Racial inequality is an issue, whether people want to admit it or not.
But should marginalized people participate in an oppression Olympics where they compete to see who has it worse?
A 21-year-old woman of Indian descent doesn't think so, but her roommate—also 21—seems to disagree. Fed up, she turned to the Relationship Advice subReddit for help.
Redditor ThrowRA_tiredaf posted:
"HELP: My Black roommate keeps on comparing the racism she faces to the racism I (an Indian) face.""It's become a competition and I'm starting to hate her."
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Let me preface this by saying that this post isn't an attack towards black people in general. This is just my experience with one person who happens to be a certain race."
"I'm not trying to generalise or anything. This is more about the roommate as a person than about her race."
"So, my roommate is Black American woman and I'm a first generation immigrant from India; North India to be precise. I moved to the US for college about 3 years back."
"I like my roommate and we get along pretty well, but whenever I mention about some racism related incident towards me, she's always like 'oh, that's nothing. You don't know what I have to go through as a black woman'."
"Every. Single. Time."
"I completely sympathise with her and I know that our experiences aren't the same, but saying that the racism I face is nothing feels very wrong and frankly, angering. I told her this and since then, it's become some kind of competition for her and she's hell bent on proving that she has it far worse than I do."
"She even went as far as to say that since I'm pretty light skinned, I could always larp as someone from Persia or the Middle East if I don't want to be associated with stereotypes about India."
"When I told her that this logic was stupid, because a. I don't want to dissociate myself from my home country and b. people from the Middle East and Iran also face racism because they're brown too and add to that Islamophobia as well, her response was 'well, not as bad as black people do'."
"And I agree with all of what she says, I don't really have it as bad as other people, but I have my issues and it feels like she's always invalidating them."
"We used to be good friends and had fun hanging out together, but I now don't even want to be in the same room as her. I've tried explaining it to her but she just doesn't get it."
"I've been avoiding her since the past month or so and she's picked up on it and is very upset because she considered me a friend. I don't see how this friendship can continue any longer if she doesn't understand what my issue is and I'm no longer willing to tolerate her behaviour regarding this."
"It seems like a dead end but I also don't want this friendship to end. Also that she's my roommate and I'm kinda stuck with her for the time being, so I'd like things to not be awkward."
The OP added:
"She said 'that's not a real issue' when I told her about someone constantly making fun of my Indian accent and asking me to do the 'Apu voice'."
"I've stopped talking to her about racist remarks I receive but given what's going on in America, and given that we're stuck together 24/7 due to coronavirus, the racism issue is hard to avoid and then she starts with the 'you're lucky you don't have it as bad as me' thing."
"I don't want it all to be about me. But someone making it all about themselves isn't right either. I don't like someone telling me that my problems aren't real or are nothing just because they might not be as severe."
The OP asked Reddit:
"Any advice?"
Redditors offered the best advice they could come up with.
"I'm going to take the topic of 'why' out of this situation because I think it really isn't the focus. You have someone you thought you had a friendship with who has become argumentative, unsupportive and unwilling to listen to your hardships."
"Rather than help create a mutually beneficial support network, she's become hostile and negative. You are capable of trying to understand her experiences, and have."
"She has not done the same for you. This is why you should move on from this friendship."
"Not because of a race issue, because you have a friend who isn't acting in a way a friend should. You don't have to have experienced someone's hardship to have empathy for them."
"Some people may advise you just not talk about the issue. I'm going to tell you that won't fix the problem of having 'friends' who aren't willing to practice empathy."
"Friends with topics you have to tip toe around or not engage aren't really high quality friends." ~ xtlou
"A quote comes to mind. 'Others that are struggling are not your enemy, it's not a competition. It's embarrassing to have to explain this'."
"Some people just want to feel centralized and most important. In America, we tend to adapt a very self-centered mindset."
"You and her are on the same side fighting the same racist ideals, if she makes it into a competition then she has skewed morals. I just wouldn't talk to her about it anymore." ~ get-bread-not-head
"It depends on how invested you are in the friendship. If you care about this friendship, I think your best strategy is to ask her what she expects you to do."
"Tell her, 'I believe that the racism you experience is different and worse than mine. But my experience is still real and difficult, and I need to be able to talk about it to someone without feeling judged'."
"'Because we live together and we're friends, I want to be able to talk to you, but every time I bring it up, you shut me down by saying you have it worse. I agree! I know you have it worse'."
"'I'm not arguing with you or trying to say my experience is worse, I just want to be able to vent about my day to my friend who I live with. But what we're doing now clearly isn't working for either of us'."
"'You get frustrated with me for bringing it up, and I feel invalidated. And this dynamic is starting to affect our friendship'."
"So if this is something that you can't hear from me, just let me know and I'll find someone else to talk to about it instead. But if you do want to be able to talk about this stuff, then let's do it differently'."
"But, if you expect she'd react badly to this kind of heart-to-heart & you just want to keep things cordial & friendly because you are living together, I'd say just avoid the subject of race altogether and accept that you can't be emotionally intimate with her." ~ therealthisishannah
"She has it worse than you. OK. Why not point out there are people who have it worse than her, too?"
"Now does she want to never be able to speak again about her experiences because someone else has it worse? Because that's exactly what she's doing to you."
"So either there's one person on the planet who has it worse than everyone who gets to vent about their experiences or she can grow TF up and stop invalidating people so she can feel more important."
"Tell her to get off the cross, someone needs the wood." ~ LakotaGrl
Discrimination is not a contest. There is no Oppression Olympics.
And even if there was, who would want to win?
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.