We’ve all done things we regret.
The evil things we’ve done always seem to find their way out to the light of day.
What happens when someone feels victimized for being called out for how poorly they treat someone else?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) piercingGold when he came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
“AITA for telling my girlfriend she doesn’t deserve respect?”
OP got right to the current situation.
“My (M22) girlfriend (F21) came over to my apartment today crying about some girls at her college (her class size is extremely small so it’s a tight-knit community.)”
“My girlfriend admitted how two years ago she used to be racist and exclusionary (she didn’t say these words, but this is a description of the way she treated these girls) towards some of the Black freshmen who were trying to join her sorority.”
“She literally admitted to forcing them into dangerous hazing activities, only to refuse them admission into the sorority afterwards.”
“She told me she regretted her actions but now she’s been kicked out of her sorority since it’s become more inclusive over the past year due to diversity initiatives.”
“Now she’s been made fun of through nicknames like “Klanswoman Katie” and she told me how she hates that they have refused to afford her ‘basic respect.'”
“I was so shocked to hear about my girlfriend’s racist past actions, and I told her that she doesn’t deserve respect from the people she was racist to.”
“She started crying and called me a jack*ss for siding with them over her even though she’s my girlfriend.”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some called it as they saw it.
“NTA.”
“She doesn’t seem to show a speck of remorse for her profoundly racist behavior.”
“She’s still just focused on her own ‘victimhood.’ She deserved to be called out.”
“And she probably shouldn’t be your girlfriend anymore.” ~ schoobydoo42
“‘She’s been kicked out of her sorority since it’s become more inclusive over the past year due to diversity initiatives.'”
“It sounds like she is still very much racist in the present, not the past.”
“She tried to continue to exclude/mistreat/hurt/demean POC and only stopped when other white people called her on it.”
“Her behavior has been labeled as exactly what it was/is, and she is being treated accordingly.”
“Nowhere in this story was it mentioned that she was apologetic, tried to make genuine amends, educate herself, or try not to be racist.” ~ Electrical-Date-3951
“NTA.”
“She was a racist and is upset that people don’t respect her for being a racist.”
“She is gonna have to learn to take her lumps.”
“The fact that she thinks she deserves respect after how she acted is problematic.”
“I’m assuming she’s never even tried to apologize or make amends if she’s still being called that.” ~ Jbwest3
OP returned in the comments to share a little more.
“I asked her if she ever apologized.”
“She got angry and said that she needs ‘time and healing space’ to get into the mindset to apologize first.”
An apology would’ve been a good first step.
“She didn’t apologize to them because she’s not sorry for what she did/said. She is only sorry she got caught and is being called out.” ~ SmarmyLittlePigg
“Wait, what does she need to heal from?”
“She was racist, but she can’t apologize for being racist because she needs to heal from…treating people like sh*t?”
“That’s like…I whacked someone upside the head with a baseball bat, so I’ll need some recovery time and ‘me time’ before we can proceed with the arraignment.” ~ obtusewisdom
“Wow.”
“So she hasn’t.”
“I’m sorry, OP, and I saw above that you plan to break up with her.”
“That’s probably a good idea.”
“She probably ‘needs healing’ for getting kicked out of her sorority.”
“She was kicked out likely because of her racist actions. But she doesn’t see that as her fault but someone else’s fault.”
“If I make someone feel like crap for no real reason (like, if I call someone a cheater and they hadn’t cheated), then I would feel bad.”
“If I had said something accidentally that was racist, I would be falling all over myself to apologize.”
“If I had said or done racist things intentionally then turned over a new leaf, again, I would go far and out of my way to apologize!! Because I had deeply hurt someone!”
“Your girlfriend’s actions show self-centeredness at the least and possibly continue racism.” ~ UCgirl
“SHE needs time and healing space? SHE does?”
“It’s clear she doesn’t care about the pain she inflicted and is just sad about losing her precious sorority status.”
“What a vile, worthless excuse for a human.” ~ Lonely_Collection389
Commenters pointed out that OP’s girlfriend got the consequences she deserved.
“NTA it’s never fun when you have done to yourself what you do to someone else.” ~ Impressive_Courage61
“NTA.”
“Oh, look, there are consequences to someone’s actions?”
“I’m pretty sure she is still racist and exclusionary because a leopard doesn’t chandelier their spots that quickly.”
“Maybe you need a better girlfriend than Klanswoman Katie because she still doesn’t get it.”~ Canadian987
“Respect is earned, not given.”
“Your gf is getting treated the same way she treated other, which is so very fair and just.”
“Hopefully, she’s your ex though.”
“NTA, but you will be if you stay with a racist that can’t take what she dishes out.” ~ nousernamesleft24
Many felt that OP needed to get a better girlfriend.
“NTA, but break up with that racist a*s girl.”
“Wtf.”
“She wasn’t a damn child when she did this. She actively decided after Highschool I am going to go out of my way and harm POC females.”
“After everything that’s happened this past decade, she decided she wanted to join the cause.”
“The Nazi cause.” ~ Pshitter
“NTA.”
“Being kicked out and called nicknames is nothing compared to what she did to these poor other girls.”
“She should thank her lucky stars that no one pressed charges, honestly.”
“If she had changed, she should have, at the barest minimum, apologized to the girls.”
“Also, of course, I cannot tell you what to do, but if I were in your shoes, I would break up with her.”
“I could not look at myself in the mirror anymore; otherwise her actions go straight against all of my values.”~ Lost-Peach1534
“NTA, also dump this person. They will be a drag on you.”
“You deserve someone who doesn’t make excuses to be a really sh*tty person or feel so sorry for themselves when confronted with their own actions.”
“Your gf sucks BIG TIME.” ~ Usual-Worry8412
Some pointed out the logic.
“She was kicked out of her sorority….that means she had repeated violations of the chapter’s code of ethics.”
“There would have been a suspension period, maybe even two.”
“There were multiple meetings about her.”
“Her sisters voted to remove her. This is a BIG deal.”
“Her deep-seated pattern of abuse towards younger women is what got her removed, NOT the sorority changing ‘since becoming more inclusive over the past year due to diversity initiatives'”.
“If that is the narrative she is spinning, then she has NOT changed or evolved at all.”
“Please don’t let her convince you that this removal was a knee-jerk reaction to a letter from the school suggesting the chapter be nicer to women of color.”
“She is exactly the same as all the internet whingers carrying on about THOSE people not having a sense of humor and trying to make people think they are under attack for being white.”
“Your girlfriend is desperately showing you who she really is. Please believe her.”
“NTA.” ~ KneeDeepinDownUnder
Lastly, a word on respect.
“NTA”
“She’s not sorry she’s a racist.”
“She’s not sorry for any of the dangerous hazing she participated in.”
“She’s not sorry for any of the mental/physical/emotional abuse she helped cause. She’s sorry she got kicked out of her sorority.”
“She wants ‘basic respect’…. for what?! Being racist?”
“Well, ‘bless her heart, isn’t she precious!’ (Southern saying, meaning ‘you’re a fool’).”
“I think you’re right; she doesn’t deserve respect.”
“Respect is EARNED! She’s earned her nickname.”
“It’s time for you to find a girlfriend that you respect—she’s not it.” ~ ItCanBeEasy2405
So let’s talk about culpability.
Consequences are great, but the real issue is whether you find any problem with your own terrible behavior.
Let’s be clear here:
If you are intentionally hurting an innocent person, you are not the victim.
Ever.