Bodyshaming is never okay.
It's always best not to comment on someone's weight unless you're a doctor, right?
Well, that's sadly not always the case.
A woman whose boyfriend decided her teenage sister needed a heads up turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Banana_toffee asked:
"AITAH for breaking up with my boyfriend after he made a very inappropriate comment to my sister?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm gonna start by saying I don't think I am the a**hole, but my now EX boyfriend (24, male) claims I have been overreacting and exaggerating."
"I've been dating this guy for 3 years, and I really thought he was the one, but today he made me quickly change my mind. I have a half-sister (16, I am 22); we have the same dad and different moms, and we don't look much alike."
"Two years ago, my dad developed a severe form of leukemia, and he passed away within a couple of months. Needless to say, it was the hardest thing my sister and I had to face in life."
"My sister took it particularly hard; she used to love going to the gym and working out, and she stopped doing so. She also started eating much more junk food, and ended up gaining a lot of weight."
"Today, my boyfriend and I went to my sister's house as her mom had invited all of us for lunch. We were eating homemade pizza, and my sister ended up asking her mom if she could have another slice."
"That's when my boyfriend said, 'Are you sure you want another one looking like that?'."
"My sister got up from the table and ran to her room. I was in shock, and I wasn't able to tell him anything, nor follow my sister to her room, which I deeply regret."
"Thankfully, my boyfriend and I don't live together, so before he dropped me off at home, I told him it was over because he can't disrespect my sister like that, especially because he had been there when my dad died and knew how it made both of us feel."
"I tried to call my sister, and she won't answer. I texted her mom to ask her if she's OK, and she said she's OK, and she's not mad at me, but she doesn't want to talk to anybody right now."
"I'm going to go over to her mom's house after she's done with school tomorrow and bring her some flowers."
"I know I'm not the one who said anything, but I hope she can forgive me for not stepping up... I was in shock, and I hope she understands."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP wasn't wrong to break up with her boyfriend (NTA).
"NTA! And good job kicking him to the curb and trying to be there for your sister. If he said that to her just imagine if something happened to you, like getting pregnant, and you gained weight or something. He showed his true colors." ~ SweetP916
"And can you imagine this man being a father to girls? Telling them to watch what they eat all the time and stressing them about looking beautiful?"
"He would instill a sense of self-worth, completely reliant on the way they look and not who they are. NTA. OP dropped the trash at the curb." ~ Lazy-Instruction-600
"My daughter gained a lot of weight in college. My now ex, her father, never said anything to her that I know of."
"But he said to me multiple times, 'she's never going to find anyone decent to date unless she loses weight', and worse."
"We had multiple fights over his comments, as he was (and is) overweight himself. Hypocrisy was a huge reason he's now ex." ~ FlounderBetter2204
"You are obviously a woman of character, while your ex is shallow and disrespectful. I think your sister will forgive you and understand when she finds out that you immediately dropped your insulting ex."
"Stay exactly as you are, and eventually you will be with someone of equal maturity and character." ~ Intelcourier
"NTA. This man body shamed your sister for something he doesn't know she is going through. He sounds immature as hell." ~ Repulsive-Top4897
"Doesn't matter what she's going through or if she's going through anything at all. It was a horrible thing to say to anyone. Bodyshaming like that is never OK." ~ Competitive-Pop-390
"And major kudos to you for having the maturity and confidence to recognize an a**hole and kick him unceremoniously to the curb!"
"Your Dad would be very proud of you for having your sister's back and taking the appropriate steps to take out the trash when needed." ~ SoftLatinaKitten
"NTA. What your ex said is hideous. The hell would think it's OK to say that?"
"You have a good plan to comfort your sister. The fact that you didn't do something immediately doesn't make you a bad sister. You had to deal with your ex and deal with ending a long relationship." ~ Anonymoosehead123
"Facts. Also the fact OP dumped him IMMEDIATELY after will show her sister 1. OP loves her and 2. How to deal with finding out your boyfriend is an a**hole." ~ PennsylvaniaDutchess
"You'll be forgiven for freezing in shock when you tell her you dumped his rude a** for what he said to her. If that isn't stellar sisterly solidarity, then I don't know what is."
"Well done, OP. You didn't hesitate to do the right thing. NTA." ~ Impossible_Balance11
"I just want to note you should explain in a way that doesn't make it feel like it's her fault that you broke up. I think it can be easy for someone like the sister to feel like you broke up because of her when the real situation is he's a sh*t person." ~ cirv
"NTA. It is heartwarming that you care about your sister so much. Your ex is cruel. Do not let him gaslight you in to taking him back. You didn't overreact, you acted like a boss!" ~ Junior-Trade5338
"I think when you tell her that you broke up with him because you could never be with someone who would talk to your sister like that and remind her that sisters come first and you got her back…I think she'll feel better."
"Obviously, she's insecure, and he didn't help that, but it will make her feel better to know she has your support." ~ MamaLlama629
"Beware: Don't backtrack, accept apologies, let him weasel his way into trying to apologize directly to your sister, etc... to try to make things right and get back together. Something like that is probably coming. Don't fall for it." ~ _Star_808
"My mother let my brother body shame me constantly. I was bulimic for years."
"Good on you for protecting your sister." ~ stryker_cast
"F*CK THAT GUY."
"NTA. You and your sister's relationship will be okay, I suspect, but the sting of his comment will likely linger for her."
"That's not your fault."
"And, stepping up to defend her, wouldn't have changed anything. He already said it. Don't beat yourself up. He caused that damage, not you. Nor is there anything anybody could really do to rectify it, once it had been said."
"Just try and be there for her and prop her up in the fallout of his sh*tty, stupid jab."
"Shows how shallow his value systems are… Stupid prick."
"Good riddance. And I'm so sorry about your dad; I lost my mom at 10. Dead parents club… it sucks and there's no way around that. But you're not alone. Sending love to you and your sister." ~ HeadChefOf
"NTA. That was not only incredibly disrespectful to your sister, but he did it in front of her mother. That shows blatant disregard for people in your life in general. And, he's cruel." ~ Sparkles_4_Corvids
"Don't be ashamed of yourself. Tell her that you froze, and then your mind started racing to how best to break up with this Neanderthal. Tell her you did it as you were getting out of the car when he dropped you at home."
"It wasn't until you called her to tell her what you had done, and she didn't answer, that you realized that you should have gone to her first and talked to her.
Tell her you love her, and of all people, you know how bad this pain of losing Dad is. Let her feel this pain, but be there for her." ~ Evening_Delay_1856
"NTA. Give yourself some grace that you didn't react/respond in the moment as you were in SHOCK to process what TF was going on!"
"You dodged a bullet as this was the intro to how he would speak to YOU at some point, whether it's during pregnancy, afterwards, or any point in life. Body and weight changes throughout for women and men, too, but the focus has been on women."
"F' that lil boy and mend that relationship with your sister. At the top of that, suggest going to grief therapy together, it's clear she's coping much differently and not healthily." ~ Word_of_the_wise
Grief hits different.
Some people stop eating, others self-soothe with food.
Some stop working out, others get obsessive about exercise.
All OP can do is be there for her sister.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp