Weddings are a day to celebrate love.
Not only the love of the couple committing to one another but also the love of all the people invited to celebrate their love.
As a result, weddings often become a simultaneous family reunion, where family members who might not have seen each other for months, even years, can all come together and celebrate the happy occasion.
Redditor Threadsandbobs and his husband were looking forward to celebrating the wedding of his husband’s niece.
Until that is, they were told they could only attend the wedding under certain conditions.
Conditions which the original poster (OP) and his husband were not at all willing to comply with, leading them to decide to not attend the wedding.
Wondering if he was being unfair to his husband’s niece, the OP took to the subReddit “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“WIBTA for not attending a wedding after RSVPing after being offended by requests to be separated from my husband for the duration of the event?”
The OP explained why he and his husband decided it would be better if they did not attend the upcoming wedding of their niece.
“Long story short, my husband Sean (39 M[ale]) and I (37 M) are very close to our nieces and nephews.”
“A year ago our niece Cassie (23 F[emale]) on Sean’s side got engaged while attending university across the country, we were overjoyed to learn of this and were looking forward to meeting the young man she’d met but that was going to have to wait until the wedding as myself and Sean run a business together and although we do travel quite a lot for it, Perth isn’t one of the places where we trade so we haven’t seen her in person for quite some time but have stayed in touch.”
‘About 6 months ago we received the wedding invitation and it requested RSVP asap, Cassie used to practically live with us before she moved so we’re very close and we confirmed that we were coming.”
“The accommodation was apparently going to be getting paid for by the groom’s parents and being that we’re in a pretty good position financially my husband offered to pay for our own room while we were there but they insisted on paying for the room.”
“A week ago we got a strange email from Cassie asking us if it would be okay if we stayed in separate rooms while we were staying there.”
“she did a lot of apologizing for the inconvenience and it was quite nervous in tone.’
“Sean was annoyed by the request and being that we had a lot on our plate with the business he closed the email after reading it out to me.”
“Later on that evening we got another email from Cassie asking if we’d had time to read her message just before she began calling on our home phone.”
“Sean put the call on speaker phone and Cassie explained to us that her fiancé and his parents are catholic, that they don’t recognize gay relationships or marriages and were not prepared to pay for a room to contain 2 men as they felt that that would be encouraging something that they don’t agree with.”
“Sean, was annoyed but he held his temper and told her that it was fine, we’d just pay for our own room as we’d offered to originally but Cassie insisted that we not do that, that we just stay in separate rooms to avoid any dramas for her and then she went on to tell us that we’d been seated at opposite tables for the reception and that her fiancé had requested that we not be in any photos standing together and avoid mentioning our relationship to any of his family.”
“Sean lost his temper at this point and told Cassie that we would not be attending the wedding if that was the case and hung up on her and we’ve been bombarded with messages and calls from Sean’s brothers and sisters telling us that Cassie is devastated and heartbroken and that if we were not to attend, it would ruin the event for her, that we’re being overdramatic and that it’s just a couple of days of pretending not to be in a relationship for the sake of Cassie’s future marriage and it’s starting to make me feel like we should just reconsider and go despite how insulting this whole thing feels.”
“WIBTA if we stand strong on our decision not to attend?.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP and his husband were not the a**holes for refusing to attend Cassie’s wedding if they had to sit at separate tables.
Everyone agreed that Cassie’s conditions were indeed demeaning and insulting, and if they had to hide their relationship from others, they shouldn’t have to attend the wedding.
“So, let’s be sure we have this correct.”
“You can’t stay in a room together that groom’s parents paid for because you’re gay.”
“You can’t stay in a room together that YOU pay for because you’re gay.”
“You can’t sit or eat next to each other because you’re gay.”
“You can’t even be on the same side of the banquet hall together because you’re gay.”
“You can’t be in any pictures because you’re gay.”
“You not going because of 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 means you’re causing drama?”
“Cassie is willing to cater to bigots and hurt you in the process in order to have a wedding.”
“10 homophobes, table, yada yada.”
“NTA but your niece and her groom and his family?’
“Flaming, flapping sphincters.”- KimChiDiva
“NTA.”
“Cassie needs to see the wider implication of what she’s supporting here.”
“She’s very young but still old enough to learn that by passively standing aside to her in-laws homophobia she’s actually taking a very clear side.”
“What she’s asking is appalling.”
“I give her the benefit of the doubt because she’s young but this is something she needs to stand strong on.”
“I have a very conservative (read: homophobic religious) side to my family and they wouldn’t dream of making this request.”
“They would just turn a prudish blind eye – especially to strangers close to the bride.’
“Her in-laws demands (and hers by proxy, in catering to their ‘sensitivities’) are EXTREME.”-Leland_Gaunt_
“NTA.”
“Cassie’s supporting their homophobia and bigotry.”
“You certainly don’t need to support her decision.”- GothPenguin
“YWNBTA.”
“Cassie’s request is for you to cater to her fiance’s (and family’s) homophobia instead of supporting the uncles who’ve loved and helped raise her.”
“A wedding is a celebration of love and loyalty, and if they cannot respect your marriage, they don’t deserve to have you at theirs.”- GoCryToYourMom
“NTA.”
‘I’m sure Cassie would love to pretend to barely know her husband at the next family wedding she attends.”- lifeinsatansarmpit
“Look, as a fellow queer.”
‘There’s really no difference, to me, between an openly homophobic person, and a person who accepts someone’s homophobic behavior.”
“NTA.”- Caffeinated_Spoon
“If this cousin’s marriage depends on you pretending to be what your not, the marriage is already doomed.”
“NTA.”- Intelligent-Prune-33
“If you bow down to their homophobic ways now, do you honestly think it’ll stop with the wedding?”
“What about any kids they have?”
“For sure fiancé will never want them around the gay couple as it would be a bad influence or something.”
‘It’s ridiculous that people love to still hide behind their religion to excuse their racism and bigotry.”
‘It’s just sad.”
‘Totally NTA but you need to really explain everything to your niece about how her future husband and in-laws will prevent her from having a real relationship with the gay uncles because….. Gay….”
“Not bad people at all apparently…. Just gay….”
“Wow.”
“God forbid one of their kids ends up gay.”
“The hatred being shown to you as adults will totally destroy any Child they have.”-Disabled_Army_Vet_82
“NTA.”
“What she’s asking is incredibly offensive and horrible.”
“Don’t you dare let her treat you like that.”- AdelleDeWitt
“NTA If Cassie is so devastated she can tell her homophobic in laws no.”
“Probably a good skill for hee to learn before the marriage anyway.”- Bloodrayna
“NTA!”
“It’s a big deal to miss out on a wedding with people you’re close to.”
“I’d be telling Cassie that you’ll be booking your own room to stay together and that you expect to be seated together at the reception.”
“And that this is the only compromise you’ll settle for.”
“She probably doesn’t want to have to go back to the parents and explain why you no longer need the accommodation.”
“Which is weak.”
“But alternatively, just agree and book your own accommodation anyway.”
“You can still be in family photos, just tell the bride and groom you refuse to be in photos with his parents as you find homophobic people highly offensive and not in line with your ethos.”
‘I mean, we literally had a referendum that proved to all the bigots his parents are wrong and gay marriage and partnership is strongly approved of in Australia.”
“F*ck I’m angry right now.”
“Can’t imagine how you guys feel.”- wikiwildwife
Weddings are all about bringing families together.
If Cassie’s fiancé and his family could only accept them if they pretended to be something they weren’t then their showing up to the wedding would seem to be a pointless endeavor.
Hopefully, Cassie will consider how much she would regret their absence at her wedding, and make it clear to her fiancé’s family that the love of the OP and his husband is every bit as valid as their own.