Many of us set up temporary or creative living arrangements during the pandemic, and now that things are starting to get better, some people are changing up their living arrangements again.
A woman’s boyfriend recently came up with a highly unexpected suggestion on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor perky-scungili found herself having to choose between living with her friend and roommate, or her long-term boyfriend.
When her boyfriend’s reaction surprised her, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was in the wrong.
She asked the sub:
“AITA? My BF (boyfriend) wants me to ask my roommate to move out, so he can move in, and I said no.”
The OP moved in with her friend during the pandemic last year.
“I (24 [Female]) live in NYC with a roommate (22 [female]) in a pretty large apartment. It’s a sweet setup because my dad owns the building.”
“Essentially I am covering utilities and she covers a small chunk of rent.”
“We have been living here for a year, but I have known her since she was 19 and we shared an internship opportunity (twice actually!).”
“I ended up moving to my dad’s building around a year ago during the hot [pandemic] summer of ‘20.”
“My roommate lived in the area where I moved to with her parents, and she’s been in that spot for her whole life.”
“It was only fate/obviousness that I ask her to be my roommate. No one wants to live alone through quarantine!”
The OP was also dating a guy, though they were on a break when she moved.
“All through this, I have been dating my boyfriend (22 [Male]) for 4 years.”
“We were not together when I moved here because we were going through a rough patch.”
“I thought things were going great, until right now.”
Then the OP’s boyfriend made an unexpected suggestion.
“He got into a small argument with his very nice, but very overbearing parents, who he currently lives with.”
“While texting me, he was basically asking why I haven’t asked my roommate to move out already and have him move in.”
“I was shocked! That’s no reason for me to kick out a good friend/roommate.”
“I understand that I have been pestering him about moving in together, but I never offered this place, I was always wanting our own space together.”
“It wasn’t even an option in the back of my mind because that ship sailed when he chose to not be together (I got dumped) when I moved here.”
The boyfriend didn’t see it that way.
“He turned this around on me and basically said I was ‘choosing her over him’ and ‘The fact that I wouldn’t offer and that he had to ask is ridiculous’.”
“This is the longest relationship I have been in (him too) and I am feeling like a little bit of an AH.”
“He wants us to take the next step in our relationship and be really close, and I want that too.”
“We have been so close over the last 4 years and I consider him my best friend.”
“But on the other hand, I think this puts me in a really bad position with my friend!”
The OP was feeling conflicted.
“At this point, I don’t know if he is gaslighting me, or genuinely is this self-centered to not think about all the other moving parts?”
“Or am I just being too harsh on someone who is trying to live together?”
“And I truly mean all that in the most earnest, answer-seeking, A**hole-evaluating mood. Please help.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned about the boyfriend’s reaction.
“The fact that he is being kind of manipulative to get his way suggests that he is used to getting his way by guilting people. A very childish move and one people tend to have when their roommates thus far have been the people who raised them and therefore put up with more crap than an adult roommate would.”
“Don’t kick out your roommate. Tell him she is paying rent and has every right to be there. Also, say it’s not fair to your dad who just gave you the option to get back on your feet and probably needs the rental income from the property.”
“Discuss other options like him getting his own place or the two of you getting your own place and going 50/50 on everything. If he balks at this, then it’s clear that he basically wants a free ride and not an opportunity to take the relationship to the next level.”
“Sorry to say this OP, but I learned this one the hard way and wasted 6 years on a relationship like this: when a relationship is meant to level up neither party has to push or drag the other into it.”
“Once I broke free of the stagnant relationship I met my forever guy and we got engaged within a year. Now happily married for 5. If you find yourself having to force things, the better step is often a big step back and reexamine what is really going on.” – Ill_Astronaut_41
“He’s already pressuring you and guilting you on this – imagine how he’d be with chores or cooking? Especially after living with his parents, who presumably do most of the work and pay for most things at their place. I’d be upset with having that energy in my home.” – franklytanked
“NTA. Just because you spent four years with him doesn’t mean you need to spend another four. He’s being aggressive about this, which is unacceptable. He should be talking to you about solutions and being together.”
“Unless he can afford to pay half the rent in a different apartment, don’t let him move in because he’s a deadbeat looking for a gravy train.” – Fredredphooey
Others agreed and thought the boyfriend had ulterior motives.
“OP, you say he’s your best friend, yet you doubt his intentions? You think he might be manipulating you? It sounds like trust is lacking here and it’s because of his actions. And from what you said, I don’t trust him either.”
“Trust is so important. Is he someone who fills a space and feels comfy to have, or is he someone you truly love? Because otherwise… Why are you with a guy you don’t trust?”
“NTA” – Happy-Investment
“He is trying to go from one caregiver (his parents) to another (you) without having to do any of the maturing that comes with sorting out your own place. You are not responsible for him and are not his new parent.” – ohno_spaghetti_o
“NTA. I don’t think he’s wanting to take your relationship to the next level, he just wants out of his parents’ place. Don’t jeopardize your friendship for him.”
“How about he gets his own place and show he’s an adult by shouldering that responsibility? Then maybe in a couple of more years you might discuss moving to the next level.”
“It doesn’t have to be moving in. It could be getting engaged and married before living together. There are options.” – Janetaz18
Some thought the boyfriend should definitely live alone for a while.
“You can’t see how he would be to live with if he lives at home.”
“Does he do laundry, cook, do the dishes, clean the bathroom, etc? Is he neat, or is he a slob? Does he pick up after himself?”
“If not, he would probably expect you (as a female) to take care of those things for him.”
“That would be a nightmare for you!” – SmartFX2001
“NTA. Let me put it to you this way…”
“Even though you were living in your dad’s building, you’re covering utilities, and your roommate is covering at least a small portion of rent. The two of you are taking your steps out into the big wide world, small though they may be.”
“Your boyfriend hasn’t put in any kind of work to do this. He is living with his parents, I know he wants to live with you. That is not adulting. He is wanting to go from one safe haven to another without putting in any of the work. He is in essence, still a kid, regardless of his age.”
“If you guys had been discussing this… Moving in together… It would be one thing. But what your boyfriend has done is basically gotten annoyed at living with his parents, who of course are responsible for their home.”
“And since he’s annoyed, he wants to come and live with you now. Again… no trying to figure out his options, no taking responsibility for his situation…”
“Just wanting to be bailed out because he doesn’t like his living situation. If anyone else asked you to do this, what would your response be? It should be no different for him.”
“Once he has shown you that he can be independent and take care of himself, if you were still together and want to move in together, you can have that discussion. But until then, you would not be gaining a roommate. You would be gaining a dependent.”
“Stand your ground, and tell him this is not happening. Let him know you understand his frustration, but that he is going to have to figure his own thing out as far as his living situation because you are happy with yours, and you have no plans to move in together at this time.” – mtngrl60
The OP was incredibly surprised by her boyfriend’s suggestion of kicking her friend out of her apartment and even more surprised by his reaction when she said she wouldn’t do it.
The subReddit took this as a sign that the relationship may not be going as well as the OP hoped, or that the boyfriend at least needed to live on his own before moving in with her, so he could appreciate their relationship more.