in , ,

Groom At A Loss After Closeted Brother Demands He Let Him Come Out To Family At His Wedding

Photo by Kashawn Hernandez/Unsplash

Weddings are a stressful time.

And sometimes guests make it that much worse.

First it’s seating issues and plus one issues.

Then it’s stealing thunder issues.

Case in point…

Redditor wontletatwedding wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

He asked:

“AITA for telling my brother he won’t be allowed at my wedding if he keeps talking about coming out?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“It sounds harsh I (24 M[ale]) know but we just don’t want that kind of drama at our wedding.”

‘My brother (27M) told me over 3 months ago that he’s gay.”

“And he’s had a boyfriend for 2 months.”

“Which is fine, I’ve met his bf he’s nice.”

“No one in my family knows except me and my fiancée.”

“Our wedding is coming up soon in a few weeks.”

“For a while he’s been telling me he wants to come out at our wedding and introduce everyone to his boyfriend.”

Be he already knows half our relatives that are gonna be there are old and have negative thoughts about the LGBTQ.”

“My parents are more neutral they’ve never had anything good or bad to say.”

“But when it’s your own kid coming out things could go really good or really bad and we don’t want all that going down on our wedding day.”

“My brother keeps saying it’s not fair since it’s a day celebrating love he’s allowed to celebrate his too.”

“And I said uh no it’s a day celebrating our love because it’s our wedding.”

“Also I thought it was weird he kept talking about bringing his boyfriend because literally no one is getting a plus one.”

“It’s for family/friends only (anyone who got an invitation).”

“So another thing he got mad at me over.”

“I don’t see why it’s such a big deal for him to wait after the wedding or do it before if it’s so important to him.”

“I told him he could just call up everyone to have a sit down and tell them.”

“My brother keeps saying I ‘don’t get it’ and if he doesn’t have my support in him doing this then I’m TA.”

“We got into a fight.”

“Then for the past 2 weeks he’s had a new attitude about not needing my permission to tell the family something important.”

“So that’s when I told him he won’t be invited to our wedding at all if he even thinks about doing this behind our back when we said no.”

“Now he’s even more pissed.”

“He’s accusing me of not truly accepting him just because I won’t let him do this at my wedding and excluding him from it entirely just because he’s gay is cold and heartless of me.

“It became a bigger drama already and the wedding hasn’t even happened yet but I get he’s my brother.”

“I don’t know why it has to be at my wedding though.”


Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.

It’s a tricky situation.

Let’s hear some thoughts…

“NTA. ‘Big announcement’ + ‘Someone else’s special event’ = a**hole.”

“Not sure what the solution is here, it’s drama and gossip whether he attends or not probably.” ~ RB1327

“OP should offer to help facilitate the early coming out.”

“Start with immediate family, and move on to the more accepting cousins etc.”

“But make sure that the brother knows that plus ones aren’t a part of the wedding for anyone so it’s not a dig at him or his boyfriend.”

“Find a way to include them in other events beforehand.”  ~ fyrdude58

“Maybe have a family dinner or BBQ with the parents and a few other family members a few weeks before the wedding.”

“Be there to support your brother and help facilitate/mediate things should there be any drama.”

Then it’s out there, he can come to the wedding, reiterate that there are no plus ones, but you’d love to have him and his boyfriend over for dinner one night or something.”  ~ ghettoblaster78

“It’s unfair to make the wedding about him.”

“Regardless of what he’s announcing, a big announcement on her wedding day is just trying to steal the spotlight.”

“It would be one thing if everyone was getting a plus one.”

“And he wanted to bring his boyfriend but not make a big thing about it– not wanting him to do that would be forcing him into the closet.”

“Telling him he can’t enjoy a wedding the same way that everyone else can just because he’s gay.”

“But with this problem, he IS getting to enjoy the wedding like everybody else.”

“No one else is getting to announce a big promotion or a pregnancy or engagement at this wedding because it isn’t their party!”

“NTA, OP.”

“Tell your brother that if he was straight and wanted to announce a pregnancy at your wedding you wouldn’t let him do that either.”

“It’s not about the content of the message it’s that this day is NOT for him.”  ~ Ralynne

“Yes, all of this. thank you!”

“Brother’s behavior reads to me like he’s read and watched fiction of people coming out but has not read, listened to, or watched nearly enough accounts of real queer people come out.”

“And how badly it’s gone for several of us.”

“OP deserves a wedding that doesn’t have to navigate all that.”

“And OP’s brother needs to stop pushing, it’s not okay.”

“OP is well within their rights to disinvite him for refusing to be considerate to OP and OP’s fiancè before the wedding even arrives.”  ~ katsukatsuyuuri

“NTA. Your brother is an AH.”

“You don’t upstage someone on their wedding day, you don’t take the limelight.”

“It’s the same thing as proposing to someone else at a wedding, or announcing a pregnancy, it just shouldn’t be done!”

“He’s had weeks to come out and announce it, he has a few more if he likes til your wedding.”

“Or he can wait. Doesn’t have to be that specific day.”

“You are correct to stick to your guns.”

“It’s your wedding, your celebration, you’re paying for the party.”

“If he wants that big party event, let him host it and pay for it.”  ~ Sirix_8472

“This is what I was thinking as well.”

“If he wants to turn your wedding into his coming out party, then he can help pay for the event.”

“OP, at first from the title I thought maybe you might be TA, but in reading, NTA.”

“Ask him if he thinks it’d be okay for someone else to use your wedding to stand up and announce a pregnancy, announce an engagement, or to propose?”

“The wedding rule of thumb is that no other big announcements should happen UNLESS THE BRIDE AND GROOM ENTHUSIASTICALLY AGREE!”

“He asked, you said no, end of story.”

“Continue to emphasize that you will support him and be there for him when he does come out – whether that be before or after the wedding.”

“But that the actual wedding day is for you and your bride.”

“Be clear that it’s not the fact that he’s gay that will ‘taint’ the day.”

“But the potential fallout he anticipates from judgemental relatives is negativity that will detract from the enjoyment of your wedding.”

“That being said, it’s unreasonable not to expect that guests at the wedding are going to naturally share some life updates while having conversation.”

“Oh, did you hear? I have a new bf!”

“Isn’t a big deal and shouldn’t be forbidden.”

“But if it’s something guaranteed to make a big noise, which it sounds like he is planning to do and may be inevitable given the leanings of the relatives you mentioned.”

“Then it’s just common courtesy for him to hold his tongue.”

“Let the couple have their day, and choose a different day to shine his own spotlight.” ~ DueBike582

“Totally. He’s acting like this event is his.”

“Maybe now that he’s more confident, he’s thinking about his relationship in the future sense, and this wedding is like a weird trigger?”

“I don’t know, it’s all off.”

“Anybody who tries to make a wedding about them is an AH honestly.”

“It’s about the people getting married.”

“Shut up for 2 hours, eat your mediocre food, and leave like the rest of us do!”  ~ robiatortilla

“NTA. No thunder-stealing on someone else’s big day, be that proposing, announcing pregnancy or coming out.”

“It’s the rule.”  ~ Xx_lady_xX

“NTA. Forget about the gay/coming out issue.”

“Your wedding is a special day that is just for you and your fiancée.”

“It’s inappropriate for anyone else to hijack it for any other reason.”  ~ JellyDenizen

“Exactly. It’s not about the fact that he’s gay, which his brother stated must be OPs issue.”

“It’s the large announcement on someone else’s big day thats the issue.”

“It coulda been that he’s adopting a baby or something, answer would still be no.”

“OP is absolutely NTA and it isn’t fair for his brother to say OP isn’t allowing him to come out at his wedding because he’s homophobic or unaccepting.”  ~ PlanIndividual7732

Well sounds like OP has support from Reddit.

His wedding is his wedding.

Well, his and his soon to be wife.

So maybe OP and brother should scroll through this thread and chat.