Redditor Business_Database251 is a 28-year-old female whose initial lovely evening with her 32-year-old boyfriend went south when he asked her a recurring question about her previous relationship.
When the heated discussion led to her accusing him of being narcissistic, he made a comment before going to bed that kept her up and left her wondering if she was going insane.
Seeking the internet in an attempt to validate her sanity, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for being upset by my bf(M32) telling me f(28) the guy I dated before him 'reflected poorly on him'??"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Bf and I have been together 3 years, it's been kind of tumultuous at times but hey life is tumultuous and we're in therapy and working through."
"Anyway it's a Saturday night and I'm in the kitchen making pizza, bf is having wine playing music talking to me everything is all good… he comes into the kitchen kisses me and tells me how much he loves me (really sweet moment) then the second he walks across the room and sits down he kind of looks at me sideways and asks (for the 35th time in our relationship)"
"So did you really not have sex with ex bf?"
"(Background on ex bf (M29) we dated for a year he actually had a health problem that made it extremely difficult to have sex so we didn't. I told my current bf that we didn't have sex multiple times when he asked… now that I'm thinking about it, it seems very weird how obsessed he was with asking BUT anyway)"
"I get sort of upset and say 'once again no we didn't and I'm starting to get upset you keep asking anyway why do you even care? We weren't together at that time so it wouldn't even matter? Why do I have to over explain myself?'"
"To which current bf replies 'because you never should have dated him he's far below you looks wise/career wise and all of this reflects poorly on me.'"
"At this point I got extremely upset and told him he was putting me down and ex bf was not even a bad guy or 'below me' ??? And I said what he was saying was extremely cruel and sounded like something a narcissist would say."
"Then current bf went ballistic and told me I made this a way bigger deal and I was looking to pick a fight with him and he just was saying that he thought ex bf wasn't worthy of me and was trying to compliment me."
"Now we're in bed and he's snoring away after he told me he feels like his 'stomach is so upset from that argument and it gave him ptsd from when he argued with his mother as a child.'"
"Reddit… AITA? I feel like I'm going crazy here."
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Concerned Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole here.
"NTA. This is bad."
"He set you up to be all warm and fuzzy and vulnerable…and then slams you with that question for the umpteenth time?"
"It' s none of his business. Everyone has a history, so what?"
"I'm sorry, were you supposed to submit a dating resume to him before he deigned to see you? Was there an application process?"
"He sounds like a narcissist and that never, ever ends well."
"DTMF. [Down to Mind-F'k]" – NoreastNorwest
"PTSD does not make logical choices, and trauma- brain does not make logical choices either. If someone who got a psychosomatic tummy ache when listening to their parents argue or while arguing themselves could easily be triggered into a panic attack by a tummy ache."
"OP's boyfriend probably does not have PTSD and is far more likely just a manipulative a**hole. Doing relationship therapy with someone who shows narcissistic tendencies is an advanced exercise in teaching them how to hurt you and giving them the therapy language to justify it."
"OP, NTA. This dude is a walking red flag." – IGotOverGreta
"NTA. There are a few worrying red flags here."
"Red flag 1: He's asked you multiple times about whether you had sex with your ex. Your past is none of his business and this obsession he has about it is weird."
"Red flag 2: He said your choice of ex boyfriend 'reflects poorly' on him - which is a direct criticism of you - but he is now trying to reframe it as a compliment."
"Red flag 3: His whole 'this has triggered my PTSD' when he's the one who instigated it with his bizarre obsession with your past is textbook emotional manipulation."
"And all of this happened immediately after he snuggled up to you with his kisses and 'I love yous.'"
"I hope some of the comments here will help you realise how unhealthy this is and that you shouldn't dismiss it because 'life is tumultuous.' While life does have its ups and downs, the person who claims to love you should support you through the downs, not be directly responsible for them." – ImStealingTheTowels
"NTA. That he is asking you repeatedly is him saying he thinks you are lying. He is trying to backpeddle now that he started a huge argument."
"'reflects poorly on him' in NO way translates into a f'king compliment to YOU."
'stomach is so upset from that argument and it gave him ptsd from when he argued with his mother as a child'
"BULLSH*T. He can't say mean stupid sh*t constantly and then hide behind PTSD. I HAVE ptsd, and it f'king sucks. Yes, getting yelled at sucks, but that's when you learn how to adult and discuss things like normal f'king people instead of implying someone is lying and keep picking at a topic that is NONE OF YOUR F'KING BUSINESS, just to see the reaction for the twentieth time." – AbbyFB6969
"NTA, he's the one trying to pick fights."
"Yes, what he said is very narcissistic. Do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life? Because that's what's going to happen. You're already in therapy and he's still hitting out with this crap! He has a problem with something and he's not ever going to drop it."
"He sounds like a bully and if I were you, I'd leave him to his own devices." – freckles-101
"NTA. You should have left him instead of trying couples therapy. It's not worth spending the rest of you life fixing a narcissist. The 'this argument gave me ptsd' comment is particularly troubling."
"He said something that would obviously start a fight and then complained that an argument ensued. That's going to be a huge problem going forward." – Pap113
"NTA. He's gaslighting you, you haven't made it a big deal. He has! How insecure does someone have to be to throw such a tantrum or ask about your sex life with your ex. (Which is none of his business any way.)" – Cassubeans
"NTA. I find it truly bizarre when people date as adults and get upset about their partner's history before they were together. There's a reason ex is the ex and bf is the bf."
"Unless you're maintaining an inappropriate or uncomfortable relationship with the ex now, why would he even care?" – megZesq
"NTA. This is a big red flag. BF is lifting you up one moment ("he loves me") and bringing you down the next. 'So did you really not have sex with ex bf?' which then became a big fight."
"Between this episode and the 'it's been kind of tumultuous at times.' It sounds like a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship."
"I've been there when I was 17. My BF would harass me if I just mentioned some other guy's name. Physical abuse started a little down the road."
"Get out please." – karmarro
"NTA, but you need to ditch this AH. The fact that you've been together 3 years, you're not married, have no kids, and you're on couples' counseling tells me everything I need to know. If it's not working now it never will."
"You don't need to fight this hard for someone you're just dating. You have no obligation to this man. Get out now and go find someone who deserves you and isn't a jealous, narcissistic freak." – supergeek921
The OP updated the post about her relationship and had a message for others who may be in her situation.
"After a terrible day together yesterday I'm kicking him out this morning. I know I stayed with him for the wrong reasons (fear), and my only advice back to anyone out there is no matter how scary the world seems without the 'protection' of someone who continually puts you down… it isn't worth it."
"The main reason this relationship started was my life was in shambles after a terrible divorce between my parents and deaths in my family that seemed to disappear a family I very much leaned on."
"He also asked me not to work 2 years ago which isolated me further from everything. Also we have been going to therapy separately I should have clarified that."
"I thought things had gotten so much 'better' and I thought there would be a different out come. When I re-read this post and comments and saw myself basically wondering out loud to the world if I was crazy, I knew. The comments in a way help me feel accountable though, so thank you all and wish me luck."
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.