Some relationships between wives and their mothers-in-law are healthy, respectful, and loving.
Then there's the other kind.
A wife fed up with her mother-in-law's constant criticism turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Zara_Hickman460 asked:
"AITAH for having a blowout fight with my mother-in-law (MIL) when she grumbled about everything I cooked for dinner?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (28, female) recently had a dinner with my family that was a disaster, and now I'm wondering if I overreacted."
"Some context: My MIL (60s, female) has a long-standing history of being hard to please, especially with anything I cook. Cooking is my forte, and I've always tried to impress or, at least, please her, but no matter what, it's not good enough."
"If I cook pasta, it's 'too salty'. If I bake, it's 'too dry'. I could literally feed her something cooked by Gordon Ramsay and she'd say it's 'a bit off'."
"Last weekend, I took a few hours to cook a whole homemade dinner: roast chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, honey-glazed carrots, and lemon tart for dessert. As soon as she walked into the kitchen, she commented on how it 'smelled a bit strong'."
"And then to criticize everything during dinner: 'Did you not put seasonings into the potatoes?', 'This chicken's a bit too overcooked, don't you think?', 'Lemon tart? That's an odd selection…'."
"I clenched my teeth throughout dinner, but once dessert was over and she joked that maybe I should limit my menu to ordering takeout, I snapped. I told her, not cooly, that if she did not like eating at home that much, next time she could eat out elsewhere—or better, cook for herself."
"It immediately felt awkward. She looked shocked, my husband (30, male) tried to defuse, but was clearly uncomfortable, and now I'm being told I'm rude and overreacting. I feel like I finally stood up for myself, but now I'm second-guessing."
"So, AITAH for freaking out after years of backhanded compliments?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the one in the wrong (NTA).
"NTA. Since your husband didn't have your back and stop his mother from behaving like a petulant child, he has now been informed that you will no longer cook any meal for his family, especially his mother."
"Tell him you are done putting up with her toxic bullsh*t and his inability to have a spine." ~ ACM915
"NTA! She is rude B___! I would never dream of criticizing anyone's cooking who was kind enough to take the time to cook for me."
"My husband helped a friend move a while back, and to thank him, he and his wife invited us to dinner. We are not picky eaters, but there's one thing we both immensely dislike, which is seafood."
"Well, the woman put together the most beautiful-looking seafood dinner with mussels, lobster, and god knows what. It really did look lovely, and you could tell she put a ton of effort into it."
"When she put it on the table, my husband and I looked at each other, put our bright faces on, said, 'Wow, that looks amazing!' and we ate it, giving her tons of compliments. That's what you do when someone cooks for you."
"Your MIL needs a lesson in manners and you don't need to invite her for dinner anymore. Your husband should also be standing up for you. You need to have a discussion with him about that." ~ hermitzen
"Tell her, 'In cultured societies, when one is invited into someone else's home to share a home-cooked meal that took several hours of effort and planning, guests usually say "Thank you!" If the food is not to your liking, MIL—don't eat it'."
"'While you're not eating it, you may use that time to reflect on the effort that was made to show you hospitality and be thankful for that effort. It may well be that in failing to be a gracious guest in acknowledging the efforts of your hostess, you won't have to deal with this situation ever again because it's likely you won't be invited back'."
"The whispered 'B*TCH!' in hushed undertones through gritted teeth is implied."
"Also? The husband is next. No one is allowed to disrespect your wife in her home after she makes that kind of effort. No one. His mom can say 'Thank you' or nothing. Pick one." ~ WeirdcoolWilson
"I wouldn't ever cook a meal or anything that she would eat. Ever!"
"But, if you are ever in that position again, get a marker board and every time she makes a negative comment about your cooking or anything, dramatically add a hash mark on the board to show her just how often she makes negative comments."
"Say nothing. Just get up and make a hash mark."
"When I was teaching, it was very effective to show children just how often they would do annoying things. I'd have an initial conversation and then hash mark away. No words needed!" ~ Whole-Ad-2347
"NTA x 100000. If this cow doesn't like your cooking, then she needs to stop coming to your house."
"You need to start grey rocking the crap out of her. 'Did you not put seasonings into the potatoes?' - Yep. 'This chicken's a bit too overcooked, don't you think?' - Nope. 'Lemon tart? That's an odd selection…' - No, it's fine."
"You are still answering her questions but are giving her nothing. She wants a reaction; she wants to disarm you and put you off. Don't give her the satisfaction! Look away or walk away after every answer so you have the last wood."
"Also, if you have her over again, just buy her some takeaway, serve it to her in the bag, and tell her, 'I figured after all the complaining you do about my food that you would prefer this.'
"Then walk away and refuse to engage any further." ~ AussieGirl27
"NTA. When we were kids, we were taught that if someone takes the time, trouble, and expense to fix a meal for you, you say thank you when you put your feet under their table."
"My mother left us kids when we were 4, 6, and 8. In 2000, my brother found her and she would come visit with her husband."
"Hubby was a meat and potatoes guy and did not deviate from that. I tried to fix good meals, but there was sooooo much that grown a** man would not eat."
"After about the third of fourth visit, I cooked a meal and when I put it on the table I also put a pack of bologna, a loaf of bread and some mayo and mustard on his plate. When I called everyone to the table he saw his plate and looked puzzled."
"I told him that since he didn't seem to be able to enjoy anything I cooked, I had put sandwich fixings out for him. He moved the bread and stuff away and ate what was on the table without another word." ~ BoomerKaren666
"How long has she been torturing you? Absolutely awesome job and don't feel guilty she's a petty vitch. NTA."
"If your husband has a problem, let him cook for her and himself. Tell the other busybodies to cook for her."
"I would boycott cooking for her and cook for only you and maybe your husband if he backs you up."
"You can serve her baby food like they give to people in the nursing home. I'd put an opened-up brochure from a nursing home under her plate next time with a date written in red pen next to her name." ~ mynameisnotsparta
"Weird how your husband was fully capable of telling you not to be rude and yet seems to have been struck dumb when his mother was the rude one."
"He should be the one telling her to knock it off, but clearly, her feelings are more important to him than yours."
"You have a husband problem. The MIL is just a symptom of your having married a spineless mama's boy."
"This will never ever change unless you force it to change, and if he's as spineless as he seems, he's just going to promise to change and then throw you under the bus again and again until you can no longer stand it." ~ buttercupcake23
"NTA. And for real. Stop cooking for her. Ever. If they really want to come over, tell them that clearly she doesn't enjoy your cooking, so hubs can cook, or she can order out (and pay)."
"And if she says you're overreacting or being petty, tell her you just prefer to save your time and effort cooking for people who appreciate it. If you really want to twist the knife, feel free to invite over FIL or other family members and cook for them, just not her."
"Consider letting her back only after she genuinely apologizes and promises to keep her criticism to herself. And stop again right away if she goes back to comments." ~ MidnightPositive485
Many Redditors pointed out the OP has a husband problem, not just a mother-in-law problem.
The easiest solution for dealing with people who don't appreciate your efforts is to stop doing things for them.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp