Redditor Business_Database251 is a 28-year-old female whose initial lovely evening with her 32-year-old boyfriend went south when he asked her a recurring question about her previous relationship.
When the heated discussion led to her accusing him of being narcissistic, he made a comment before going to bed that kept her up and left her wondering if she was going insane.
Seeking the internet in an attempt to validate her sanity, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for being upset by my bf(M32) telling me f(28) the guy I dated before him ‘reflected poorly on him’??”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Bf and I have been together 3 years, it’s been kind of tumultuous at times but hey life is tumultuous and we’re in therapy and working through.”
“Anyway it’s a Saturday night and I’m in the kitchen making pizza, bf is having wine playing music talking to me everything is all good… he comes into the kitchen kisses me and tells me how much he loves me (really sweet moment) then the second he walks across the room and sits down he kind of looks at me sideways and asks (for the 35th time in our relationship)”
“So did you really not have sex with ex bf?”
“(Background on ex bf (M29) we dated for a year he actually had a health problem that made it extremely difficult to have sex so we didn’t. I told my current bf that we didn’t have sex multiple times when he asked… now that I’m thinking about it, it seems very weird how obsessed he was with asking BUT anyway)”
“I get sort of upset and say ‘once again no we didn’t and I’m starting to get upset you keep asking anyway why do you even care? We weren’t together at that time so it wouldn’t even matter? Why do I have to over explain myself?’”
“To which current bf replies ‘because you never should have dated him he’s far below you looks wise/career wise and all of this reflects poorly on me.’”
“At this point I got extremely upset and told him he was putting me down and ex bf was not even a bad guy or ‘below me’ ??? And I said what he was saying was extremely cruel and sounded like something a narcissist would say.”
“Then current bf went ballistic and told me I made this a way bigger deal and I was looking to pick a fight with him and he just was saying that he thought ex bf wasn’t worthy of me and was trying to compliment me.”
“Now we’re in bed and he’s snoring away after he told me he feels like his ‘stomach is so upset from that argument and it gave him ptsd from when he argued with his mother as a child.’”
“Reddit… AITA? I feel like I’m going crazy here.”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Concerned Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole here.
“NTA. This is bad.”
“He set you up to be all warm and fuzzy and vulnerable…and then slams you with that question for the umpteenth time?”
“It’ s none of his business. Everyone has a history, so what?”
“I’m sorry, were you supposed to submit a dating resume to him before he deigned to see you? Was there an application process?”
“He sounds like a narcissist and that never, ever ends well.”
“DTMF. [Down to Mind-F’k]” – NoreastNorwest
“PTSD does not make logical choices, and trauma- brain does not make logical choices either. If someone who got a psychosomatic tummy ache when listening to their parents argue or while arguing themselves could easily be triggered into a panic attack by a tummy ache.”
“OP’s boyfriend probably does not have PTSD and is far more likely just a manipulative a**hole. Doing relationship therapy with someone who shows narcissistic tendencies is an advanced exercise in teaching them how to hurt you and giving them the therapy language to justify it.”
“OP, NTA. This dude is a walking red flag.” – IGotOverGreta
“NTA. There are a few worrying red flags here.”
“Red flag 1: He’s asked you multiple times about whether you had sex with your ex. Your past is none of his business and this obsession he has about it is weird.”
“Red flag 2: He said your choice of ex boyfriend ‘reflects poorly’ on him – which is a direct criticism of you – but he is now trying to reframe it as a compliment.”
“Red flag 3: His whole ‘this has triggered my PTSD’ when he’s the one who instigated it with his bizarre obsession with your past is textbook emotional manipulation.”
“And all of this happened immediately after he snuggled up to you with his kisses and ‘I love yous.'”
“I hope some of the comments here will help you realise how unhealthy this is and that you shouldn’t dismiss it because ‘life is tumultuous.’ While life does have its ups and downs, the person who claims to love you should support you through the downs, not be directly responsible for them.” – ImStealingTheTowels
“NTA. That he is asking you repeatedly is him saying he thinks you are lying. He is trying to backpeddle now that he started a huge argument.”
“‘reflects poorly on him’ in NO way translates into a f’king compliment to YOU.”
‘stomach is so upset from that argument and it gave him ptsd from when he argued with his mother as a child’
“BULLSH*T. He can’t say mean stupid sh*t constantly and then hide behind PTSD. I HAVE ptsd, and it f’king sucks. Yes, getting yelled at sucks, but that’s when you learn how to adult and discuss things like normal f’king people instead of implying someone is lying and keep picking at a topic that is NONE OF YOUR F’KING BUSINESS, just to see the reaction for the twentieth time.” – AbbyFB6969
“NTA, he’s the one trying to pick fights.”
“Yes, what he said is very narcissistic. Do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life? Because that’s what’s going to happen. You’re already in therapy and he’s still hitting out with this crap! He has a problem with something and he’s not ever going to drop it.”
“He sounds like a bully and if I were you, I’d leave him to his own devices.” – freckles-101
“NTA. You should have left him instead of trying couples therapy. It’s not worth spending the rest of you life fixing a narcissist. The ‘this argument gave me ptsd’ comment is particularly troubling.”
“He said something that would obviously start a fight and then complained that an argument ensued. That’s going to be a huge problem going forward.” – Pap113
“NTA. He’s gaslighting you, you haven’t made it a big deal. He has! How insecure does someone have to be to throw such a tantrum or ask about your sex life with your ex. (Which is none of his business any way.)” – Cassubeans
“NTA. I find it truly bizarre when people date as adults and get upset about their partner’s history before they were together. There’s a reason ex is the ex and bf is the bf.”
“Unless you’re maintaining an inappropriate or uncomfortable relationship with the ex now, why would he even care?” – megZesq
“NTA. This is a big red flag. BF is lifting you up one moment (“he loves me”) and bringing you down the next. ‘So did you really not have sex with ex bf?’ which then became a big fight.”
“Between this episode and the ‘it’s been kind of tumultuous at times.’ It sounds like a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship.”
“I’ve been there when I was 17. My BF would harass me if I just mentioned some other guy’s name. Physical abuse started a little down the road.”
“Get out please.” – karmarro
“NTA, but you need to ditch this AH. The fact that you’ve been together 3 years, you’re not married, have no kids, and you’re on couples’ counseling tells me everything I need to know. If it’s not working now it never will.”
“You don’t need to fight this hard for someone you’re just dating. You have no obligation to this man. Get out now and go find someone who deserves you and isn’t a jealous, narcissistic freak.” – supergeek921
The OP updated the post about her relationship and had a message for others who may be in her situation.
“After a terrible day together yesterday I’m kicking him out this morning. I know I stayed with him for the wrong reasons (fear), and my only advice back to anyone out there is no matter how scary the world seems without the ‘protection’ of someone who continually puts you down… it isn’t worth it.”
“The main reason this relationship started was my life was in shambles after a terrible divorce between my parents and deaths in my family that seemed to disappear a family I very much leaned on.”
“He also asked me not to work 2 years ago which isolated me further from everything. Also we have been going to therapy separately I should have clarified that.”
“I thought things had gotten so much ‘better’ and I thought there would be a different out come. When I re-read this post and comments and saw myself basically wondering out loud to the world if I was crazy, I knew. The comments in a way help me feel accountable though, so thank you all and wish me luck.”