Weddings are supposed to be for the people getting married, but sometimes family makes demands of their own.
A soon-to-be bride dealing with her mother’s increasing demands turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to ask a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) question for feedback.
Exact_Jump7599 asked:
“WIBTA if I call off the wedding my mom planned for me?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (28, female) am having two wedding celebrations in about 7 months.”
“My mom is planning a large, cultural celebration that is centered around a religion she and my dad are very active in. The ceremony and those hosting will be speaking a non-English language.”
“The groom (34, male) and I do not speak the language and do not participate in this religion nor are we present in the cultural community. The guest list is well over 350 people, many of which I’ve never met.”
“This takes place 7 days before the second wedding.”
“The second is a small/medium sized, American style wedding. We have invited 100 people that includes our immediate family, close distant family, close friends, and co-workers and their +1’s.”
“We only want people we care about here. This is the one we agree is our ‘real wedding’.”
“My mom asked if she could invite some of her friends to the 2nd wedding. We told her she could invite 15 people. She made a list of 25.”
“We stood firm on 15, and she increased her list to 30, saying she will pay for them. All 30 of her guests are already invited to the cultural wedding and are strangers to us (the bride and groom).”
“After many weeks of excuses of why she should be able to invite more than 15 people, she has now given an ultimatum: If I don’t allow her to bring everyone she wants (now 40+ people) to the American style wedding, she will not come.”
“WIBTA if, in response to her ultimatum, we call off the 1st wedding?”
The OP provided some context:
“We didn’t want to do the cultural wedding in the first place. We would be saying words we can’t understand in a language we don’t speak, in clothes we would never wear, with people we don’t know. It would feel like a show rather than a celebration of our love.”
“We only agreed to the cultural wedding despite not practicing the religion or being active in the community because we knew my mom would want to invite many people, and we thought it was the best way for us to accommodate her.
“It’s now clear she will be upset if she doesn’t get her way for both ceremonies.”
“However, I understand a lot of work goes into planning such a large party. She has spent a lot of time getting the cultural outfits that are all made by hand and must be important from a different country.”
“Almost every person in the community knows about this cultural wedding, and it would be embarrassing for her if we called it off. We could just do the cultural wedding, and let my mom skip the real wedding if she’s that upset about her friends.”
“My dad, me, and my fiancé are paying for the 2nd wedding. My dad is paying for the 1st one alone.”
“When my mom said she would pay for it, she meant my dad would pay. She is a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) and an empty nester.
“My dad’s opinion is ‘No fighting, it’s bad for the wedding’ and will take no one’s side.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I would be the a**hole for calling off the cultural wedding because of all the work my mom put into planning it so far.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/WNBTA).
“This is giving Desi (Indian expats in America) wedding vibes. I’d suggest starting with holding your ground on the second wedding—if your mom insists she won’t come without her giant guest list, tell her you’ll be sorry to miss her, and go forth as planned.”
“Either she 1) will be angry enough with your ingratitude to cancel the first wedding on her own; or 2) will back down, and at least you’ll get the smaller wedding you want, even if you have to suffer through the bigger cultural celebration.”
“My own wedding was absolutely hijacked by my parents inviting 80% of the guest list, and in retrospect, I wish I had just let them throw a separate function and done a smaller wedding the way I wanted without their input or money.” ~ mk21212
“I would definitely have someone in the parking lot. Mom may just bring them anyway after agreeing to the 15, by the sounds of it.” ~ CannabisGorilla
“I love Indian weddings. You have 300-500 guests, where 100 of them are the guests of the bride and groom. Then the rest are the parents’ circle of friends, both parents’ long-time neighbors, your 3rd cousin twice removed.”
“And of course, so and so from the temple invited me to their kids’ wedding, so I have to invite them to yours. Your dance teacher from 5th grade…” ~ 1peatfor7
“Yea, I’ve been a guest at a Hindu wedding before, because it was my mom’s coworker’s daughter getting married.”
“It was a fun time, but for obvious reasons, I didn’t know anyone.” ~ ThxRedditSyncVanced
“Same—I am American, married to Desi. We let his family do whatever they wanted for that wedding and then had another wedding that was fun.” ~ lalacourtney
“Yup, my sister was allowed to invite one table of her friends to her own wedding. The rest of the 290 guests were all my mom’s Desi community (not even friends).” ~ HoleInWon929
“You realize that she will invite 60+ people to your 2nd wedding no matter what you tell her, right? You need to hire security for the 2nd wedding because she will try to crash it with her 100 BFFs.”
“You need to be firm with her; she can either have her 15 or she and her groupies can’t come. Tell her security will deny entrance to anyone not on your list, including her. Then tell her if she can’t abide by your rules, you and your fiancé won’t show up to the first wedding.”
“Do you have passwords for your vendors? I wouldn’t put it past her to call your venue, florist, caterer, DJ, etc… and cancel or change the plans. After all, she needs to make sure her invitees have food and a place to sit.” ~ Classic_Ad3987
“NTA. You’re doing this entire performative ceremony FOR HER, and she still wants to commandeer your actual wedding? That’s manipulative and unfair.”
“Setting boundaries NOW will definitely pay off in the long run, even if it smarts at first. Good luck, and I wish you and your partner a lifetime of joy.” ~ CosmicContessa
“NTA. Have the 2nd wedding and keep your mother’s guest list limited as originally advised. Don’t let her bully you into getting her way.”
“If she doesn’t like the boundary, tell her you’ll miss her at the wedding, but will be happy to share photos with her at a future date. I’m guessing mom gets whatever she wants from her husband.”
“Set your boundary with her NOW. You will appreciate enforced boundaries in the future as mom realizes she doesn’t get a say in your marriage. Just make sure you and your partner are on the same page.”
“I don’t understand having the 1st wedding as it is just to make mom happy and seems to have no meaning to you. Personally, I’d be very uncomfortable being a bride/groom in a religious wedding not of my religion. Why can’t mom just have a big party to celebrate the marriage instead of a religious ceremony?” ~ Ducky818
“Do you and future husband a huge favor and nip your mom’s antics in the bud. Your mom sounds exhausting. I don’t see this changing after you are married or have kids.”
“She will continue to manipulate you into capitulation, her entitled attitude will not change, if anything she will double down. Your husband and marriage will suffer. Set a precedent, set clear boundries and deal with the fallout now.” ~ mikeesq22
“She’s just trying to bully you. Call her bluff. Tell her you’ll miss her at the second wedding.”
“If she pushes back, tell her you won’t be at wedding #1 at all, they can have it with a stand-in or a Barbie, you don’t care, but she’s not running your wedding OR your life, and the sooner she gets that, the better. Clap back and stand your ground.” ~ Gatodeluna
“NTA. She’s playing a dangerous game. You are in the power position in this dynamic. You are the bride. You get what you want.”
“If she is willing to boycott the ceremony most important to you, you have every right (and don’t guilt yourself over this) to boycott the one important to her. This is intro level FAFO.” ~ mad_housewife
“NTA. Tell her that the cultural wedding was only happening so that she could invite all the people she wanted and you were willing to let her invite 15 people to the second wedding.”
“Since she refuses to work with you and has threatened not to come to the other wedding, you have decided that you won’t be doing the cultural wedding because it was for her and not you.” ~ naranghim
OP is looking to set boundaries with her mother. This may be the first step on that journey.