Wedding planning is incredibly stressful in most situations, and it has a funny way of bringing out the worst in people.
Sometimes, under the pressure of planning for the big day, brides and grooms forget that the day is just as much about their future partner and all of their guests, as it is about themselves, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subreddit.
Redditor Solid-Importance-190 had been very confident about the choices that he and his future wife made for their upcoming wedding, which was a traditional Indian ceremony.
But when he found out that his future wife went behind his back and downgraded his wedding attire to save herself money and to have the higher-end fashion item between the two of them, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure how he felt about marrying her anymore.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to talk to my fiancée after she secretly replaced my wedding dress with a cheap copy to save her money?"
The OP shared in the wedding planning with his future wife.
"My future wife (27 Female) and I (27 Male) are getting married in Feb. In our culture, the Groom buys the bride's wedding dress, and the bride buys the groom's wedding dress."
"The groom's dress is called 'Sherwani,' and the bride's one is called, 'Lehenga.' To keep things fair, the price range for their dress is decided in advance."
"We're a little sentimental about wedding clothes, decided to go on a higher end, and chose a popular wedding attire brand. We did all the shopping together, she picked this Lehenga of her choice, and I also found a marvelous piece of Sherwani."
"My choice was a little more expensive than hers, but it was still within the price range we had set. Both of us agreed and finalized the clothes. We didn't bring them home immediately, because they needed some customizations according to our body measurements."
But then the OP realized that something important had been changed without his permission.
"She was supposed to pick my dress when it's ready after a few days and send it to my home around 1 month before the wedding."
"I had to do the same thing, too, and I did. I received my Sherwani from her two days ago. My whole family was excited, had a close look, and multiple trials, when I realized that, although it looks very similar, it's not the dress that I picked."
"The quality is not up to the mark, stitching and finishing are nowhere as good as the ones I had seen in the showroom."
"There was no brand tag behind the collar, either. At first, I assumed that we got played by the seller."
The OP soon learned the truth about his Sherwani.
"I contacted her first, told her everything, and my planning of confronting the seller."
"But she tried to make me believe that it's the same, that she checked it before sending it to me, etc. Basically, she got kinda restless when I was hell-bent on going to the showroom."
"In the end, she confessed that it's indeed not the same dress, but it's not the seller's mistake."
"Basically, she picked up a cheaper copy and sent it to me, because, even though we had set same price range for our dresses, she 'presumed' that my dress would be less expensive than hers, as women clothes are generally heavier, fancier here, and she thought that the Sherwani I selected was good but not 'worth' that price."
"I asked her (in a lightly pissed tone) why she didn't share her views before the purchase, and she had no solid answer."
"Just for clarity, we both earn decent wages, and the price range was mutually fixed. She frequently spends on what I feel are expensive makeup products."
The OP called his future wife out on her decision.
"I picked up the dress and went to her home and showed her how different it is from the original."
"Then I told her how disrespectful, heartbreaking, and trust-breaking it is to secretly change your partner's wedding dress just to save some cash (I see no reason other than her being stingy for doing this to me)."
"I was super disappointed, left that dress at her place, and came back home."
"We had no contact since then. I believe she's the one very wrong here, so she should reach out to me and apologize."
"My family was initially hurt too, but now they've started to say not to overreact, as it might compromise our wedding. I'm still taking my stand."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was right to be angry about her lies about money and dress.
"Lying about money is never a great start to a marriage. Nor is the fact that she seems to think she deserves nice things, but you don't. I think you need to have a good long think about whether you can trust this person." - notAugustbutordinary
"She didn't just swap the dress; she adamantly lied straight to your face, OP."
"As a woman myself, you can't possibly tell me that she wouldn't be p**sed, maybe even more so, if you had done the same with her dress. She did it, because she had convinced herself that the men's dress should be worth less than hers, as if it wasn't your day as well." - SohCahToan
"The deception here is incredibly disturbing. She just lied out of the gate; she lied and hid something major from him. Something that would hurt him for her own gain."
"This is not acceptable. This is more than just saving money on a dress; this is her showing you her values and how easy it is for her to deceive you." - DogsDucks
"The issue isn't the actual dress or cost, it's that she deceived and manipulated you. If that is her go-to reaction for handling a simple issue, I would be highly concerned with how she will handle much more complicated marital issues." - PurplePufferPea
"Anyone else get the feeling she doesn't actually have the money? He said they both have decent-paying jobs buuuut.. lots of people aren't good with money or budgeting… and don't have the discipline to save money."
"He's upset because he thought she just lied about the garment. Imagine if when they marry, it's actually a MUCH bigger lie. She's broke. Then all his savings become her savings... and before long... he no longer has savings."
"We've all heard the story before. People get married and actually find out their partner is in serious debt, and that becomes their debt. And the partner never changes their spending habits and blows through both of their money."
"Oof. I hope it's just the dress!!" - L17s
Others suggested the OP rethink whether it was right to move forward with this wedding.
"NTA. I think you have some hard decisions to make on whether this is someone you want to marry." - Alternative-Ant1188
"It's something that meant a lot in your culture, and you went together to pick out what would make each of you happy, which I love. Then she went behind your back to save a few dollars. Its something that needed to be spoken about first."
"Is this how she is going to be during marriage? Communication is key for marriage, and you need to make sure you are still okay with her." - Puzzleheaded-Cup-854
"To others, him staying angry might seem petty but probably only because I don't care at all about clothes. At its core, it's the sneaky behavior, lying, and overriding his will and decisions without so much as a heads up that's the problem."
"That's who she is, and this won't be the last time. It's a problem that will need to be resolved and the question for OP is does he want to try to resolve it now, pre-marriage, or later, when he's f**ked." - Cormophyte
"We don't know if this is a love marriage or an arranged marriage. Either way, going back on an agreed purchase of such importance isn't a good start to any marriage."
"It's the broken agreement without consultation that doesn't bode well. Is this what OP has to look forward to?? A partner that he can't trust to carry out plans they agreed to??"
"Is this a one-time craziness associated with the wedding (weddings can make everyone crazy. The pressure is insane) ?? Or is this how the fiancée will handle things in their married life?? Asking for forgiveness, not agreement?"
"NTA for being disappointed." - WhizzoButterBoy
"OP needs to seriously think about his relationship. This woman is selfish and entitled. I can comprehend that she believes that her money is her money, and his money is also her money. He can forget about spending anything on himself, but she will expect him to support her lifestyle, her girls' only trips, etc."
"Bail out, my friend."
"And for your family who are saying that you are overreacting, they are not the ones to spend the rest of their lives with such an entitled and selfish person." - mayhembang
"If you want to know where a person's heart is, look at where they spend their money. She did not spend it on OP. In fact, she was deceitful. But she does spend on herself."
"OP, you're on a one-way street where everything goes to her. I'd rethink the wedding. This is not what love looks like. Don't marry a deceitful person. This is only the beginning." - Broad_Pomegranate141
No one in the comments thread faulted the OP for being disappointed in the last-minute wedding planning changes, angry that they were made without his consent, and conflicted that his future wife was the one to make them.
But most of the subReddit took their reassurances a step further and encouraged the OP to reflect back on his relationship and decide whether it was worthy of being upgraded to a marriage.
Maybe this was a one-time mistake, a selfish moment in the heat of thousands of decisions for a very important day, but maybe it was indicative of a much deeper-seated problem that the OP would be better off leaving behind than committing the rest of his life to.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.