No matter the circumstances, going through a divorce is never a particularly pleasant experience.
For some couples, once their divorce is finalized, they relish the fact that they will never need to see their former spouse ever again.
Others, particularly those with children, try to maintain a healthy, amicable relationship, sometimes even becoming better friends than they were while they were married.
Of course, when a new spouse comes into the mix, there are bound to be new emotions and feelings that need to be battled.
Redditor Away_Description_752 thought he had a healthy relationship with his ex-wife, with whom he shares a son, and that his current wife was fine with their co-parenting arrangement.
However, the original poster (OP)’s current wife’s reaction to his ex-wife’s visit took him by surprise.
Wondering if he was being insensitive to his wife, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for allowing my ex-wife into my home?”
The OP explained why a recent visit by his ex-wife infuriated his current wife:
“Early yesterday evening, my ex-wife came to pick up our son from my home.”
“At the time, my wife and I had a few visitors over for dinner.”
“The visitors included her sister and husband but were mostly friends.”
“Usually, my ex phones our son when she’s downstairs (we live in an apartment building), and he goes down to meet her.”
“Yesterday, she called our son as usual but asked him to ask me if she could come up because one of her younger kids needed to use the bathroom.”
“I obviously said yes.”
“She came up with her 3 younger kids.”
“She didn’t know we had company, so apologized for interrupting before taking the kids to the bathroom.”
“On her way out a couple of the guests stopped her for a quick chat (friends I’ve had since she and I were married) but it was only a few minutes.”
“My son gave his little siblings some of the snacks that were out for guests.”
“After they left, my wife’s sister was quick to call my ex rude for barging in.”
“One of my friends replied to her, saying something about small kids’ bladders, but nothing more was said about it.”
“However, after everyone but my wife’s sister had left, my wife and her sister started talking about it, and both agreed that it was rude and tacky.”
“They couldn’t believe she started talking to some of our friends.”
“When I objected they said it was wrong of me to have let her in without asking my wife first, I said that’s ridiculous.”
“Later, my wife and I discussed it again, and she said she found it embarrassing for me to just let her in like that.”
“I asked why, but she said I wouldn’t understand.”
“I was trying to do a normal nice thing, but now I feel bad about upsetting my wife.”
“Am I really the a**hole here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for letting his ex-wife into their home.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s wife needed to accept that his ex-wife was going to be part of the OP’s life, as they share a child, and she needed to stop feeling so threatened, also agreed that her sister should mind her own business:
“NTA.”
“The kid had to pee; you let them in.”
“Your ex knew several of the people there; they initiated a conversation with her.”
“Your son gave his sibs a snack; what a sweet kid!”
“Your current wife and her sister are being ridiculous.”
“And this is from a woman who also married a man with kids from a prior marriage, so I know about living with co-parenting.”
“There is NOTHING in what you described that was anything but kind, normal interactions.”-InappropriateAccess
“NTA.”
“What kind of lesson would you be teaching your son if you refused to let the younger child in to use the bathroom?”
“Your wife needs to rethink her values.”- Acrobatic-Ad-3335
“NTA.”
“Guess what? If you don’t want to deal with your husband’s ex, then don’t marry a man who was married and had children. Problem solved.”
“However, if you do, be mature enough to handle it.”
“You let your son’s younger siblings use your bathroom. Of course, she needed to go with them. She’s their mom. It’s not like you moved your ex into your house.”
“What did they expect to say no, let them piss outside?”
“Petty sh*t like that is disruptive to healthy co-parenting. You don’t need that drama, and more importantly, your son doesn’t need it.”
“Tell your wife to grow the hell up and her sister to mind her own damn business.”- No-Operation-4446
“NTA.”
“The kid had to pee, for chrissake.”
“Never apologize for showing common politeness, simple decency, and normal hospitality.”
“Your wife and her sister are AHs.”- No_Good_Turn
“NTA.”
“That’s how co-parenting should be done.”
“Your son needs to know his mother is welcome in his home, especially when one of his siblings needs to use the toilet.”
“Your wife needs to chill.”
“My father’s partner did not want to see my mother either and pretty much ignored her if they did.”
“When I became an adult, I gave her an ultimatum: either she stopped being rude to my mother, or she no longer had a place in my life.”
“I do, however, resent the fact that my father did not talk to her about it when I was little.”
“So, if you don’t want any resentment from you kid; don’t let your wife be a b*tch to or about your ex-wife.”- Mission_Emu3690
“NTA.”
“Denying a small child the use of a bathroom would have been an a**hole move.”- arbitraryorange
“NTA.”
“There’s nothing inherently wrong with treating your ex in a friendly and fair way.”
“If it had been a relative or a babysitter who made the same request, you’d likely have granted it.”
“It’s good to be on good terms with your ex, and you’re showing your kids that their parents get along and treat each other with respect, which is crucial for them to see.”
“Your wife and her sister are wrong to criticize you for how you handled this.”- cascadia1979
“NTA.”
“I don’t see tacky; I see jealousy over what seems like a healthy co-parenting relationship.”
“My stepdad invited my dad and siblings to stay in his home with my mother for my graduation without even consulting her.”
“She was annoyed but dealt with it for me and my relationship with my dad.”
“Which is exactly why my ‘step’ dad welcomed him in, for me.”
“You’re setting a great example for your child, and if your wife truly cares about your child and their wellbeing as much as she should, then she could be a little more understanding.”- Background-Till-4138
“NTA.”
“Having a respectful co-parenting relationship is always in the best interest of the children.”
“Further, only petty a**holes would be mad you allowed children to use the bathroom.”
“When a person decides to marry someone who already has children, they are agreeing to be part of a co-parenting relationship.”
“Your wife and her sister are giant, petty a**holes.”
“I’m not sure you chose a very kind, compassionate, or empathetic partner.”
“She sounds awful.”- StacyB125
“NTA.”
“And the classic ‘you wouldn’t understand’ is a massive red flag.”- karmue
“NTA.”
“When did we become so averse to showing a fellow human some basic kindness and decency?!”
“A kid needed the toilet, she asked first; she apologized for interrupting, left with minimal fuss, and didn’t insert herself where she shouldn’t.”
“Your mutual friends approached her.”
“Not the other way round.”
“Your son is going to grow up knowing how to treat people based on what he’s been shown (and so far clearly a great example with getting snacks for his siblings).”
“You being able to have a good relationship with his mum sets a benchmark for him when he grows up and navigates relationships himself.”
“Your SIL needs to mind her business.”
“It’s not her home and nothing to do with her.”
“Your wife might need to grow up a little too.”
“She might be insecure, and if that’s the case, then it’s something she needs to work on herself.”-Lost-Swordfish640
One might be able to sympathize with the OP’s wife a little bit more if his ex-wife showed up unannounced for the dinner party and stayed as a guest.
But seeing as she only wanted to let her child use the bathroom and only lingered because mutual friends wanted to talk to her, it’s pretty clear that the OP needs to get over some jealousy issues.
If she doesn’t feel comfortable being married to a man who maintains a good relationship with his ex-wife, for the sake of their child, that is something she should have thought about before getting married.