Divorce is hard on everyone, and that includes the children.
But when a divorce is closely followed by someone passing away, it’s hard to ignore the possible correlation.
One son on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit found himself struggling to deal with the changes in his family.
Redditor kickoutoutfuneral especially wanted nothing to do with his father.
So much so, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was taking it too far.
He asked the sub:
“AITA: My brother and me made my dad leave from my mom’s funeral?”
The OP’s parents recently went through a divorce.
“My parents haven’t been together for 10 months cause mom found out he’s been cheating on her with one of their friends for idk (I don’t know) how many years. The friend’s the one who told her, not my dad.”
“This f**ked up my mom and she wasn’t the same. He hasn’t talked to me (16[Male]) or my bro (25[male]) since he left. But we haven’t wanted to talk to him either.”
“I can’t believe he hurt her and it made me sad seeing the way it left her after. She tried to be strong for us but I was up every night listening to her crying.”
It was closely followed by a funeral.
“My mom died and last week was her funeral. It took time to organize it. My brother and my grandma were in charge and we kept it small for only a few people.”
“My dad showed up in the morning and wanted to go inside but we told him no.”
“It was only a few family allowed in and we didn’t want him there at all. She died sad and hurt because of him.”
“He tried to talk to us and said he loved her and wanted to be there for us as ’emotional support.’ I lost it on him. I told him to get tf (the f**k) out and we don’t need no support from him.”
“It was super emotional [and] I just wanted him to leave. My brother told him he’s not welcome and eventually, he left so we did the service in peace.”
The family’s view of what the sons did was mixed.
“There was some family there that wasn’t happy that we kicked him out and we’ve gotten talked to by them. They get why we’re mad but he was still her husband and someone [she] loved so it might’ve been right to let him grieve like we are too.”
“My dad’s talked to our cousins about how hurtful that was that he didn’t get to say his own goodbye and apologize for what he did. They told him to f**k off and then told us all the other stuff he’s been saying to everyone else.”
“Mostly everyone agrees we had every right [not] to want him there but others that don’t think so keep saying we were awful to not let someone grieving be a part of it.”
“So idk (I don’t know) what to think. I didn’t want him there and my brother didn’t either.”
“But were we still a**holes we didn’t let him in?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the length of his cheating history was enough of a reason to say no.
“Just want to add, he cheated on her FOR YEARS! How can you claim to love someone then do that to them?”
“I don’t want to be the grief police, but I feel like he lost the right to mourn her when he made the decision to cheat on her. Multiple times. For multiple years.” – mustyminotaur
“You don’t cheat on someone you love even a single time. For him to have done without remorse for years should tell you all you need to know about him.” – Dweave65
“NTA! Take your cousins out to dinner to thank them for having your back. The ’emotional support’ line from your father was pure guilt-trip manipulation B.S. and props for calling it out as such.”
“If your father truly wanted to be supportive, the least he could have done was not to cheat (and lie about cheating) for years.” – Anonymotron42
Others pointed out that the father could still grieve in another way.
“If nothing else, it’s not like anyone can stop him from mourning her for whatever reasons he chooses.”
“What you can stop him from doing is showing up at the funeral so that he can join in the grieving to, at best, act like nothing really happened and he’s there ‘to be a good dad’ or, at worst, blatantly vampire sympathy from other people like some people on FB do when acquaintances pass. Didn’t know them and never really cared, but, ‘This way I get to seem like a better person than I am, and ‘likes.'”
“All they did was keep him out of the funeral. He can grieve (real or faked) as much as he likes.”
“NTA.” – prometheus59650
“Not to mention if he really cares about her, he can go grieve privately at her grave after the service. He just wanted to make a show of being the grieving widower at the family funeral to save some face.” – topania
“NTA – he hasn’t spoken to you or your brother for ten months on top of what he did to your mom. He wasn’t welcome at the funeral. If he wants to say goodbye and apologize he can go to her grave and do it there alone without the family he abandoned.” – momonthecoast
Some agreed and questioned the father’s motives for attending the funeral.
“Based on him complaining to other family members, he only wanted to show up at the funeral to make himself look better” – Ysadey
“That line about emotional support for the children sounds like he also had some half-baked plan of using the funeral to get closer to his children again.”
“Granted, part of parental duties is to be there for your children, but he hadn’t talked to them for months after he left so it comes across as a bit rich.” – Aedronn
“It’s really easy to LOVE someone once they are deceased. It requires no action, no commitment, no actual work…”
“The deceased doesn’t make demands of you or your time, doesn’t hold you accountable when you’re an AH…”
“And you get to soak in all the sympathy of ‘the mother of my children who I LOVED has died… I’m so sad. Boo-hoo… Is anybody watching how sad I am?’.”
“OP and his brother did the right thing. The gall of their jerk of a male genetic donor (can’t even bring myself to call this slimeball their ‘dad’).”
“NTA” – wonderwife
“It almost seems like he just showed up for the sympathy.”
“She died and he made it about him. After disrespecting her for years he wanted to continue to do so after she died? NTA.”
“You don’t deserve to mourn for someone if you never respected them.” – Hercl0vesXena
One Redditor pointed out that the mother probably would have agreed with her sons anyway.
“NTA.”
“She wouldn’t have wanted him there, you and your brother didn’t want him there, and I assume nobody else there wanted him there. I’m not sure why anyone else’s opinion matters.” – Jeremy_Crowhurst
The subReddit was in agreement on this one. The father kind of lost the privilege of being at the funeral after what he did for as long as he did it.
If his feelings were genuine, there were other ways he could grieve and apologize, just not while the family was gathered together.