There are countless reasons why a relationship might end, and even when these breakups are messy, sometimes people are able to resolve their issues enough to still stay in touch, especially when there are children involved.
But for these post-romantic-relationship relationships to work, there have to be reasonable boundaries in place, pointed out the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor BigMouthTito came into their husband’s life when he was in the middle of a messy divorce, and they did what they could to be amicable for the sake of their future husband’s preexisting child.
But when the family began to pressure them to “double date” with the husband’s ex-wife, the Original Poster (OP) did not want to participate, despite being labeled as the problem.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my husband I won’t hang out with his ex-wife?”
The OP came into their husband’s life during a messy divorce.
“I met my husband seven years ago when he was going through a divorce. They were in a very contentious divorce, and he told me he HATED her.”
“When his ex-wife found out about me, she did everything she could to make my life miserable, including having friends of hers come to my house and threaten me.”
“They had a four-year-old child that they share 50-50 custody of.”
“After some years and things have calmed down, we have all managed to be cordial to each other for the sake of the child.”
The ex-wife continued to push boundaries, even years later.
“Fast forward to now, she has never remarried. Every time we are forced to be together (think sports games, school events), she follows my hubby around like a lost puppy and talks about old memories when they were together.”
“For the sake of the child, I kept the peace.”
The OP was alarmed when their mother-in-law wanted the parents to spend more time together.
“Recently, my mother-in-law suggested in a group text that we should go on a double date with my husband’s ex-wife and her new boyfriend.”
“My mother-in-law has horrible boundaries, and she’s desperate for us all to be friends.”
“I discreetly told my husband that the idea sounded awful.”
“So he sent out a group text to his and told everyone that I was an a**hole for not wanting to hang out with this lady.”
“He’s now on my s**t list for this. I let most things go, and I am a very non-confrontational person, but I screamed my head off at him for this. He says he did it to shut the conversation down, but I think it just made me look like an insecure a**hole.”
The OP felt conflicted over what was happening.
“His family is acting like I need to ‘get over it’ and go hang out with the woman that I don’t trust and don’t like.”
“I feel like I’m living in the Twilight Zone. His mother is making me question my sanity by telling me that I need to get over things and just ‘all be friends because she loves us and wants us all to be together.'”
“Is hanging out with an ex a normal thing and I just don’t know it?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were alarmed by the mother-in-law (MIL) and ex-wife’s constant boundary-pushing.
“To answer your question, OP, no, it’s not normal to go on a date with ex-partners, double date or not. It MIGHT be normal if the ex wasn’t constantly trying to f**k your husband or if she didn’t harass you with her friends, but nope.”
“I personally would be done with the husband after his reply and be done with the mother-in-law for thinking you owe someone grace just because she shot out a kid with your husband.” – WinterFront1431
“Call your MIL out on wanting you all to spend more time together. State in a group text that it would be extremely uncomfortable to have an outing with his ex-wife who has been deliberately toxic to your marriage.”
“You will be civil at children’s functions, but anything without the children is unacceptable. Full stop. NTA.” – Life-Bullfrog-6344
“You said it was your mother-in-law’s idea in the group text, and then your husband threw you under the bus in the group text.”
“But did your husband’s ex and her boyfriend say they would be up for this? It can’t just be you who is uncomfortable with this; otherwise, you’re the only sane one here, besides (hopefully) the child.” -mad2109
“Your husband is a d**k who clearly loves the attention he gets from his ex-wife. He’s wrong for making you look insecure when it’s very valid to not want to hang out with her.”
“Why are they even continuing a relationship when it’s clear that she still wants to be with him, following him around like a lost puppy like that? You don’t do that when you’re ‘just’ co-parenting with someone.”
“Your husband has no respect and doesn’t understand boundaries. You don’t need to be friends to be able to co-parent successfully.”
“Also, his mother needs to shut the f**k up and mind the business that pays her. If she wants to be friends with the girl, she can do so, but no one can make you do anything. NTA.” – OliveMammoth6696
“The ex-wife is toxic, and your husband likes the attention. In your case, she’s not your problem; he is.”
“You said no to a double date with HIS ex, and he sent out a GROUP TEXT calling you an a**hole. It sounds like he misses having the toxic in his life.”
“NTA.” – Aggressive_Cup8452
Others pointed out that the OP’s husband was the biggest issue.
“He did what now? You should have way more anger directed at your husband. That was beyond s**tty. He needs to fix that.”
“You do not need to go on a double date with his ex. That’s kind of a no-brainer. Why does your husband even care? They can co-parent without dinner dates. NTA.” – blueberryxxoo
“I’m sorry, but if this were me, he would be gone.”
“I’d ask him to leave, or you will, because not only does he expect you to be friends with a toxic b***h who wants to f**k your husband, but he’s told everyone that you’re the problem.”
“He’s a horrible man and honestly, I’d let the ex have him.” – WinterFront1431
“Your significant other is a total piece of s**t, to be honest.”
“I seriously don’t understand how he thought calling you an AH in the group chat would shut down the conversation! That line of thought is total madness!”
“Shutting down the conversation would include things like telling your mother-in-law that it’s a totally stupid idea and that he wants no part of it, leaving you out of the conversation completely.”
“If your partner is this stupid, what other s**t has he pulled? NTA.” – Sajem
“Sending that text was such an a**hole move on his part. He did it to shift blame and look like the good guy while you look like the crazy, jealous wife.”
“If he REALLY wanted to shut the conversation down, he would have said that he didn’t want to go on a double date, not throw you under the bus.”
“YTA TO YOURSELF and NTA to everyone else. I’m really shocked that you let this bulls**t go on for so long. You’re making excuses instead of giving consequences.” – Acceptablepops
“I’m sorry but you just ignored so many red flags from the start. He being in the middle of a divorce, the ex being a drama queen, his mom having boundary issues.”
“How amazing is this guy that you overlooked all of that and continued to pursue a relationship with him? Does he look like Manny Jacinto or something? Because from the sounds of this post, he doesn’t seem all that amazing.”
“NTA, but I’ll never understand people who choose to stick themselves in the middle of dumpster fires like this.” -ItJustWontDo242
“A real charmer you’ve got there, OP. Sorry. I know you love him. But who would you be without this crapola in your life?”
“Your literal life’s energy is being sucked out of existence.”
“For example, if you didn’t have this colossal worm of a husband and parasite of his ex on your mind, you COULD CONCEIVABLY be planning your spring vacation. Or about changing your hair color. Or curing godd**n cancer. WhatEVER the case may be.”
“This is your life. And I am p**sed for you wasting it while having to deal with this crap.” – BambooBeliever
The subReddit found it alarming that the OP’s husband’s perspective on his ex-wife, whom he “hated,” had changed so much, and to the degree that he blamed the OP for all current decisions.
It didn’t seem likely to the subReddit that this relationship would last long, but for it to work, new boundaries needed to be set, and they needed to be respected by all parties.