Being adopted isn’t always easy.
To the outside world, it looks like an adopted child has won the lottery.
But far too often, that’s not the case.
Not every adoption story is smiles and candy.
A young man found himself in a personal dilemma regarding his adoptive parents and their plans for his college future; so he turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Redditor Kellixtry asked:
“AITAH for asking my adoptive parents if they have a college fund for me, as they have for my sister?’
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (17 M[ale]) was adopted as an infant.”
“My parents were in their late 30s and had tried to have bio kids for years.”
“It didn’t happen for them for more than a decade, so they looked at infant adoption.”
“My birth parents chose them to be my parents.”
“My parents were present at my birth, and my adoptive mom held my birth mom’s hand as I was born.”
“Then I went home with my adoptive parents, and the rest was history.”
“Three years after they adopted me, my parents found out my adoptive mom was pregnant with my sister (14 F[emale]).”
“I don’t know if they treated me differently after that or if they were always a little less in love with me than some adopted kids get.”
“But I always felt that my sister was the clear favorite and their real child.”
“My parents adore her.”
“They spoil her.”
“She got all the cute nicknames like little sweetheart, baby star, to name a couple of them.”
“They were also really obsessed with how much she looked like a perfect mix of the two of them.”
“Mom’s eye color and nose, dad’s hair color, and round face, and other features.”
“A few of my cousins used to rub it in real good that my parents had their real kid now, and if they could send me back, they would.”
“My family knew they said it, but nobody ever seemed to care very much.”
“I didn’t get cuddles and kisses like my sister, didn’t get the quality time with each of my parents as she did, didn’t get crazy spoiled like her either.”
“They didn’t completely ignore me, and I did get gifts.”
“But they spent less on me and bought less for me, too.”
“Maybe it was the fact I’m a guy, and she’s a girl, I don’t know.”
“I told my parents a few times that I felt left out, and they didn’t change anything or acknowledge it was true or not true. “
“It was just like, oh, and then they moved on.”
“My sister noticed the difference, and she’d make fun of it.”
“She used to say she wished she had a real sibling and not a fake one.”
“Or how our cousins were her real family and not me.”
“A year ago, I found out my parents had a huge college fund for my sister.”
“They were talking to my aunt (mom’s sister) about it and how they had invested in a few things and taken from their savings for it.”
“They never mentioned having one for me, which stung, and I thought about it a lot.”
“I got asked in school if I had money or if I would be getting help from my parents for college, and I never knew what to say.”
“I told them I didn’t think so, and then financial aid was discussed.”
“I reached out to my birth parents a few months ago, too (my parents gave me their names and info they had), and they don’t want a relationship with me.”
“My parents said they expected as much but figured it wasn’t their place to say.”
“They didn’t comfort me or anything, and my sister said I had four parents who didn’t want me, so I must be broken.”
“Two weeks ago, my parents asked me to speak to my guidance counselor about how busy they are and tell her she should talk college stuff with me and not them.”
“I figured she wanted to find out about the money, and that’s why she wanted to talk to them.”
“It got to me, and I asked them if they had a college fund for me, as they have for my sister.”
“They asked me how I knew about it and got mad at me for asking the question.”
“I asked them why they’d make sure she has one but not me when I’ll be going to college first, and they asked me why I was asking questions that are none of my business.”
“It made me feel like s**t, and since that day, there’s a whole lot of tension in the house, and my sister is rubbing it in that she gets a college fund and I don’t.”
“My parents never said either way, but not saying anything is basically an answer, right?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITAH?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
“NTAH, it is 100% your business whether or not you have a college fund, and the fact that your parents are trying to tell you it’s not is frankly quite bizarre.”
“Whether they do or don’t could drastically impact your life.”
“They chose to be your parents the moment you were born.”
“They don’t get to just back out of important responsibilities that come with having a kid just because they had another one, and I’m so sorry that they’re enabling the behavior from your sister and cousins.” ~ ShapeShifterPlayz
“OP, I work for a university, and my daughter is college-aged.”
“Please do yourself a favor and contact the financial aid department of your local university or college and see if they can help you out.”
“Start looking online for scholarships and apply to as many as you can.”
“Also consider getting a full-time job at the college and attending part-time because our college offers 6 credit hours per semester free for employees, so I’m sure others do too.”
“You can also apply for federal work study.”
“I’m so sorry your parents are this way.”
“Please don’t let it stop you from furthering your education.” ~ FlyFlirtyandFifty
“My heart broke to read your post.”
“I want to shake these people and ask them how they could be so cruel.”
“They chose you, and having another baby after you doesn’t change their responsibility.”
“You are definitely NTA.”
“See if your guidance teacher can go after them for their callousness.” ~ MapleHaggisNChips
“The things your family has said to you are so horrible. NTA.” ~ AlwaysHelpful22
“I am very sorry, OP.”
“I wish you had been given to better people.”
“Please try not to let all this have an impact on you.”
“And try to be independent as soon as possible so that you won’t have to spend one more hour in the presence of this family of a**holes.” ~ Neither_Teaching_438
“OP, my heart is with you.”
“You are not only NTA — you are worthy, you are lovable, you are good.”
“You need to get out of there, get on your own feet, and never look back.”
“You can do this.”
“I’m cheering for you.” ~ NoAbbreviations5157
“Look into every possible financial aid you can for college, even research jobs that you can apply for near where you would be going once you are closer to the time.”
“Minimize your belongings to only the essentials that you can take with you when you leave.”
“Once you get to college, stop reaching out to your parents unless they reach out first.”
“Basically, minimise the role they can have in your life, sounds like they won’t notice or care.”
“You deserve better, bro.”
“Go find better.” ~ darthpimpin69
“NTA. But your adopted family is gutter trash.”
“You might need to go into some debt to pay for your education.”
“You’re 17, tell them if they don’t intend to help you financially, they need to immediately stop claiming you on their taxes.”
“This will impact you with financial aid.”
“At 18, you can go no contact and choose your family going forward.” ~ Iammine4420
“I’m so sorry!!”
“I have an adopted daughter and treat her no differently than my other kids.”
“Your parents are awful people!!!”
“I wish I could give you a big old dad hug because they don’t sound like good people.”
“Stick your head up high and try to get ahead in life, knowing they might not be there for you!!!”
“You are loved buddy!!” ~ badgerswin1
“Can’t say anything about the college fund, but when your sister makes fun of getting everything, you can say she will have to take care of her parents get older.”
Tell them that this time is an investment for the future.”
“They are investing in her and not you.”
“You will have minimal responsibility later. NTA.” ~ Large-Client-6024
“Wow… NTAH 100000000000%.”
“This is crazy, and I’m so deeply sorry that your PARENTS and FAMILY treat you this way.”
“I can’t believe your cousins and even your sister say these things.”
“It is 100% your business to know if you have a college fund or not.”
“I’m really hoping that you get good financial aid, and when you’re financially able to cut them off, you do.”
“They do not seem like family you want to keep around.” ~ HistoricalPumpkin513
“NTA. I believe you need to start planning for a life without your adoptive parents.”
“I don’t believe they love or care about you anymore.”
“I’m so sorry.” ~ Egbezi
Reddit has your back, OP.
You deserve so much better.
Try to keep your chin up.
One day, you won’t have to rely on these people anymore.
Good Luck.