Racial inequality is an issue, whether people want to admit it or not.
But should marginalized people participate in an oppression Olympics where they compete to see who has it worse?
A 21-year-old woman of Indian descent doesn't think so, but her roommate—also 21—seems to disagree. Fed up, she turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for help.
Redditor ThrowRA_tiredaf posted:
"HELP: My Black roommate keeps on comparing the racism she faces to the racism I (an Indian) face.""It's become a competition and I'm starting to hate her."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Let me preface this by saying that this post isn't an attack towards black people in general. This is just my experience with one person who happens to be a certain race."
"I'm not trying to generalise or anything. This is more about the roommate as a person than about her race."
"So, my roommate is Black American woman and I'm a first generation immigrant from India; North India to be precise. I moved to the US for college about 3 years back."
"I like my roommate and we get along pretty well, but whenever I mention about some racism related incident towards me, she's always like 'oh, that's nothing. You don't know what I have to go through as a black woman'."
"Every. Single. Time."
"I completely sympathise with her and I know that our experiences aren't the same, but saying that the racism I face is nothing feels very wrong and frankly, angering. I told her this and since then, it's become some kind of competition for her and she's hell bent on proving that she has it far worse than I do."
"She even went as far as to say that since I'm pretty light skinned, I could always larp as someone from Persia or the Middle East if I don't want to be associated with stereotypes about India."
"When I told her that this logic was stupid, because a. I don't want to dissociate myself from my home country and b. people from the Middle East and Iran also face racism because they're brown too and add to that Islamophobia as well, her response was 'well, not as bad as black people do'."
"And I agree with all of what she says, I don't really have it as bad as other people, but I have my issues and it feels like she's always invalidating them."
"We used to be good friends and had fun hanging out together, but I now don't even want to be in the same room as her. I've tried explaining it to her but she just doesn't get it."
"I've been avoiding her since the past month or so and she's picked up on it and is very upset because she considered me a friend. I don't see how this friendship can continue any longer if she doesn't understand what my issue is and I'm no longer willing to tolerate her behaviour regarding this."
"It seems like a dead end but I also don't want this friendship to end. Also that she's my roommate and I'm kinda stuck with her for the time being, so I'd like things to not be awkward."
The OP added:
"She said 'that's not a real issue' when I told her about someone constantly making fun of my Indian accent and asking me to do the 'Apu voice'."
"I've stopped talking to her about racist remarks I receive but given what's going on in America, and given that we're stuck together 24/7 due to coronavirus, the racism issue is hard to avoid and then she starts with the 'you're lucky you don't have it as bad as me' thing."
"I don't want it all to be about me. But someone making it all about themselves isn't right either. I don't like someone telling me that my problems aren't real or are nothing just because they might not be as severe."
The OP asked Reddit:
"Any advice?"
Redditors offered the best advice they could come up with.
"I'm going to take the topic of 'why' out of this situation because I think it really isn't the focus. You have someone you thought you had a friendship with who has become argumentative, unsupportive and unwilling to listen to your hardships."
"Rather than help create a mutually beneficial support network, she's become hostile and negative. You are capable of trying to understand her experiences, and have."
"She has not done the same for you. This is why you should move on from this friendship."
"Not because of a race issue, because you have a friend who isn't acting in a way a friend should. You don't have to have experienced someone's hardship to have empathy for them."
"Some people may advise you just not talk about the issue. I'm going to tell you that won't fix the problem of having 'friends' who aren't willing to practice empathy."
"Friends with topics you have to tip toe around or not engage aren't really high quality friends." ~ xtlou
"A quote comes to mind. 'Others that are struggling are not your enemy, it's not a competition. It's embarrassing to have to explain this'."
"Some people just want to feel centralized and most important. In America, we tend to adapt a very self-centered mindset."
"You and her are on the same side fighting the same racist ideals, if she makes it into a competition then she has skewed morals. I just wouldn't talk to her about it anymore." ~ get-bread-not-head
"It depends on how invested you are in the friendship. If you care about this friendship, I think your best strategy is to ask her what she expects you to do."
"Tell her, 'I believe that the racism you experience is different and worse than mine. But my experience is still real and difficult, and I need to be able to talk about it to someone without feeling judged'."
"'Because we live together and we're friends, I want to be able to talk to you, but every time I bring it up, you shut me down by saying you have it worse. I agree! I know you have it worse'."
"'I'm not arguing with you or trying to say my experience is worse, I just want to be able to vent about my day to my friend who I live with. But what we're doing now clearly isn't working for either of us'."
"'You get frustrated with me for bringing it up, and I feel invalidated. And this dynamic is starting to affect our friendship'."
"So if this is something that you can't hear from me, just let me know and I'll find someone else to talk to about it instead. But if you do want to be able to talk about this stuff, then let's do it differently'."
"But, if you expect she'd react badly to this kind of heart-to-heart & you just want to keep things cordial & friendly because you are living together, I'd say just avoid the subject of race altogether and accept that you can't be emotionally intimate with her." ~ therealthisishannah
"She has it worse than you. OK. Why not point out there are people who have it worse than her, too?"
"Now does she want to never be able to speak again about her experiences because someone else has it worse? Because that's exactly what she's doing to you."
"So either there's one person on the planet who has it worse than everyone who gets to vent about their experiences or she can grow TF up and stop invalidating people so she can feel more important."
"Tell her to get off the cross, someone needs the wood." ~ LakotaGrl
Discrimination is not a contest. There is no Oppression Olympics.
And even if there was, who would want to win?
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.