Everyone’s process of grieving is different, especially when it involves a very close loved one.
For a guy who was still grieving the loss of his late fiancée, that meant keeping a few personal effects.
To most of us, keeping some photographs, jewelry, or other mementos would be reasonable enough, especially since the guy intended to spend the rest of his life with this woman.
But the guy shared his story with the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit after he discovered his new fiancée saw his keeping of anything from his past life as a threat to their relationship.
Redditor throwaway453147 wrote in, wondering if he had overreacted when his new fiancée began selling his late fiancée’s things.
The Original Poster (OP) asked the thread:
“AITA for losing it when my fiancée sold my and my late fiancée’s engagement rings?”
The OP had a long path to healing from his grief.
“I (33[Male]) lost my late fiancee to a severe infection (sepsis) in 2016. I proposed to her when she was sick and we were planning getting married 4 months after proposal, but she passed away. It was unexpected because her health was getting better.”
“After being on life support for 10 hours, she died on 3.7.16 at 1PM, and was put to rest with her funeral on Saturday.”
“This was so hard for me to deal with, and I had a hard time coping. The pain was unbearable. There was literally no place to just hide and forget about what happened.”
“It’s been 4 years, [and] I’m moving on now.”
The OP started dating another woman about three years later and has since proposed.
“My (then girlfriend) now fiancee of two months (we’ve been together for 16 months) came around and we started dating.”
“Then I decided to take a step forward and proposed to her. She moved in with me after I rented an apartment and changed my job.”
The OP was happily engaged but kept a few keepsakes from his earlier engagement.
“I kept my and my Late fiancee’s engagement rings and let her family keep most of her belongings before I moved.”
“I have the rings along with a few photos, and stuff we bought together.”
The OP’s new fiancée made some comments about letting go of the rings.
“My fiancee noticed the rings and said that I was weird for still keeping engagement rings.”
“I don’t know why she’d think that. It’s not like I wear my past engagement ring on my finger or anything, but she seemed uncomfortable that I was keeping them as mementos.”
“I [have] been struggling with money lately and she brought up selling those rings a couple of times.”
“I just told her I’d work something out since she’d get sensitive. If I told her they’re so important to me, she’d react to that.”
The OP’s fiancée unfortunately took “working something out” into her own hands.
“My and my late fiancee’s rings were missing two days ago.”
“She told me she sold them on Facebook for x amount of money and bought important stuff for the apartment to help with a thing or two.”
This resulted in a major argument.
“I lost it. I told her she had no right to take personal stuff and sell them online for her convenience and thinking she was helping.”
“She lashed out, saying that she didn’t expect me to blow up like that and tried to justify her behavior by saying that I clearly still have feelings for my Late fiancee. [She] asked why would I still keep my late fiancee’s engagement ring when I already have a fiancee.”
“I told her that she would never understand how much she hurt me and disrespected me by doing this.”
“I asked her for some space and she said she wanted to spend the night at a friend’s place til I figure out my priorities and realize I shouldn’t have yelled like that.”
Fellow Redditors replied anonymously, rating the OP’s reaction on the following scale:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were quick to suggest ending the engagement, referencing a series of red flags.
“You are NTA! Your fiancée dropped these:”
“1. She was jealous of a woman who has passed on”
“2. Went behind your back and STOLE from you”
“3. Decided to sell personal things of YOURS”
“4. As you put it, she disrespected you and your feelings”
“So she’s and a**hole and a thief” – jaygay13
“my guy… RUN.”
“don’t walk.”
“RUN.”
“she doesn’t respect you. this isn’t about your privacy, she knew about your former fiancée, she knew she died. it wasn’t a secret, she has so little regard for your feelings she took a momento you had of a dead woman.. and sold it on Facebook.”
“put it in the context of if it was cufflinks from a dead father, or jewelry from your mother.. it is just as atrocious.”
“take back the new ring call that shit off, kick her out and block her number.”
“RUN.” – rumf00rd
“And she didn’t even give him the money, even though he said he was struggling – she spent it. So many red flags:”
“1. It’s sentimental, anyone with emotional intelligence should be able to figure that out”
“2. You told her what you wanted to do and she ignored you and unilaterally made a decision behind your back”
“3. She bought things when she knew money was an issue.”
“4. She didn’t respect your stuff or you. NTA. She is the a**hole.” – Cricket627
“She was probably trying to get rid of the money as quickly as possible with the thought that he then wouldn’t be able to buy back the ring. Providing for the household financially was completely incidental to the taking of petty revenge against a woman who had the audacity to love her own fiancée.” – CodenameBasilisk
“She feels jealous because that is the type of person she is: If she wasn’t ‘first’ then everyone who came before her is competition who must be completely erased so that the only feelings you’re allowed to have are for her. If you stay with her, all your photos and other mementos will vanish too, and your late fiancee’s name will not even be allowed to be spoken.” – thelatebasselope
Others agreed and suggested using the money from her engagement ring to buy his late fiancée’s back.
“maybe if OP tells them they were stolen and he’s gonna get the police involved they will want to avoid that whole mess and give them back.” – PeteyPorkchops
“They are going to rightfully want their money back tho. I’d make sure she pays it. I just read a comment that said OP should get the engagement ring he proposed to his (hopefully soon to be ex) fiance. He should sell that ring and use the money he gets for it to put towards getting his rings back. OP if you apologize she’s going to think you are agreeing she was right to sell them.” – Mad2109
Some even suggested involving the police on the grounds of theft.
“You should call the cops. She did steal from you.” – Mareepsheep99
“To me this is a betrayal there is no coming back from. File a police report for theft and you may have a chance at getting them back.” – Nolan-358
“Tell her to get your property back or you’re going to the police. This is one big ass red flag and a big wake up call that this person isn’t who you thought they were.”
“Get your rings back and ditch her.” – PeteyPorkchops
A few, however, questioned the lack of emotional health of the relationship, which may have spurred the growth of jealousy in the first place.
“You’re NTA at all, but I noticed you say you keep a lot to yourself and never bother her with your issues. Sounds like you’re fostering an environment of insecurities by shutting her out of how you’re feeling about things. She is making guesses at what is going on with you and by the sounds of it, wildly incorrect ones.”
“She definitely should not have done what she did, but it sounds like neither of you are anywhere near ready for marriage if you aren’t openly communicating any of this stuff with each other.” – somechick_92
“Yes, above everybody (other Redditors in the sub) is sharing how hard it is to date a widow(er), but I also don’t get any sense that OP realizes that some of that insecurity is absolutely normal and to be expected and needs to be dealt with. It seems he doesn’t communicate about the topic at all and just calls her jealousy unreasonable.”
“The fiancee is definitely at fault, she never should have done what she did, but I can’t help suspecting that OP didn’t deal with the situation well either….” – msvivica
“This sounds like you’re in a one-sided relationship here. A healthy relationship involves an equal amount of emotional intimacy, support, love, and caring. ESPECIALLY if you’re about to be married.”
“It sounds more like you’re bottling everything up to keep from burdening her, and she allows it because she doesn’t want to be burdened. That’s extremely not fair to you. Especially since she wants MORE, and sells off irreplaceable sentimental relics.”
“I HIGHLY recommend walking away from this relationship. But if you can’t do that yet, and I understand, you NEED couples counseling.”
“Love is a together experience, and this does not sound like a together relationship.” – Adeisha
Though it’s fair for a new partner to wonder about their partner’s late relationship, all the curiosity and jealousy could be solved through communication.
Respect, too, is necessary, to complement one partner’s comfort and the other partner’s grieving process.
These are vital truths the OP absolutely needs to remember as he decides how to move forward.