Actively providing a public platform to typically oppressed voices is necessary, noble, and complex.
Recently, one youth educator decided to do their part and rise to the task. They quickly learned about the complex part of that undertaking, and told Reddit all about the ordeal.
Known as bdnxhxkdnx on the site, the educator explained it all in a post to the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit.
The title of the post laid out the key variables.
"AITA for not letting a trans woman give a motivational talk to underprivileged girls?"
First, the Original Poster (OP) began with some context.
"I currently work at an inner city school with some very underprivileged kids, mostly due to financial status (I will avoid race here)."
"We are planning a motivational event for the girls since the amount of bullying and family abuse they endure is insane and we want to show them that they can overcome it."
"I found some amazing ladies already but it wasn't enough, so I put a post on my social media asking if anyone knew some inspiring ladies that arose from bad conditions and thrived, that would be willing to talk to young girls."
One response wasn't such a no-brainer.
"One of my friends immediately commented, 'Yes of course, what day and time is the event? I'll clear my schedule.'"
"I replied, 'Sorry, we are looking for people who have the experience of being underprivileged/oppressed young women.'"
"And... all hell broke loose."
OP offered a little biographical info to explain their rationale.
"I'll call the friend (or rather acquaintance) Dana for clarity sake."
"I went to school with Dana. She is trans and came out at 25 (early thirties now). But Dana was never oppressed."
"Her parents are rich, she was an extremely popular kid, she bullied others. She had college paid fully, has a trust fund."
"When she came out she transitioned quickly and with amazing results."
"Right out of college she started working at her dad's company, she makes big money now and does fitness modelling on the side."
Then OP painted a contrasting picture.
"The kids I work with are girls raised by single moms, girls who never knew their parents, girls abused by their family members..."
"...girls who can't afford menstrual pads, girls whose entire family never even entered college campus or graduated high school."
"Dana has definitely worked hard, but simply she is rich and she never experienced what it is to grow up as an underprivileged girl."
Nevertheless, public response already took on a life of its own.
"I commented something like that (but more polite) but at this point Dana made her own post calling me a transphobe and we (school and I) are facing so much backlash we are considering cancelling the event altogether."
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked to give feedback by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
The overwhelming majority of responses sided with OP.
"Nta, as a trans person from relative privileges, I would recognise that as not the place for the economically privileged to speak." -- kindawonderingthings
"NTA Dana doesn't seem to actually know what these girls need (and I assume she doesn't really care and just wants to get some attention)." -- niida
"NTA - As a trans person that grew up poor, Dana can go suck a lemon." -- TaterThotsandRavioli
"NTA it would be great to have an amazing trans woman talk BUT coming from a low income background I wouldn't want someone that had so much handed to them talk to me about how I can succeed..."
"...that kind of scenario just builds resentment and makes things worse." -- Skreeching
Some highlighted that Dana's response only illustrated OP's point.
"NTA. Let's not even think about her gender and just focus on this."
"She was a rich, privileged bully in high school and she is a rich, privileged bully now. She has never struggled financially. She does not fit what you need." -- Silent_Tome
"NTA, and it sounds like she's absolutely using her privilege to shut you down." -- omega12345A
"NTA. And if at all possible don't cancel the event. It would be another example of privilege getting it's way over the under privileged" -- Fleegle2212
Otherwise took a more dispassionate approach to supporting OP. They simply stated the objective facts.
"NTA. No offense was given, so none should have been perceived. 'Dana grew up trans, which may be a form of underprivileged, but not the same type as your students endure."
"You're not an arsehole if she doesn't fit your brief." -- 92-LL
"NTA. You don't want just any woman, but women who have been through the specific struggles that the girls are going through."
"Dana simply doesn't fit the description, transition or not. She needs to calm down and stop playing victim." -- SimonSpooner
"NTA. This is about growing up underprivileged, which she didn't." -- SereniaKat
"NTA. You are seeking someone with specific life experiences. Your friend does not meet the criteria you have set."
"This has nothing to do with being a transphobe. Your friend is upset at being told no." -- sirharryflashman
Clearly, Redditors deemed the situation straightforward and simple.
However, as is the sad truth about an internet post like this, we'll never know what the ultimate, real-world conclusion turned out to be.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.