All of us have parts of ourselves that we are more at peace with than others, and there might be other parts of ourselves that we might want to keep hidden and not talk about.
For some of us, that might just be our sexuality, sympathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
The problem with that is all the people who can get hurt along the way because of a lie.
While out for the evening, Redditor Odd-Actuary-9356 met a man, only to later discover that not only was he hiding the fact that he was gay, but he was also about to get married.
When it turned out the person he was about to marry was a woman, who was the mother of his four children, and who didn’t know he was gay, the Original Poster (OP) knew the bride had to know the truth before walking down the aisle.
She asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for telling this man’s fiancée that he’s not only closeted, but he has been unfaithful to her while on his bachelor trip?”
The OP helped a man that she met at a bar.
“I (26 Trans Female) went out last Thursday night with my roommate. I was at a local bar downtown.”
“When I went to the bathroom, I noticed there was this guy who seemed to be experiencing alcohol poisoning. I asked his friends to help him, and they laughed, saying he was fine, and I thought they were being really rude as his friend.”
“I went and got him the largest cup of water that I could from the bartender. He was talking a little bit after a couple minutes, so he seemed to be doing a lot better than when I found him.”
To thank her, the guy later wanted to share a night wtih her.
“Last night, I was on Grindr, and this guy messaged me about being the one who got him water.”
“I was like, yes, that was me. We had a brief conversation on the app.”
“We both sent explicit photos to each other before getting each other’s Snapchat and phone number.”
“He really wanted me to come to his Airbnb, where he was staying, since he’s visiting from Canada. This was very clearly to have sex, based on our messages.”
“He had mentioned he would have to sneak me in the back door so his friends wouldn’t see me because he’s very closeted.”
“I felt weird about the situation, and then he had stated it would just not look good if they saw me come over because it’s his bachelor party.”
The OP was shocked when she realized it was his bachelor weekend.
“I had no idea he was engaged and asked if he was the one getting married. He said yes in a couple of months.”
“I told him I felt really bad about the situation, and he said he thought I knew and that he was sorry.”
“I asked him to explain himself and make this right somehow.”
“I decided to look up his name on Facebook because he told me where he lived. I instantly found him and saw his fiancée’s name. I went to her Instagram profile because her Facebook was locked. I DM’d her on Instagram.”
“I can’t help but feel like I just ruined someone’s marriage, but at the same time, I am not the one who made those choices. If I were his fiancée, I would want to know, so I hope I’m doing the right thing.”
“Upon further investigation, he also has four sons with this beautiful woman. Please let me know if this is something I handled well?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thanked the OP for exposing someone’s questionable behavior.
“NTAH. As the former partner of cheaters, thank you.”
“You saved this woman from a divorce and possible future STIs.”
“If he is willing to meet a stranger to hook up, who knows how many times he has or will do it.”
“I’m taking the closeted issue out of the equation. Yes, I would want to know, but a cheater is a cheater, period.” – Brief-Composer-6663
“NTA. I’d want to know if this was someone I was getting married to.” – Karamist623
“Honestly, I’m proud of you for doing the right thing. I’d be grateful if someone saved me from marrying a cheat!” – Sexy_Worm
“NTA. Sometimes doing the right thing is a very hard thing to do. You saved that girl from embarrassment, hurt, humiliation, and wasting even MORE years of her time with this guy.”
“It would have had long-lasting damaging effects on her and her ability to have a relationship down the line, if it hasn’t already. With you telling her, hopefully it won’t be as severe as it could have been. Not to mention the impact on her children.”
“I’m sorry he’s closeted and doesn’t feel comfortable coming out. But that doesn’t give him the right to use someone, five someones, like this.” – Ginger_spice_smudge
“As someone who was with a gay man for two years prior to finding his Grindr account and the messages proving his infidelity.”
“NTA, and I wish someone had done this for me. At least I found out prior to getting married to him. Being a beard sucks! Feeling unloved and unwanted, and lied to about it, constantly making you feel idiotic. You rock!” – lalalydiarae81
“It was either this or 15 years down the line, after they potentially have kids that he’s resented their entire lives, and no one knows why, you are a kween amongst losers, and you aren’t the AH.”
“Also, those were horrid people for ignoring anyone ill at a bar. We’re all human, so help people out.” – Effective-Lime-1370
Others simply reassured the OP that she did the right thing.
“Good for you, you did the right thing. NTA.” – Ok-Catch-5813
“You did the right thing. HE destroyed the relationship, not you.” – gdognoseit
“I loathe cheating, but I especially do after reading a story where someone did this, and the wife DIED from an STD and left her kids behind… No, there are consequences to actions, and she doesn’t deserve this.”
“He destroyed his own family. The OP saved everyone she could.” – Individual-Model8139
“NTA. He shouldn’t be getting married; he is putting on a fake facade. She deserves to know that her fiancé is closeted. You saved them a divorce and worse mental pain later, when she found out he was living a lie.” – CallingThatBS
“NTA. He ruined his marriage with his actions, not you. His poor fiancée and the kids, though. I’d rather she find out through a message than walk in on him, though, or one of her kids walk in.” – Kutleki
“NTA. She deserves to know who she’s marrying. You didn’t ruin it; he ruined it himself.”
“He’s already cheating on her and using her as a beard. It’s gonna suck for her, but it’ll give her the chance to make an informed choice about how she’s going to move forward.”
“That’s not a choice he was planning on giving her.” – seregwen5
“If they already had four children together, then it’s too late for her anyway. That really sucks.”
“I hate gay people to string along partners because they are scared to come out. Just stay single. Why are you destroying the lives of five other people?!”
“As for you, you’re NTA. He had plenty of time to come out. He deserves to be outed because he is a cheater and a user and not the father his kids think he is.” – Future-Agency543
“NTA. He would have continued to risk her health. She deserves to know. I saw a comment on Reddit the other day, where the husband was a cheater, and his wife died from aids, which she caught from him. Not every STD is curable.”
“If he’s going to have a beard, or a lavender marriage, the woman should know.”
“He ruined his own life. Not you.” – iknowsomethings2
“You were honest. You let his fiancée know she’s being cheated on.”
“He needed to be honest with her and hasn’t been. I feel profoundly sorry for the heartache she’ll likely experience, but that isn’t your fault or doing; it’s totally on him.”
“NTA.” – Apart-Ad-6518
“NTA. Good for you. You saved another woman from unwittingly making the worst mistake of her life.”
“The thing about delivering a message to someone is that once delivered, your role is done. What that person now does with the message is up to her.”
“Her man was taking all of her choices away from her by lying and cheating. That she is now able to make decisions based on things she did not know is now hers to make.” – OogyBoogy_I_am
After receiving feedback, the OP was more certain about what she had done than before.
“Update: For all of you that seem to think I’m nosy or something, mind you, I have a part in this, sure, but I did not willingly engage in a partnered man. He lied and deceived not only me, but his fiancée. Stop blaming me for his s**tty actions.”
“Also, to clear the air. From the discussion I’ve had with his fiancée, she had no idea, and there weren’t ‘arrangements’ between them. He has violated his monogamous oath to her and his family.”
“I actually withheld the details that I was Trans as long as I could until she started asking for screenshots and details, so it’s in our messages.”
“She has actually been so appreciative that I said something. She was skeptical at first, naturally, but she is now very relieved, it seems. Heartbroken, sure, but when I tell you he’s the problem, not me, I wish more of you would listen.”
“If I were the problem, she’d be blaming me, but she’s been so kind and communicative, and she’s making plans for what she and her kids should do next, so y’all need to stop blaming me for merely being the catalyst of the truth.”
The subReddit recognized what a complicated situation this was, and while they felt for the man who clearly had a lot of things to sort out and come to terms with, stringing along the mother of his children and convincing her to marry him was not the way to do it.
It’d be one thing if the pair had come to an agreement, but the fact that they hadn’t, and they had kids together, and were set to get married soon, his partner deserved to have all of the information before walking down that aisle.