Mixing our intimate relationships with friend relationships can be a bit messy.
Your new person is learning about your history.
And when they meet the people who know where the bodies are buried, that dynamic may not always be smooth.
Case in point…
Redditor triviafan1 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for lying to my GF about what friends I was hanging with?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So kinda a weird situation.”
“I (26 M[ale]) have an awesome girlfriend Kendall (26 F[emale]).”
“We have been together 3 years and I plan to marry her.”
“We have a great friend group that includes a lot of my high school friends and their girlfriends.”
“We typically meet up twice a week and I live for these hangouts.”
“Kendall has some social anxiety so sometimes it isn’t the easiest getting her out of her shell.”
“But for the most part she really does try and my friends love her.”
“So the whole situation revolves around my good friend Mandy (26 F).”
“Me and Mandy were friends since high school and went to the same college and became best friends.”
“She is a main character in our friend group.”
“At first Mandy and Kendall were great friends.”
“But one night Mandy joked with Kendall that they were Eskimo sisters.”
“Kendall asked what she meant.”
“The truth being that one night 5 years ago while in college.”
“Me and Mandy got drunk at a frat formal and slept together.”
“We hardly remember this.”
“And think it’s literally hilarious now.”
“We make jokes about it.”
“When Kendall found out she had a panic attack and we had to leave.”
“We talked it over and I said that I didn’t feel like it was really all that relevant.”
“We are just friends. Kendall said she was fine and that it was just shocking.”
“I reassured her that it was a drunken night 5 years ago and meant nothing.”
“Ever since it’s been a pattern.”
“We will go out with my friends. Kendall will see Mandy.”
“Panic attack ensues and we have to leave.”
“It has happened 5 or 6 times now.”
“To the point where my friends ask why we just leave randomly.”
“Kendall isn’t a jealous person at all.”
“She’s very confident in herself and never displays jealous tendencies.”
“But for some reason when she sees Mandy she breaks into a panic attack.”
“But she keeps wanting to hang with the group and prove it doesn’t bother her so she keeps wanting to hangout.”
“But when she does. Panic attack. Then we leave.”
“So I’ve gotten tired of this. I want to see my friends.”
“So we had a trivia night recently and I told Kendall that I was hanging with my work friends not my high school friend group.”
“She said she would hang at home then.”
“So me and a coworker met up with my friend group and we did a trivia night.”
“Unfortunately one of my friends put up a story of us all and Kendall saw.”
“When I got him she was furious that I excluded her from a friend group hangout.”
“I said that I felt like she was isolating me from my friends with her issues and I wanted to see them for a full night, not 30 minutes.”
“She said she can’t control her panic attacks but she is working on them and me excluding her because of them was AH move.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“Hold on I have another question.”
“Why the hell did Mandy all the sudden bring up this ‘joke’ after you’ve been with your girlfriend for 3 years.”
“And I’m assuming having these hangouts majority of that time? Suspect.” ~ Biracialasf**k
“Yeah. OP lying is obviously not cool.”
“But the bigger AH is Mandy.”
“She may not be as good of a friend as you think.”
“Likely she was pulling a bit of a power move over your G[irl]F[riend].”
“Has she apologized for this, tried to make amends?”
“Or is she just sitting back after letting that grenade off?” ~ Powersmith
“Feels like OP isn’t just lying but his demeanor regarding the whole thing is likely making it so much harder for Kendall.”
“They make jokes about it, find it all hilarious, etc.”
“Meanwhile she’s struggling because after three years she’s only just finding out and is likely running all kinds of inside jokes.”
“It’s hard between them through her head and the like.”
“Of course she’s struggling, it’s all a mockery to him.” ~ stinkykitty71
“Yeah and he just made it soooo much worse by lying to her about the hangout.”
“She now has concrete proof to feed intrusive and insecure thoughts and feelings that he will lie to her to spend time with these people… And Mandy.”
“OP, you have some groveling to do.”
“As well as some soul searching to sort out how to show some patience and empathy towards the woman you want to call your wife.”
“As well as making sure she knows she’s your priority and that you can be trusted.”
“Which will take significantly more work than being patient with her anxiety would of FYI.”
“Definitely YTA.” ~ Sounds_Gay_Im_In_93
“Yea…I have a feeling Kendall wouldn’t be so weirded out by it if OP had been up front from the beginning.”
“Not allowing this to go unknown for years of their relationship then just drop the bomb one day.”
“And If it really was just a one off, ‘hilarious’ nothing, there would be no reason for Mandy to bring it up.”
“And especially not to OP’s GF of 3 years. Wtf.”
“This friend group sounds like they’re still in high school.” ~ FlyingMacheteMonster
“When I first got with my husband in the late 90s, I told him immediately about a similar incident.”
“A few years before, I’d briefly slept with a person who was close member of our friend group.”
“That was before that friend realized he was 100% gay lol.”
“And we immediately knew that kind of relationship was NOT for us.”
“My now husband then boyfriend kind of raised an eyebrow at it.”
“But he and the friend ended up becoming good friends too.”
“It was a non issue because I was up front about it.”
“OP, YTA for lying about the hangout.”
“And for not being honest in the first place about your past with someone who is a frequent member of your friend group.”
“It sounds like your girlfriend is trying really hard to get over it.”
“But it’s a hurtful breach of trust and likely triggering her panic attacks.”
“Don’t compound it by lying and sneaking around.” ~ corinnajune
“It is so weird that Mandy would just ‘jokingly bring it up,’ if it meant nothing.”
“Why bring it up unless you are trying to stir the pot or plant seeds of doubt?”
“’Hey buddy you know your partner you love so much, well I f**ked him first!'”
“‘LOL! Isn’t that hilarious! We have both been with him sexually lmao!'”
“We also joke about how we have seen each other naked hahaha.””
“Yeah really not seeing it as ‘in the past,’ or ‘meant nothing’ at least on Mandy’s side to be honest.”
“You hid this information for 3 years and now you lied to Kendall again.”
“You aren’t really giving Kendall a good reason to trust you. YTA.” ~ stop_spam_calls
“I think this guy is playing coy.”
“I think he’s hiding much more than he’s claiming and she’s not wrong.”
“Her body is not wrong for reacting to the stressful and confusing situation she’s in.”
“This is so trash man!”
“I don’t even have the patience for this dude.”
“If she’s literally having panic attacks because of this then you either let her go because you’re not willing to help her.”
“And you’re the cause she’s having them in the first place.”
“Or you don’t have the b*lls to give up on someone because you want to keep another.”
“This is BULL!!”
“She’s trying so hard and all this dude is doing is *itching about her and justifying his lying and behaviour.”
“Nobody deserves such a half a** investment in a relationship when they’re trying their best.”
“The cherry on the top is he’s willing to lie to her to keep what he has with his so called friend.”
“YTA and the girl doesn’t deserve this. This isn’t love.”
“Nobody who loves you will put you in this position firstly.”
“And then lie to you and make you seem the crazy one for being absolutely justified and she’s not even doing this, she’s having a literal panic attack.”
“I think he needs to decide if the person he claims to live deserves this.”
“I hope he does.”
“And doesn’t do the same thing to the next person.”
“Just keep Mandy dude, date when you don’t have to lie your partner about s**t like this.” ~ Whatthef**kwegondo
Well OP it sounds like Reddit would like you to do some serious soul searching.
And maybe some growing up, high school is over.
If you love Kendall, it’s time for some hard truths.
Good luck Kendall.