Sometimes it’s really obvious when someone in our life doesn’t care about us. From the very beginning, they might mispronounce or spell our names, forget what we care about, or dismiss us entirely.
But sometimes, it takes years to realize that someone we love doesn’t care about us at all, and that hurts so much more, empathized the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor FamiliarAttorney2284 had been dating a guy for three years and reminded him this year of her birthday, because he forgot about it the previous year.
But when he forgot her birthday, even with reminders, and misspelled her name, the Original Poster (OP) no longer felt like he cared about her and wondered what that meant for their relationship.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for being mad that my boyfriend ‘forgot’ my birthday after I reminded him about it all week?”
The OP went the extra mile and reminded her boyfriend that her birthday was coming up.
“I (26 Female) and my boyfriend (28 Male) have been together for almost three years.”
“My birthday was yesterday.”
“I had been reminding him ALL week because last year he also almost forgot but said it was because work was crazy, so I tried to be understanding and help him out. This year, I even joked like, ‘Haha, don’t forget I’m aging,’ and he laughed, so I thought we were good.”
Then the OP’s boyfriend forgot anyway.
“The day came, I woke up, and nothing. No text, no kiss, nothing.”
“We live together, by the way. He just got ready for work like normal.”
“I was kind of waiting to see if he would say something, but nope.”
“So before he left, I said, ‘Do you know what today is?'”
“He stared at me for a second and then went, ‘Oh s**t… was that today?'”
“I got really quiet because, honestly, it hurt a lot.”
“He said he was sorry and that he had ‘something planned later,’ but, like, why wouldn’t he say ‘Happy Birthday’ at least?”
“I went to work feeling stupid for even expecting anything.”
The boyfriend’s efforts were lackluster at best.
“Later that night, he came home with a cake from the grocery store and a card he clearly bought on the way home.”
“The card wasn’t even filled out all the way. He just wrote ‘Love you’ inside and spelled my name wrong.”
“I started crying and told him it felt like he didn’t care about me.”
“He got defensive and said I was overreacting and that ‘adults don’t make a big deal about birthdays,’ but he makes a HUGE deal about his every year, like, he takes the whole weekend off and expects gifts.”
The OP couldn’t look past being forgotten again.
“Now he’s barely talking to me and told his sister about it. She texted me, saying that I need to chill and that guys just forget stuff, but I don’t know…”
“I reminded him, we live together, we’ve dated for three years, and it feels like the bare minimum?”
“So am I overreacting for being this upset? Or am I justified in feeling hurt?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some were furious on the OP’s behalf and said there was no way the boyfriend “forgot.”
“I met my husband when I was 22. He still doesn’t forget my birthday. Neither does our cat.”
“To OP, I’m so sorry that your partner did this. He doesn’t care. The fact that he makes a big deal over his birthday and even got his sister to guilt-trip you? Massive red flags.”
“I hope your next birthday is 100x better, and when you leave the walking red flag, I’m sure it will be.” – fergie_89
“If she were a priority, he would remember. I never understood guys forgetting important dates. I’m sorry, but you are a bad boyfriend or husband if you forget your partner’s birthday or anniversary.” – Floridaman8712
“The sister’s ‘guys forget stuff’ seals the deal. This guy has been given a free pass his whole life; he’s not changing.”
“The real answer is, No, guys only ‘forget stuff’ when they don’t care about it. I bet he never ‘forgets’ when he has a gaming time, drinking time, workout time, whatever time, with the guys. He simply doesn’t care about what matters to OP.” – Traditional_Fan_2655
“Honestly unacceptable behavior! Do not let him and his sister gaslight you. Get rid of him ASAP, because if he wanted to, he would.” – Wonderful_West3961
“Last year, my husband kind of brushed off my birthday and my first Mother’s Day.”
“I’m not the best at expressing myself in the moment, but after the fact, I told him that I felt sad, upset, and forgotten about.”
“He told me that he doesn’t care about those days for himself, and he just doesn’t really think about it.”
“I told him just because you don’t care about your birthday or Father’s Day doesn’t mean I don’t care about my days. You need to put effort into those days for me because it’s important to me.”
“He said okay. This year on my birthday, he designed a necklace with a private jeweler, we went to a steakhouse, took our son to the children’s museum, and spent time with my in-laws.”
“I’m telling you, girl, someone out there will make you feel on top of the world, and this guy obviously doesn’t.” – amazon-lady43
Others agreed and infinitely side-eyed the boyfriend for spelling the OP’s name wrong.
“He spelled your name wrong? Dump him immediately.” – Pretend_Exchange_369
“Honestly, he spelled her name wrong??? Come on! It doesn’t get much more obvious than that.”
“He might as well have made her a sign that said, ‘I DON’T GIVE A D**N ABOUT YOU. LET’S TALK ABOUT ME.'”
“His actions are so far below the bare minimum that the bare minimum is walking all over him. How has she stayed for three years?!”
“OP, what you need to understand is that right now is the best he is ever going to treat you. He will NOT get better. This is his best. Get out of there.” – BecGeoMom
“If you can’t spell someone’s name right after three conversations, that’s a red flag. Three months is a serious misdemeanor. Three YEARS is a felony and automatic termination of the relationship. Get out of there, OP.” – JupiterSkyFalls
“Take out EVERYTHING else; the fact he couldn’t spell your name correctly speaks volumes.”
“Him saying, ‘I’ve got something planned for later,’ after saying, ‘Oh, is that today?’ shows he clearly had no idea and nothing planned.”
“If the man truly had forgotten because of some other life pressures, there would maybe be some wiggle room. But the fact he almost forgot last year, and in turn you’d reminded him repeatedly this year, and he still ‘forgot’… I think you need to work out if this is how you want to spend the rest of your birthdays.”
“I know birthdays aren’t important to some people. My boyfriend doesn’t like celebrating his. But he knows it’s important to me, so he gets me gifts, balloons, etc. If you can’t make your significant other feel special one day a year (even if you aren’t bothered yourself), then when can you? Especially when you say yourself that he takes his own birthday very seriously.”
“Also, as a side note, do something cool for yourself. Don’t invite him. Have a solo spa day, or with a friend or two. Go on a hike with a podcast, or spend a night in a hotel as a treat. You deserve to celebrate your birthday even if your boyfriend can’t be bothered.” – RedDora89
The subReddit unanimously believed the OP had nothing else to do but leave this relationship.
“It’s at this point you leave. He clearly doesn’t give a s**t about you.”
“I guarantee there are lots of other signs, but you ignore them.”
“When you leave, he will make all sorts of promises and apologies, but stay strong. He has already shown his true colors.” – Whole_Foundation_364
“He DEFINITELY doesn’t give a crap about her. I’m sitting here taking my gf out of the country for weeks-long vacations or on a cruise for her birthday, and this guy doesn’t even have to say ‘Happy Birthday’ in the morning!?”
“OP, it sounds like you are asking the bare minimum for your birthday…and somehow he is still underperforming. He’s cooked and has to go.” – onlyfronds
“This is the rest of your life if you stay with him.”
“Please give yourself one of the best birthday presents you’ll get this decade and leave this relationship, OP.” – OrlaCarey
“Get him a card, spell his name wrong on the envelope, and write on the inside, ‘Our relationship isn’t working out. I’m leaving you.’ That’s it.” – Unstableavo
“Girl, we’re not telling you to ask him to remember, or tell him you’re upset. We’re telling you to kick his a** to the curb. If you have the lease, pack his stuff and tell him he’s out (if need be, evict him). Then get a roommate.”
“If he has the lease, quietly save up so you can find your own place. Don’t tell him until you have a plan ready. If you are both on the lease, wait until the renewal comes up and leave him.”
“No matter what, get thee away from this a**hole.” – BrilliantDishevelled
The OP felt reassured by everyone’s feedback.
“Thank you for all of your advice. I guess I just never realized how bad it had gotten until now.”
“I have been talking to my friend, and she seems to agree. I am just not sure how to go about bringing it up after it’s been so long, or what to do next.”
“I truly appreciate all of your support.”
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP was treated on her birthday, especially after dating the guy for three years and already having issues during her previous birthday.
If the guy really cared about her and their relationship, then he would put in effort. Lying to cover for himself, grabbing a quick cake and card, and spelling her name wrong was not it.