Traditions have been described as peer pressure from dead people, but some cultural, religious, regional, or family traditions are harmless.
There are a number of such harmless traditions from around the globe that center on the birth and milestones of a child.
A mom unaware of her husband’s traditions turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Aggravating-Mind1774 asked:
“AITA for not putting gifted gold necklace on my newborn baby for a photo?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband (24, male) and I (24, female) had a baby toward the end of last year. A couple of weeks after he was born, I brought him over to my in-laws’ house to meet my husband’s grandmother (94, female).”
“She gifted our newborn son a gold coin necklace, which is apparently a tradition that neither of us were aware of.”
“She went to put the necklace on our son, which we both asked her not to, and said we don’t think it is a good idea as he is too young to wear a necklace and we’re afraid of it getting caught in his neck folds. We took a picture of her holding him and the necklace, and one where she is laying the necklace on him.”
“Months later, my mother-in-law (MIL) calls my husband and goes off on him about how both of them are upset because we did not put the necklace on our son for the picture, and that it is disrespectful to the tradition.”
“She also shamed my husband for not being aware of the tradition, even though he’s never seen that be done before…. She also said that her grandmother is upset by the reaction and that we weren’t excited enough. We were all very excited when she gifted that and told her thank you over and over again.«
“We’re confused as to why this is coming up now, and what they want us to do to rectify the issue… After doing a google search I discovered that it is a popular tradition, so now I’m wondering if we’re the a**holes.”
The OP later added:
“I understand that a lot of people feel we were being over-cautious about putting the necklace on the baby to be a safety hazard. Totally agree, in retrospect it would have been fine. And I know that many people would say that this came off as rude.”
“However, I feel that a lot of people are missing the fact that we still took photos of her with my grandson, HOLDING the necklace and laying the necklace on him. The pictures were very special and it was a very special moment all around.”
“I’m not trying to change the minds of those who say we’re TA. But it’s starting to seem like some people aren’t even reading the post based on the way we’re being told we ‘shat all over her’ and ‘didn’t honor her’.”
“My husband holds her in very high regard and would never do anything to disrespect her or their culture—they’re Pakistani. She has not said a word to him about this being an issue.”
“His mom, who is as white as I am, has a history of starting issues with him over small things, especially ones where she is not in control.”
“I also regret ever mentioning my husband being Muslim, as it seems that nowadays it’s frowned upon to not do certain things because it is believed in your faith to not be the right thing to do. If we don’t want our son to wear gold, I don’t personally see how that is anyone’s business or harmful to him.”
“If he wants to wear gold when he gets older, then he can and that is his decision to make. We’re both very open minded about freedom of religion and don’t shame others for what they believe in.”
“My husband has faced this issue with his own family already, so we won’t be doing that to our son. If not letting our son wear gold as an infant is the most problematic thing we do, then I personally would say we’re doing a pretty good job as parents.”
“Go ahead and say I have a victim complex for saying this all you want. I just don’t agree with the response people are having to my husband’s faith and feel the need to stand up for him because I know he is a good man.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“Not putting a gifted necklace on our baby, possibly disrespecting a tradition. I feel that I may be an a**hole for possibly coming off as ungrateful. Maybe I could have just put the necklace on for a brief photo.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors were divided in their judgment, with the comment getting the most upvotes deciding there were no a**holes here (NAH), just poor communication.
“NAH – put the necklace on the baby, take a photo, take the necklace off the baby, send the photo, move on with your lives.” ~ Healthy-Floor7408
“Yes, we’ve all dressed our kids for a photo in gifted clothes we don’t like. Then send the photo and the outfit goes straight to the thrift shop.” ~ spareloo
“For real tho. I’m from New England, and I have a mom who LIVES to knit baby sweaters with matching booties. My son was born in Georgia in September during a spell of 90-degree weather.”
“I dressed him in the (adorable) little sweater and matching booties, took pictures, changed him back out of them. Baby was happy, grandma was happy, I was happy.” ~ Jbeth74
“The grandmother is 94. Like, it’s not that serious. Put it on the baby, take a picture, and take it off. This woman may not be around very long as it is.” ~ Embarrassed_Bake1073
“OP, pretty sure that your husband actually ‘owns’ a similar necklace. Surely he’s been given one by the grandmother too when he was a baby. And surely there are photos of him with the necklace.”
“And of course his own mother decided in the best of her wisdom to safeguard the necklace, in case he would lose it as a baby/ toddler, and he would be given back the necklace later when he was more responsible. Which obviously is not the time yet, since he doesn’t even remember these events from his infancy.” ~ Mannah_Mannah
“In our culture the gold/silver that was gifted usually stays with the mother until her death, upon which the respective person gets whatever jewellery/cutlery/plates that was meant for them.” ~ Top-Noise5959
Some felt that since the parents weren’t educated about the tradition and the husband has no recollection of his infancy, they were not the a**holes (NTA).
“If I were him, I’d throw a (fake) fit demanding to know where his necklace is! LOL. You are certainly NTA.”
“The only thing I can suggest is put the necklace on him briefly, take a photo, and post how thrilled you are to carry on the tradition. Or, just ignore her and move on.” ~ IHaveBoxerDogs
“You didn’t want your baby looking fresh as hell?”
“Kidding. NTA. I have a 5-month-old. One thing I have learned: my kid is MY kid.” ~ GoldenFrog14
“It’s coming up now because they’ve spent time working each other up. The same thing happened with my MIL and her sister over people wearing jeans to my wedding reception.”
“Six months after the wedding, it’s suddenly a huge issue because it’s been a constant point of conversation between them, and they finally decided that they HAD to say something.” ~ Caliopebookworm
“I’m also from a culture that gifts gold to babies, but the more important part in this story to me is that the grandmother is gifting to her GREAT-grandson. In my culture, that is a momentous occasion and is very celebrated because it’s thought to be an accomplishment to be able to live that long and see the continuation of the family line 4 generations down.”
“When my cousin’s son was born, we had a full-on party and showered my grandfather with leaves painted gold while he gifted gold to the baby, and yes, the jewelry is put on for pics. Maybe that is the reason for the hurt here.”
“Is there a similar tradition in your culture? Maybe she felt like it wasn’t made special enough, and she’s feeling upset because, well, she’s 94 years old and subject to mood swings, but also because she feels she doesn’t have much time left and wanted the gift to feel more significant.” ~ Major_Specific127
Others felt OP not considering putting the necklace on briefly just for photos made them the a**hole (YTA ).
“Soft YTA to me. I am from a culture that gifts lots of jewelry, including giving newborns gold when they’re young (one month or 100 days, depending on the family). You just briefly put it on, then take it off and say he’s too young/you’re worried he’ll get caught in it, etc… Certainly don’t just leave him to wear it all day, ’cause safety, you’re not wrong on that part for sure.”
“I’m also caught off guard at there being an issue of you guys not being excited enough, because to me tradition things like this aren’t something to be in awe of unless they went above and beyond (for example, if instead of the traditional coin they got him a bullion, being much more expensive).”
“I honestly think this wouldn’t have even come up if the photo OP wearing it and grandma getting to put it on him happened, MIL is nitpicking all the things now since grandma is unhappy.”
“I understand you guys may not have expected the tradition or gift, but as a general gift rule of thumb, just put it on briefly as a sign of respect/thank you. It doesn’t have to be long, and hey, you have some gold to sell in the future if you or babes ever needs some cash.”
“So yeah, soft YTA because briefly wearing it for a photo wouldn’t have been a big deal and grandma would have been honored properly.” ~ Electronic-Display73
The OP offered an update, of sort:
“Thank you to those who have taken the time to inform me about this tradition and how your family practices it. The only way to pass on traditions is by sharing the meaning behind them and informing the younger generations.”
“It is very important to my husband to continue the practices of his heritage, and we do everything we can to make sure we will pass them on to our son. I guess he just missed the memo on this one, and we’re going to do better in the future at asking questions.”
It sounds like they have a plan going forward to avoid such a situation from happening again.