When it comes to divorce, you might think parents would want their siblings to do everything possible to make the transition easier for their children, including maintaining a cordial relationship with their ex, right?
Wrong.
One father felt strongly about his sister maintaining a relationship with his ex after they split.
Redditor FerretHuge9560 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for keeping a relationship with my brother’s ex wife when they have two kids together?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My brother was married to his wife for 14 years and they have two boys together (10 and 12).”
“Their marriage struggled a lot, but they made it last for that long.”
“I became super close with his wife and she was a wonderful wife and mother to him.”
“I know for a fact my brother cheated on her in the past even though he won’t admit it to me.”
“I’m also 99% sure he left his wife for his current G[irl]F[riend] although he won’t admit that either.”
“The divorce has been nasty and restraining orders against him have been in place and everything.”
“They can only speak about the boys.”
“Recently myself (aunt of the boys) and my mother (grandmother of the boys) made plans to get together with the children and my brother’s ex-wife.”
“These plans included staying the night at our house because they live out of town.”
“My brother found out and blew up, and was super pissed off, but we were firm that this was not fair for the children and the kids deserve to see everyone get along for their sake.”
“My brother talks s**t about their mother often, even in front of them, and we always vowed to not take sides for the sake of the kids.”
“Of course everything escalated.”
“Our other sibling called me basically telling me we were terrible, how it was selfish to do this to our brother and how dare we pick the ex over family.”
“Basically I was told we were pieces of sh*t for choosing the children over everything else and neither of my siblings see it as compassion for the kids.”
“At this point the family is split and my brother wants nothing to do with us and neither does my other siblings apparently.”
“Should we not have any sort of relationship with her?”
“In my mind it’s best for the kids to see each side of the family get along and not hate each other.”
“The divorce has been very traumatizing for both of them.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for this letting my brother’s ex wife stay at our house with the kids?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Your brother can’t claim any moral high ground, past or present, and he’s actively engaging in parental alienation by badmouthing his ex in front of their kids.”
“You and your mother being neutral for the benefit of the kids is what should be happening, rather than putting the kids in the middle of hostilities.”
“Document as much as you can for the inevitable custody hearing, your S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] needs all the support she can get.” ~ lemon_charlie
“100% agree. NTA.”
“It sounds quite immature.”
“You guys are doing the right thing.”
“Let the kids see functionality between you guys.”
‘Hopefully the rest will come around.”
“I vote for the children come first.”
Also, just because they broke up, it should not mean taking sides!
“Again, super immature.”
“I have friends they were married and split up, then remarried.”
“They literally ALL vacation together!”
“The original couple had something like six kids together.”
“And I’ve heard the argument of how strange it seems to be to onlookers, but I stood by, it’s probably the best thing they could for the kids!”
“100% functional split family if that makes sense.”
“Stand your ground for the children.”
“Like I said they shld come around at some point, it would be the mature thing to do.” ~ lisserpisser
“Exactly this.”
“Relationships might end, but the responsibility to support the emotional well-being of the kids doesn’t.”
“Prioritizing them and maintaining a sense of stability and love from both sides of the family is what truly matters.”
“You’re absolutely right!!!”
“Staying present for them is the kindest and most mature choice anyone could make.” ~ TwinkleRosyCharm
“NTA. Your mom and you need to keep the relationship with his ex because at the rate he’s going he’ll lose visitation with the kids.”
“You don’t want to never see your nephews again.”
“Those who don’t see that he was a crappy husband and is being an even crappier co parent.”
“Can mind their own business!!” ~ CallingThatBS
“You are NTA.”
“He absolutely is.”
“I had something similar with my ex.”
“I left him when I was pregnant with our youngest.”
“His parents lived 300 miles away and were disabled and sick.”
“They could just as easily visit me, as I could them.”
“When they visited, it was usually for a day or overnight.”
“When I visited, it was usually for a weekend (single parent going to school and working).”
“I told them that when I left my ex, it was important that they still be able to see the grandkids.”
“I wouldn’t let him have the kids until i was ordered to by a judge due to narcissism and abuse and he would just take to oldest out of school whenever he wanted and returned him whenever he wanted until I gave him court papers.”
“I told them (parents) that I would be happy to drop them (not baby) off for the weekend (baby for a few hours at a time until she was older), and I would stay in a hotel to lessen conflict.”
“They said ‘The hell you will! You will stay in this house. We love you, and that’s his problem that he needs to figure out.'”
“He found out and gave them an ultimatum, me or him.”
“M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] literally just said no and hung up (I was there for that phone call).”
“He threatened again, followed up with ‘I’m going to get evicted and need you to give me money.'”
“His dad laughed and hung up.”
“He eventually got over it when he realized they were not going to give him any money with that kind of attitude.”
“I loved his mother.”
“She was a second mother to me, and my parents loved her as well.”
“We could’ve cared less about his dad.”
“Sadly, they both died a year later due to illness.”
“Luckily, he’s much better now.”
“He’s still an AH, but better than before.” ~ Personal_Assist4585
“NTA and I would go low contact with your brother.’
“He sounds like a huge selfish a**.” ~ GollumTrees
“NTA. Your brother is a real piece of work.”
“You’re mom must be really disappointed in him.” ~ CF_FI_Fly
“You’re NTA.”
“You’re acting like a reasonable adult and letting the kids know there are people who won’t try to force them to choose sides in their family.” ~ Dittoheadforever
“OP: the rest of your family sucks.”
“Like so much. Immature and childish to the core.”
“You and your mother are best left to your own lives and cut out the toxicity. NTA.” ~ Maleficent_Mistake50
“NTA. My sister divorced her husband and they have a child together.”
“He’s still Uncle X because he’s her dad.”
“And sometimes re-custody the best way to see her is to also hang with him.” ~ Peskypoints
“You are the type of relatives that children deserve.”
“You are providing an island of stability in the turbulent seas of their parent’s issues.”
“They are going to love you for caring and will not forget the joys you let them have during these times.”
“Siblings do not dictate who you can love.”
“Ignore them.” ~ Daleaturner
“NTA. My brother did this to his kids.”
“His ex did treat him poorly, but he was more focused on being right than he was on protecting his kids from his anger.”
“I was always nice to their mother (not friends, but kind and friendly) and I was always there for his children.”
“Years later he wasn’t invited to his youngest daughter’s wedding and he told me if I went he’d never talk to me again.”
“Watching her walk down the aisle, I realized that no matter what I love his kids and how sad it was that he wanted to make her special day less special.”
“I call the kids (now adults) out when they are wrong.”
“I’ve stopped calling out my brother because fruitless exercise.”
“I realized my relationship with his kids is more important to me than a relationship with him.”
“Be there for the kids and be kind to everyone—but don’t take bullshit from anyone.”
“You won’t regret it.” ~ Kixel11
“NTA. Your brother is not a good person.”
“The fact he’s treating the Mother of his children the way he is and is saying the things he says, shows he’s not a good parent either.”
“You guys need to pick a side and it should be his ex and the kids.”
“None of them did anything wrong and they need to know they are loved and supported by your side of the family.”
“I don’t know why you would even bother with your brother and his side piece at this point.”
“He really sounds awful and a restraining order?”
“He also sounds unhinged and dangerous.” ~ Hefty-Equivalent6581
“NTA, those kids are still your family so it makes sense to have a decent relationship with their mother.”
“I’m kinda side eyeing your brother and wondering what kind of harassing, abusive **it he pulled to get a restraining order placed on him though.” ~ Agreeable-animal
“NTA. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, except for your brother.”
“It fell, rolled down the hill to a river, river washed it down to the ocean, and it ended up in that pile of sea trash where the rest of his siblings are… ex over family?”
“Who do they think the nephews are?”
“Enjoy your view from the tree.” ~ Cheeseburgers_
“NTA in any way!!!”
“You and your mother are to be commended for acting like mature, loving family members to his kids.”
“He should be ashamed of himself.” ~ Aromatic_Recipe1749
“NTA. At the end of the day, those kids are family and that’s their mom.”
“If your brothers cannot handle the idea of you communicating or seeing them, that’s their problem. I’m sorry you are going through this.”
“It sucks when you realize your family members are immature idiots.” ~ jesswick79
“If your brother had restraining orders against him, you are showing him great courtesy and family loyalty by even speaking to him or allowing him in your presence.”
“Restraining orders aren’t handed out all like candy just because people ask, so he obviously did something bad.’
“This disqualifies him from judging you for being on speaking terms with his ex.”
“He should be grateful to you.” ~ Insomnia_and_Coffee
“NTA in so many ways.”
“Brother may just end up with a new court order of parental alienation.”
“I’m sorry your other siblings don’t understand that the kids/grandkids are innocent.”
“I’d be tempted to go nuclear on brother though.”
“If you can’t be civil about us maintaining a relationship with your kids then don’t let the door hit ya on the way out.” ~ Federal-Ferret-970
“NTA!!! In fact I commend you for rising above the toxic environment and putting the children first.”
“Your nieces and nephews need to know stability and support regardless of parents conflict!!!”
“Your brother and siblings are so wrong!!!”
“Selfish selfish selfish!!!”
“My parents split when I was 8—my mothers side of the family chose her over us kids!!!”
“We were no longer family because of the split!!!”
“One moment we had cousins and family, holidays and traditions and than nothing!!!”
“It was so very hurtful and damaging to us kids!!!”
“OP keep putting the kids first!!”
“They need the love!!!” ~ lifevisions
“NTA; you are doing everything right, OP.”
“I could understand your brother being upset about a relationship with the ex if she had been the one to cheat or if she had been abusing him or something.”
“But it sounds like he was a large part of the problem in the marriage and is now throwing a hissy fit because he’s not getting his way.” ~ goatcheeseisyummy
“NTA. What kind of ahole trie to punish his own kids by cutting them off from family that loves them?”
“Your brother is garbage.”
“They don’t hand out restraining orders just for being a big meanie to your ex.”
“And given his behavior, I’d let your ex-SIL know he’s attempting to alienate the affections of her children.”
“Custody should take that into account.”
“I maintained a friendly relationship with my sister’s ex for the kids, too.”
“We’re going to be family for the rest of their lives.”
“Personally, I’d choose your ex-SIL instead of that jerk anyway.” ~ RedneckDebutante
“My brother knows that if his marriage ever goes sideways, my SIL is getting us in the divorce.”
“NTA. You and your mom are putting the kids first, as it should be.”
“Your brother’s moral compass is broken if he can’t see that and appreciate it.” ~ Illustrious-Onion329
OP returned with an Update…
“I want to thank everyone who commented on this and gave me reassurance that we did the right thing here and severing ties with my brother isn’t the end of the world.”
“I’m so disappointed at the behavior of him and our other sibling.”
“Unfortunately, they will only associate themselves with people that are on their side 100% of the time and support them to the bitter end.”
“This happens with all of their friendships and everything.”
“However, I’m the person that will tell you when I feel like you may be leaning on the wrong side a bit, and urge people to see the other point of view, and it’s always out of pure love.”
“Regardless, it’s okay if we’re the bad guys here.”
“Children always come first no matter what, and I’ll be their ride or die forever.”
“One day the kids will figure it out and I hope when that happens, they know we were always on their side, because they matter the most.”
Reddit is with you, and the kids, OP.
You’re doing the right thing.
These children are in desperate need of love and stability.
Your siblings are being unfair by prioritizing their own feelings over the welfare of the children.
You keep being the ride or die they need.
Good luck.