Content Warning: Affair, Affair Baby, Adoption, Mom-shaming
In nearly every heartbreaking life event where children are involved, the child is not the one who should be blamed for what has happened.
But that does not necessarily mean that we’ll want to build a relationship with them, especially if they carry the reminder of what’s happened, sympathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Lexianndry looked on while her sister-in-law adopted her best friend’s child and supported her when she was medically unable to continue to care for the child she’d adopted.
But when she discovered who this baby actually was to the family, the Original Poster (OP) could no longer care for the child or look at her husband in the same way anymore.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for wanting to walk away from my marriage and the child we were raising together after finding out the child is biologically my husband’s?”
The OP’s sister-in-law supported her best friend by adopting a baby she did not want to raise.
“My husband’s sister adopted a child four years ago.”
“She had talked before about being a single mom by choice, and when her friend had a child she didn’t want to raise, she said it made sense to step in and offer to become the baby’s mom.”
“Everyone was supportive and welcomed the child into the family.”
When the OP’s sister-in-law could no longer care for the baby, she and her husband stepped in.
“Two and a half years ago, my husband’s sister was diagnosed with MS (Multiple Sclerosis).”
“She unfortunately declined rapidly and asked us to take in her child.”
“We agreed. We had not yet had children of our own at that point, which made it easier. We made sure my sister-in-law still time with her child, and she asked that we continue raising the child, no matter how bad she gets/if she dies. We agreed again.”
“My husband never acted weird around the child. Never acted like he had some secret. He acted like an uncle willing to step in and raise his sister’s child.”
But then the OP’s sister-in-law told her the truth.
“Recently, his sister confessed to me that my husband was the biological father of this child.”
“She said my husband and her best friend used to hook up occasionally, and he did it again right before we got married, and this child is the result of his infidelity.”
“I was sick. She told me she couldn’t keep lying to me because eventually it would come out, and she wanted to minimize the damage, especially before we start talking about adoption.”
“I confronted my husband, and he denied it, so I asked him to do a DNA test.”
“He’s the father. There’s no doubt. DNA confirmed he’s the biological father.”
“He told me nothing happened since we were married, and he loves me, and he’s sorry for what he did. He said it was a drunk night before our wedding, and he would never do something like that again.”
“Then he said he wanted us to be a family and offered to adopt his child and raise them as our own. He told me this doesn’t have to end us.”
The OP could no longer look at her husband or the baby the same way.
“I left the house and have been staying with my sister since the DNA results. I’m disgusted, and I don’t want to sign up for this. I know that the baby is innocent, but I now can only see what my husband did, and I cannot imagine raising them and acting like their mom and keeping my husband in my life.”
“My husband’s sister has reached out to apologize multiple times, and she told the rest of their family the truth, also.”
“My husband’s parents have tried to contact me to get me back to my husband. They have told me I have a family now, and I can’t leave, especially not with their daughter unable to raise this baby again.”
“I had to block them because their messages were blaming and shaming me more and more for not agreeing to marriage counseling and moving forward as a family.”
“I don’t see a way back from this. But I have been in this child’s life since birth and raised them for more than a year and a half. I just know I could never be a good mom to them, knowing what I know.”
“I feel so much disgust and hurt that this was kept from me. It would have hurt either way once he cheated, but I could have walked away, and far more easily before we were married. But this went on so much longer and went far deeper. He’s a father to someone else’s child, a child he fathered just days before we were married.”
“AITAH for wanting to divorce and walk away?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some held space to empathize with the OP and to criticize the family who tried to shame her into staying in an impossible situation.Â
“I can’t imagine how you feel right now. Just the utter betrayal and them all expecting you to be fine with it all is insane.” – KateNotEdwina
“His sister and probably the rest of his family knew as well. To berate you for leaving is crazy.”
“Move on and don’t look back. He does not deserve you.”
“Continue to be no-contact forever with any of the screeching flying family monkeys or friends who try to guilt, bully, gaslight, or manipulate you into changing your mind and accepting this situation.”
“Deal with him ONLY through your lawyer.” – bino0526
“You’re just playing a part to them, OP. A character in this warped play of their lives. No regard for you as an actual human. You’re supposed to just stay on script and do as you’re told.”
“And they are using this kid to manipulate you? Oh h**l no.”
“Get the f**k away from these people. No wonder your husband is hot garbage; look at who raised him.”
“I’m so sorry. The betrayal here is brutal. Stand up for yourself and get that divorce, you have nothing to feel bad about; you are not the sh*tty person in this play, you’re the victim.” – YouKnowYourCrazy
“He intentionally denied you the option to leave a cheater so he could have what he wanted without consequences. He has continued to deny you that right ever since. I hate to go here, but I question if his sister is even sick.” – EldritchDreamEdCamp
“Of COURSE they expect you to just get over it. They’re just in it for themselves; that’s why they want the marriage to continue. You staying married to their son benefits THEM.”
“They want the benefits (family unity, involvement with the grandchild, avoiding public embarrassment, pretending everything is fine, shared childcare, etc.) without the consequences falling on their son.”
“They want to protect their son from consequences. When a man fathers a child through an affair, the consequences for him are significant and long-lasting. Instead of facing those consequences, some families try to shift the burden onto the betrayed spouse so their son’s life remains as unchanged as possible.”
“Your in-laws want reconciliation because it benefits their son, not because it is healthy or fair for you. They are trying to protect him from losing money, protect him from shame, protect him from consequences, protect the family image, and protect their own comfort.”
“And they want YOU to carry the emotional, financial, and parental burden so HE doesn’t have to. They expect you to raise the child, not because it’s right, but because it’s convenient, image-saving, emotionally easier, and beneficial to their son.”
“Pure self-interest on their part. It’s also easier to pressure you to stay than to hold him accountable. Holding their son accountable means admitting he cheated, admitting he lied, admitting he hurt you, admitting he brought a child home from betrayal, or admitting he caused this pain.”
“It’s much easier to pressure YOU than to confront HIM. The fundamental point is that any pressure for you to remain is driven by self-interest. Your continued presence benefits them, whereas your departure would cause them inconvenience.” – Affectionate-Cut3631
Others reassured the OP that she was NTA for wanting to walk away.
“Ask his parents how many affair babies they raised? Once they raise an affair baby, created by their partner, then they can have an opinion. NTA.” – PsychologicalYuck6269
“Let your LAST conversation with them be that there will be NO GETTING OVER IT.”
“Ask the police to escort you to get the rest of your belongings, or get your big, burly male relatives to go with you.” – bino0526
“Get a lawyer; get a lawyer; get a lawyer; get a lawyer; get a lawyer; get a lawyer.”
“You need to get a brand new phone number that you can use with other people and let everyone send their effed up messages to your old phone number, and you can keep them for evidence for your lawyer.”
“Cut them all off if you have not already. They need to be dead to you, and you need to start the grief process now.” – Ok_Passage_6242
“If it were the other way around, I doubt him and his family would be forgiving. Divorce him.” – lemonlimemango1
“I would look into an annulment, honestly. He lied from the start. He fathered a child and never told you. He married you under false pretenses. That would save you time, paperwork, and hopefully a dash of heartache (there’s too much of that going around already).” – MyRedditUserName428
The subReddit was disgusted on the OP’s behalf and encouraged her to walk away now before the heartache and disappointment could deepen even more.
Inevitably, the OP had seen this family as family, though they were now people who were willing to lie to her and sacrifice her happiness for their own. She’d seen her husband as someone who would love, honor, and protect her unconditionally, though he was only interested in his own desires.
Saddest of all, she’d likely seen a baby in front of her, who she believed was her niece and nephew, and she not only opened her heart and home up to caring for them when her sister-in-law could not, but she likely was opening herself to the idea of becoming their second adoptive mother, too.
There were too many deceptions and false promises here for the OP to unpack, and she was better off walking away before she was promised something else.