“Home for the Holidays” can bring up all sorts of feelings.
For many, it reminds people of nostalgia, dinners, and laughs.
For others, it can conjure regret, stress, and disappointment.
Not every home for the holiday is a happy one.
Some families just can’t help but make drama.
Redditor nomorexmas2 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for telling my mom she is also to blame for why my brother and I won’t host our parents for the holidays?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Last Christmas was my brother’s first holiday not living at home with our parents.”
“He wanted to host everyone in his new apartment.”
“Also, around this time last year, my parents had mutually agreed not to get each other gifts as they were focusing on paying off some debt.”
“Apparently, there was some miscommunication. “
“My dad thought this meant no gifts at all.”
“My mom thought this meant no gifts, but they’d still exchange stockings.”
“In our family, stockings are always small stuff: body care, candy, you get the picture.”
“I was living with my parents last year, and I had heard all the discussions.”
“I honestly saw both sides when on Christmas morning, we all woke up and mom didn’t have her stocking filled from dad.”
“She was very quiet but clearly hurt.”
“He ran out to the pharmacy, quickly bought some things to fill her stocking, saying he was sorry.”
“Now, should my dad have communicated better? Sure.”
“Do I understand my mom is hurt by the situation? Also, sure.”
“But I thought they’d be able to swallow it all for lunch at my brother’s.”
“We go, and my dad is doing his best to make up for his blunder.”
“My mom is in a terrible mood and keeps picking at him all day long.”
“Toward the end of our time there, she ended up making a snarky remark about my dad not filling her stocking.”
“My dad flipped his s**t and started screaming that nothing he does is enough, then stormed out.”
“My brother was clearly upset by having Christmas ruined by their arguing.”
“I convinced my mom we should leave not long after.”
“My brother and I were upset with both of them.”
“My dad shouldn’t have flipped out and screamed.”
“My mom also should’ve kept her comments to herself or spoken to my dad later.”
“My brother was embarrassed as his roommate had come home, and while he was in his room, he overheard the arguing.”
“My brother stopped having my parents over altogether after that, though he’d still invite me.”
“My brother would also visit us at my parents’ place.”
“Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and we were all trying to coordinate plans.”
“I recently got my own place, but honestly, I don’t want to host after last year.”
“My brother said he’s never hosting another holiday at his apartment again.”
“My mom was hurt by this, but eventually we all just planned to have dinner at my parents’ place.”
“Later on, my mom was complaining to me that my brother won’t have us over anymore, feeling pushed out.”
“She said it was my dad’s fault, and she shouldn’t be punished.”
“I told her that while my dad was wrong for screaming, she chose to be whiny all day long.”
“I clarified that I understood her hurt, but she also partially ruined the day by not letting it go.”
“My mom got mad at me and accused me of taking sides.
“I said I’m not.”
“If Dad bi**hed, I’d tell him the same, but he seems to understand that he ruined it.”
“I also pointed out that neither of them ever apologized to my brother, and I’m not confident they’d never do it again.”
“My mom says I’m in the wrong for how I spoke to her.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a** here?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“You made the best point of all.”
“Neither apologized to your brother.”
“You also mentioned you think this situation could happen again.”
“It kind of says all we (as the internet) needs to know about your parents.”
“But obviously NTA.” ~ Ready-Conflict-1887
“OP, your parents are bad at communication, both with each other and you and your brother.”
“Your father’s blow-up is because of years of this type of behavior between them.”
“The fact that your mom is upset at your brother, and now you show that she is not going to change anytime soon.”
“Just remember that you cannot control how others react; you can only control how you act.”
“Good luck.” ~ Acceptable_Day6086
“NTA, the fact that neither apologized to your brother is proof that they will do it again.”
“So is the fact that when you went to your parents, they complained about not being invited to your brother’s anymore.”
“Refusing to take accountability or reflect on reasons why someone may set up a boundary just shows that they won’t make any effort to avoid the same behavior again.” ~ SafetyFluid8535
“My first Thanksgiving with my husband was hosted by my younger sister.”
“We got there, my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] was outside with my nephew.”
“He said that my sister and mother were arguing.”
“I go inside to play peacemaker.”
“It was bad!”
“Accusations and yelling!”
“My husband came in to say hello but walked right back out.”
“It was a very awkward meal.”
“Christmas that same year, we chose to go to a football game.”
“Just him and me.”
“I refused to spend another holiday with my mother or sister.”
“Or to subject my husband to another ruined holiday.”
“I just celebrated my 34th anniversary, and in that time, I’ve only spent 1 Thanksgiving and 1 Christmas with them.”
“I regret giving them a 2nd chance years later.”
“Our holidays are very peaceful now!”
“I intend to keep them that way!” ~ Advanced-Area4676
“NTA. You’re, in fact, being the voice of reason.”
“It reminds me of when kids have a spat, there’s usually an adult to make them stop, think, express, and then work on solving things and apologizing.”
“You’re acting like the adult, and your mom is acting the bratty kid…. Who needs a time-out?” ~ notdancingQueen
“NTA. Your mother is proving your point with her behavior towards you about this.”
“She refuses to take responsibility for her part in the situation, and takes any mention of her being responsible for her own behavior as ‘taking your father’s side.'”
“I’d point that out and tell her that when she can be a grown-up and be accountable for her own behaviors, you might consider hosting her.” ~ MelodyRaine
“NTA, but your mom clearly lacks insight.’
“She has a victim mentality.”
“The fact that she stands by the belief that your dad is responsible for the drama demonstrates her inability to understand her part in this and give grace in their relationship d/t this miscommunication.”
“This is deeper than the one miscommunication about stockings- your parents likely need therapy to address all their other deep-rooted issues, if they plan to stay together in the long term.”
“It’s likely clouding their ability to recognize the hurt that you and your brother are experiencing.”
“If they’re strong enough to go through with it, maybe you guys can someday consider hosting again.”
“It’d be a worthwhile investment, since I imagine if you or your brother plan on expanding your family someday, everyone would want to have a welcoming environment without arguments.” ~ No-Muscle5314
“NTA. You were speaking the truth, and did so in a gentle manner (presumably).”
“Your mum just doesn’t want to hear it.”
“Honestly, your parents sound like hard work and like they bring and potentially enjoy drama.” ~ Top_Violinist4161
“NTA. You were honest about the shared blame.”
“Both parents contributed to ruining your brother’s hosting efforts.” ~ MangaMist
“NTA. You’re more mature than your parents.”
“They sound like a couple of moody teenagers, especially your mom.” ~ Yoongi_SB_Shop
“NTA, they should have communicated with each other better.”
“No presents means no presents, so I see why your dad bought no presents.”
“To be honest, your dad shouldn’t have shouted and stormed off, but your mum is the biggest AH.”
“Your dad didn’t do anything wrong, and he even tried to fix it because she was hurt.”
“I think you were very measured in your response.” ~ Trekunderthemoon
OP returned to chat…
“Edit: Because of course everyone’s favorite game is ‘Let’s play Devil’s Advocate!!!'”
“This is not my parents’ first time having an argument like this.”
“In the past, it hasn’t been about Christmas, but it’s been about other stuff.”
“They hate each other but stay married due to not being able to afford to divorce and live separately.”
“They hate each other.”
“Their screaming matches are constant, and they have ruined other family events.”
“We’ve suggested therapy, and they won’t go.”
“They want to stay trapped and miserable.”
“Yet, when my brother and I bickered about stupid stuff as kids, they’d scream at us for ‘ruining their peace.'”
“We’re at the point where they don’t get to do this without consequences.”
“This is the consequence.”
“For those saying I shouldn’t blame my dad as much as I do in this post, the main reason I hold him at 50% is because he started screaming.”
“If he had just remained quiet and spoken to my mom later, then he wouldn’t be held to the same degree.”
“Because he screamed and refused to take accountability for his tantrum, he goes up here, too.”
“But I agree, without that, my mom is more at fault.”
“Thank you to those who actually listened and paid attention.”
“Even if I didn’t agree with what you said, you didn’t try to play stupid Devil’s Advocate and make the story into something it wasn’t.”
There is so much to process here, OP.
You and your brother are doing the right thing.
Actions have consequences.
Maybe this will show them that they need to learn how to behave.
It’s all sad, though.
Good luck and happy holidays.