Wedding planning is incredibly stressful in most situations, and it has a funny way of bringing out the worst in people.
Sometimes, under the pressure of planning for the big day, brides and grooms forget that the day is just as much about their future partner and all of their guests, as it is about themselves, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subreddit.
Redditor Solid-Importance-190 had been very confident about the choices that he and his future wife made for their upcoming wedding, which was a traditional Indian ceremony.
But when he found out that his future wife went behind his back and downgraded his wedding attire to save herself money and to have the higher-end fashion item between the two of them, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure how he felt about marrying her anymore.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to talk to my fiancée after she secretly replaced my wedding dress with a cheap copy to save her money?”
The OP shared in the wedding planning with his future wife.
“My future wife (27 Female) and I (27 Male) are getting married in Feb. In our culture, the Groom buys the bride’s wedding dress, and the bride buys the groom’s wedding dress.”
“The groom’s dress is called ‘Sherwani,’ and the bride’s one is called, ‘Lehenga.’ To keep things fair, the price range for their dress is decided in advance.”
“We’re a little sentimental about wedding clothes, decided to go on a higher end, and chose a popular wedding attire brand. We did all the shopping together, she picked this Lehenga of her choice, and I also found a marvelous piece of Sherwani.”
“My choice was a little more expensive than hers, but it was still within the price range we had set. Both of us agreed and finalized the clothes. We didn’t bring them home immediately, because they needed some customizations according to our body measurements.”
But then the OP realized that something important had been changed without his permission.
“She was supposed to pick my dress when it’s ready after a few days and send it to my home around 1 month before the wedding.”
“I had to do the same thing, too, and I did. I received my Sherwani from her two days ago. My whole family was excited, had a close look, and multiple trials, when I realized that, although it looks very similar, it’s not the dress that I picked.”
“The quality is not up to the mark, stitching and finishing are nowhere as good as the ones I had seen in the showroom.”
“There was no brand tag behind the collar, either. At first, I assumed that we got played by the seller.”
The OP soon learned the truth about his Sherwani.
“I contacted her first, told her everything, and my planning of confronting the seller.”
“But she tried to make me believe that it’s the same, that she checked it before sending it to me, etc. Basically, she got kinda restless when I was hell-bent on going to the showroom.”
“In the end, she confessed that it’s indeed not the same dress, but it’s not the seller’s mistake.”
“Basically, she picked up a cheaper copy and sent it to me, because, even though we had set same price range for our dresses, she ‘presumed’ that my dress would be less expensive than hers, as women clothes are generally heavier, fancier here, and she thought that the Sherwani I selected was good but not ‘worth’ that price.”
“I asked her (in a lightly pissed tone) why she didn’t share her views before the purchase, and she had no solid answer.”
“Just for clarity, we both earn decent wages, and the price range was mutually fixed. She frequently spends on what I feel are expensive makeup products.”
The OP called his future wife out on her decision.
“I picked up the dress and went to her home and showed her how different it is from the original.”
“Then I told her how disrespectful, heartbreaking, and trust-breaking it is to secretly change your partner’s wedding dress just to save some cash (I see no reason other than her being stingy for doing this to me).”
“I was super disappointed, left that dress at her place, and came back home.”
“We had no contact since then. I believe she’s the one very wrong here, so she should reach out to me and apologize.”
“My family was initially hurt too, but now they’ve started to say not to overreact, as it might compromise our wedding. I’m still taking my stand.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was right to be angry about her lies about money and dress.
“Lying about money is never a great start to a marriage. Nor is the fact that she seems to think she deserves nice things, but you don’t. I think you need to have a good long think about whether you can trust this person.” – notAugustbutordinary
“She didn’t just swap the dress; she adamantly lied straight to your face, OP.”
“As a woman myself, you can’t possibly tell me that she wouldn’t be p**sed, maybe even more so, if you had done the same with her dress. She did it, because she had convinced herself that the men’s dress should be worth less than hers, as if it wasn’t your day as well.” – SohCahToan
“The deception here is incredibly disturbing. She just lied out of the gate; she lied and hid something major from him. Something that would hurt him for her own gain.”
“This is not acceptable. This is more than just saving money on a dress; this is her showing you her values and how easy it is for her to deceive you.” – DogsDucks
“The issue isn’t the actual dress or cost, it’s that she deceived and manipulated you. If that is her go-to reaction for handling a simple issue, I would be highly concerned with how she will handle much more complicated marital issues.” – PurplePufferPea
“Anyone else get the feeling she doesn’t actually have the money? He said they both have decent-paying jobs buuuut.. lots of people aren’t good with money or budgeting… and don’t have the discipline to save money.”
“He’s upset because he thought she just lied about the garment. Imagine if when they marry, it’s actually a MUCH bigger lie. She’s broke. Then all his savings become her savings… and before long… he no longer has savings.”
“We’ve all heard the story before. People get married and actually find out their partner is in serious debt, and that becomes their debt. And the partner never changes their spending habits and blows through both of their money.”
“Oof. I hope it’s just the dress!!” – L17s
Others suggested the OP rethink whether it was right to move forward with this wedding.
“NTA. I think you have some hard decisions to make on whether this is someone you want to marry.” – Alternative-Ant1188
“It’s something that meant a lot in your culture, and you went together to pick out what would make each of you happy, which I love. Then she went behind your back to save a few dollars. Its something that needed to be spoken about first.”
“Is this how she is going to be during marriage? Communication is key for marriage, and you need to make sure you are still okay with her.” – Puzzleheaded-Cup-854
“To others, him staying angry might seem petty but probably only because I don’t care at all about clothes. At its core, it’s the sneaky behavior, lying, and overriding his will and decisions without so much as a heads up that’s the problem.”
“That’s who she is, and this won’t be the last time. It’s a problem that will need to be resolved and the question for OP is does he want to try to resolve it now, pre-marriage, or later, when he’s f**ked.” – Cormophyte
“We don’t know if this is a love marriage or an arranged marriage. Either way, going back on an agreed purchase of such importance isn’t a good start to any marriage.”
“It’s the broken agreement without consultation that doesn’t bode well. Is this what OP has to look forward to?? A partner that he can’t trust to carry out plans they agreed to??”
“Is this a one-time craziness associated with the wedding (weddings can make everyone crazy. The pressure is insane) ?? Or is this how the fiancée will handle things in their married life?? Asking for forgiveness, not agreement?”
“NTA for being disappointed.” – WhizzoButterBoy
“OP needs to seriously think about his relationship. This woman is selfish and entitled. I can comprehend that she believes that her money is her money, and his money is also her money. He can forget about spending anything on himself, but she will expect him to support her lifestyle, her girls’ only trips, etc.”
“Bail out, my friend.”
“And for your family who are saying that you are overreacting, they are not the ones to spend the rest of their lives with such an entitled and selfish person.” – mayhembang
“If you want to know where a person’s heart is, look at where they spend their money. She did not spend it on OP. In fact, she was deceitful. But she does spend on herself.”
“OP, you’re on a one-way street where everything goes to her. I’d rethink the wedding. This is not what love looks like. Don’t marry a deceitful person. This is only the beginning.” – Broad_Pomegranate141
No one in the comments thread faulted the OP for being disappointed in the last-minute wedding planning changes, angry that they were made without his consent, and conflicted that his future wife was the one to make them.
But most of the subReddit took their reassurances a step further and encouraged the OP to reflect back on his relationship and decide whether it was worthy of being upgraded to a marriage.
Maybe this was a one-time mistake, a selfish moment in the heat of thousands of decisions for a very important day, but maybe it was indicative of a much deeper-seated problem that the OP would be better off leaving behind than committing the rest of his life to.