Being a full-time caregiver for a disabled family member is a lot of hard work. When the family member is a child, there are added concerns about who will care for them when their parents are no longer able to.
But who is responsible for that care? Should other family members be coerced into providing care or should the parents make professional arrangements?
An adult child of a single mother turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after his mother’s fiancé had unrealistic expectations.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Rilesseys asked:
“AITAH for not wanting to help my mom and her fiancé with his disabled child?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (20, male) moved out of my mom’s (42, female) house a couple of years ago when I went to college. Until 10 months ago I had my own room there but her fiancé (45, male) and his two kids (6, male and 4, female) moved in with her.”
“The 4-year-old has a host of disabilities. I know they have a seizure disorder and a condition called osteogenesis imperfecta. But I believe there’s another one involving paralysis or spasms of the stomach/esophagus.”
“My mom took classes for over two months before her fiancé moved in so she would know how to take care of his daughter. Her fiancé’s ex is totally out of the picture, so mom decided she would need to step up completely, which I get.”
“I have been back twice since mom’s fiancé moved in with his kids.”
“The first time was at Christmas and I stayed with my grandparents because my old room went to the 4-year-old and there was no spare room for me. My mom was disappointed, but I pointed out it would stop me getting in the way of their routine, too.”
“The second time was late June/early July. I was home for a few weeks and again stayed with my grandparents.”
“Mom offered to buy a pull out bed for me, but I said I was good with my grandparents. When I was home and whenever I went to mom’s, I was asked if I had looked into taking the same classes mom had or if I’d like them to set me up with them.”
“I said no and asked why I’d need to take them. Mom said she had hoped I would want to help them. She said it would mean I could step in if an emergency came up.”
“I told mom she’d be better to find someone professional for that, because I was not taking on that responsibility. Her fiancé asked if I’m just never going to stay at the house, and I said yes.”
“I told them I would have zero privacy if I slept there and it wouldn’t benefit any of us. I pointed out how they’d be so busy anyway, that I wouldn’t have time with mom that much. I’d get just as much staying somewhere else and planning ahead of time to visit when she’s not super busy.”
“Her fiancé then said it sounded like I didn’t want to learn how to care for his daughter and planned to be limitedly involved with him and his kids. I said I’ll see them when I see mom, but I won’t be signing up for babysitting or future caregiver responsibilities.”
“Mom and I went for a walk together after I said that. She told me she got it, but that she hoped I’d be willing.”
“She said it’s a lot to ask and I don’t even live that close anymore, so it would never be all the time. But she asked me if I was really that unwilling to even give them a few hours off when I would visit.”
“She said it would be so helpful.”
“I told her I would visit and want to spend time with her, but babysitting her future stepkids was not in my plans. And especially not one so medically complex and in need of specific care.”
“She was upset, but let it go.”
“Her fiancé is holding a grudge about it. He brought it up to my grandparents when Christmas was brought up.”
“They said they got the feeling he was also annoyed they gave me a place to stay during my visits, because it gives me an excuse not to get closer to his kids and, therefore, be more willing to learn how to take care of his daughter.”
“They typically like mom’s fiancé but they do think he’s being incredibly unfair to me right now. When we last talked about it they said he should understand why I’d feel this way.”
“AITA?”
The OP later added:
“There was no way I was going to leave it unclear, because that’s how you get guilt tripped to Hell and get calls from classes you never signed up for. I wanted no part of that added drama.”
“And yes, it’s a huge ask.”
“Not only because of all the care needs, but in an actual emergency or something, I’d be dropping everything and going to another state to provide a ton of care for a child who will always need a lot of care.”
“I’m not resentful of it, but it does change things. I won’t be staying at her house again because there’s no room for me.”
“If I stay for a prolonged period, being shoved behind a curtain somewhere isn’t exactly comfortable. I find it slightly frustrating that mom didn’t realize this.”
“I won’t ever be around his daughter enough to need to take those classes. I’ll never be alone with her either.”
“My life will be in another state. And when I visit, I will stay with my grandparents or an Airbnb in the future, if I need to.”
“I believe he loves mom from what I’ve been told by my grandparents and mom. My grandparents liked him a lot until this.”
“Now they’re not super happy with him. They think he’s being incredibly unfair to expect so much from me.”
“I believe his long term plan is for me to be responsible for his kids if anything happens to them. I don’t know if he plans for his son to take over for his daughter when his son’s older, but I suspect he’s thinking I’d be an even better choice.”
“He’s not a widower, but his ex wants nothing to do with the kids because of their daughter’s disabilities. I don’t know his family situation though. But it’s not my problem either way.”
“She fell in love with him and with the kids.”
“I think she’s willing to step up because they don’t have a mom in their life and because she feels so strongly about them.”
“That’s her choice to make and I support her, but those choices change things between us. Her home is now theirs and not mine—there isn’t even actual room for me.”
“But it’s not a reality she has accepted yet.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not responsible for his mother’s future husband’s children (NTA).
“This is a heavy ask for anyone, let alone someone who doesn’t live there and didn’t sign up for it. If they need real respite care, that’s what professionals are for, not the college-aged son of the fiancée.”
“It’s good you were clear now instead of half-committing and then resenting it later.” ~ Slenderboss23
“It’s so much more than that. He’s trying to set it up so if anything happens to him and OP’s mom, regardless of ages/timeline, OP can become primary and his oldest won’t have his future interrupted.” ~ notyourmartyr
“Sounds like they are not only wanting a baby sitter for a few hours off but someone who is going to take care of those children indefinitely if anything happens to either of them.”
“His plan was get the older person—you—who will probably have a good job and income to take on the responsibility of his daughter so his son doesn’t have to. And I also think your mum has taken on more than she can chew.”
“She’s probably realised how much work it is to care for a disabled child and is trying to push for other people to share that responsibility. Stick to what you told both of them—they will have to figure it out themselves.” ~ Ok_Royal2491
“Mom’s fiancée (NOT your stepdad, let’s make that clear) is expecting you to eventually be a caretaker for his child—both physically and financially.” ~ Truth-out246810
“This is why he wants you to get the training and get used to the kid. This way they can play the ‘oh but she’s already so comfortable with you and you have the classes and everything!’.”
“No. Stay at your grandparents. Don’t let them use you. I half wonder if the main reason he’s with your mom is to have someone to care for his kids (get the feeling when he found out she had a young adult kid this was the kicker as they can have the caretaker all ready to go when they’re incapable of it).”
“NTA—keep your space and boundaries. This is a VERY slippery slope you’re standing on and one step Forward is liable to send you careening all the way down.” ~ acegirl1985
“Yep, he’s looking for a nurse and a purse.” ~ worldnotworld
“It sounds like you barely know him or his children.”
“Expecting a relative stranger to take weeks of classes to learn to care for a child they don’t know—and who doesn’t know them—just because the child’s parent is marrying into the family is bizarre.”
“Especially when the stranger doesn’t even live nearby. Especially when the stranger is a barely out of their teens, childless, single person.”
“Their best option is professional respite care.”
“If that’s not an option, maybe your mother has friends or cousins they can guilt into providing free babysitting and respite care.” ~ MohawMais
“So this guy is marrying a woman with a house, moves his kids in, displaces her son, gets her to take a class on how to care for HIS medically complex child, and now he’s mad that you won’t sleep on a foldout couch in the living room so you can babysit?”
“Is your mom, like, okay? I’m asking if she’s in possession of all of her marbles. NTA. I hope she hasn’t put his name on her house.” ~ madpeachiepie
Reddit was unanimous in their judgment that OP owes nothing to his mother’s future husband nor his children.
Not wanting to be an emergency caregiver or part-time babysitter for children he barely knows isn’t a moral failing on his part.