None of us are perfect, and we can all do things to grow in our beliefs and mindsets, especially when we want to learn and grow with a partner.
But sometimes less-than-compatible mindsets don’t reveal themselves until later in a relationship, as noted in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted his account, was fed up with his girlfriend’s homophobic comments about his best friend and roommate, who happened to be gay.
But when she started insinuating that his best friend wanted to make a move on him, the Original Poster (OP) decided he’d had enough of his girlfriend’s judgmental views.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my girlfriend she isn’t welcome at my house anymore unless she seriously fixes her attitude regarding my best friend?”
The OP had a happy arrangement of living with his best friend, Mark.
“I (30 Male) live with my best buddy, Mark (30 Male).”
“We decided 2 years ago that we were sick of paying high rent costs and having s**tty roommates, so we pooled our money together to put a deposit down on a house.”
“It’s a good arrangement as we both have our own separate spaces, it’s cheaper paying a mortgage, and we do everything jointly. We’ve also been best friends for 20+ years and enjoy living together.”
“It’s also important to note that I am straight and Mark is gay, but this has never bothered me and it doesn’t impact how I see him.”
The OP was unsettled when his girlfriend started making comments about his friendship.
“Mark is single after a breakup right now and I’ve been seeing Hannah (was seeing her?) for about a year.”
“I told her right from the start about my living arrangements so in case she ever came to my house, she knew Mark lived there, too.”
“It never seemed to be an issue until Mark and his boyfriend broke up and Hannah’s attitude changed.”
“She started making comments, saying she was uncomfortable with him around me and that he was ‘making eyes’ at me a lot.”
“I told her she was being ridiculous, and so did Mark, and we both laughed at the idea of being into each other. We’re complete opposites and are more like brothers, and it weirds us both out that Hannah is making comments.”
The OP tried to discuss his concerns with Hannah but to no avail.
“I have told Hannah multiple times to stop as this is Mark’s house, too, and I won’t have him feeling s**tty.”
“Hannah just keeps ramping it up, and her comments are getting worse, to the point she even said he wanted to make a move on me.”
“I finally snapped. I told her that being gay doesn’t automatically mean he wants to sleep with me, and I told her that her attitude is disgusting.”
“She said she was joking, and I said it didn’t feel like a joke.”
“I told her, ‘If you seriously can’t change your attitude and treat Mark like a person, then you’re not welcome here anymore. You’re 30, act like it. Get out.'”
The OP couldn’t help but wonder if he took it too far.
“Hannah has been calling me an AH for treating her like a child and some of her friends have messaged me saying I am being too harsh.”
“I’m asking for judgment as I may be the AH for being too firm and not trying to talk to her about why she is speaking about Mark this way instead of downright refusing to let her be near him.”
“I am not seeking relationship advice or validation on it. I am seeking judgment on refusing to let her come to my house.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that his girlfriend seriously needed to work on her views.
“The fact that OP isn’t gay means that she is just being ridiculous and it is all in her head.”
“The OP said, ‘She said she was joking.’ This is a very common defense from abusers. If she is joking then why does she keep on making all these comments and harassing OP?”
“The girlfriend needs to show much more respect to both of them.”
“Solid NTA here, man.” – NickNack878
“She’s insecure and homophobic. Even if the BFF (Best Friend Forever) was into OP, it’s up to OP to decide how to handle that. There are trust issues here that after a year of dating, shouldn’t be.” – PseudologiaFanatica
“I (a straight woman) find some of my male friends physically attractive, even though that is not the kind of relationship we have. It’s normal and it doesn’t mean anything.”
“Even if Mark does find you good-looking if his feelings for you are platonic and/or brotherly, it’s irrelevant. You can find someone physically attractive without being attracted to them sexually or romantically.”
“I mean, as a straight woman, I can honestly say that there are some women in the world who I genuinely enjoy looking at and find their physical appearance ‘attractive,’ but I have no desire to f**k any of them.”
“Also, even if I felt attracted to a friend, and they said they didn’t feel the same way, I would respect their boundaries.”
“Also this! I have been in the position of having romantic/sexual feelings toward a close friend who didn’t feel the same way. I respected his feelings about it and made the choice to continue our friendship without hoping or pushing for his feelings to change.”
“Over time, my non-platonic feelings for him waned and I started to see him more like a brother than anything else. When he started dating his now-wife, those feelings all but disappeared because I absolutely loved her and loved seeing them together. A few years later, I started dating my now-fiance.”
“This friend has been a huge part of my life for over a decade now and I can’t imagine life without him or with him in any other capacity than a friend. I’m so grateful that I learned how to respect boundaries and value different kinds of relationships for what they are before I met him, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have one of the best friends I’ve ever had.” – SauronOMordor
“I’m a gay woman, happily married. I was at a friend’s house one weekend (hockey tournament and a bunch of us were staying over). Another woman had made a turkey sandwich, and I commented that it looked great. She offered me a bite and I declined (I’m vegetarian).”
“She said, ‘So it’s like men. You can appreciate how they look, but that doesn’t mean you want any.'”
“Turkey Sandwich has now entered our lexicon, straight or gay, male or female.”
“NTA.” – notawolfdog
“I think it’s telling her friends are just telling you that you were ‘a little too harsh.’ If it really was out of the blue, they’d be tearing you a new one.”
“My guess is, her friends are a bit tired of her insecure drama nonsense.”
“NTA, and probably not the gal for you honestly.” – DilbertedOttawa
Others confirmed the girlfriend definitely was not joking but trying to cover for herself.
“Once is a joke, but to do it repeatedly, especially after being asked to stop, pushes it out of ‘it’s a joke’ territory and into gaslighting manipulation.”
“OP is definitely NTA, and I’m glad he is dropping that girl like a bad habit.” – Poverload237
“As a genuine joker in most social situations, I feel it deeply when my joke doesn’t land or it’s not the right crowd, etc., and if it doesn’t get a laugh or a positive response, I RETIRE THE JOKE. I don’t keep repeating it to the same people when it’s clearly not a bit they’re into.”
“And if it turns out to have been hurtful, I immediately apologize and think about where I took things too far and how to avoid doing that again. If I wanna be the clown I wanna make sure everyone’s enjoying it.”
“But you’re right, she wasn’t genuinely joking, she was covering her a**. Or else, she is THE densest person on the planet and should give up her comedy attempts until she can learn to read a room.” – CharlotteLucasOP
“She’s definitely homophobic. You’re NTA for making her leave. She meant everything she said about your best friend.”
“She only said it was a joke after you called her out on it. She’s not sorry and won’t ever be. I hope you break up with her. She’s toxic and you deserve better.” – WeeklyConversation8
“As a gay man, I can tell you with absolute certainty that, for 99% of my equally gay friends, they’re Ken dolls to me. I mean, I know they have d**ks because I’ve seen them in the hot tub/pool or walked in on them in a moment of embarrassing indiscretion, but yeah, no.”
“It’s not like they’re unattractive (quite the opposite!) I just… don’t see or think of them that way.”
“I’m not going to say it would be ‘weird,’ but like, my best friend and I have known each other for fifteen years. Sleeping with him, or dating him, would be weird. It’s just never been the nature of our friendship, and we’ve long joked that it’s because we’re basically sisters (because we’re pretty stereotypical, to be honest).”
“Glad you two have each other, and glad you ditched the crazy. Just imagine if your best friend was female or something. Whew.” – SandyDelights
“She’ll never treat Mark with the respect he deserves. She’ll see him at the gay guy. He won’t be the guy who makes the best guacamole, the guy with the most movie trivia knowledge, the guy who likes funny pictures of llamas, the guy with the great singing voice, or the guy who is her boyfriend’s BEST FRIEND.”
“Homophobic people like her stop seeing the person when they come out to them. They’re now just gay.”
“I know you said you weren’t looking for relationship advice, but I think you already know that the two of you hold different values and respect different things.”
“You’re only a year in and she doesn’t live with you. That taste of homophobia you just got is just the beginning of her many layers.”
“I’ve been with my guy for 9 years and we didn’t become completely aware of each other’s worst traits until we had our first child. We’re still together 4 years later with a second child, so we were compatible through the trying times.”
“Do you think that’s going to be the case with your girlfriend?” – MadamFuzzyPants
After receiving feedback, the OP shared a brief update:
“This post received a lot more attention than I thought. I have come to the conclusion Hannah and I are no more. Thank you for your comments.”
The subReddit was grateful that the OP had spoken up for his best friend and challenged his girlfriend’s limiting views about Mark and the LGBTQ+ community.
Though the relationship didn’t work out, hopefully Hannah’s friends would be able to talk to her about what had really happened in her relationship and why the OP felt the need to put his best friend above her in a situation like this.