There are obviously some people in the world who are much more interested in gaining access to other people’s money than others.
Especially in today’s economy, it’s understandable for a wealthy person to wonder, at least a little bit, if their partner is interested in them for their personality or their money.
But it would hurt anyone to find out if they were being “tested” for gold digger traits, especially if the tests involved their partner and their partner’s entire family, sympathized the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Pleasant_Mission_63 had been with her fiancé for four years and was very excited to marry him. She even thought she’d developed meaningful relationships with his family and looked forward to growing closer to them.
But when she found out that her fiancé and his entire family were in on a test to see if she was just marrying him for his money, the Original Poster (OP) was so hurt, she immediately called off the wedding.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by calling off my engagement after my fiancé admitted his family secretly tested me to see if I was a gold digger?”
The OP was excited to marry her partner and grow closer to his family.
“I (24 Female) have been with my fiancé (27 Male) for almost four years.”
“He has a really well-paying job in tech, and I make pretty average money. We’ve always split things fair and I’ve never asked him for expensive stuff or trips or anything.”
“I honestly thought money was a non-issue for us. I was never interested in him for his money anyway.”
“We genuinely clicked so well, and I loved his personality. We are into the same nerdy things, and his family seemed to really like me.”
“I never thought I would have to worry about our relationship going south until now.”
But then the OP’s fiancé shared something that brought their life crumbling down.
“But a few days ago, my fiancé sat me down and said he had something he wanted to tell me, and he was smiling like it was good news.”
“He basically told me that his family has been secretly ‘testing’ me for the last 11 months to make sure I wasn’t a gold digger. He said they were worried I only liked him for his income and wanted proof before we got married.”
“The test was that they all made it seem like he was struggling financially and might lose his job.”
“His mom would casually bring up layoffs, his dad talked about how unstable tech is, and slowly it turned into ‘he might actually lose his job,’ and ‘you guys might have to really downsize.'”
“At one point, his mom even told me I should be prepared to finacially help him if it came to that.”
“I never wanted to bring up the possibility of a layoff for him because I didn’t want to stress him out.”
The more the OP discovered about the “test,” the more diabolical it felt.
“I wanted to be prepared to support him if needed, so I started budgeting more, saving money, cutting back on random spending, skipping stuff I wanted, and just generally trying to prepare for the worst.”
“I constantly reassured my fiancé, encouraged him, told him we’d be fine, that I didn’t care about money, that I just wanted us.”
“But this whole thing was FAKE!!! His job was never in danger. His income never changed. There were no layoffs.”
“His family literally planned this whole thing together. They kept it going for almost a YEAR. Subtle comments made in passing to manipulate me and test me.”
It all started because of someone else’s child support.
“Apparently, this all started because his older brother went through a really messy divorce.”
“His brother now pays a ton in child support, and his ex-wife got a lot of money in the divorce, and his family fully blames her and thinks she was a gold digger.”
“So now they’re super paranoid about any woman who dates one of their sons.”
“The thing is, I’ve actually met his brother’s ex-wife before. She was dropping off the kids at a family night, and she seemed really nice and normal. I never once got gold digger vibes from her, and honestly, it makes me uncomfortable how much they demonize her.”
As happy as the family was with her results, the OP couldn’t move forward.
“My fiancé said his parents finally told him that I ‘passed’ and that they felt comfortable with him marrying me now.”
“He said he wanted to tell me because he thought I’d be relieved to know he actually isn’t struggling financially, and that it shows how much his family cares about protecting him.”
“Then he tells me that to celebrate, he upgraded our honeymoon to a nice luxury resort in Hawaii. I mentioned this resort when initially honeymoon planning, but deemed it too expensive, so we settled for a more modest option.”
“But I feel weird about it. I don’t want to be rewarded for being manipulated really well. Like, good job, we tricked you, and you were so gullible, you believed it! Here’s a nicer vacation!!”
“I told him I felt manipulated, embarrassed, and honestly humiliated that his whole family was watching my reactions and judging my character behind my back for almost a year.”
“He said I’m looking at it wrong and that I proved I’m not with him for his money and that this should make me feel more secure in our relationship.”
“I wish I could ask my family what they thought, but unfortunately, my mom passed away two years ago, and I don’t have a relationship with my father. I’m feeling sad and lost because I don’t have a reliable second opinion to lean on. His family had become my family. That’s what makes this even harder.”
“His family is acting like this is totally normal and that I should be proud of myself. His mom literally said, ‘Most girls wouldn’t have handled that so gracefully.'”
The OP wasn’t sure she should get married anymore.
“I told him I need space, and I’m seriously considering calling off the engagement, but I honestly don’t know what to do.”
“I love him, and this is so out of left field.”
“Now everyone is acting like I’m blowing this out of proportion and being dramatic. Part of me wonders if I am.”
“But another part of me feels like my trust is completely broken.”
“Am I overreacting? I’m not sure if tests like this are normal. I feel weird about it. I don’t know.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some were glad the OP called off the wedding and hoped she’d fully cut them out of her life.
“It would be one thing if he’d had no knowledge of it, but the fact that he was like, excited that this all worked out….? It’s probably time to tell them all to f**k right off, OP. This is manipulative and childish, and I wouldn’t stand for it.”
“What did they expect you to actually DO as they were planting seeds of doubt? Scream, ‘Oh no! Not the money!’ And run out of the house immediately?”
“You even went so far as to make sure you were saving money just in case something happened to his job. You’re an angel with too big of a heart for this family.” – sh7rty13
“End thread, OP. This is the end of the road for them. They are not worth your time at all.”
“Especially not if you were making sacrifices and they were using it as some kind of purity test.” – Chaotic-Goofball
“I think for me, another issue is that they have shown they lack generosity, and the fiancé in particular has shown this. They manipulated her into aggressively saving and budgeting for a full year, even though he seems to make enough to give her a more luxurious lifestyle.”
“The fact that he would let it go on suggests he would just never be able to put her first or be generous in the way one should be toward a partner. The whole thing is so gross.”
“It also sucks that they have such a s**t attitude about the money their son has to pay TO SUPPORT HIS OWN CHILDREN, so they were inspired to f**k with OP… over supporting children.”
“Like, they have made OP feel like they are ‘family,’ but it’s clear they would have no problem abandoning her if things didn’t work out with the fiancé.”
“It makes me curious what possibilities would even exist re: a pre-nup, and if they would be controlling/uncompromising over that process, as well.” – AdvancedGuide8946
“If you do leave, OP (and gosh, I hope you do), they can be certain it wasn’t because of money!”
“What a d**k thing to do. Whatever happened to just talking to someone, to get to know them?”
“Trust is one of those things that, when lost, is very hard to get back. Now there is always going to be a cloud of suspicion.”
“Do you really want to be walking under that cloud with this family, for years to come?” – AJRimmer1971
“NOR. I’d wonder what other ‘tests’ they’ve run on me or WILL run during the marriage.”
“Like, is there a test to see if she’d be a good sexual partner? A good mom? Churchgoer? Community asset? Country club member?”
“They showed you who they are. Believe them and ditch them.” – Chay_Chales
Others reassured the OP that she was better off without this family.
“In their effort to prove that you are a ‘morally decent person,’ they have proved that they are not.” – ImAndileigh
“They thought she wasn’t good enough for him… They’re not good enough for her.” – werewere-kokako
“Since they’ve made it very clear that his entire family, him included, is willing to conspire behind her back to lie to and manipulate her…. yeah. You’ve found one massive flaw in his personality, and it’s absolutely one I’d consider a deal breaker.” – R-ddit_is_S**t
“OP is upset that his family lied to her, but what about him? HE lied to her for a YEAR. Never mind the humiliation, how could you trust this person enough to marry them?” – 21stCenturyJanes
“OP, they set you up. They fear-baited you. They kicked your whole life, all of zour choices, into fight-or-flight mode and money management obsession for over a year… to prove a point to themselves. They made you fearful for your future husband’s well-being, and you cut out things that you enjoyed, that you wanted, just in case you needed to protect him in the future.”
“That is not love. That is not family. That is not husband material. You deserve something so much better. This isn’t the point, but I hope you’ll use a little bit of that money you set aside on something that you were very disappointed in not getting, because of him and his family. Please treat yourself (responsibly, reasonably, of course), and then never, ever look back.” – TheBookishAndTheBard
After receiving feedback, the OP felt relieved and validated.
“I’m still staying with my fiancé right now, but things are tense, and I feel anxious pretty much all the time. He knows I’m upset and knows I need space, so he hasn’t tried to talk about it since.”
“He knows I’m considering calling off the engagement, which is why I think he’s been so sensitive around me the last few days. He hasn’t been acting like it’s a positive thing anymore and seems pretty remorseful since I told him how much it hurt me.”
“This morning, I asked him if he knew about it the whole time, and he told me that his parents started making the comments without his knowledge, and after he overheard a comment they made to me while over at his parents’ house, he asked them privately why they said that, and they explained they were testing me. He decided to let them continue just to see what I would do.”
“From past interactions with his parents, I also know he has a hard time standing up to them or disagreeing with them, so it honestly makes sense that he didn’t call them out and just started going along with it.”
“They told him that they were offended when I suggested an expensive resort for the honeymoon and made a comment insinuating that his parents would be paying for it. They got it in their head that I just expected them to shoulder the costs of an expensive resort without question, which isn’t true. I happily accepted a more modest option when THEY suggested it because I don’t want to seem pushy or entitled.”
“Plus, typically the groom’s family pays for the honeymoon, so I didn’t know they were offended by that. Maybe I really did come off as entitled, but that was honestly never my intention. Regardless, I don’t think that justifies testing me like this.”
“He wasn’t the mastermind, but he never stopped them and didn’t see why it was wrong or manipulative until I told him how upset I was.”
“A part of me wonders if he was manipulated by his parents to think this was acceptable. I’m torn between calling it off or having a conversation with him and asking him to go to couples counseling and set serious boundaries with his parents.”
“I also see some suggestions recommending that I talk to his brother’s ex-wife. I think that’s a good idea, but I’m honestly really nervous about it. I don’t have her number, but I follow her on Instagram, so I’m considering DMing her and asking to call her.”
However, the situation took a negative turn when the OP’s ex found the post.
“Well, my fiancé found this post. Honestly, I feel pretty stupid for thinking he wouldn’t find it. I didn’t expect this post to get as much attention as it did, so thank you all for that, but I was extremely detailed, which was kinda dumb.”
“He saw the post and immediately clocked that I wrote it. He came to me yesterday with the post, and I was super afraid he would be angry, but he was actually very understanding. He said reading the comments was super eye-opening to him on just how messed up this situation was. He feels bad that he ever even tried to spin this in a positive light.”
“We had a pretty deep conversation, and he came to realize that he has been manipulated very heavily by his parents and family. When his parents justify something, even if it’s bad, his brain will immediately try to justify it too because differing opinions were not allowed in his household growing up.”
“This whole situation has started the realization for him that he grew up in a manipulative and emotionally abusive household, but was never given space to realize it because they had an extreme ‘us vs them’ mentality. So even when an extremely normal and well-intentioned person comes into the family (aka me and his brother’s ex), they will do anything they can to invalidate their character because they are uncomfortable with outsiders.”
“I have learned a lot about myself through this situation as well. First of all, I’m emotionally vulnerable and need therapy, bad. My need to belong has caused me to stay in situations that are unhealthy for me just because I’m so desperate for a family. I know that’s bad, and I know it will be hard, but I want to change.”
“With that being said, even though my fiancé was very remorseful and apologetic, I told him I wanted to call off our wedding and take a break from our relationship.”
“We both have issues we need to work on by ourselves before we consider joining in marriage. I want to figure out who I am without someone to lean on, as painful as that may be, and he needs to seriously evaluate his relationship with his family and how they have affected him.”
“I told him that if in the future, we find ourselves emotionally healthy and the timing works out, maybe we can be together again, but for right now, that’s not the case, so we need to go our separate ways.”
“We still live together, and I don’t exactly have anywhere to go, so my fiancé said he will move out and try to find other living arrangements. He will pay his portion of the lease until I find another roommate.”
“Again, thank you all for your comments and support; they mean a lot to me.”
Any family would want to be careful and make sure that their family members are getting married to good and kind people, but testing someone like this goes far beyond basic concern and involvement.
There was a chance that the OP and her partner could work things out in the future, but they’d have to do it without the partner’s family’s involvement. If they had their way, they’d likely control all of the couple’s future decisions if it served them and their family dynamic.