Amicable breakups and staying friends with exes is not something everyone can do. If you can, there is sometimes a danger of slipping into old “partner” behavior rather than friend behavior.
That line can sometimes be hard to see.
A Reddit user going by “yesiamtheexgirlf” isn’t sure if she crossed it in a recent attempt to do something nice for her ex and his new partner.
What better place to turn when your nice gesture blows up than the AITA (“Am I The A**hole?”) subReddit?
“AITA for sending my ex boyfriend a present his current girlfriend couldn’t afford?”
On AITA, the original poster (OP) shares their situation. Other Redditors cast votes and share their thoughts in the comments.
Voting options are:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Now onto the details.
“I dated Paul on and off for about three years. We broke up amicably (we didn’t have enough in common, just sex and physical attraction, proximity) and still text or send photos or joke around.”
“Paul is now with Jenni, and I love them together. They have so much in common, they literally look like they should be together, etc.”
“Also, if it helps, I’m married. Happily. My husband and my ex get along and send memes to each other, etc.”
“I was taking pictures (for my job) and posting them on Instagram of some new products we had in my shop, a clothing store. He commented on a specific sweater and said he’d love a sweater like that, and asked if I could send him details.”
“It’s a low production item, so I sent him a link and told him to act fast. I guess it’s what he asked from Jenni for Christmas, and she said to me she couldn’t afford it.”
“She followed me on Instagram and struck up a conversation, and when I asked for her address and said I was sending out Christmas gifts, and she was happy to give it. The sweater was $60 down from $105, so not very much.”
“I felt bad and decided I’d use my discount on the sweater and send it to Jenni so she could give it to him. I added a note saying it was nice to meet her and also if she wanted stuff from the shop to let me know and I’d use my discount for her too.”
“Well, she blew up in a bad way. She was so upset she called me all kinds of names, suggested I wasn’t over him (again… I’m married), I’m trying to look better than her (objectively… she’s way hotter than I am, she’s a hot blonde with Serena Vanderwoodsen hair), etc. I felt awful and apologized for whatever it was I did, but she blocked me on her and his devices.”
“I was trying to do a nice thing. Did I f*ck up?”
“My husband thinks I was just trying to do something nice, but a few friends have said I crossed boundaries and tried to look like an angel.”
Redditers were all over the map with this one.
“NTA I was prepared to say you may have crossed a line but when you sent it to Jenni to gift to him then I think it was a kind gesture.”
“You weren’t looking for the praise from your ex. It sounds like Jenni is a bit insecure when it comes to you and now you know she’s not open to having a friendship with you” – TheCookie_Momster
“Jenni maybe should not have lashed out, but I don’t know if she is being irrational. This whole situation feels weird, and I keep asking myself why OP is ok creating secrets between Jenni and Paul, because that is what she is doing by saying Jenni can just give Paul the sweater and say it was from her.”
“If I were Jenni I would have so many questions.”
“Is OP inserting herself into their relationship on purpose? Does Jenni owe OP money or a favor later? Will OP throw this in her face somehow?”
“Did Paul go behind her back and ask for it? Should she pretend she bought the sweater? If so is it unfair for Paul to spend money on a gift when she spends nothing, so should she buy another gift?”
“Will OP tell? What happens if Paul finds out?”
“Jenni just met OP, but her boyfriend was ok sleeping with her even when romantic feelings otherwise were gone, like they are right now. Her boyfriend asks her for a sweater from OP. Maybe Jenni doesn’t actually want her gift to her boyfriend to be a sweater from OP- it’s not a big feeling, but it’s understandable—or she cannot afford it.”
“Maybe Jenni tells Paul that the sweater was too expensive and, hey, she did not really want to give the sweater to him anyway and they settle on a new gift. Maybe Paul even likes this gift more. It’s probably not the best, most unique sweater in the world so I doubt Jenni is super hung up about the one sweater and she has probably moved onto thinking about other gifts.”
“This is one scenario, but it seems pretty plausible to me and OP has no way of knowing what they actually wanted. OP did not need to butt in without asking. YTA even if you didn’t mean to be.” – BridalHat
“I would say that offering the discount directly to Jenni could have been the right move. Giving someone the gift to give on behalf of another without asking them is a bit… Pitying…”
“Even if OP meant it as a gift, is the gf supposed to see it that way implicitly?”
“If I was in her place, it would seem like either 1) I’m being pitied, or 2) I’m being one upped. Neither of which are appealing.”
“You can say, yes, it’s a gift. But it still doesn’t feel good because ultimately, the gift is to shore up your shortcomings.”
“And it wasn’t exactly a gift ‘You can’t afford it, so I bought it for you to give to your boyfriend!’ “
“That said, yes OP’s heart was in the right place. NAH. The situation just sucks.” – RedditDummyAccount
“Ehhh, you sound kind, and friend’s gf overreacted big time, but I’d be willing to bet that a majority of people would not want to give their SO a gift purchased for them by their SO’s ex. It would have been lovely to offer the the discount, period. NTA.” – NannyLive
“Ok but think about how Jenni feels? OP has put her in a position where she now has to outright lie to her boyfriend about the gift, or come clean and have OP be the better person, the one who COULD buy boyfriend the gift he wanted when Jenni could not.”
“Also, it puts Jenni in a weird position. Boyfriend will now wonder why Jenni gave him a gift from OP even though they’ve only conversed (from OPs post) about 1 time, and boyfriend has known OP far longer.”