Every couple is different, and how they want to live their life together is going to differ, from household to household. But being a “traditional wife” has massively surged again since 2020 when several YouTube and TikTok social media influencers glamorized being a “tradwife.”
But there’s a big difference between “wanting” to be a tradwife, and putting into practice in a functional, healthy way, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor throwra_notrad noticed that his wife became interested in social media and traditional wife trends in 2020, and he became concerned as she lost interest in her ambitions and focused instead on the trends.
When she went so far as to give him an ultimatum to either be a tradwife or get a divorce, the Original Poster (OP) tried to help her understand what she was asking for by giving her a list of demands, and it only made her more disgusted with him.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for saying if my wife wants to be a ‘tradwife,’ then she must always look her best, wait on me, and provide sex without question when asked?”
The OP was concerned as he watched his wife’s personality change.
“I’m 35 and my wife is 40. We’ve been together for 15 years. The last couple of years, she’s really fallen down the tradwife black hole on social media, and it’s driving me crazy.”
“At first, it started off with her saying she doesn’t want to work anymore, and lately, it has escalated to saying men who make their wives work are abusive.”
“We both have well-paid jobs. I’m a self-employed builder with a team and earn around £100k a year. She works in management for the NHS and earns around £50k a year. We both work (I guess I should say worked for her) really hard and have no kids and three years ago managed to pay our mortgage off and lived in a nice enough area where I would have happily stayed forever.”
“She, however, suddenly wanted a massive house that we didn’t need. I should have seen what was coming. She was looking at £700k houses, which would require a mortgage of £500k after we sold our house.”
The OP agreed to the house but wasn’t ready to agree to more.
“I gave in and we bought a house. She then wanted a new car, which again, I caved to, and she got a car that is worth more than she earns a year.”
“She then decided she didn’t want to work anymore. She said her job was crap and I said take a lower-paid one, and then that you’ll enjoy more. She said no. She just doesn’t want to work, full stop.”
“She also doesn’t want to give up anything she has. Over the past couple of years, it has been obvious she is trying to lose her job without leaving, despite me saying that I can’t afford the house and car, and holidays on my own.”
“She started bringing this trad wife crap up but said she’d want to hire a cleaner as the house is too big for her to clean alone and she prefers my cooking to hers, so I’ll still do all the cooking!”
“So I said you basically want to dress up pretty and bake the occasional cake. She stormed off and said I don’t get it.”
When she brought the subject up again, the OP was ready with expectations.
“She again brought it up yesterday, and I said fine, she can do it, but she’s got to get up before me and make sure my breakfast is ready like in the videos she watches.”
“She’s got to be dressed as a sexy version of a 50s housewife, like in the videos she watches from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them.”
“The house must be spotless at all times, like in the videos she watches. I want huge packed lunches for work like in the videos she watches. I want to come home and have beautiful pies and cakes ready for pudding like in the videos she watches.”
“I want a bath run for when I get in, and then come down to a proper meal every night, like in the videos she watches. I then want a foot rub while I eat the cakes and pies she makes like in the videos she watches.”
“I also want sex on demand, how I want it, and when I want it, like in the videos she watches.”
“She called me abusive, a user, sexist, etc., and stormed out to her equally delusional sister’s house (don’t get me started on her). I’ll be honest I’m ready for divorce if this carries on.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were left scratching their heads, questioning why she wanted to be a tradwife.
“NTA.”
“You are sensible, fiscally responsible, hard working, mindful (not rushing to make life-changing decisions like breaking up), also considerate because you tolerated this for so long, as well as funny. Trust me dude, you’re a catch.”
“You remind me of my partner. He’s similar. Got a level head on his shoulders.” – Annika_Desai
“This sounds like a mid-life crisis if I had to take a guess. She needs to see a professional quick. If she does not want to listen then take pack up your bags and go while the going is still good.” – h3llios
“Trad wife is a form of co-dependency. If that’s what you are interested in living like, you do you. But consider what the next 15 years will look like.”
“Take it from someone whose partner of 20 years is a dependent for heath reasons, it’s not the life for everyone. Look inward at your motivations and what you want from the relationship and what you are willing to give up for it.”
“NTA.” – Neekool_Boolaas
“I think I know of one of the trad wives she’s gone down the rabbit hole on, and that woman brings in a LOT of money doing sponsorships and modeling. A Lot of money. It’s not sustainable for the average couple.”
“Yeah, divorce is probably your best option, but do it while she still has a job and you don’t hate each other yet.” – Blue-Being22
“Have you put it to her like this: ‘Wife, the way things are going right now, I am thinking about getting a divorce. Would you rather contribute $50k to a $150k household or contribute $50k to a $50k household run entirely by yourself? Let me know what you decide.'”
“She may agree to a divorce thinking she will find a rich sugar daddy but those rich sugar daddies want a trophy wife, which doesn’t sound like she wants to put in the work to be a trophy wife.” – scienceisnice
Others reassured the OP that it was time to get a divorce.
“At least you don’t have kids, so divorce is easier. Probably best to do it while you’re both still earning well so there’s no question of alimony.”
“Forgot to add, obviously NTA.”
“In a traditional household, women don’t make no contribution, their contribution is through domestic labour, while men provide financial value by going out and working. Her contribution would already be far below average, given that the bulk of the traditional wife’s time is spent on children. She wants to make no contribution, and is disguising it as ‘trad wife.'” – Beth21286
“Get the divorce, mate. It’ll be cheaper and less stressful than dealing with a crazy wife every minute of the day and night. It’s not about the ’tradwife’ lifestyle, she simply doesn’t want to work.”
“She merely wants to sit on her backside, enjoy the things she has badgered you into paying for, and do nothing. There is a lot of this kind of crazy going around. It won’t get any better either.”
“What will it be next? Vacations on the French Riviera? A bigger, nicer, (more expensive) car? The list goes on and on.” – Casual-J
“Put it to her like this. She can either continue to work and pay a portion of the bills or you can divorce her and she can be responsible for all of her bills.” – GuudenU
“She’s 40 and married to a younger man that makes six figures. She has already out kicked her coverage and she is getting more expensive with age. Bail man. Imagine her with 40 more hours of free time during the week. You think she spends a lot now, it will only get worse.” – dmmegoosepics
“Tell her, ‘You want to be a “trad wife’? Then go get a ‘trad husband.’ I’m tired of your nonsense. Smarten up or you’re going to be a ‘trad divorceé.'”
“OP, stop giving her everything she wants, or the courts might award her more money, as you’ve set a precedent on her lifestyle.” – rocketmn69_
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
“I’d like to answer a few questions from my first post before an update.”
“No, my requests were not serious, and I can’t believe how many people thought they were. It was me trying to prove a point of how ridiculous she is being. Like I said in the comments, I don’t want a maid or a slave, I want a partner.”
“Before my wife got on this train she was a very ambitious, career-driven person who wanted to climb to the top. She was never really on social media until the pandemic. The tradwife thing started a couple of years ago.”
“A lot of people suggested couples counselling. I’ve asked many times and always get the same response, ‘I don’t need counseling, there’s nothing wrong with me.'”
The OP didn’t feel anymore hopeful after talking to his wife.
“On to the update. We spoke Saturday morning and I told her that I couldn’t go on like this. I said to her bluntly the tradwife thing is never happening and she either accepts it and we go to couples counselling, or we split up. I’m don’t dancing around her bulls**t.”
“She chose to split up. I asked her if she even really wanted to be a tradwife or if she was just trying to force me away, like she’s trying to force her job to sack her because she doesn’t have the balls to quit herself.”
“She said yes, she does, and there are plenty of dating sites that cater to this dynamic. I told her I’d seen them and they are more sugar daddy dynamics and without being horrible she’s too old for that.”
“This set her off. She said I was wrong and that I’m the one who can’t support my wife, so I’m the bad one in the marriage, and a real man would be able to give her the life she wants. She was shouting and screaming this at the top of her lungs.”
“It’s about the only time I’ve been glad to be in our new house, so the neighbours didn’t hear. I got a bit petty at the real man comment and said, ‘You can’t cook, you can’t clean, and you don’t have sex, what part of being a tradwife do you offer?’ I then stole a comment from my last post and said she doesn’t want to be a tradwife; she wants to be a trophy wife.”
“She just said I’m unbelievable and has gone to her sister’s again.”
“I’m going to take the next couple of weeks and start talking to a divorce lawyer to see what this entails. Then once this ball has got rolling I’m f**king off to Portugal for a couple of weeks to myself.”
The subReddit was taken aback by the OP’s wife’s fixation on this trend, especially since it seemed like a far-cry from her current life.
Clearly, the OP would be better off either being single or finding someone new, rather than being involved in this social media evolution.