Family disputes about children can get very ugly, very fast.
These are the kind of fights that leave scars forever.
So many relationships never come back from it.
But when it comes to the wellfare and safety of children, then a fight is often necesary.
Redditor trow_away_help wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for asking my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] to leave after a comment she made about my body?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hey Reddit, this is a throwaway for obvious reasons."
"I 30 F[emale], had my second child around 2 months ago, I'll try to summarize what happened as well as I can."
"Back when the baby was born, my MIL said these exact words: 'You have pimples on your face, hun, you look too tired. When I was your age I was looking my best. But of course, after 3 hours of pushing, it hurts anyone, I think.'"
"Then when my son was around 1 month we allowed the family to come around to meet him in person for the 1st time, she asked when could she babysit, I said that we will wait some time like we did with the first child."
"No one has ever had my son (3 M[ale]) overnight yet, and only started to have him sometimes during the day when he was 2."
"When I said that, she replied, 'You should hand him over to me and go to the gym, hun, after a month you still look like a whale.'"
"After that, I told them all to leave."
"My husband did not back me up; instead, he got mad at me for 'hurting' his mom."
"After that, his parents called my husband and asked us to come over to talk about what happened."
"His siblings came over with them, and we had a super uncomfortable conversation that was basically them saying that I could not be stable if I reacted to my MIL's innocent concern in this way, and maybe they should take my 2 sons, 3 months and 1 month (at the time) with them so I can 'have a break.'"
"This situation led to a huge argument between my husband and me."
"He said I couldn’t keep his family away from our kids, that he has rights, and I couldn’t do this."
"After I refused, he packed a bag and left for his parents."
"A month passed, and he has not seen or called his children."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for keeping my kids from my MIL ?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"OP, I advise you to consult a lawyer QUICKLY."
"I don't know where you live, but you must report that your husband has left his family home."
"Be careful, they will try to make you look crazy to take your children away from you." ~ mikoline97
"The fact that your husband has not tried to see the kids in A MONTH is definitely something you need to document somehow and tell a lawyer about asap - he literally abandoned you and the babies with no word of if/when he will return!"
"That will probably be super helpful for custody, etc., as other comments say, please get a lawyer asap! ♡ ~ princ3sspassionfruit
"NTA, and get a lawyer ASAP."
"The fact that they staged an intervention and even suggested taking the kids from you is scary and WAY over the line."
"At this point, I wouldn't even trust the husband alone with the kids for fear that he'd just take them."
"He's a giant red flag."
"If my spouse heard ANYONE call me a whale, she would completely lose her sh*t on them and defend me." ~ misstiesa
"NTA. He abandoned his family because his mommy’s feelings got hurt."
"Your feelings got hurt!"
"Only an a-hole would say that to anyone, but to say it to a woman who just pushed out a watermelon and was all of 1 month postpartum is just cruel."
"THEN he invited his whole family over, and they talked about taking your children away from you."
"Now, your children’s biological father ran away a month ago, and you’re asking if you’re TA?"
"If he was so concerned about your children’s safety, why’d he leave you alone with them?"
"He’s a coward who abandoned his children, for what?"
"So his family can unapologetically harass you?"
"Fu*k that noise."
"I’m not sure where you live, so check about your legal options."
"Abandoning children isn’t going to win him any sympathy if you go to protect yourself and your children legally. NTA." ~ Potential_Shoe1068
"NTA. Are you not keeping the children from him?"
"He left?"
"Did I miss something?"
"He has not called them."
"You need a lawyer."
"She had no right to call you a whale for Pete’s sake, but that is not the point."
"He’s abandoned the family, if I understand this correctly?"
"My husband would not stand for his mother calling me a whale." ~ EzAeMy
"NTA, but your husband is."
"Change the locks on the doors and get a lawyer because I am guessing that they are planning something."
"For all you know, he could be with a lawyer, requesting custody, and you'll be unprepared."
"I know that sounds alarmist, but the fact that he left a month ago and has gone quiet makes me think the whole family is up to no good." ~ Ordinary-Audience363
"OP might have one thing in her favor."
"She needs to see a lawyer, though."
"Her husband leaving, cutting off all contact, and being gone this long while leaving her to deal with everything alone may work in her favor."
"Not sure about her income if it's a joint account with direct deposit - that's lawyer stuff too."
"But for him to walk out on his wife, who is a mother of one small child and has a newborn, because Mean Mommy told him to?"
"Could give her some leverage."
"Not my area, but his little snit might help her."
"OP, see a lawyer, seriously." ~ Dame_Niafer
"NTA. You know you have a husband problem."
"The issue is, are we going to try to make a case for your mental well-being?"
"They should have the kids???"
"Document everything, everything, everything that you haven’t heard from your husband, what his mother said, how they treat you, etc." ~ Awkward_Profile_7410
"NTA, but let's be real, the main issue here is the husband."
"If he's going to prioritize his mom's feelings over yours when she is saying absolutely horrible things about you, f**k that."
"Be an example for your kids that you won't tolerate being treated that way." ~ Stranger0nReddit
"NTA - your husband is a mama's boy, and you need a lawyer."
"You pushed out two humans, and he still can't stand up for you."
"What's there to stay for?"
"He's abandoned you and your kids."
"Let him stay gone at this point."
"Don't be a doormat." ~ Altruistic_Isopod_11
"Your husband is TA."
"Keep a journal of when things were said, and when your husband was present and stayed silent."
"You might want to think about a lawyer." ~ Normal-Wish-4984
"Absolutely NTA."
"Consider putting together a binder documenting your children's medical history and other records."
"Document the interactions with your MIL and husband around this incident and its aftermath in case your MIL and husband conspire together to make accusations against you."
"Hope for the best, that this gets sorted out, but prepare for shenanigans." ~ floopdoopsalot
"You’re better off as a single parent than with him and his (to be impolite) affair partner. NTA." ~ Budget_Meaning1410
OP came back to chat and update...
"Edit to clarify some things..."
"1- For the ones wondering, YES, this story was posted on the day that the events happened on another subreddit, the original post was taken down, if that was a secret I would NOT use the same account to post this, don’t u think?"
"2- For the ones thinking this is fake, I don’t blame you, if two years ago you told me that I would live this, I would not believe it either."
"3- Why the original mentioned legal action, and this version doesn’t? That has to do with the subreddit rules; it’s not up to me. They are strict about not mentioning legal battles (but yes, it’s happening)."
"4- Was a lawyer contacted? YES, a month ago, but like I said I don't know if I can talk about this part here, if u know somewhere I can do it, please let me know."
"5- Family arrangement: I'm French, my kids are French-American, and my husband is American-Canadian. From the moment he left home till now, I haven’t received ANYTHING from him."
"6- thank you all so much for the kind words, they mean a lot 🫶🏻✨."
The OP provided one more update.
"Update: Hey people, I don't know if anyone will read this or not, but he called me today!"
"He asked to come home to grab some stuff, his mail, and talk to me and see my kids."
"I told him that he can come around at 2 pm (it’s 11 am here right now ), collect his mail and clothes, and we can talk."
"With a friend in the house, and he asked to see the kids, to that I said, 'You didn’t care for 1 month, and now you do? Too late, your not confusing my children anymore.'"
"He protested and ended at that."
"Should I let he see them?"
"I don’t want to be honest, but at the same time, my oldest misses him, I don't know."
Reddit is with you, OP.
It sounds like everyone is also deeply concerned for your well-being.
This is a horrible situation.
Your MIL is an abusive person, and your husband has abandoned you and his children.
Solidify your legal stances immediately!
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp