Content Warning: Infertility, Infertility Shaming, Mom-Shaming
Even in 2025, there are still people who base a lot of a woman’s worth and her identification as a “woman” on her following the “right path,” including marriage and children.
But this path is not for every woman, and it’s also not possible for those who struggle with fertility, empathized the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SoftSpacesx struggled for years with conceiving a baby and had to listen to her older sister make terrible comments to her about her worth as a woman and wife.
When she eventually became pregnant and had twins, the Original Poster (OP) was disgusted when her sister tried to reconcile to meet her children without ever offering an apology.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not reconciling with my sister after she said my husband should find a real wife and other hurtful things about my infertility?”
The OP went no contact with her sister after being insulted about her infertility.
“My older sister, Norah (42 Female), and I (34 Female) stopped talking three, almost four, years ago after she said multiple hurtful things about my infertility.”
“The finishing one was her saying my husband should find a real wife who could give him children.”
“I’d let her get away with so much because I love my family, including my three other siblings, and I didn’t want to make life more difficult for anyone else. But my husband told me I shouldn’t destroy myself so everyone else could be happy. And her comments were destroying me.”
“Examples of a handful of the things she said were that I was too old to be a first-time mom and needed to stop trying.”
“I was clearly unfit to be a mom and couldn’t see it, but my body was telling me.”
“I should just accept my life as the forever childless babysitter.”
“Nobody else in our family had trouble getting pregnant, and I was clearly the loser of the family.”
“Getting pregnant is sooo easy, and even grandmothers were getting pregnant easier than me.”
“The rest of my family was understanding when it went too far, and I couldn’t cope with her anymore. They knew my husband was extremely bothered by Norah’s comments too and he was on the verge of losing his s**t with her.”
The OP and her husband were eventually, happily, able to have two children.
“My husband and I continued trying to have children together, and last year we were successful after our ‘one last time’ IUI (Intrauterine insemination).”
“My pregnancy was very complicated. We knew early we were having twins, but my body did struggle, and I was hospitalized on and off during my pregnancy and stayed in the hospital from seven months until delivery to keep all three of us safe.”
“We now have a happy and healthy little boy and little girl.”
The OP was not pleased when Norah tried to “reconcile” after the twins were born.
“It was after the birth of my children that Norah reached out and said she wanted us to repair our relationship.”
“In her original reaching out message, she congratulated me on the birth of my daughter but not my son, and she talked about how exciting it was to have a little girl in the family. (Norah has six children, all boys. She originally wanted more than six but seems to have paused or stopped because she’s angry that she keeps having sons.)”
“At no point did she apologize for what she said or recognize my son, other than saying ‘the twins’ one time.”
“I didn’t reply but I did mention it to my husband. He read it too and he was like, ‘F**k her.'”
“Norah reached out again after two weeks with no reply, and she was like, ‘I think you might have missed the message, but…’ and she told me again she wanted to reconcile, and she guessed that now that I had what I wanted, we could work on being sisters again. Once again, she mentioned how she couldn’t wait to see my daughter, with no mention of my son.”
“I responded that I did not feel like reconciling with her, and we were better off staying no contact, and I muted her.”
“My reasons aren’t just because of what she said to me and because she didn’t apologize, but I have a son, too. I don’t want to reconcile with Norah and subject him to being left out because Norah only has boys and is obsessed with girls.”
“Both of my children deserve to be treated with the same love, respect, and excitement within our family.”
Norah attempted to involve the family in the reconciliation, with mixed results.
“Norah has complained to our other siblings about this, and my older brother and younger sister have told me I could at least try.”
“They said after three, almost four, years, it’s time to see if we can all move forward. They did admit they wanted Norah to shut up, but they say it would also be good for us all to move past this.”
“My younger brother doesn’t agree and has told me we’re doing the right thing, and he said it’s right for all the reasons I have.”
“But my other two siblings believe I could communicate and be open to seeing if Norah can acknowledge where she went wrong with everything. They said I could do that for the sake of everyone.”
“I am grateful that she didn’t lead me on with a fake apology and mention of both twins before making her obvious preference for my daughter known. It allowed me to keep her away and make sure my children never knew such obvious favoritism.”
“My brother and sister wanting me to give in for them has been disappointing. Especially when they supported me in ending contact with Norah originally. But I guess that was easier for them, and they’ve shown me that an easier life is more important than supporting me. Or even calling Norah out and pushing her to reflect on why I rejected her offer to reconcile.”
“AITAH for not trying or wanting to reconcile?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned about Norah’s motives regarding her niece.
“Congratulations on having the children. I am sure they are both enormously, equally loved.”
“Tell the other two siblings that your decision has been made about it. They can continue listening to Norah’s rants, but you don’t ever want to hear about it. If they cannot respect that and drop it, tell them that perhaps you will have to go from low contact to no contact with them, as well.”
“Like your husband says, f**k her. North would have felt vindicated if you had never had children. Now that you have… she does not even acknowledge her wrong. She wants to reconcile.”
“But actually, no, she doesn’t… She’s acting like a toddler who sees a kid with a shiny new toy that she doesn’t have. She wants access to your daughter and is trying to get you to open that door so she can walk right in and continue where she left off… this time by brainwashing your daughter and mistreating your son. Do not let that happen.”
“NTA.” – Usual-Canary-7764
“At this point, they want to use your daughter as Norah’s emotional support child. Protect both kids from your siblings.” – evilslothofdoom
“I would have gone scorched earth on her! And anyone else who would condone her antics! She’s showing you exactly who she is. Your precious family is better off without her.”
“I’d also genuinely be worried about her motives. She clearly doesn’t think OP is ready to be a mom, and is acting like she wants the girl baby. Like, she sounds like the type to try to take the girl because ‘OP doesn’t need two…'” – Melle2421
“Tell Norah that just as she thought your husband should get a ‘real wife,’ you’re only looking to have a real sister in your life, one who is kind, supportive, and doesn’t use other people’s struggles as a way to hurt them, and alas, she’s just not that person.”
“You’re also looking for a real sister for your twins, one who will treat and love them equally, and she’s making it clear that she’s incapable of that. Besides, your kids should be surrounded by people who don’t think a person’s value is determined by their gender and fertility, and so that again rules her out.”
“She hasn’t apologised, and she’s only interested so she can co-opt your daughter because she doesn’t have one of her own.”
“You’re NTA. If your brother and sister want to deal with her bulls**t, that’s on them, but you don’t have to subject yourself or your kids to it.” – Buttered_Crumpet09
“OP, I cannot fathom how cruel and cutting she was to you. It makes me so angry on your behalf.”
“Also, on top of that, her views are so regressive and filled with internalized misogyny. She’s now jealous that you have something she wanted (a daughter) and wants to make up, but what toxicity would she pass onto your little girl and son? And down the road, what if your daughter isn’t meeting her expectations of what is ‘feminine’ enough; is she going to shame her, too?”
“Tell the sibs you’ll reconcile after she goes to extensive therapy and heals herself of her toxic behavior. They want you to make up for their convenience and comfort, not because it’s for the greater good.”
“Enjoy your beautiful little family, and make some ‘Aunties and Uncles’ out of your best friends.” – RustbeltMaven
Others had comebacks ready for Norah and Norah’s supporters.
“If they keep pushing, I’d tell them, ‘I have no older sister, so there’s really nobody to reconcile with.'”
“Go scorched earth with her by making those who want to support her very aware of where you stand with her.” – LuxuryBeast
“To borrow Norah’s (awful) words, if she were fit to be a girl mom, her body would have made one. She needs to accept that she is the loser of the family, etc., and will never have access to her niece to try and viscerally be her mother. It just wasn’t meant to be!”
“And if that’s not enough, well, maybe she should get a husband who can give her the girl that she wants, since the man determines the sex. See how she, and her husband, like that.”
“This would all be very below the belt and not who I think you are, based on your post, OP, but if they try to ‘argue’ with you about cutting ties, go low.” – invisiblizm
“If you want to keep your other siblings in your life, you NEED to tell them, ‘You’re welcome to have a relationship with Norah, and you’re welcome to have a relationship with me, but you are not welcome to insist I have a relationship with Norah.'”
“‘I am done being her doormat. Even if I forgave her, which I don’t, my husband absolutely wouldn’t. He is still livid about the lines she dared to cross. If you don’t like Norah b***hing to you, then that is on YOU to tell her to knock it off. You are not a doorbell she gets to push in order to try and step back into my house.'” – Armadillo_of_doom
“Please let your siblings know to stay out of this; they weren’t the ones on the receiving end of those harsh words.”
“Your sister is an adult and should take responsibility for her actions and approach things with maturity. You’re under no obligation to reconcile unless it’s something you truly want. Don’t do it just to please others.”
“If they keep pushing you to reconcile just because it’s easier for them to not hear Norah complain about the consequences of her own actions, then you need to cut them off, too.”
“I know the idea of cutting them off is incredibly painful, and I don’t take that lightly. But you deserve people in your life who truly respect your boundaries and care about your feelings. From the way things sound, it seems like they’re more focused on their own comfort than your well-being.”
“Maybe it’s time to gently and honestly let Norah, and possibly your other siblings, know where you stand. After everything you’ve been through, you finally have joy and peace in your life. You should be soaking up every moment with your husband and beautiful twins. Don’t let anyone steal that from you.” – No-Guess4503
“That seems to be your entire family dynamic: letting bad behavior slide to keep the peace. Your sister is an abusive [c-word] who wants to use your new daughter as a dress-up doll.”
“You said that you love your family, but do they love you? Did anyone come to your aid or defense when your sister was saying these horrible things to you?”
“You haven’t really stood up for yourself or made a boundary for yourself. Your husband had to make you enforce one. Think long and hard about your familial relationships without rose-colored glasses. You may find that it’s necessary to put them all on time-out.”
“Except for your baby brother. He sounds amazing while all the others can kick rocks. It’s not just your peace you’re protecting now; it’s your sweet babies’ and husband’s, too.”
“Congratulations to you and your husband on your wonderful babies. May they know peace, and may you build a relationship with it.” – garthastro
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP had been treated throughout her infertility and motherhood journey, and it was even worse that this person was trying to come back into her life for the sole purpose of having access to her daughter.
If an apology had been issued, perhaps at least a conversation could happen, but with the way the situation had been laid out, it was clear to the subReddit that it was best for the OP to keep her distance and to enjoy her peaceful and loving life with her husband and two children.