For some, being honest in a relationship can be challenging.
Why? Who knows?
That is a personal question.
So instead of being upfront about issues, some partners manipulate the situation and lie or omit certain truths.
They do this in an attempt to prove a point.
These actions are not always well-received.
Redditor Specialist_Lack_1484 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for being upset after lying to me about his gift?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (29 F[emale]) honestly can’t tell if I’m going overboard.”
“My boyfriend (28 M[ale]) told me he got me a replacement for my Chanel Coco Mademoiselle because it had run out, which I thought was so sweet.”
“Then about a month later, I noticed the sprayer on the bottle started getting wobbly, and I asked him to take it back to the store and exchange it, and he said he couldn’t.”
“Then it came out that he hadn’t ACTUALLY got me a new bottle of Chanel, he’d just taken my old bottle and filled it up with a dupe from Aerre.”
“Anyway, I was PISSED OFF because I’d been using it for a month and I wear it almost every day, and I don’t want to wear a dupe.”
“And then he was like, yeah, but I saved us money, and you didn’t notice.”
“He says he was thinking about our finances and trying to prove a point, but I think I have the right to wear what I want.”
“And it pisses me off that if I hadn’t found that the cap was broken, he probably would never have told me.”
“I should add that this is an ongoing problem in our relationship where I feel pressure to control my spending, even though we’re not tight for money.”
“He’s never tricked me like this before, and we’re otherwise happy, so I don’t feel like he’s being abusive or anything; we’re actually very happy.”
“I just think that as long as we can afford it, I should be able to wear what I want.”
“I hope that gives some context.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole for getting mad, or am I just overreacting?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. I think the emphasis being put on how you didn’t notice is irrelevant.”
“He still lied.”
“Is the lie objectively worse if you’d had some skin reaction?”
“Scents can seem similar if they’re not compared side-by-side (with coffee grounds or charcoal in between to reset the olfactory sense).”
“The fact that he can’t respect your brand choice, ‘I obviously made a better choice,’ is communicating (even subconsciously) that he thinks you’re incapable and he needs to do it for you.”
“Maybe it’s just perfume now, but what about in 5 years?”
“Will he override your wishes in favor of his mother?”
“Will he stand up for your birth wishes if you’re having a child together someday?”
“I wouldn’t call this a 100% deal-breaker, alone, but as a pattern is a major red flag.”
“If he cannot unpack this patriarchal BS, you need to find a partner who actually values you.” ~ nurse_hat_on
“NTA, he lied, full stop.”
“You shouldn’t lie to a partner, especially when it comes to a gift.”
“He could have presented an option of you trying out a dupe to see if you’d like to make the switch or keep it in your back pocket for a future switch in the event finances become an issue.”
“Bottom line is he lied, and he shouldn’t have.” ~ MooreisMoore
“NTA. He purposely deceived you to try and prove a point, and he framed it as a ‘gift.'”
“I’ve thought about something similar with my wife (gf at the time), but never went through with it because it seems like a trust violation.”
“If he can’t express his concerns or back up his values without tricking you, then his argument isn’t that strong to begin with.” ~ RealNaranja
“Eh, NTA.”
“I think people’s opinions of makeup/perfume are clouding their judgment here.”
“If you’d gotten him a new G[raphics] P[rocessing] U[nitas] a ‘present’ to upgrade his P[ersonal] C[omputer], but it came to light later on down the road that you’d bought an off-brand knockoff, changed the packaging, let him install it, then used it as some kind of ‘gotcha’ in an argument (‘you didn’t even notice! Your games ran fine!’) when you were caught, these same commenters would be singing a very different tune.”
“It would suddenly matter that you lied.”
“It would suddenly matter that you pulled this switch, knowing there might be consequences (faulty part-related problems with his PC; your dupe perfume very well could have caused a skin reaction on you).”
“It would suddenly matter that you took it upon yourself to dictate what kind of luxury possessions he was allowed to have.”
“All of that would suddenly matter… once the conversation topic concerned something that these commenters personally care about.” ~ Prestigious_Diet_850
“NTA. Just because you didn’t notice the difference doesn’t make it okay.”
“He could’ve also just gotten you literally any other affordable gift without having to lie.”
“If he has to trick you in order to buy you something, he is 100% an a**hole.”
“Also, he knew how much you liked this specific perfume, and then went out of his way NOT to get it for you?”
“That’s so lame and erases all thoughtfulness the gift idea initially had.”
“You both probably need to have a talk about finances if everything else in your relationship is fine, because it sounds like he is escalating in terms of controlling your expenses, and this could probably get worse over time if not addressed.” ~ Rainbow_riding_hood
“NTA. I am a frugal person in general, but I like Armani’s Acqua di Gioia perfume.”
“I can find similar perfumes that have similar notes, but I like that one, and I’ll splurge on it.”
“The frivolization of women’s interests is both sexist and inane.”
“Who cares if you spend $200 on 3.4oz of happiness that will last a year?”
“The fact that he set out to teach you a lesson instead of having a conversation would be a deal breaker for me.”
“You didn’t ask him to go out and replace your perfume; he offered and purposefully did it wrong.”
“You aren’t a child in need of parenting, and if he has a problem with your spending, he can use his big boy words.” ~ Mammoth_Ad_5423
“NTA. Lying is not only a lack of trust but also showing poor taste because it’s a gift.”
“Also, if he didn’t want to get you the original perfume, he didn’t have to.”
“He decided to voluntarily lie and try to pass it off as a full-price present.”
“It is also a red flag to me that he said he was ‘trying to prove a point.’”
“As that comes off as very immature and controlling to try to prove a point through lying and tricks to support his own opinion about finances with dishonest behavior.”
“I think the actual deal with the perfumes and distinguishing them is negligible.”
“It could have been done another way if he wanted a genuine test without manipulation.”
“I think passing it off as a present and lying is bad behavior.” ~ ConfectionLogical575
“Ah, this sub’s favorite enemy: a woman with a preference for something, especially something even mildly expensive.”
“Don’t let the comments here fool you: you ARE allowed to buy things you want so long as you can afford them.”
“It doesn’t matter if others don’t see the point or wouldn’t buy the thing for themselves.”
“What you’re NOT allowed to do is lie to your partner because you think you know better than they do, which is exactly what your partner did. NTA.” ~ One-Bat-7038
“NTA, it doesn’t matter if you didn’t notice or not.”
“He lied to you and tricked you.”
“I mean, what else has he lied to you about/tricked you that you haven’t noticed yet?”
“You are allowed to like what you like and wear what you want.”
“I would be very upset about it as well.” ~ LifeMachine6373
“NTA. Deceiving someone regardless of reason is still deceit.”
“You need to discuss your finances together because clearly you aren’t on the same page regarding spending.”
“Even if everything else is great, finances are a huge part of a relationship.” ~ Wiscodoggo5494
A few Redditors had a different thought…
“ESH. You say it’s an ongoing issue in your relationship that he’s ‘always thinking about the finances’ and you feel like you’re ‘not tight for money’ and ‘you can afford it,’ but have you both actually sat down and discussed your budget together?”
“Your financial goals (own a house, save for a car/holiday/wedding/whatever).”
“Your savings?”
“Your income vs expenditure?”
“If you don’t have an open and honest conversation about your goals and expectations, crunch the numbers, and get on the same page, it will continue to be a problem.”
“His tricking you and/or you dismissing his concerns about your financial situation isn’t going to fix anything.”
“Use your words.” ~ Final-Call
“ESH. I need more background information from you to prove you’re not the a**hole.”
“Specifically financially.”
“Also, I’m sorry you wear the scent every day, and you couldn’t tell the difference; that means there is no difference except the price tag.”
“That said, he is an a**hole for the way this has gone down, obviously.” ~ McLargepants
“ESH. Seems to me that you would have never known the difference if the bottle hadn’t played up.”
“And he should never have said he was getting you exactly that.”
“He wants to be wise with his money.”
“And you want to go spending up.”
“I’d say your relationship needs a thorough going over as you two seem to be in different minds about where you’re both headed.” ~ RidgyFan78
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
Your boyfriend certainly doesn’t come off smelling like roses here.
He could have just sat you down and told you how seriously he feels about that purchase.
This isn’t an end-of-the-world situation.
But there is a lot to discuss and unpack here.