I am actually the closest person in distance besides those who still live in our hometown.”
“People keep talking about ‘past sexual partners,’ and I’d like to clear that up.”
“My fiancé and I are both waiting until marriage.”
“I have not had sexual experiences with any of my exes, including the ones I maintain friendships with.”
“The ex I visited in the hospital did not take my virginity.”
“My husband will.”
“My fiancé and I have never cheated on each other or had any issues related to infidelity or betrayal of trust.”
“In fact, we have generally had a very strong relationship until this.”
“This whole situation seemed completely out of left field to me.”
“I drive 8 hours round trip to visit my hometown once a month at minimum.”
“My parents are older, and I like to drop in on them often.”
“That is not unusual for me.”
“I drive 15 hours one way four times a year to visit my siblings.”
“I work from home and like long drives.”
“Update: My fiancé has talked about the situation since I posted this and agreed that we both acted very poorly.”
“Rather than talking things out, we both escalated off of each other until things reached this point.”
“We are taking some time apart to evaluate.”
“Ironically, I will be going back to my hometown again to stay with my parents.”
“I appreciate the comments and perspectives.”
This is a tough situation, OP.
Reddit is in your corner.
Taking time apart to evaluate everything sounds like a brilliant idea.
Hopefully, you’ll both gain some perspective.
Sending thoughts and prayers to your friend for a full and speedy recovery.
Good luck.