There’s no doubt that we feel incredible love for our closest friends.
But there’s a firm line between what is appropriate friendship behavior and what is not.
Sometimes it can take years for the victimized to see the issue, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor FatAmyCheeks just started waking up to what was happening in her oldest friendship because of a visit they had after a long time apart.
But when she was criticized for how she handled the situation, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong to hold her boundaries.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not sharing my bed with my best friend?”
The OP struggled with her friendship after getting engaged.
“Cassie (28 [female]) is my (29 [female]) oldest friend and we have been through a lot together.”
“Our relationship got a bit strained when I met my now-husband (31 [male]) and got a bit more strained when she realized he was serious about me and wasn’t going anywhere.”
“Well, she doesn’t like my husband, she thinks he’s too possessive and hogs me from her (I don’t travel as much as I used to because we’re saving for a home).”
“My husband doesn’t like her either, he thinks she’s clingy and immature (she made up stories at the beginning of my husband and I’s relationship so I would leave him).”
“It was draining being in the middle of it all but we made it work.”
“I went LC (low-contact) with her till she apologized to me and my husband.”
“They still avoid each other, and I keep each relationship separate so everything works out.”
The OP decided to have a friend weekend to try to make amends.
“We just got married 3 months ago and I haven’t seen her since the wedding.”
“My husband traveled out of town for business and urged me to invite her for the weekend so we can spend time together or something like that.”
“We live in a 2-bedroom apartment and we made our master’s bedroom very cozy. That doesn’t mean the guest room isn’t nice, just not as nice as ours.”
Cassie made a surprising suggestion when she arrived.
“My Best friend came over and I showed her to the guest room. She came into our own room and asked that we sleep in the master’s room together like old times.”
“We used to rent a 1-bedroom apartment back in the day and we used to share a bed, but that was a long time ago.”
“I didn’t want my husband to freak out because I let her sleep in our bed, and honestly, I didn’t want to either, so I told her no.”
Cassie didn’t appreciate the OP’s rejection.
“Well, she threw a tantrum and told me she was waiting for this day, and I was just shoving her aside and choosing my husband over her.”
“She grabbed her things and left, and then blocked me when I tried calling and texting.”
“But now she has our other friends calling me mean and saying I’m reading too much meaning into sharing a bed and now I’m rethinking everything.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some insisted the OP was right to stand by her boundaries.
“NTA. You’re an adult, you don’t have to explain why you don’t want to share your bed. Your friend has shown some very very toxic manipulative traits. Go NC.”
“Her ignoring you and poisoning your mutual friends toward you is another manipulative tactic.”
“Also, you’ve given her a few chances, and kudos to your hubby for also being ok with her as your friend but honestly, it’s time to cut ties. Longevity doesn’t justify s**tty behavior.” – JschexxxyOG
“NTA. If sharing a bed is no big deal, why is she flipping out like this over you saying, ‘I’d rather not, thanks’? You get to decide who you want in your bedroom, period.”
“If the rest of the friend group doesn’t grasp this, maybe it’s time to make new friends.” – mm172
“NTA. You are allowed to want to sleep in separate beds as an adult with enough beds to accommodate everyone. It’s a weird request, even if it is 100% nostalgic.”
“The fact that’s she turned it into a whole thing involving your friends… that’s highly suspicious. She sounds super dramatic and is definitely TA.” – MGS314MGS314
Others agreed and questioned the best friend’s behavior.
“NTA. She sounds like a petulant toddler. When people grow up, things change. I don’t see my friends or travel as much anymore – we just recognize that sometimes that’s what happens when we get jobs, husbands, more responsibilities, and kids.”
“Furthermore, anytime someone is uncomfortable with something, it’s okay to say no. She needs to learn to accept a ‘no.’ Instead, she tried to manipulate you via guilt trip. I think your husband is right – she sounds very immature.” – designated_floater
“Is she also getting validation from other friends/family in being a victim of you in dropping her as a friend for your husband?”
“Her immediate drama makes me think she just wants to use this latest rejection as one more way to become the focus of everyone’s support and hype-ups.”
“You’re the bad guy and she’s been wronged. Sounds like some people I know.” – ButLikeSeriously
“Ok soooo let’s map this out, shall we?:”
“She wants you all to herself.”
“She made up stories about your husband, hoping you’d break up.”
“She threw a tantrum because you wouldn’t share your marital bed with her.”
“She blocked you when you stood your ground.”
“She turned friends against you by probably making up some outlandish lie…”
“Hon, she either is in love with you, or she has really serious boundary issues.”
“You honestly don’t need that in your life, and she may be your oldest friend, but it doesn’t seem to be a healthy friendship because she’s doing this.”
“NTA and try and cut your losses before she does more damage, you know?”
“Good luck with everything and congratulations on your marriage.” – Educational-Friend47
Some even posited that the friend might be “in love” with the OP.
“Seems pretty obvious to me. The jealousy about you getting serious with your husband, trying to get you to break up, distancing herself when after your wedding, expecting you two were gonna share a bed when it wasn’t necessary and then getting angry when you wouldn’t agree…”
“She is straight-up in love with you, and is upset that you’re not gonna return those feelings.” – l3gi0n-1183
“NTA. And I honestly don’t necessarily think she’s in love, but she’s pushing HARD to be more important than your husband.”
“Not uncommon late teens/early twenties, but she’s now a grown-a** woman that needs to grow up.”
“You two clicked, then your husband and you clicked… nuclear family level. It’s more important. She still has the mindset she was there first and should be more important.”
“Or, she’s in love.” – HealthyBox5
“You’re enmeshed in this relationship and it probably seems like usual friend behavior to you, because it’s just how she is! But this is a case where an outside perspective can cut through a lot of the fluff and get to the heart of the issue, which is this:”
“Your friend – who has tried everything and more to get you and your husband to split up – had been ‘waiting for the day’ when she gets to share your bed again.”
“Do you see why we’re all positive that she’s in love with you?”
“That is not how someone acts who is ‘just friends.’ I can’t think of a single person in my circle of friends and acquaintances who would behave this way toward me (or any other of their friends).”
“This is not ‘friend’ behavior. This is ‘romantic interest’ behavior.”
“Possibly the worst part of it is that, although your signals appear to have been very clear, she has not and does not accept that you are not interested. That’s not great. If she lived closer I might be concerned about her stalker potential, since it sounds like she has built up y’all’s relationship in her mind to something that it isn’t.” – FeuerroteZora
Though the OP felt terrible for hurting her friend’s feelings, and she felt conflicted because of her friend circle’s reaction to what happened, the subReddit insisted she was in the right.
Not only was the friend’s behavior questionable, concerning even, but we always have a right to say what can and cannot happen in our own homes, perhaps especially our beds.