There are only a few ingredients that every relationship needs in order to be healthy and to last.
Trusting each other is one of the biggest ingredients, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit, as was clear communication.
Redditor Elegant_Air_3830 dismissed all of that while his girlfriend was on a family vacation in Italy, where she showed her love for motorcycles by talking to a guy about his and accepting a ride from him, though it seemed pretty obvious that he was interested in her.
Believing that she was leading the man on, and not trusting that more didn't happen behind-the-scenes, the Original Poster (OP) quickly turned his girlfriend into an ex.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for breaking up with my girlfriend for riding a motorcycle with another guy?"
The OP's girlfriend did something questionable on her trip to Italy.
"My now-ex-girlfriend went on a summer trip to Italy with her parents. While on the trip, she posted a selfie of herself on the back of a motorcycle with her hands wrapped around a guy's waist."
"I responded essentially with '??? Who is that,' and she responded saying she complimented a guy on his bike (she's into motorcycles and knows a lot about them), and he responded, saying he could give her a ride."
"She said she could tell he was being flirty but she went along with it because she liked motorcycle rides."
"According to her, he ended up dropping her off."
The OP didn't agree with his ex's choices.
"I don't know if I believe that, but either way, I find it weird to accept a ride from a random guy and put your arms around his waist and all."
"She said that she wasn't trying to hide anything and didn't do anything shady, because if she were, she wouldn't have openly posted about it."
The OP wasn't sure if he'd made the right choice.
"I still think that's a crazy thing to do while having a boyfriend, so I broke up with her, but I'm considering whether I was being unreasonable."
"Trust is the main reason for my breaking up with her. Whether fair or unfair, I don't trust her anymore because of the things she admitted to doing (going off alone with him, knowing he's into her, encouraging him to believe he has a chance with her) are actions that lead me to distrust her. That would be the case whether something more happened or not."
"She's allowed to do whatever she wants. I just think I reserve the right to feel however I want about it. My logic is just that it's disrespectful to let people flirt with you and let them think they have a chance when they shouldn't."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some considered the OP to be the AH and were glad to see the relationship end, since the OP was so insecure.
"His goals don't define her goals. If you don't trust her, for whatever reason, hers or yours, the motorcycle ride is really not the issue here. YTA." - flowergirl0110
"Who cares? She was on vacay in Italy, she's into bikes, the guy had a cool bike, and he offered her a ride. If that's all it was, what's the problem?" - Typingperson1
"I've taken plenty of girls for motorcycle rides just for fun, without other intentions. Hands around waist, always. Safety, nothing else. I never felt insecure enough to read anything more into it. YTA." - Ok_Mammoth_1867
"I knew a girl who dumped HER BF because he gave another girl a ride."
"I don't know why, and it doesn't make sense, but it seems like there's something intimate about it."
"NTA. I'm surprised so many people agree, this being Reddit and all. But there you have it." - Uhtred_McUhtredson
"I don't know, bro, if she banged him or had intentions of it, she wouldn't take a selfie or tell you. I'd give her another chance, bro. She just made a mistake, not realizing how insecure her man is…"
"I am equally insecure, no judgement, bro, just the truth." - No_Weird_4711
"I would say she got a lucky break when you broke up with her. One of my brothers lived in Italy for seven years, and when we visited, random strangers offered rides, etc. Like, hitchhiking is still pretty safe there."
"First, you do hold the motorcycle driver around the waist for safety reasons. And relatively tightly. Second, she was on holiday and having fun."
"As you chose not to believe it was innocent fun, breaking up was probably the best thing for you. Also, probably the best thing for her." - Frequent-Life-4056
But others agreed with the OP and felt that trust was an important component.
"That dude 100% took her for a ride because he wanted to f**k. Since she was aware of that and still got on, then yeah, nope, I'm out. NTA." - Silent-Scarcity1879
"NTA. I'm not okay with taking drinks from or dancing with other guys. The drink or ask to dance is them saying they want to f**k, and accepting is saying you're open to the idea."
"The same goes for your ex-girlfriend and this. Whether she was open to it or not is irrelevant, because she made it seem like she was so she could get something out of the guy. Gross." - DFWPunk
"To be fair, she told OP she could tell the guy's intentions were to get her into bed."
"Personally, if we'd been dating a while and I was serious about her, and weren't other issues, seems a good conversation about accepting things from or being alone with people who are actively trying to bang would solve this one."
"But the relationship boundary issue aside, she went off alone with a strange man in a foreign country. If my wife did that, I'd be worried that she's way too naive or lax about her own safety." - PerfectionPending
"NTA, If I posted a selfie with some random girl on my motorcycle because she wanted a ride, I would fully expect my gf to be upset and rightfully so." - 2steppin_317
"My wife can't ride anymore due to a neck injury. This is why my bike has no back seat, no back foot rests, and only about four inches of back fender. I tell my wife if anybody ever says another woman was on the back of my bike, they are either lying or she is very, very dedicated!" - BK5617
"I hate it when partners think it is a great idea to purposefully p**s off the other for some weird 'see other people still want me, so you need to appreciate me more' behavior. NTA." - Successful_B***h107
"It can be intimate. Really depends on the situation and bike. But for a lot of bikes, the pillion/passenger is literally hugging the rider's crotch to a**."
"Friend of a friend sees your bike in the parking lot after a get-together and asks for a quick ride around the block? No issues."
"Going up to a random dude, strike up a convo, he flirts with you, offers you a ride, and then you go on a ride? That's for sure not alright." - FoxyWheels
"It's intimate regardless. You're trusting another person with your life. It's more intimate than a car."
"Most people also wouldn't be happy about their partner getting a car ride from a random foreigner who wanted to f**k their partner, either, though."
"I think it has more to do with entertaining a person and using their feelings to gain something from them. It's icky." - Willing_Ear_7226
Some also pointed out that they weren't sure they'd want to date someone with such poor survival instincts anyway.
"When you are in a relationship, you need to be able to trust your partner to be around people of the opposite sex. That being said, even if her motives for going for a ride were innocent, it's terrible judgment to ride off with a stranger in a foreign country." - Chainsawest
"Wait, so, you're more upset about the flirting than her literal life being in danger by catching rides with male strangers on her own? She could have been murdered, but you only cared about how it affected you? I'm glad the trash took itself out..." - Outrageous_Wind_6680
"Forget the flirt, she's literally getting in a vehicle by herself with a male stranger. This is how traveling horror stories begin. Don't hitch rides with strangers." - Loud-Pie-8608
"NTA, she's fully willing to get herself in potentially hazardous situations. Disregard the scandalous assumption people make with how close she's getting to that guy."
"It doesn't matter if it was just the ride or not. You're perfectly justified in saying you're not accepting that behavior." - VARifleman2013
"NTA. It's crazy... She didn't go, 'Gee, I have no real knowledge of this place. I should totally have this random person who is flirting with me, drive me, lord knows where. Nothing bad has ever happened from something like that, right?'"
"She's not great at making decisions. Probably not the best person to date." - Ok-Secretary455
This breakup left the subReddit totally divided, as they couldn't agree about what the bigger issue here was: a lack of security and trust, or a lack of respect.
On the one hand, the ex-girlfriend didn't have to accept a ride from someone she wasn't dating, especially when the guy made it clear that he was interested in her. But on the other hand, she could only control what she did, not how other people felt about her, and the relationship could only have lasted if they both practiced trust and communication.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.