Weddings are a beautiful time when families come together to celebrate inclusion, unity, and parties.
What happens, though, when the actual wedding falls short of this noble ideal?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Throwaway_husbandsoo when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
In a now-deleted post, he asked:
"AITA for wanting my brother to come to my wedding?"
OP started with good news.
"| (27M) am getting married to the love of my life, Kev (37M), in just five weeks."
"We're both very excited, but unfortunately, there's already a problem."
"You see, my younger brother Jon (24M) is married to a woman named Rose (29F), who is severely ill."
"Jon has never told us what's wrong with her, but whenever we see her, she's ghostly pale and always throwing up. It's really quite concerning."
"The problem is that our wedding is in Maine, and Jon lives in Florida."
OP then shared the problem.
"We offered to pay for his ticket to come up for the wedding, but | really don't want to invite Rose."
"| know that might sound cruel, but her illness makes me uncomfortable, and | don't want people looking or talking about her during my big day."
"When | told Jon about my decision, he got upset and said that if Rose isn't allowed to come, he won't come, either."
"My fiancé Kev thinks Jon is being selfish, and | have to admit, | agree."
"But my mom says that if Jon doesn't leave Rose, | should just drop it, saying that Jon paid over 80% of the wedding funds, while my contribution was much smaller."
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
For some, money was a factor.
"Wait, I'm sorry, your brother is paying for EIGHTY PERCENT of your wedding, and you're telling him he can't bring his wife because her illness gives you the icks?"
"YTA absolutely massively, and I hope your brother pulls his funding for you even considering this." ~ pacazpac
"If you think about it, what OP means is Jon and Rose are paying for 80% of the wedding."
"They're married. Even if they keep their income separate, that money did not go towards their household or her medical expenses." ~ zowie2003
"YTA."
"You and Kev sound like you are perfectly matched."
"Two spoiled brats."
"Your BROTHER is paying more than 80% of the cost of your wedding, and you have the gall to tell him to leave his wife at home?"
"A wife you care about so little that you have never asked about her condition, and what could be done to make her more comfortable?"
"Jon should refuse to come to your wedding, and I hope he withdraws the financing." ~ 4TheLonghaul731
"Your brother paid for 80% of the wedding, and you're only willing to invite him and not his own wife?"
"How incredibly selfish of YOU."
"Like what the actual f*ck?"
"Get your head on straight and get your head out of your @ss."
"His wife sounds chronically ill, and it makes YOU uncomfortable??"
"I bet it makes her 100% more uncomfortable than it does you."
"And quite frankly, her illness is none of your business if they don't feel comfortable sharing."
"Your only job is just to be kind to her. That's literally it."
"As someone who is actively in the LGBTQ community, I'm sure you'd like others to provide you the same respect and kindness for simply being a human being."
"You're making yourself look like a gross human for even saying any of this."
"Your brother has offered pretty much all his support for your relationship AND money, and you can't even extend the same support to him and his own wife?"
"Grow up, and gain some heart. It would serve you well." ~ Otherwise-Motor4251
Others found OP's treatment of their brother more than bad enough on its own.
"YTA for..."
"Expecting your brother to leave his sick wife"
"Not inviting said wife because HER illness makes YOU uncomfortable... and then"
"Calling your brother the selfish one when it's obvious who's really selfish here."
"(YOU, just in case you were unaware)" ~ WaywardMarauder
"I was expecting OP to say he didn't want to invite her because it could be detrimental to her health to travel such a long distance, so I was kind of floored when he said it was because her illness made him uncomfortable."
"That's quite a selfish mindset" ~ EggoStack
"At first, I was expecting the brother to have some objection to the marriage."
"Doesn't like the partner, doesn't like the age gap, doesn't approve of gay marriage, whatever."
"Then I was expecting the sick wife to be unable or unsettling to travel and the brother to be unsettling to leave his wife."
"OP would still be in the wrong for trying to force his brother to leave his wife, but at least it would be better than the actual situation." ~ CPlus902
Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people.
"YTA."
"I don't understand why people are so far up their own @ss when it comes to their wedding. It's one frickin' day that you aren't going to remember about 80% of because it's going to go by so fast."
"You are probably going to have to interact with Rose for about 30 seconds. SMH" ~ dekion101
"RIGHT, like every wedding post I see on AITA is just a lesson for me not to pull this crap at my own wedding this fall."
"Also OP, YTA for deciding your 'big day' is too important for you to have to stomach looking at your SIL—who, by the way, is your family."
"Please have more compassion for someone who, as you yourself have said, is gravely ill. I promise you it's not fun for her either." ~ foxheartedboy
People did not hold back.
"YTA on multiple fronts."
"Also, I hate bringing sexual orientation into it, but for comparison's sake, I will."
"Imagine, if you will, the roles were reversed, and your brother Jon and his wife were getting married."
"All of a sudden, they didn't want your husband to come because your being gay made his fiancé uncomfortable, and they were worried you are all people would talk about."
"(The assumption being that people at the wedding are uncomfortable with same-sex marriages)."
"How would you feel, especially after you paid 80% of the wedding?"
"Like seriously...WTF. If she's that sick, she will probably excuse herself anyway. ~ _SneakyDucky_
"I'm curious what will happen with the "love of their life" when they get older and/or sicker. Something's telling me they're not gonna be like Bill and Frank from The Last of Us". ~ coraldomino
"YTA, of course, your brother isn't going to come."
"You rudely refused to invite his wife."
"Because 'optics.' Incredibly shallow of you."
"You owe him and Rose a HUGE, GINORMOUS apology."
"And his money back. He and HIS WIFE surely spend a lot of money managing her illness."
"He in no way had to very, very, VERY unselfishly give you the money he did for YOUR wedding."
"You should have been more responsible, saved up more, and managed a wedding you could actually afford."
"I literally CANNOT believe the audacity of you and your fiance calling a man who isn't even your parent selfish because he paid 80% of YOUR wedding that he would like to attend with HIS WIFE."
"JFC."
"I don't understand how you're in Jon's life at all. Jon sounds like an absolute saint putting up with y'all. He deserves better, and I'm hoping this is the start of him realizing that." ~ RedditStaffCantCode
So let me get this straight...
"Your bro is married to a person who's sick"
"Your bro paid 80% of your wedding"
"You want your bro to come to your wedding"
"You bro's wife isn't invited because she's sick, and that makes you feel uncomfortable"
"Your bro stands up for his wife, saying he's not coming because the love of his life, his wife, can't come"
"And you (and your future husband) think the person who funded 80% of your wedding and wants to care for his sick wife - is selfish?"
"So if you think that your bro is selfish, what exactly is your definition of selfish?"
"Cause to me, it shows that he cares for you (by paying for your wedding) and cares for his wife (by choosing to stay by her side)."
"Your bro is choosing to do something "boring" instead of something 'fun,' and you're making him be the villain."
"If the roles were reversed and Kevin was in Jon's shoes. Would you think Kevin is the best husband you ever had for standing up for you, or would you think Kevin is selfish for choosing to ditch a wedding to stay beside you (who's hypothetically sick)?" ~ laz1b01
"YTA YTA YTA, and really definitely YTA."
"Your brother has a sick wife -- SHE IS MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM AND NOT YOU."
"Heaven forbid, but what if something happens to his wife at home because he's not there to take care of her because you insist he go to your wedding and leave her at home?!???"
"It's like you are asking him to divorce his wife and forget he was ever married to her."
"What is wrong with you?!??? And he paid 80% of your wedding?"
"Well, he should now actually demand that you GIVE HIM HIS MONEY BACK."
"Definitely YTA YTA YTA YTA" ~ me0ww00f
Weddings are a beautiful time when families come together to celebrate inclusion, unity, and parties.
It can be very difficult, however, to celebrate inclusion when you find yourself excluding someone so valuable as your sister-in-law.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.