The urge to ask our friends for favors can be high when money is a factor, particularly when certain talented friends can provide a valuable service at little to no cost.
This practice tends to rear its head notably around weddings. If you’re a decent singer, seamstress, gardener, or baker, chances are you may be tapped for your services as a gift to the happy couple.
But when does such a request cross the line? And are there instances when speaking up about your discomfort also goes too far?
Redditor Throwaway_ThatCake recently sparked some drama with a friend of hers who is getting married, so she turned to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) to see if any of her actions were wrong.
She asked:
“AITA for rescinding my offer to bake cakes for my friends wedding and potentially ruining their relationship?”
The original poster (OP) explained how her friend hoped to capitalize on her baking skills for her upcoming nuptials.
“To preface, this wedding wasn’t going to happen until [the pandemic] clears up. I’ll be using fake names.”
“Those involved are me [22F(emale)], the bride/friend Cassie [24F] and her fiancé Adam [25M(ale)].”
“Cassie has always loved my cakes and asked me to make 8 for her wedding late last year. We agreed they’d be one-tier cakes to be used as table centerpieces, I loved the idea!”
“We agreed that they’d be decorated a particular way that wasn’t too elaborate. I was happy with the arrangement and super excited by the prospect!”
But the OP balked when the bride asked her to put in a lot more work than she was comfortable doing.
“Early January she decided she wanted three-tier cakes instead and wanted them decorated much more intricately, the intricacy wanted is nowhere near my ability.”
“I don’t really have the free time to learn how to do it either, I have a lot on my plate in my day to day life and I knew even doing the one-tier cakes would be a little tricky but absolutely manageable!”
“I politely said I couldn’t do that and tried to offer a compromise. I offered to find a way to do three-tier cakes, but more simplistic than she’d have liked.”
“I also offered to get her in contact with a skilled friend of mine who I knew could do what she wanted, she’d have to pay but the price would’ve been extremely good and they’d be beautiful cakes. Worth every penny!”
The bride wasn’t having any of it.
“She got very angry at this compromise effort. She called me selfish and told me I was sabotaging her big day.”
“Then demanded I do it for her while getting a few of her friends to send me rude and disheartening messages.”
“This was heartbreaking for me but I told her I could no longer do the cakes and she got angrier. We haven’t talked since that until yesterday.”
“I received a message yesterday, acting like nothing happened, asking me to do the cakes again because I owed her. She said I’d be a useless friend if I didn’t.”
“I declined and she chewed me out again saying things that were unnecessary and I’d rather not repeat.”
When the OP alerted the groom to his fiancée’s bullying behavior, it only sparked more drama.
“I’d had enough, this had already been stressful for me and I hated being dragged into it.”
“I messaged Adam sending him some screenshots asking if he’d please make her stop lashing out. She was hurting but I didn’t deserve the things said.”
“I didn’t get a reply until today where he apologized profusely. He told me she’d done this to another friend before me and this was ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’ for him and he was going to call off the wedding until they’d been to counseling together.”
“I thanked him for being understanding but a few hours later Cassie and her friends started harassing and threatening me. It’s been horrible.”
“My boyfriend is urging me to cut out Cassie but I can’t help feeling like an a**hole. If I made time to learn this whole situation wouldn’t be happening, so does that make me the a**hole?”
“Am I being selfish? He’s reassured me that I’m not but I could really do with an outside perspective.”
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
They assured the OP that her friend was TA here, not her.
“I’ve seen a lot of wtf wedding drama on here, but this one takes the…nevermind.”
“NTA.”—Dszquphsbnt
“This is exactly wtf drama and OP needs to send one text: ‘Stop harassing me or I will call the police for harassment’, that needs to be the end of it.”
“If she or her friends doesn’t stop call the police you have all the texts to back it up.”—italy2986
“I’ve got to laugh at this person’s logic.”
“‘My fiancé has noticed I make a habit of harassing people unreasonably. For this, he has left me. Imma harass you about it.'”—Neurotic_Bakeder
“Bridezilla may not be the kind of person who is capable of learning lessons….”—SoybeanArson
“Eight three-tier cakes! That’s a *minimum* of 48 separate pans baked, trimmed, leveled, maybe torted, filled, crumb-coated, topcoated, decorated, and then stacked…”
“I’m doing *one* three-tier cake, for my own wedding, and I have literally been practicing for a year and a half. Eight? F**k right off.”—RememberKoomValley
“NTA”
“You are in no way the a**hole here. You offered a fair pleasant compromise and I think she is clearly the a**hole for how she’s been acting.”
“And Adam was already looking for reasons to slow this wedding down, that was not your fault at all.”—mikey_weasel
“NTA. Your boyfriend is right. Cassie is not your friend.”
“And honestly, Adam is making the right call by postponing the wedding at all.”—FunOnAita
The OP may want to rethink the friendship.
“I feel like I’ve seen this same kind of thing a number of times where someone agrees to do something for a friend and then the friend completely changes what they want to be way more elaborate and expects the other person to come through when (in many cases) they literally can’t do it.”
“Honestly it sounds like OP is dodging a bullet with this friend if that’s how she has reacted to this, and even the fiancé can see this behavior is crazy.”
“NTA and she owes you an apology at the very least. Also calling someone a ‘useless friend’?? Are all her friends supposed to provide services to benefit her?”—yellowjaquet
“NTA”
“Block her. Block all her minions. You do not need this kind of harassment in your life.”—WritPositWrit
“NTA and you shouldn’t feel like one. You very well could’ve saved this guy from a toxic marriage and them going to counseling is great news.”
“The fact that she thinks she can keep being nasty to you is beyond me. Cut her out of your life.”
“I wish to have friends that are willing to compromise or even bake a cake for me, I’d be over the moon and honored if anyone offered even the simplest of cakes for my wedding. There are better people out there and know your value.”
“The way her and her friends are acting is disgusting and it isn’t justified by ‘stress of a wedding’ umm….no, you don’t get to treat people like sh*t and demand sh*t because you’re getting married.”—Still_According
“I cannot emphasize how much NTA you are. You agreed to make cakes as a favor to Cassie. She wanted more than you had the skills to provide.”
“You even tried to compromise with her and say you’d make three-tier cakes that were simpler. Instead of being grateful, she and her friends sent you rude messages.”
“Your actions didn’t cause her fiancé to call off the wedding; her own actions did that.”
“Adam is seeing a pattern of behavior from her that shows a very unflattering side, and he’s totally justified in questioning their relationship. And in response, Cassie and her friends start threatening you.”
“You have consistently been a far better friend to Cassie than she deserves. I think your boyfriend is right about cutting her out of your life.”
“For the sake of your physical and mental health, block her number.”—Puzzleheaded-Hurry26
After her post went viral, the OP added an update, letting everyone know she took their advice, saying:
“Cassie is now cut out. As are her friends. People saying I was being a doormat were completely right and those few saying I need therapy also were.”
“I’ve been actively looking for a therapist I click with. I used to be good at recognizing behavior akin to this but lockdowns have taken a toll on my mental health.”
“A few people mentioned a contract style situation with a “friend discount”! I’ll definitely do some thinking on that idea to try and help avoid situations like this happening again.”
“For those saying I shouldn’t have contacted Adam, I did on the sole basis that this was his wedding as well. I stand by my choice to contact him.”
“For those mentioning getting the police involved, if any further threats happen I will. I’ve documented everything that’s happened so far just in case.”
“Thank you again for taking the time to hear me out, support me and give judgement! I really appreciate it!”
We’re glad to hear the OP decided to take action, and her friend got her just “desserts.”
Hopefully the next friend who asks for her services treats her with the respect she deserves.