Redditor concerned_worker is an Asian woman who with her non-Asian husband is planning to renew their vows for their tenth wedding anniversary.
The renewal ceremony involves a trip abroad. And although they are paying for her parents to join them, her in-laws will be out of the picture due to a rift in their relationship.
But now that her husband is giving her the silent treatment, she started second-guessing her stance on the family conflict.
She visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for refusing to invite my racist in-laws though they ‘apologized?'”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“When my husband and I got married a decade ago, we had no money and so really couldn’t afford much. My husband felt so bad about it all because unlike me he comes from money, but because his family was against our marriage (I’m Asian, he’s White), they completely cut him off.”
“For the record, I wasn’t expecting financial assistance from them, but it hurt that just because I’m Asian, they thought I was with my husband only for the money. Naturally we haven’t had any contact with his side of the family since.
“Well for our upcoming tenth wedding anniversary, we can now afford to splurge a little so we’ve decided to have a vow renewal ceremony in style.”
“Given how terrible it has been mentally for all of us over the last two years, we decided on a trip abroad to relax, have fun, and just enjoy a vacation with those closest to us.”
“And because my parents wouldn’t be able to afford to come otherwise, we’ve gifted the entire trip to them as a thank you for everything they’ve done for us.”
“Somehow his family has learned that, hey, not only am I not a gold digger but that my husband and I are doing well for ourselves and are about to celebrate our 10th anniversary.”
“They reached out to us with an ‘apology’ and an offer of a gaudy monstrosity of a ring to use for our vow renewal ceremony. I’m not interested in their token non-apology and certainly have no intention of wearing something that’s not at all to my tastes just for the sake of familial harmony.”
“Plus my engagement ring was a gift from my mom – it was my gran’s engagement ring that my mom also wore so it has incredible sentimental value.”
“My husband was behind me 100% until he learned from his sister that his grandmother was dying and that she wished to mend things with him.”
“I reluctantly agreed to the visit but made sure we came to an agreement on a few things beforehand – including how his family aren’t invited to our vow renewal and I’m not wearing their ring.”
“Unfortunately she passed before we could visit, and his family have been hounding and guilt-tripping both of us ever since, trying to get us to invite them to our ceremony. I refused but my husband’s wavering.”
“He kept saying they apologized (they haven’t really) and that we could educate them. When he wouldn’t let it go, I basically told him that since he’s not Asian, he has no right to accept an apology and extend forgiveness for racism perpetrated against an Asian, and that it’s not my responsibility to educate racists on why racism is wrong.”
“And honestly, my parents shouldn’t have to deal with racists on what should be a vacation. He said he understood and apologized to me, but he’s been distant.”
“I don’t want to go ahead with our trip when things are so awkward between us, but everyone has already committed financially and we can’t afford to refund them all. And I’m now wondering if I’m an a**hole for not trying harder with his family.”
Strangers were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole in the situation.
“NTA. It’s pretty extreme to go from “no contact for 10 years” to ‘let’s all go on a vacation together.’ I think its very reasonable to do the trip as planned with your parents.”
“And if your husband is wanting to reconnect with his family, maybe start with a lunch, not a vacation.” – dragonfly_c
“NTA- they didn’t apologize they see a moment of hey ‘free vacation’! Don’t backdown at all on this and make that clear to your husband.”
“Racism doesn’t go away and it’ll still be there in the in-laws. They’re only trying to make amends after seeing what you’re doing for your parents and want a free vacation. It’s a stretch but it’s going to be somewhat true in the long run watch.” – dannengvxcfgds
“NTA. They never sat down and reflected on their racist judgment of you.”
“They never learned anything about themselves and their preconceptions.”
“They just waited too long to keep insisting they were right. Their change of tune is a reaction to your external circumstances, not their internal growth.” – StAlvis
“NTA. They’ve made NO effort to have contact with you both until now? (Not about not paying for the wedding because parents aren’t obliged to, but because they went NC with their own son because he married you? Is that correct?)”
“If so, they are utter AHs and you owe them nothing. They’re still his parents, though and he’s struggling. Suggest a couples counselor who may be able to help him see things clearly and ensure this doesn’t destroy your marriage. He can go visit his parents as he chooses.)” – dustypinksun
The OP responded:
“Yes, they cut off all contact because he wanted to marry an Asian woman. And I think that’s where I’m struggling – because if they were genuinely sorry, they would’ve apologized to me, apologized for all the horrible things they said to me and all the racist remarks they spat at my face.”
“Instead, their ‘apology’ was only to my husband, and even then they tried to justify it by claiming they were just trying to protect him. And the fact that he seems to accept that as a sufficient apology, as though that’s enough, isn’t okay.”
“I’m honestly not sure if I can look at him the same way if wants to maintain a relationship with such racists just because they’re his parents.”
Another concerned Redditor said:
“NTA. His parents want to make amends on THEIR terms. They can’t jump from ‘not white enough for our son’ to ‘let’s vacation together,’ in one jump.”
“There is no reason apologies, getting to know each other, etc. can’t happen when you get back from your trip.”
“But talk to your husband about his grief and loss.” – NYCQuilts
In response, the OP wrote:
“I honestly don’t even know why they want to come to our vow renewal, frankly. Thanks for your suggestion of meeting up with them afterwards – I’ll see if my husband will be more receptive to that since my repeated attempts at trying to have a conversation with him has been going nowhere.”
“Someone suggested he seek counseling and I think that’s a good idea too.”
Many other Redditors recommended the OP meet her in-laws for reconciliation instead of caving in and bringing them along for the trip.
Hopefully, the husband will come around and understand why the ordeal was particularly upsetting for the OP.