Finding good childcare is such an issue.
Before one even gets into the price (which could make a person faint), you have to examine the sitter being chosen.
Are they sane?
Are they clean?
Maybe an FBI check.
It’s stress-inducing.
That’s why when you lose a solidly planned sitter, options may get… creative.
Case in point…
Redditor Single_Charge_4957 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for leaving my son at my boyfriend’s house for the week without his dad’s permission?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Recently, I went on a 5-day girl’s trip.”
“I contacted my son’s dad to ask him if he would have our son (7) for the week (even though he mostly has custody on weekends only).”
“I let him know it was okay if he was unable to, as my mom had already offered to watch him.”
“He said he couldn’t because of his work schedule but said he would take Friday (the 4th day of my trip) off of work and pick our son up from my mom’s Thursday night and keep him until Sunday.”
“The day before my vacation, my mom called to say that she was sick, nothing serious but probably contagious, and asked if I could make other plans for my son.”
“When she called, I was with my boyfriend, who offered to look after my son in place of my mom.”
“My boyfriend and I have a very casual relationship that is arguably closer to a friend-with-benefits situation.”
“We’ve been involved for a couple of years now but have been friends for 15+ years.”
“My son has known this man all his life, has no idea we are in any kind of relationship, and sees him as an uncle figure.”
“He has several of his own kids, including an 8-year-old son that my son is good friends with.”
“He switched around the custody so he could have his son the same week my son would be there.”
“So they kind of had a long sleepover with school in between, lol.”
“My boyfriend also has an adult daughter that lives with him that was able to help him watch the kids when he was working.”
Here’s where things got dicey.
“I decided not to tell my ex about leaving our son with him because I knew he wouldn’t like it as he has a negative history with the man I’m dating.”
“They go way back and haven’t liked each for probably a decade.”
“I didn’t want to go into the effort of finding another babysitter when a perfectly fine one had already offered.”
“I decided to ask for forgiveness rather than permission.”
“On Thursday morning, I told my ex to pick our son up from my b[oy]f[riend]’s and texted him the address.”
“He was beyond pissed and was texting and calling me for hours.”
“He tried to act like I left our son in an unsafe environment and said if I had told him my mom had canceled that he could have figured something out.”
“Even my mom is on his side and said I should have let him know beforehand and given him the ability to veto.”
“He had already said he couldn’t because of work, and I just would have had to go into finding another sitter at short notice.”
“We don’t have a custody agreement.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA, and you know it.”
“Don’t come on here thinking you can justify yourself.”
“You KNEW that your ex would be upset.”
“You KNEW that he would have an issue with this, you KNEW about these two men’s past and the tension between them, and then you decide that you should ignore all this.”
“You literally have caused yourself any problems that come from this.”
“And your excuse for all of it?”
“’I just would have had to go into finding another sitter at short notice.’”
“Boo-f**king-hoo.”
“By the way, ‘even my mom is on his side’ means that you are upset at the outcome of this because NOBODY agrees with you.” ~ EpilepticSeizures
“Personally, I don’t think he’s unsafe, and Ex needs to accept that during her time, she can have the son stay over where she chooses.”
“But texting him on Thursday makes it seem like she lied all along and is very bad communication.”
“So I still vote YTA.” ~ sparkly____sloth
“Right of refusal usually isn’t to do with babysitters.”
“When a time comes up that you won’t be with the child, you offer that time to the other parent first.”
“They then have the right to refuse – to say no, I can’t/won’t be able to have the child(ren) that day or other time period.”
“But one parent can’t just veto the other parent’s decisions unless it goes against a parenting order.”
“OP is still an AH for knowingly creating a situation where ex and their F[riends] W[ith] B[enefits] had to have contact, and for lying by omission, but absolutely did right of refusal properly.” ~ Different_Space_768
“Let’s not forget this is for a ‘5-day girl’s trip.'”
“Not a job trip or family emergency.”
“If your child care falls through, you don’t go on the trip.”
“That’s what parents do.”
“They put their kids first.”
“You just thought of yourself and the heck with everyone else. wtf, YTA.” ~ Morningstar-World
“YTA. Biological parents have the first choice unless a said parent has serious restrictions due to abuse.”
“You KNEW you were wrong because ‘you decided to ask for forgiveness vs. permission.'” ~ Flintejae
“‘Biological parents have the first choice.'”
“She did offer the son to bio dad first.”
“From there, she found alternate childcare.”
“I don’t think she should have hidden the info from bio dad, but she did give him the right of first refusal… and he refused.”
“It’s not reasonable for her to have to run every potential sitter by the bio dad unless, as you mentioned, there is abuse, which OP gives no indication of being an issue with bf.” ~ releasethe_mccracken
“I’d agree if we were talking about an evening, but FIVE DAYS??”
“That’s a whole different ballgame, and the bio dad deserves to know where and with whom his kid is spending five full days.”
“It’s not just right of first refusal. It’s about knowing where the hell your kid is.”
“If I found out I’d essentially been lied to for days and my kid was with someone I didn’t trust, I’d be livid, and justifiably so.”
“He thought everything was ok because the kid was with her mom!”
“If I were him, I’d probably be wondering if mom ever really was the plan.”
“I mean, apparently she was, but could you blame him for being skeptical?”
“And I absolutely would be working on getting a clear custody agreement in place.”
“OP done f**ked up, and I’ll be surprised if she doesn’t find herself in court soon to set up an actual custody agreement.” ~ FeuerroteZora
“There’s a difference between having someone babysit your kid for a few hours vs. four days and nights.”
“The father deserved to know where his son was and with whom during that time.”
“ETA Forgot judgment – YTA.”
“Also, I misstated the number of days – the father picked up his son on the third night, so the boy stayed with OP’s bf for 3 days and 2 nights.”
“My point is still valid, though – the father should have been informed of where his son was.” ~ Mermaidtoo
“YTA. You knew you couldn’t keep this secret – you’d have to tell your ex where to pick up his son!”
“You just set everyone up for an unnecessary conflict.”
“Especially your son, who is a child, and who was caught in the middle of this mess.”
“You need to communicate where your son is, and your ex needs to do the same if he needs to leave the son with someone.”
“How would you know how to handle an emergency if you don’t even know where the child is?”
“‘This is where our shared child is’ counts as the most basic communication between parents.” ~ Jazzlike_Humor3340
Some Redditors had a different opinion.
“I know I’m probably going against the grain, but NTA.”
“Yes, he has The right to refusal and he did refuse.”
“There were last minute issues, and another suitable person signed up.”
“Their lives no longer cross paths.”
“She doesn’t have to explain who she’s friends with.”
‘Who she has keeping her kid is also her right.”
“She doesn’t have actually to ask for permission.”
“As long as it is a suitable person, that is the only thing she has to make sure of.”
“If they were in a relationship, meaning still married, then she would have to navigate this sticky situation with them hating each other.”
“Since that’s not the case, she doesn’t have to do that.”
“I tried to think about this from my own perspective in shared custody, and while I might not have liked who he chose if he gave me the choice and I refused, then he had the right to make the choices he needed to make.”
“And I can’t be upset about that. NTA.” ~ Candid_Gap_3299
“I agree, NTA. The child was taken care of, and the child was happy.”
“First off all, the mom deserves the time off.”
“She asked the father, and the father said no. If he was able to make arrangements, he should’ve made them in the first place.”
“This was a last-minute change, and the father not liking the bf seems like a lame excuse from someone who only sees the child on weekends.” ~ bi-snowflake
OP, most of Reddit seems to have some issue with your choice here, but some do see your side of it.
Co-parenting can be very problematic.
So maybe next time, try to loop everybody in before you go so there aren’t any surprises.