Some relationships between wives and their mothers-in-law are healthy, respectful, and loving.
Then there’s the other kind.
A wife fed up with her mother-in-law’s constant criticism turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Zara_Hickman460 asked:
“AITAH for having a blowout fight with my mother-in-law (MIL) when she grumbled about everything I cooked for dinner?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (28, female) recently had a dinner with my family that was a disaster, and now I’m wondering if I overreacted.”
“Some context: My MIL (60s, female) has a long-standing history of being hard to please, especially with anything I cook. Cooking is my forte, and I’ve always tried to impress or, at least, please her, but no matter what, it’s not good enough.”
“If I cook pasta, it’s ‘too salty’. If I bake, it’s ‘too dry’. I could literally feed her something cooked by Gordon Ramsay and she’d say it’s ‘a bit off’.”
“Last weekend, I took a few hours to cook a whole homemade dinner: roast chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, honey-glazed carrots, and lemon tart for dessert. As soon as she walked into the kitchen, she commented on how it ‘smelled a bit strong’.”
“And then to criticize everything during dinner: ‘Did you not put seasonings into the potatoes?’, ‘This chicken’s a bit too overcooked, don’t you think?’, ‘Lemon tart? That’s an odd selection…’.”
“I clenched my teeth throughout dinner, but once dessert was over and she joked that maybe I should limit my menu to ordering takeout, I snapped. I told her, not cooly, that if she did not like eating at home that much, next time she could eat out elsewhere—or better, cook for herself.”
“It immediately felt awkward. She looked shocked, my husband (30, male) tried to defuse, but was clearly uncomfortable, and now I’m being told I’m rude and overreacting. I feel like I finally stood up for myself, but now I’m second-guessing.”
“So, AITAH for freaking out after years of backhanded compliments?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the one in the wrong (NTA).
“NTA. Since your husband didn’t have your back and stop his mother from behaving like a petulant child, he has now been informed that you will no longer cook any meal for his family, especially his mother.”
“Tell him you are done putting up with her toxic bullsh*t and his inability to have a spine.” ~ ACM915
“NTA! She is rude B___! I would never dream of criticizing anyone’s cooking who was kind enough to take the time to cook for me.”
“My husband helped a friend move a while back, and to thank him, he and his wife invited us to dinner. We are not picky eaters, but there’s one thing we both immensely dislike, which is seafood.”
“Well, the woman put together the most beautiful-looking seafood dinner with mussels, lobster, and god knows what. It really did look lovely, and you could tell she put a ton of effort into it.”
“When she put it on the table, my husband and I looked at each other, put our bright faces on, said, ‘Wow, that looks amazing!’ and we ate it, giving her tons of compliments. That’s what you do when someone cooks for you.”
“Your MIL needs a lesson in manners and you don’t need to invite her for dinner anymore. Your husband should also be standing up for you. You need to have a discussion with him about that.” ~ hermitzen
“Tell her, ‘In cultured societies, when one is invited into someone else’s home to share a home-cooked meal that took several hours of effort and planning, guests usually say “Thank you!” If the food is not to your liking, MIL—don’t eat it’.”
“‘While you’re not eating it, you may use that time to reflect on the effort that was made to show you hospitality and be thankful for that effort. It may well be that in failing to be a gracious guest in acknowledging the efforts of your hostess, you won’t have to deal with this situation ever again because it’s likely you won’t be invited back’.”
“The whispered ‘B*TCH!’ in hushed undertones through gritted teeth is implied.”
“Also? The husband is next. No one is allowed to disrespect your wife in her home after she makes that kind of effort. No one. His mom can say ‘Thank you’ or nothing. Pick one.” ~ WeirdcoolWilson
“I wouldn’t ever cook a meal or anything that she would eat. Ever!”
“But, if you are ever in that position again, get a marker board and every time she makes a negative comment about your cooking or anything, dramatically add a hash mark on the board to show her just how often she makes negative comments.”
“Say nothing. Just get up and make a hash mark.”
“When I was teaching, it was very effective to show children just how often they would do annoying things. I’d have an initial conversation and then hash mark away. No words needed!” ~ Whole-Ad-2347
“NTA x 100000. If this cow doesn’t like your cooking, then she needs to stop coming to your house.”
“You need to start grey rocking the crap out of her. ‘Did you not put seasonings into the potatoes?’ – Yep. ‘This chicken’s a bit too overcooked, don’t you think?’ – Nope. ‘Lemon tart? That’s an odd selection…’ – No, it’s fine.”
“You are still answering her questions but are giving her nothing. She wants a reaction; she wants to disarm you and put you off. Don’t give her the satisfaction! Look away or walk away after every answer so you have the last wood.”
“Also, if you have her over again, just buy her some takeaway, serve it to her in the bag, and tell her, ‘I figured after all the complaining you do about my food that you would prefer this.’
“Then walk away and refuse to engage any further.” ~ AussieGirl27
“NTA. When we were kids, we were taught that if someone takes the time, trouble, and expense to fix a meal for you, you say thank you when you put your feet under their table.”
“My mother left us kids when we were 4, 6, and 8. In 2000, my brother found her and she would come visit with her husband.”
“Hubby was a meat and potatoes guy and did not deviate from that. I tried to fix good meals, but there was sooooo much that grown a** man would not eat.”
“After about the third of fourth visit, I cooked a meal and when I put it on the table I also put a pack of bologna, a loaf of bread and some mayo and mustard on his plate. When I called everyone to the table he saw his plate and looked puzzled.”
“I told him that since he didn’t seem to be able to enjoy anything I cooked, I had put sandwich fixings out for him. He moved the bread and stuff away and ate what was on the table without another word.” ~ BoomerKaren666
“How long has she been torturing you? Absolutely awesome job and don’t feel guilty she’s a petty vitch. NTA.”
“If your husband has a problem, let him cook for her and himself. Tell the other busybodies to cook for her.”
“I would boycott cooking for her and cook for only you and maybe your husband if he backs you up.”
“You can serve her baby food like they give to people in the nursing home. I’d put an opened-up brochure from a nursing home under her plate next time with a date written in red pen next to her name.” ~ mynameisnotsparta
“Weird how your husband was fully capable of telling you not to be rude and yet seems to have been struck dumb when his mother was the rude one.”
“He should be the one telling her to knock it off, but clearly, her feelings are more important to him than yours.”
“You have a husband problem. The MIL is just a symptom of your having married a spineless mama’s boy.”
“This will never ever change unless you force it to change, and if he’s as spineless as he seems, he’s just going to promise to change and then throw you under the bus again and again until you can no longer stand it.” ~ buttercupcake23
“NTA. And for real. Stop cooking for her. Ever. If they really want to come over, tell them that clearly she doesn’t enjoy your cooking, so hubs can cook, or she can order out (and pay).”
“And if she says you’re overreacting or being petty, tell her you just prefer to save your time and effort cooking for people who appreciate it. If you really want to twist the knife, feel free to invite over FIL or other family members and cook for them, just not her.”
“Consider letting her back only after she genuinely apologizes and promises to keep her criticism to herself. And stop again right away if she goes back to comments.” ~ MidnightPositive485
Many Redditors pointed out the OP has a husband problem, not just a mother-in-law problem.
The easiest solution for dealing with people who don’t appreciate your efforts is to stop doing things for them.