People say being a parent is a gift.
But the act of parenting can be very stressful.
All children have different requirements and needs.
Children are not a monolith.
And parents have to learn to adapt quickly, or there can be tremendous fallout.
Redditor Notsogoodreason wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for letting him eat what he cooked?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Myself (35 F[emale]) and my spouse (38 M[ale]) are the parents of a 5-year-old N[euro]D[ivergent] kid."
"My husband refuses to educate himself on that topic."
"At the same time, he has recently admitted how much he hates my tendencies to micromanage everything."
"I can understand that."
"Though I am the only one constantly assessing and anticipating our daughter's mental state in order to be able to regulate her nervous system and prevent avoidable meltdowns."
"Yet, in order to save our relationship, I am learning to keep my mouth shut."
"Today, our daughter returned home really overstimulated, so I let her draw and played some calm music to let her unwind."
"Later, my husband decided to play a video game, but our daughter wanted his attention, therefore he chose to show her the game."
"The game has a lot of visual and flashing effects."
"And as always, he turned the volume up."
"They were doing so for approx. an hour while I was tidying our daughter's bedroom."
"When he decided to quit the game, our five-year-old started being really dysregulated and difficult (having a hard time), and he could not get her to bathe."
"That's when he came to me to take over and… I decided to say no."
"Is it malicious to let him deal with the consequences when he perceives my recommendations as nagging?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for keeping him responsible for his choices?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Our therapist is adamant that I stop stepping in while my husband is parenting."
"I do it for exactly the same reasons you do: husband isn't educating himself, and the results can be escalating disregulation from both parties and meltdowns."
"He (my husband and yours) needs to learn to adjust his parenting style to the kid's needs."
"Do not expect a perfectly behaved adult in a ND child's body." ~ orangeflos
"I'm in the same boat."
"My husband seems to learn everything the hard way and tends to spiral into 'who can act the worst,' which is absolutely terrible, and I have to sort everything and everyone out."
"His fight or flight gets activated, and the default is 'burn it all to the ground and walk away.'"
"We're all learning how to regulate our emotions."
"My 5-year-old and husband are having the hardest time with it."
"He definitely has undiagnosed A[ttention]-D[eficit]/H[yperactivity] D[isorder] and is in denial about it."
"A 5-year-old is just a spoiled 8-year-old, and I seem to be the most self-aware."
"I'm just sad 8 ends up being more like an adult than she should be."
"It is a stress I had, and I want her to be a kid."
"I just wish therapy were more affordable and less taboo in my husband's culture 😮💨." ~ Charming-Court-6582
"Also teaching important lessons to the selfish child in the adult man's body."
"Why are so many of these stories about men who cannot participate in couple life?"
"Can't cook, can't clean, can't manage their lives or finances, can only look after children for brief periods." ~ krodders
"NTA - your daughter's behavior is a direct result of your husband's choice to play that video game that loudly for that long with her."
"You could have called it ahead of time, except that he says you micromanage him when you point out the future consequences of his actions."
"I'd have a conversation with him later when everyone is calm and make the following points..."
"When I see you starting down a path that will result in Jane being overstimulated, do you want me to stop you or say something?"
"If you do, I need to know what counts as micromanaging or nagging you."
"Whether you do or do not want me to intervene, you are Jane's father and should know at this point what will trigger her and cause this."
"You should also know at this point how to help her calm down, and it should not be my job to follow behind you and clean up the mess you make - especially when you say I'm nagging if I try to warn you."
"All of this happened because Jane wanted to spend time with you and you chose to play a video game instead of talking/playing/reading/watching TV/whatever with her." ~ DisneyBuckeye
"NTA. Your husband has refused to learn what makes your child dysregulated, how to calm her, how to parent a child with neurodivergence differently, etc."
"Letting him deal with the consequences of his actions is the only way he is going to learn."
"This isn't ignorance."
"It's him actively working against you and then passing off the issues when his way doesn't work."
"If you don't follow my advice, you don't get my help when things go wrong." ~ purplepeopletreater
"NTA, he needs to understand why you do what you do."
"But also, at 5, I hope you're starting to teach her techniques to self-regulate."
"Obviously, at 5, they can't do that much on their own, but you don't want to be constantly managing forever."
"I also have a neurodivergent kid, and it has taken a lot of effort and persistence, but they are 8 now and really showing growth in advocating for themself and better regulating their own needs."
"It has freed me of a lot of constant worry and stress and also given them a lot of pride in their own ability." ~ Various-Grape-6525
"NTA. The kid is half his, it's his job to educate himself on what her specific needs are."
"Or indeed, ANY parenting advice would tell him that high stimulation activities like that before bed aren't suitable for any child, much less an ND one."
"The only advice I'd offer is to tread carefully when/if he brings up how challenging bath time was."
"Despite being in the wrong, I doubt the lesson will land with him if it comes from a place of 'told you so', even if you know that's the case 😏." ~ Excellent-Willow-981
"NTA. Is this real?"
"A parent who doesn't work with their child's abilities is actually a form of abuse and setting her up to fail."
"WTF is wrong with him?"
"I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like a bigger child than your unregulated, neurospicy actual child, who is developing and needs help and guardrails." ~ Comeback_321
"Definitely NTA."
"It's F[*ck] A{round] F[ind] O[ut] time!"
"I have two autistic grandsons (they, their two sisters, and their parents live with me), and their dad is the absolute worst when it comes to time management."
"And if you remind him they need to be places, he gets really mad and says he doesn't need to be micromanaged."
"My daughter took the two girls out of town for a few days, so I've been stepping back and letting him take the lead on everything."
"The boys were late to school this morning!"
"It is an A[pplied] B[ehavior] A[nalysis] therapy, so insurance is really anal retentive about being late."
"But the only way that man is gonna understand how vital time and behavior management is would be for him to drop the ball a couple of times." ~ PhotographNo7832
"NTA. I am a father, and a gamer myself."
"He can do better than this."
"There are a number of games and gaming experiences you can share with your child that won't overstimulate a small child. "
"Age-appropriate content understanding is key."
"You gotta build up to games your husband is likely to play, and a kid watching vs a kid playing are two different types of cognitive processes."
"Gaming and gamifying tasks are a great way to help a neurodivergent kid develop, when approached properly (this was literally why MathBlasters was so effective)."
"Your husband can literally go from a lazy, non-present father into a paragon of your daughter's development if he just opens up this can of worms."
"Good luck getting him to see that."
"In the short run, it's a bit of work, but in the long term, your husband might gain a long-lasting rapport with his daughter, and also have a dedicated healer (depending on what games he's playing)."
"Side note: for using a metaphor as the title, you are kind of an AH." ~ thefaceinthepalm
"NTA, he is equally her parent."
"He will become more efficient and engaged with practice."
"I strongly recommend you plan for them to have long stretches of time alone, like a Dad-Daughter Saturday where they go out and do things or do home things together, just the two of them."
"I think you'll notice once he takes ownership of the role, he will be more present when you are together as a family as well, not automatically defaulting to you to parent." ~ FairyCompetent
"NTA, I think your husband is in denial."
"I think he's one of those people who believe that if they pretend the problem doesn't exist, somehow the problem will go away."
"He refuses to learn and does things that have negative outcomes, because to do otherwise means he must first accept reality."
"Accepting that reality is the exact thing he's trying to avoid." ~ Deep-Okra1461
"NTA. He wants to call it micromanaging when you warn him, then hand the fallout back to you when he overstimulates her, and that's not parenting, that's just making you the cleanup crew."
"Honestly, he needed to sit in that moment and deal with it, because your daughter is 5, not a tiny, inconvenient roommate." ~ babydollafter
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
It's time for your husband to step up.
You can't do this all alone.
And you can't be expected to clean up his messes.
Stand firm.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp