As a new parent some of the most valuable advice and support you can receive comes from other, more experienced parents. This can turn sour though when helpful advice turns intrusive.
When this Redditor found out she was expecting however, her mother-in-law (MIL) quickly went from excited to overbearing. Not sure how to proceed this new mom turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for advice on this messy situation.
Redditor margeart asked:
“AITA for telling my MIL it’s weird that she thinks she gets “a say” on things relating to my daughter?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My MIL is mostly a person who is easy to get along with, but for some reason, the lady has snapped after we announced that I’m pregnant. We let her get out all of her excitement, but didn’t really encourage it.”
“She keeps doing this weird thing where she refers to the baby as ‘her’ baby.”
“If I can be honest… I’m sure it’ll change as time goes on, but I find the whole thing rather boring. Congrats, someone who I just so happened to be married to shot a load in me without a condom, and now I’m knocked up.”
“It’s really not that exciting or interesting, and I cannot relate to women who never shut up about it. It’s like the only thing anyone wants to talk to me about.”
“ANYWAY.”
“MIL was over a few weeks ago and started talking names. She told me to give her a list and she’d go through and let us know which ones she liked or didn’t like.”
“I asked her why that was necessary, and she said ‘Oh, you know! Just making sure we’re on the same page’. I asked for clarification to that, why we’d need to be on the same page, and she started getting a bit cagey about it.”
“‘Oh you know. Just one of those things. Gotta make sure everyone’s on board with the name’.”
“At that point, I cleared my throat and said, very kindly but firmly, ‘There’s no reason for anyone else to be “on board” with the names we’ve chosen’.“
“She got a bit upset at that and said: ‘Well it’s my grandchild! My baby!'”
“I said ‘No, she’s not your baby. Grandchild, yes. But… you don’t think you get “a say” in anything involving her, do you? Like… you don’t think you get any say in her name, how she’s raised, what schools she goes to, how she dresses, any of it, right? You know you’re not the parent here, right?'”
“Well, she blew up. Calling me ungrateful (For what? B*tch you aren’t doing anything!), snobby, snooty, the whole shebang.”
“I just got up and said I was bored with this conversation and went to the backyard to go read in the sun while she melted down to my husband about how I’m stealing all the joy from her and that don’t I get that grandma is the most important role she’ll ever play?”
“My husband told her to knock off the theatrics and go home…and now she’s going all over social media playing up what a victim she is because, I guess now we’re ‘keeping her baby away’ (Which… isn’t true? The little f’ker still hasn’t been born yet?).”
“I’ve had so much pushback from family telling us we need to just get over it and learn to accept that Grandma’s going to be around and that yeah, maybe she should get a say in some things, after all, it’s her grandchild.”
“I’m at a loss here. Maybe this is some weird cultural thing (We’re in the Southwest US, everyone is some bland mix of White, no religious stuff other than the usual fake Catholic (C&E) stuff.”
Redditors were asked to weigh in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors deemed the OP not the a**hole in this situation.
“This made me so happy haha. Yes, you’re right, this is not her baby and she has literally no say in anything to do with the baby.”
“It’s best to put your foot down now because this kind of thing will only get worse once the baby is born, and every phase thereafter. My parents are totally like this and it’s so annoying…”
“They have like 20 grandkids and seriously every single sibling with kids gets a different variety of passive aggressive, controlling BS to deal with. They’re first criticize the name, then which hospital they’re born at, then how they’re dressed, then where they go to school, etc…”
“I say, good for you for putting your foot down!”~LizzyrdCE
“NTA I nannied for a family once where if grandma didn’t approve a name, you didn’t pick it. They meant business too.”
“One person almost got wrote out of the will. Super weird. But no, grandma should not get to pick the name. Yikes.“~CoffeeHobgoblin
“F the family’s position. It’s your kid. Good for you & husband for standing up for yourselves.”
“PS…when it’s time to deliver, maybe let hospital security know she isn’t allowed in the delivery room or near your baby. To quote noted philosopher Han Solo, I’ve got a bad feeling about this…Edit: NTA”~JohnChapter11Verse35
“Entitled parents use the ungrateful insult a lot, thinking you should be grateful for any ‘help’ or ‘advice’ they bestow upon you.”
“NTA. Stand your ground Im so proud of you! That’s just insane thinking she’d have a say in the name and threw a fit when she didn’t get her way? What was she expecting she already had kids it’s your turn.”
“NTA. I don’t know that I would assume she’ll get over it, though. At least your husband recognizes this is ridiculous, but I think you’re going to have to talk to him about holding firm if she continues to try and weaponize the rest of the family against you.”~mm172
Whatever the situation, clear, well-established boundaries are important when dealing with family, friends or any other relationships outside the parents and their child.