We’ve all seen some seriously ridiculous bridesmaid coordination, but how far are you actually willing to go to participate in somebody else’s wedding?
In this case, Redditor sweeta*sugarcoldas wasn’t even in the wedding—she was just invited to it—and was asked to change her appearance at the last second.
She asked, then, if she would be in the wrong for skipping out on this wedding, via the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” (AITA).
She posted:
“AITA for skipping a wedding?”
Our original poster, or OP, began with her appearance, as that seemed to be what the bride took issue with:
“So I have split dyed hair and it’s half hot pink and half pastel blue. Ive always had my hair split dyed but this is as eccentric as I’ve ever been.”
In a conversation with the bride, the issue was raised insidiously:
“Now I got invited to a wedding months ago and no mention was made about my hair. The wedding is next week and the bride called me last night. She was happy and bubbly and then mentioned my hair and asked if I had dyed it yet. I was confused and told her I just dyed it a few weeks ago.”
And then came the imperative of “your hair is unwelcome”:
“Bride laughed and said she thought she told me that I had to dye my hair to a natural brown. She said that it would clash. When I explained that I had just recently dyed it and couldn’t redo it so soon and also had no intention of ever doing natural brown she was silent for a moment.”
And then the bride overstepped her bounds with OP:
“Then she asked if I would be okay with a wig as she really didn’t want my hair clashing with her color scheme. I told her no and honestly she was being way too controlling and it was either I come normally or don’t come at all. She got heated and said that my hair was unnatural so dying it natural brown is coming normally. I told her I was no longer interested in attending as this clearly was going to cause an issue.”
Somehow, OP has become the bad person in this story in the bride’s narrative:
“Her fiancee texted me and said the she is heartbroken I won’t attend and she had tried to compromise with the wig. But I’m standing firm. I would look like a complete stranger and she has known me for years. But she is genuinely upset.”
“AITA?”
Redditors ascertained where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Reddit couldn’t even believe the bride asked OP to change her appearance at all.
“I went to a wedding a few years ago where the bride did the same thing to all guests. She wanted everyone to wear specific colors based on your relationship to bride/groom. It was horrifically controlling and awful. Everyone tried to be accommodating but i really see this as a pinterest problem.”
“These people see a cool idea ‘perfectly executed’ BECAUSE IT IS STAGED. And think they want that but only if it is as perfect as the staged images. It is so stupid and shortsighted. The bride could have 50 pictures that you are not in for her ‘perfect images’ and still have you at the wedding. She could even have a couple silly pictures with just you two to make it fun without ‘ruining her photos’. Now she is upset. You are upset. Everyone is miserable because her controlling everything is actually impossible.”
“This could easily destroy a friendship over hair color.”
“What kills me is that you are one guest. If one guest might RUIN your entire wedding because you MIGHT be seen in a photo she has some serious mental disconnect. Look at any wedding photos. There is maybe one or two of everybody and 90% are bride/groom and close family or bridal party.”
“(Please replace bride/groom with whatever is accurate for your particular ceremony)”~no12chere
“Yet another post in which the bride values the superficial aesthetic of a single day over the friendships she’s nurtured for years. I don’t get it at all. Marriage is supposed to be an authentic reflection of your life and your relationship, to be shared with the people you love. The colour theme shouldn’t be more important than their comfort and happiness. If you genuinely think someone having blue/pink hair is going to ruin your wedding, you’re probably not going to have a happy healthy marriage.”~alienabductionfan
“Hard NTA! Demanding you dye your hair, wtf! Who do these people think they are?”
“What’s up with these crazy wedding demands for guests? Like wearing at least 4 inch heels, crazy expensive bridesmaids dresses (that they have to pay themselves), or paying for the privilege of attending? Good way to cut some toxic people from your life.”~WallabyInTraining
“Super NTA! I don’t get how people can be so demanding over weddings to the extent of policing hair color! Especially since the bride knew she’d been doing this for awhile! Now I feel lucky, the only ‘demand’ I ever got as my best friends MOH was ‘please don’t wear your crazy eyeshadow on the day of.’ She asked nicely so of course that was super easy to do, but if I’d been doing fun colors in my hair and she demanded a change I’d have been livid, especially last minute.”~theknightinthetardis
In fact, people were pointing out the selfishness of the bride and groom to ask anybody to change their appearance at all.
“Yikes! NTA! Who asks a friend to dye their hair so they don’t ‘clash’ with the decor? FYI this girl is insecure that you might steal any attention from her and is NOT a real friend. You made the right call OP!”~mnchemist
“I had to go back and re-read your post because I assumed you were in the wedding party but it sounds like you are a guest. I think it’s pretty iffy to ask your wedding party to start modifying their appearance so reaching to control wedding guests’ appearances is too much. NTA.”~yachtiewannabe
“NTA. She literally brought this up to you a week before the wedding. That’s ridiculous. Also, screw the ‘clashing with her color scheme’ comment. She probably waited this long to bring it up because she knew you’d decline and was planning to guilt you into going (the fiance calling with ‘she’s heartbroken’ and ‘she tried to compromise’ is pretty good evidence of that).”
“Maybe, maybe if she’d brought it up months in advance it would be different, since you could have time to plan something out that would be acceptable. But her request is ridiculous.”~Mystlainn
“NTA Just don’t go to the wedding. I just don’t get why people want to be so controlling of their wedding. They should be more involved in their future marriage. The wedding is only a small part in my mind”~votemeoutbby
Most people were of the mind that anybody who wants to be as controlling as OP’s friend isn’t actually a friend at all.
“Are you in the wedding party? Did she request coloring your hair to a natural color as part of your wedding party attire for the wedding, and you agreed to that condition?”
“Unless you had agreed to take on a role in the wedding party, and agreed to change your hair color to a more neutral one, you are NTA.”
“She may have input into what her wedding participants wear, and even make requests about their hair, and of course they can agree or disagree with her requests.”
“She doesn’t get to have any say about wedding guest attire, other than establishing a level of formality. There is no level of formality which wouldn’t work with your hair being brightly colored.”
“If you’re a regular guest, then she has no say over your hair.”
“If you’re in the wedding, she could have made requests, but unless you agreed to them, you have no reason to be beholden to her preferences about your hair color. If she didn’t want you in her wedding with your style of hair, then you shouldn’t be in her wedding.”
“If she doesn’t want you as a guest at her wedding with your style and color of hair, then you shouldn’t be there.”
“She can decide what matters most to her, having someone she loves in her wedding memories, or not having them there.”
“Caring more about everyone in her wedding pictures having neutrally colored hair, than having those she loves there to witness and share in her wedding, is an odd take, but it’s her choice to make.”
“I’m sorry she’s so superficially motivated.”
“Changing your style to suit her preferred guest style would be a mistake.”~Sooozn85
“NTA I’m a guy with really long hair, but I keep it in a nice bun and maintain it well. I was invited to a wedding from one of my close friends and 2 weeks before it happened he asked when I was cutting my hair.”
“I get that question a lot (which in itself is annoying) but I usually just laugh it off like I did here. He kind of lingered for a second and said ‘no really for my wedding.’ I said bro I’m not cutting my hair for a wedding I’m not even a part of and he got wicked mad like in an instant, and his fiance caused a huge fuss so I just bounced that fire and didn’t go to the wedding.”
“I’ve spent 4 years growing this hair why the heck am I cutting it for you?”~AdmiralPoopinButts
“If her pictures and the visuals of her wedding are more important than the people attending, she is far too immature to be getting married.”
“Just sit this one out and hope she’s more grown up for her next one. It shouldn’t be a long wait. NTA.”~ArmadilloDays
“NTA People are nuts.”
“I attended a coworker’s (massive) wedding while having bright blue hair. It was actually really convenient because it made me easy to spot; I ended up being the liasion between the work group and her family. (Like when bride wanted photos with just the work crew, her sister knew to ask me to round them all up, even though she didn’t know my name!)”
“At the reception (big outdoor event) I overheard people on their phones using me as a landmark. ‘We’re under the big tree, near the blue haired girl’ LMAO”~VividFiddlesticks
OP has not made an update on her final decision about the wedding, but chances are, as she’s received validation for her choice, she won’t be attending after all.
Generally weddings are not about the guests, but when you’re being asked to edit yourself in order to blend in, is it poor form to reject? Reddit says no, and we hope the bride and OP can come to an understanding.